Crazy worth?

If Pete would have just lived... What? Would I  have learned anything about myself ? I wouldn't know what it was like to bleed from the inside out and still remain breathing. I wouldn't have had to watch my kids suffer so much from the loss of their best friend and Daddy? I would still have him, to look into his eyes, and hear his laughter. But he didn't live. he died.
   Today feels like the kind of day where I feel like all my hard work at moving forward feels like I am standing still. Trying to constantly look at the positive can wear a person out at times. The constant motion just to keep going, to learn, to grow, to change to make it different and make a difference for that matter.. to remember who I was. to grieve the lost and try to just keep pulling, pushing, and tugging on those around me to keep moving forward. Cause there is no going back. I can't just keep re living those days in the hospital.. the days after that I only remember in fragments or from memories of what others tell me. I have to at some point just put them in a box and Label them 2009.
  Today I am angry, sad , and feelings of being worthless and not measuring up surround me. It seems that no amount of telling me that I am loved, will I hear it. cause right now I can;t feel it. I feel irrational, and lost a bit. like I just can't continue on today. I can't pick up the house, I can't keep in organized, and can't even paret, I feel angry at myself. and really that's what it boils down to. Angry at myself;  and really needing to figure out how to forgive myself. It's no ones fault, no one did anything, it's that I can't hear the love, I can't feel the love until I learn to love me.. And right now I don't see anything when I look in the mirror that is worth accepting of love... And weather its being mad at Pete, or for all the emotions and fears that I never allowed myself to feel, because there wasn't time before. I had to take care of my kids and stay pregnant. Then it was all about taking care of an infant and keep moving, and keep doing,  and learning how to do it on my own. And take care of the house and pay the bills, and worry about the money, and where it's coming from, and where its going, and, and, and. Its  not until recently that I have found love again and realizing how much I had missed it. With love comes fear, fears that are irrational or maybe only rational to someone like me who knows what its like to lose the love of your whole world.
     I loved Pete so much, I needed Pete in away that may not have been the healthiest. And I thought that he had saved me. And when he died I thought that I would NEVER have that again. I would never be safe again. I was so completely unaware of how I would live my life without him. Yet here I am two years later living my life. Being in charge of all the things that he did, along with doing the house and being a mother, a friend, a sister, a girlfriend a co worker the list goes on. Things that I never thought I could do, or would do. And while I should be so proud... it's in this moment I don't feel any of those.
  I know it is not rational. But it"s the hurt inside that take over and kills the rational side of me. It makes me stand still and feel like a concrete statue in my living room. I yell, and cry, and scream at myself on the inside. I berate myself and tell myself over and over that I am a bad parent. And the worthlessness creeps in and makes me feel like I just don't matter. Or that if Pete had  just lived... But that in itself is a whole other crisis. What if he had lived. Who know what all of the medicines and sickness would have done to him. Who is to say he would have been the same man.. and if he couldn't do the same things, that he had always loved, or if he couldn't move in the same manner he always had, would have changed him. Made him frustrated and mad to be in the position that he was in. Who is to say weather I wouldn't be grieving, but over the loss of a great man who once was and in his place was a man who looked just like Pete but acted nothing like him. The questions of if only Pete had lived... would he have really lived in the same manner? Or the question of What if he had healed completely and been the same happy go lucky man.. what then.
    I get that there is a reason.. though many say there isn't. I guess for me and my healing I have to believe that  there is a reason. If I think of the woman that I was before and the woman I am now.. it;s like night and day. I think I finally grew up. I was so scared to before...  If I could just look at how far I have come in these two years one would think I wouldn't hate myself so much. But for some reason and some issues that I don't want to talk about here...I believe that I have failed. The thing I have felt since I was a child, failure.. And I realize in this moment that is my next hurdle. Learning to forgive myself and learning to realize that I am not a failure.
   But in this moment.. I cry, for the pain I couldn't feel before, for the anger that seems to at times consume me. My "failures" to be the best mother, the best house keeper, the most organized, the best in my business, each thought crushes me and makes me feel unappreciated, and feelings of being worthless. However. I can say, that I know in the right and sane mind. I am not these things. I have to hope and know, that I strive not to be these things. That I am worthy of love, and acceptance. But it's not the acceptance from others that I need. It's the acceptance from myself. To believe in me, to love me, to trust in me. Only then can I hear, taste, feel, and breathe in the love and light that is surrounding me now, always has been and always will be. 

