Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A cranky and Crazy heart.

I wanted so much to make this a fun day, for myself and for my kids. I think I did a pretty good job. But I had my moments of sheer frustration. For one I couldn't seem to stop chanting over and over in my head that this was the day that Pete proposed to me all those years ago.  It was like I wanted to shout to my psyche "Thanks, I got it. You can shut up now!"  So for a part of the day I had this inner battle going on. Trying to be happy and appear that today is a fun day on the outside. While on the inside the anxiety and the dumbness of it all was taking a hold of my heart. Squeezing it and making it hard to feel anything other that agony. I had to get out. So I took the boys to get their haircut.  It was the distraction I needed not only from my own head but it also stopped my from eating too many Valentine m&m's. :)  I am realizing that sugar makes my grief and my crankiness go through the roof. So often it was my "happiness" and now it's my frustration. Lovely!
  When Aryanna got home from school we ran an errand then home to make Aryanna's favorite for dinner. Since for some dumb reason her school didn't have a valentines party I thought that we should have a Valentines party at home then. So Pig's in a Blanket, Chicken nuggets, and Valentine muddy buddies (or puppy chow, which I also ate too much of  as well.) The kids had fun and I gave them their Valentines. It was as the evening was winding down that the cranky's came in and took over. So much for my hard work at trying to block them out. Thinking that the more fun I made the night, the better it would be. I mean I had been planning this for days. I was surprised at how I felt this morning. At one point I finally got my rings out of my jewelry box and put them on my finger for a few minutes. Then felt weird like I always do when I put them on, and put them back in the jewelry box next to his wedding band.
  I don't know what I thought would happen. I guess nothing. The day was hard. It had its ups and downs like any other day but this one was jaded with thoughts of what was. I remember so much of that day. Isn't it crazy? The first year he passed my friend gave me a charm bracelet. And when I opened it I kept thinking "what am I forgetting about this day?" It seriously took me like all day to remember what it was. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest. And I thought to myself and out loud "How could I forget something like that?" While it's been two years since he passed and its all I could think about today. Chalk it up to another "Crazy" moment  I guess. But if I sit and really let myself think about that Valentines day in 2002 I smile at the memory.
   I was dog sitting for a friend of mine. She had this beautiful Irish Setter. Her dogs fur and my hair we almost the same color. I brought her over to Pete's apartment. She was very well trained. I had worked at the salon all day, but I had arranged for one of those cookie baskets to be delivered to his work. I had one of the cookies say I love you Roo! So Penelope and I went over to his apartment where he decided to make homemade pizza.  Sadly the pizza didn't turn out very well but, it was OK cause we had cookies! :)  After dinner we cleaned the dishes and such and I remember looking around like "OK where is my present? I spent 80 bucks on a cookie basket you better have gotten me at least something." lol!  After the dishes were done he suggested we watch a movie. So I went to go and look at the movies. and he said I forgot something.. So silly me still wondering where my gift is I