A cranky and Crazy heart.

I wanted so much to make this a fun day, for myself and for my kids. I think I did a pretty good job. But I had my moments of sheer frustration. For one I couldn't seem to stop chanting over and over in my head that this was the day that Pete proposed to me all those years ago.  It was like I wanted to shout to my psyche "Thanks, I got it. You can shut up now!"  So for a part of the day I had this inner battle going on. Trying to be happy and appear that today is a fun day on the outside. While on the inside the anxiety and the dumbness of it all was taking a hold of my heart. Squeezing it and making it hard to feel anything other that agony. I had to get out. So I took the boys to get their haircut.  It was the distraction I needed not only from my own head but it also stopped my from eating too many Valentine m&m's. :)  I am realizing that sugar makes my grief and my crankiness go through the roof. So often it was my "happiness" and now it's my frustration. Lovely!
  When Aryanna got home from school we ran an errand then home to make Aryanna's favorite for dinner. Since for some dumb reason her school didn't have a valentines party I thought that we should have a Valentines party at home then. So Pig's in a Blanket, Chicken nuggets, and Valentine muddy buddies (or puppy chow, which I also ate too much of  as well.) The kids had fun and I gave them their Valentines. It was as the evening was winding down that the cranky's came in and took over. So much for my hard work at trying to block them out. Thinking that the more fun I made the night, the better it would be. I mean I had been planning this for days. I was surprised at how I felt this morning. At one point I finally got my rings out of my jewelry box and put them on my finger for a few minutes. Then felt weird like I always do when I put them on, and put them back in the jewelry box next to his wedding band.
  I don't know what I thought would happen. I guess nothing. The day was hard. It had its ups and downs like any other day but this one was jaded with thoughts of what was. I remember so much of that day. Isn't it crazy? The first year he passed my friend gave me a charm bracelet. And when I opened it I kept thinking "what am I forgetting about this day?" It seriously took me like all day to remember what it was. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest. And I thought to myself and out loud "How could I forget something like that?" While it's been two years since he passed and its all I could think about today. Chalk it up to another "Crazy" moment  I guess. But if I sit and really let myself think about that Valentines day in 2002 I smile at the memory.
   I was dog sitting for a friend of mine. She had this beautiful Irish Setter. Her dogs fur and my hair we almost the same color. I brought her over to Pete's apartment. She was very well trained. I had worked at the salon all day, but I had arranged for one of those cookie baskets to be delivered to his work. I had one of the cookies say I love you Roo! So Penelope and I went over to his apartment where he decided to make homemade pizza.  Sadly the pizza didn't turn out very well but, it was OK cause we had cookies! :)  After dinner we cleaned the dishes and such and I remember looking around like "OK where is my present? I spent 80 bucks on a cookie basket you better have gotten me at least something." lol!  After the dishes were done he suggested we watch a movie. So I went to go and look at the movies. and he said I forgot something.. So silly me still wondering where my gift is I see him come out of the bedroom with a small white fuzzy teddy bear. The teddy bear was wearing a white knitted sweater with a red heart on it. He hands me the bear and gets down on one knee, I look at the bear to realize that around the bears neck on a ribbon is my ring. He says "will you marry me?" I was so surprised that I forgot to answer.  He said "Are you going to leave me down here?" And I said "OH!. Yes, Yes, I will marry you!"  I was speechless. And So surprised. Funny how I can still remember that feeling. I remember I tried to call my mom and my sister and no one answered. finally I got my middle sister on the phone and I said "Guess what?" and she said "he proposed?" I was like uhhhh yeah he did.. and I thought, hello you aren't supposed to guess if you know the answer you are supposed to let me tell you!! But it was all so exciting.
   I remember the look on his face, the excitement of finally being engaged to this man. I also remember being scared too. Cause what if I wasn't ready to get married. I remember asking him that a couple days later. I said "Would you wait for me if I am not ready to get married right away?" So scared of what he would have said "He said, I will wait for you, if you're not ready yet that's fine we can wait." That was all I needed to hear from him. cause then I was like OK lets get married! :)  Ready, set , plan. And we did. We planned an amazing wedding. And we had and incredible life together.
   So why be cranky on a day that changed my life forever? Who knows... Why not celebrated and be happy? I guess on some level it still seems so hard to believe that he's not physically in his body anymore. That everything happend the way it did and that I would only get 7 Valentines days with him. Isn't it crazy the places your mind goes.. On the flip side I am still grateful for those Valentines that I had. And even though i was angry, and cranky at times today I wouldn't change it. I am where I am supposed to be and he is where he is supposed to be for now. While one never knows what the next Valentines day will bring. I know for sure of one thing. My Roo, will always be my First Valentine.
 
      

Gone Crazy by grief..

What is it about grief that can at times make me feels so isolated? That no one could possibly begin to understand what this horrid loss is like?  Unless of course, you have had a loss. The thing is that no one is me, right? I am me, and it's my loss, and it's my experience, and it's my pain. People can sympathize with me but they still don't feel it, like I feel it! So therefore that's where the isolation comes in.
     I went to visit my Grandmother today. Since today is the 4th  Angelversary of my Grandpa's passing. I wanted to see her and spend some time with her, so she wasn't alone on this day. The kids were crazy like they usually were, when I used to go to her house to visit. But hopefully we made her day a little better.
     There is a scrapbook on her coffee table that my siblings and I made for her and my Grandpa to look through on days when he was having a "good" day. We thought that maybe she and him would enjoy looking at the silly pictures of us kids and our parents at the cabin in Minnesota. A place that they spent their summers when my dad and uncle were younger. Then later where we kids  spent ours too. It was in that scrapbook that I ran across a picture I had forgotten about. It was Pete and I and my Grandmother and Grandpa sitting at a table inside one of our favorite spots in MN. Can I tell you how strange it was to look at that picture. My Grandpa's smile jumped off the page, and how interesting it was that Pete and him were sitting across the table from each other. But It was me that thought, "here I sit with my Grandmother on her couch in 2012 and both of these strong and vibrant men are dead. Both of them! One in his mid 80's the other in his mid 30's. It's these moments that take my breath and leave me looking around going... "Wait..What?"  There we sat  two Widows on the couch. One 90 and one 33.
    On the way home from my Grandmothers I wanted to do something fun for the kids since they did a pretty good job playing so well together. Dumb me, thinking that this was a good idea. Aryanna ended up being horrible and ungrateful which made me crazy mad. I told her I wouldn't buy her a cake pop again. I used the rest of my  starbucks gift card to do something nice for A and P and it went all kinds of crazy. I know it's just a few bucks but to me it felt like more that just a few bucks. It was something that I had been saving and I used it to share it with them.  I drove home with my ear buds in my ears and the music on my ipod turned up.
    Who is to say whether I would have been so upset if I wasn't upset before hand. I just didn't realize that I was so upset, and how much that picture had shaken me. It was on the drive home that I started in on Pete in my head. Thinking things like. "Why did you leave me here to raise her by myself?" and " Why did you leave me when I was pregnant?" and " Don't you remember me sitting in the rocking chair holding our brand new baby sobbing and crying for you to come home to me?" Why did you do this?"
   I know on so many levels that he didn't choose to leave. He had to leave. It's the process. Its realizing the hell I went through and still, having these hurtful and stupid moments where I am still looking around going Why aren't' you here with me. I can't do this without you. I don't' know how to get through to Aryanna the way you did. It's the constant worry about money, the cleaning the house and picking up after the kids and fighting with them and getting Aryanna off to school and doing all of those things that other mothers do, but adding on to it a whole other level. I look around and say "What is going on here?" While I have changed so much and I am not the woman I was, and in so many ways is such a good thing. There are moments where I want the life I once had, just for a moment. And yet even though I say that  I don't want that life either. I want this one. (You know how I have so often said that I am crazy this is a fine example)   Cause this is where I am, not there.  It's the grief that makes me feel like I am all alone. I wonder does my grandmother feel like she is alone in her grief? The loss of a mate can't be compared to anything else. Does it hurt worse at 90? She had 60 or so years of marriage with my Grandpa. While I had only 6.
  I was sitting in the rocking chair in my room after I had gotten the kids in the house. The two big ones in time out and the little one on my lap. I leaned my head back and let the tears roll down my cheeks. The anger, the loss, the helpless all rising up and out of me. Did I fail him? And Why don't I miss him? Right now I am just mad at him. So many times over these two years I have heard about how strong I was and  brave I was. It was in these tears that I finally cried for the fear that I never felt. There wasn't time. All I could think at the time was of the horrid and heart breaking anxiety and of the love of my life gone. I loved him more than breath. He was my breath. How I cried for him. And how I kept going, was only God. Its the tears of all the anger towards him. I had a baby alone! I raised a baby and two toddles alone!  And I never thought of a future without Pete. I never thought of ever finding happy again. I was nothing, but an empty shell of a woman who once was. Maybe that's why I am so angry now. Why I am so angry on a regular basis. Cause I never knew it was there. and I never allowed myself to feel it. It wasn't safe, there wasn't time. I had to keep going. Get the kids up, take them to school, make lunch, make dinner, feed the baby. It was me. There wasn't another physical being in this house to give me a break the way a husband could.
   While I am still frustrated with Aryanna, and I still feel isolated in my grief. At least I know that it is only temporary.. What "Brookes Place" refers to as a "grief burst." Thats exactly what I had today. I also know that these are all part of this crazy process. It still feels stupid, and these moments pick me up and slam me into a wall backwards. I know though if I was being rational, that this is how I heal. How, with each burst I stitch another piece of my heart back together. In some ways it feels like I am pulling farther away from Pete. But its realizing that I have to in order to move forward. Not that I am pushing him out, or cutting him out of my life. Or even that I am leaving him behind. I am bringing the beauty of who he was with me. I could never leave him behind. He is a part of me, he makes up a part of who I once was. With his life, his love for me and the kids along with the man that he was, while he was here.  I can carefully stitch  all of that and my life lessons into my heart, to make up a new, whole, and loving heart.

    

A Crazy Question.

A question... I wish she didn't have to miss him so much.  Aryanna wants to sleep with her "Daddy Album" most every night since before Christmas. I would say she has been missing him more and more the closer it got to Chase Leo's birthday.  There is nothing to say. Nothing to do. And no way for me to make it better for her. other than to give her her album, pull the sheets up and kiss her goodnight.  I stood at her door tonight speechless again. With just a question in my mind... "Why does she have to miss him so much?"
   I know, what's not to miss?  The more stable I feel that we are, the more she misses him. Is that a good thing?  Does being stable remind her of our life before?  I don't know what she is thinking, I just know how I feel when I hear her say so many mornings and so many nights "I miss Daddy." Helpless.  It makes me want to shout, and yell, and stomp my feet. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why should I have to wrack my brain to find a story to share with her about her daddy? Why can't she just walk into the living room and crawl into his lap, putting her arms around his neck the way she used to? Why, Why, Why, they don't stop. How many mornings do you pull your kids from their beds to get them ready for school?  Where the conversations are usually "what do you want for breakfast?"  But, recently in this house it has been.. "I miss daddy." That look in her eyes, waiting for me to tell her something about him. I blocked so much of it out to survive, that now it seems like work to remember the things they did together. Things that I thought I could never forget. Things that I sit here wondering how did I forget?  In some ways berating myself for it. And in the same thought, saying to myself, I did what I needed to, to survive. Maybe forget is not the right word. I pushed it out, and away. So that they didn't touch me. So that I couldn't feel every moment, every memory, every thing that was before. I couldn't taste it, or allow it to make me bleed. I pushed it out and away into another box another part of who I was, or who I once was at the time.
   It's looking into Aryanna's eyes that makes me want to pull those memories out. Giving her something that she knows, how much her daddy loved her. He lived and breathed for her and her brother. I don't want her to ever doubt his love for her. And I wish to hell that I could just give him to her. The essence of who he was, and is in our lives, in our hearts.  But I can't, and I am back to being helpless all again. I want to pull those memories out but I am not sure how to get to them. I can't just download the files and let them overfill my hard drive. I have to still stand up, and continue on in this journey. The day to day life and remain stable for her and  Petey and Chase Leo. It's finding the way to lovingly let them in. Letting go of the fear of being pulled under and drowned.
    I want to hold Aryanna so close and tell her I am so, so, sorry that daddy isn't here. Sorry for the things that are crazy, and sorry for the pain that she feels. I wish so much that for every time she misses him, I could take that pain from her. That longing for him. That wanting to just breath in the scent of him. The way he held her and made her feel so safe. But, I remember that I am here. Even though he is not.  And I remember, how he loved her. And I remember, that I saw how he loved her. And I remember, that I can convey these things to her. That I can tell her how much he loved her and how much I so desperately love her. I hope with Pete's help to remember the stories that he loved, and the memories he cherished. While I know the pain and the loss won't ever go away, possibly my memories of him with her, will be enough to help her heal. 

The Crazy grumpy, cranky, and irrational.

I have been so grumpy and cranky. Honestly! The holidays are supposed to be joyful. Especially Christmas, spending time with those you love. Doing all of the fun things that go with Christmas. Making cookies, getting a tree and putting up decorations. But, for me it feels like, "Crap, Christmas is here again...well, shit!" I mean it's one thing to feel that way, however it's another to bite everyone's head off that comes into my breathing space. Even my own children. I should be making this fun for them, not making it worse. When it came time to decorate the tree I had no Christmas spirit at all! I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted someone else to just put the lights on and decorate the damn tree without me.  I didn't want to hear the kids endless chatter about where to put the ornaments, or all of the random comments and questions about special ornaments. Like "how old was I when I got this ornament, or I remember I got this when I was 3 years old." I just didn't want to participate in the whole, "I remember when" stories. I mean shouldn't I want to? And shouldn't I be happy that they can remember when they spent time with their Daddy decorating the tree? However, it was in that moment, that I just wanted no part of it. I felt bad for them, that I was such a grouch.  Yet, I could not seem to change my attitude or the thoughts that were all swirling around in my head.
  Tonight I went with a friend to Toys R Us, to go shopping for the kids. gratefully, the kids stayed at home. I was so grateful that my friend came with me to help keep me on track, and to make sure that I had an even amount of gifts for each child. So there wouldn't be arguing between siblings. However being in that store can drive a parent to drink. In fact I did come home and have a margarita! Too many toys, and too many people and too many screaming and angry children. The parents, and the kids are hot, tired, possibly hungry and everyone just wants to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.  If one is going to go into that store, one must at least be prepared with a list and at least some clue of how much one wants to spend. Forget about the idea of how much time you want to spend in there. Because it is always going to take way longer than you think it will. Luckily, I had a partner to keep me focused. Those of you who know me well, know this is a very helpful thing for me! I was fine while I was in the store, it was getting to the cash register is when I felt like I might jump off a building. I mean I had a rough estimate of how much money I was going to spend but when one hears the total, I don't think anyone, can ever be prepared enough, when shopping for three kids.
   I made it out to the car with all of my purchases, feeling like I needed to stop and ask for some oxygen on the way home. But, as my friend reminded me, it was less than last year, and It was Christmas after all. I didn't go hog wild. I got them stuff I know they will love, and things I will love watching them open. It was just the shock of it all. By the time I got home I had talked my self down enough to be calm with the kids and tell them all about my visit with Santa's elves. Or so I thought. I walked in the door and I was fine. A and P asked me about the elves and what their names were. Aryanna of course wanted to know what they were wearing and which ones were the boys and which ones were the girls. :) I gave CL a bath and started to get everyone ready for bed. That's when the irritation and grumpy came out. That obnoxious attitude, that I can't seem to stop. Almost like I was looking for a fight. I didn't get one. Instead I went outside with my friend, ranting and raving about how much money I had spent, and what it had done to my bank account. The fear that someone was going to yell at me, and how I was sure that my brother in law was going to be just irate with me in thinking I was so irresponsible. And how on top of it all I was just down right mad that I had to do it again without Pete. While feeling like a complete jackass, that I should be feeling so, grateful that I don't have to physically spend it alone again this year. That I should be so grateful, to have someone who loves me and wants to share this holiday and the ones to come with me and my kids.  My friend looked at me and said. "I am not going to give you the fight you think you deserve, I don't think you spent too much in fact I think you did pretty well in shopping for three kids."
   Even now as I sit here and type this I can't help but feel so grateful for God and the universe and Pete for bringing him into my life. Yet, why the anger? I am happy. Yet, I am not. I am still mad that he is there and I am here.  Really, that he is even there at all. That, any of this, had to happen at all. In some ways, I can finally feel like, I am getting some steady ground in my life, and then this awful crazy comes in, and it always catches me off guard. As if someone is physically pushing me down on the cold hard ground. And I never seem to brace myself for the fall. I am angry that again, I have to relive the fall. I always stand up and brush myself off. But instead of in the past, being sad and crying that I got hurt. Now it seems I am mad as hell that some idiot pushed me down. Damn him! He pushed me down again. It makes me want to fight. It makes me want to put my fist through a wall. It makes me want to scream and shout, and yell "I am going to kick your ass!"
   I can only guess this is yet another stage of grief. The Angry stage. Wonderful!! Thank you Freud. On some level I guess I haven't really been mad. I mean I have been mad at Pete. I used to put the kids in the car and then come back in the house and call him every name in the book. But it's Christmas for God's sake. And if that wasn't bad enough I realized that this year on his birthday, Which is Christmas eve, would have been his 40th birthday! Again, can I just say WTF?? His dad used to say he was the best Christmas gift ever. And he is right. He was the best Christmas gift. Another milestone. Another year. Another Christmas. Another Birthday. And the grumpy's are just wanting to rip open my chest and come jumping out of me yelling. Here I am again!! I want to throw something. I can't seem to be happy for all those lovely people and families who send me Christmas cards with pictures of their adorable family on the front. I can't take the cutesy of it all. They have what looks like the perfect family! Their husband/ daddy didn't die leaving them to pick up the pieces. Stop smiling at me. Stop looking so happy, stop rubbing it in that you have the life I used to have, stop hugging your daughter so tight, as she so lovingly looks into her daddy's eyes. She at least has a daddy to look at. My kids don't have a god damn daddy that they can physically look at!!  See what I mean? Grumpy, cranky and down right angry and not nice.
  I should  be so happy for all those lovely families that send me their families. Because I know they are just wanting me to know they are thinking of me. And that maybe by my seeing their smiley faces I will be reminded of all those people that love me, and my beautiful children. I know this. I should be so grateful, I should be so happy that I am no longer so desperately lonely, That I am no longer utterly alone all the time. I should be lucky, that I have a house and money to buy Christmas presents with, and to be surrounded by such loving friends, loved ones, and family. Yet, even though I know all of these things it doesn't stop the irrational thinking. It doesn't stop the grumpy the cranky and the bah humbug feeling just lurking below the surface. I don't wish any of my experience, my loss on anyone. I would truly hate for another family to be ripped apart by the loss of a parent, spouse, and child..
  The holiday's just bring out the crazy in all of us. The closer it gets to Christmas they crazier some people get. and in some cases, the crazier the actual crazy's get. lol  Seriously, we so often forget as families, that we are all so lucky, and so blessed. While I may be angry, I still know underneath it all, I am loved. From the crazy family Christmas cards, to the random phone calls from my mother checking on me. I am lucky that I know how to love. Love my children, love my family, love the new friends in my life. And most of all I loved Pete. And he loves me.  He taught me to love and be loved. So, while this holiday season I may be feeling a bit more crazier than usual. A bit more angry, a bit more cranky and a bit more irrational. I still know that I am lucky, that I am blessed, that I am loved, and for that I am grateful.
  

My Craziness and my own Secret Garden...

Sometimes  when I think it can't get any crazier... it does. I thought that I had made it through the big two year anniversary OK. However  the 21st was harder than I thought it would be. I guess I didn't keep myself busy enough. It seemed like the memories of that day, two years ago came in waves. I would remember something that I had forgotten. And the more I tried to think of something else happy, like say our honeymoon. The more often I found myself in his hospital room in my mind's eye. Eventually I stopped trying to change the scenario and just let the memories flow. I guess that's what they needed to do anyway. I found myself still being angry about certain parts of the day. And still remembering the last moments I had with him. Along with other crazy thoughts like "Well he would have died in two hours from now."  Morbid.. I know. Still I couldn't help but think it. I couldn't wait for that day to be over. I was so happy when bedtime rolled around. I got the kids in bed and then went straight to bed myself. Just hoping to sleep the rest of the night away. It didn't work that way. Of course! Instead CL woke up around midnight and was so restless, that I eventually put him in bed with me. Where he continued to kick me in the stomach and the head. I couldn't seem to get comfortable and when I did finally fall asleep I had nightmares. I woke up at four am hoping it was time to get up for the day. But, It wasn't. So back to sleep. More tossing and turning, more nightmares and more being kicked in the eye by my two year old. Needless to say when at last the alarm went off at 7:30am I was more than happy to get up! At last I had made it to Tuesday! It was now the 22nd and the 21st was over!
  Then Thanksgiving hit. I am very blessed it went so much better this year. The kids were not as insane. I was very happy to be with my family. And yet, it still felt like something was missing. I reminded everyone about the blood drive on Saturday in honor of Pete and hoped I would see them there. I said "Even if you can't donate just come out and say Hi!"  My in laws came into town on Friday afternoon. My mother in law had planned to help with the kids so that I could be at the blood drive. It was being held at the Fisher Y from 11-4pm on Saturday. Saturday morning rolled around and off we went to the blood drive. Had a great turn out got 23 pints of blood. could have had 33 pints but 10 people couldn't give for different reasons. Including me, I started to but the vein moved and the blood stopped flowing. But I still have the bruise to show for it. :) It was hard at first being there around all the blood and such. Again with the memories, I can remember all the blood that went into Pete, along with all the blood that came out of him as well. Which was why it was so important for me to have this blood drive in honor of him. Because while it didn't save his life it did prolong it. And for that I am forever grateful! It was nice to see all the people that came by and friends who showed their support.  After the blood drive I had a friend and her family from out of town come over for dinner. She and her husband used to live down the street from us. They would hang out with Pete and me in the driveway after the kids were in bed. Along with a good friend of Pete's and his wife and their little boy. There were 10 kids in my house along with 8 adults. It was crazy to say the least, yet fun too!
   Sunday came and my in laws had to go home. Which is always hard on all of us. It seems we just get used to having them in the house, along with the extra help, then it's time for them to go home. Aryanna doesn't like Good-byes. But she has gotten better. She at least will hug them when they leave. It wan't until Sunday after dinner did everything from the past few days hit me. I started to cry and have continued to cry today as well.  So many emotions on the surface. So many memories, and yet new beginnings. Leaving part of what feels like my "old life" and entering a new life. A part of my life I didn't know would ever exist again. The letting go, and embracing what's beautiful and right in front of me. Trying to hold onto a bit of the past and bring it with me too.  I know Pete will always be with me in spirit, and in my heart. He is not physically present. Which makes me feel in some ways like I am leaving him behind. But am I really? I am not forgetting him, I am moving forward, right? I don't think moving on is the right word. Pete is a part of who I am, so no matter how far ahead I move he will be with me in some way. Not only do I have three children who look like him, I was forever changed by him being in my life. He laid the foundation for what was to come. Yet why in so many moments in these past few days and weeks do I feel that I am saying good bye again?
    I feel like I am finally starting to see and feel the warmth of light, love and laughter. Like from the musical "The Secret Garden" When Mary finally finds the door to the secret garden, and we see her open the door and there is this beautiful brilliant light shining from the other side. And she says "I've found it, I found the door to the garden!" That's me. I feel as if I am finding a new door to my very own garden. I still have everything from before I found the door, but now I am stepping into that brilliant light. Feeling new breath in my lungs. Yet with new breath also comes new fear. And new fear sometimes causes moments of hesitations. And those hesitations could leave me standing at the door, just peeking in through the keyhole. I don't want to just peek in through the keyhole. I want to fling that door wide open and take Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo galloping through it, with joy and laughter.  Still I do find myself in some ways holding onto the key to that door. Putting the key into the lock and slowly and carefully turning it. hearing the click as the door unlocks. With my hand on the door,I glance over my shoulder and back to the door, slowly turning the doorknob but fear keeps me from just opening it.
    Why does fear do that? This is what I have lived for.  To find this key, to find this door. We, the kids and I have suffered, and cried, and at times been shattered into fragments of who we once were as a family. Now here we are. Gaining strength, finding our joy, and bringing laughter back into our way of everyday living. But its' me that fears and questions "am I leaving him behind?" I know with everything I have that, that is NOT what he would have wanted. For us to just stand at the edge of brilliance. If I know that, then why the tears, the fears,and the worry?  I can guess that it's another way to move through grief. To move through the loss of something so great. He and I and the kids once were such a beautiful garden. And like the musical when Lilly died so did her garden. There was no one to love it, water it, feed it, and play in it. Now there is Mary, and she has come to play in the garden and make it beautiful, all again. The way the garden once was. Beautiful and healing. Which is what Pete would have wanted. He would have wanted the kids and I to play in this wonderful garden. To be healed, to love, to laugh and remember the beauty of his essence inside this beautiful garden.
    For now,  in this moment, I stand here with my hand on the doorknob. I just need to find the courage to open the door. To see all the beauty that Pete see's. And know in my heart, that he may not be physically holding my hand, but I can feel the brush of his wings, as we gallop through the door.

  

A Crazy " if only.." thought.

Too many things about this month seem to be haunting me. The two year anniversary seems to be looming. It seems that I have already worked through the other dates and "crazy thinking."  Like for example on the 26th of October I thought "Well it's been two years since he went into the hospital..."  How many years will that date come around that I will think that thought..
   Much has happened within the past month. Lots of change but all good things. And all things that are helping the kids and I move forward. I feel that I am in a place I never thought I would be in. I feel that I have at this point much happiness in my life.  How strange it seems that 23 months ago I never thought I could have happy again. Or even have any idea of what that might look like.  However I still have so many flashbacks that at times I forget to breathe and still the same thought comes to me "If only..." Silly really in some ways, and yet it still catches me off guard. Like today, I woke up late and everything just kept going downhill. I caught myself at dinner thinking back to times when Pete was home for dinner. And how much it has changed. And yet still it is better than it was say the first few months without him.  The kids and I don't just sit around and stare at each other waiting for him to come home now. I finally have started cooking actual food again. While it may have taken me two years to do it, I at least have started.
   It was in that brief moment that I visited the past this evening did I think "if only..." Which of course never gets me anywhere other than sad. I know whats wrong with being sad? Nothing. It's just the way Sad goes about it. As if Sad is waiting around the corner as I come barreling around it; does it jump out and yell "BOO!" As if to say "Surprise, I'm back!"  The only thing to do is embrace Sad, and accept it's unexpected visit. After the kids were in bed and asleep I wondered out into the garage. I couldn't figure out why the garage door was cracked. So I opened the garage door and shut the door to the house to have a "look around." While I know this may not have been the smartest idea, in case something was hiding out there... but maybe it was just that the door didn't get shut tight. Who knows. Anyway! I went outside and walked over to Pete's workbench. I saw a drawer I hadn't seen there before. I opened it and inside was something of his I had never seen. His prayer book and his rosary. When he was growing up he was Catholic. He went to a Catholic school for elementary and Jr. High. I opened it and found out when he had his first communion. I found a note his teacher had written to him. Two cards that had saints on them. A bag that had a rosary and a cross in it. Along with a medal of sorts that said Bless our Baby.
   I picked each one up and turned them over in my hands. I thought about him as a little boy. Which made me think of Petey. Since he is the exact replica of his father. The medal is what got me. Bless our baby. Before he was mine he was someone's baby. Why did I just figure this out now.. I don't know. The thought of holding my Petey as a baby and what My mother in law see's when she thinks of my Pete as a baby. While even though Petey is only four the things I want for him is to be happy, healthy, and have a long life. Those are probably the things that my mother in law wanted for her baby boy too. It makes me come back to the "If only..."  Along with the things I didn't get to know about him. The things I can't ask him. I can't ask him if he was excited  when he received his prayer book. I can't ask him if he remembers if he his family had a party for him. Sure I can ask his mom. but I want it from his memory. I was not raised Catholic so I don't know the history or ceremonies.  The questions I can't ask but wonder about, is what makes me feel so crazy. And wonder in some ways Why this man? Or even why this little boy, that lived inside of Pete the man?
    I know, I know, The answer is still not going to change the reality. It is what it is. However it's in these moments that I find something I didn't see before, like a movie I have watched over and over and yet still I see something I missed. The memories that I have played over in my mind of us together. Of our life together. I have played them so often I would think that I wouldn't have missed something.  Yet why is it, I can't for the life of me remember the sound of his voice. Only if I think real hard about it can I hear it in my head again. I never thought I could forget something like that. Or even something as simple as his kiss. A wife would never forget that. It make me wonder, is that the minds way of healing? So that as certain things fade you  make room for more things that you are ready to re live and re learn. Or even more memories to come? Yet always, always, remembering how you felt when being in his arms. I don't know the symbolism of it all and maybe I am not supposed to know right now...
   I forever remember how happy I was. And How grateful I am now to have felt that. To have loved him and to have been loved with such intensity. I am sure that Sad will continue to make unexpected visits and I am sure that I will see more and more of Sad as this months and the holidays draw closer. But I also know that I am finally feeling warmth in my heart. And laughter in my house. My only thought would be "If only... he were here to see it.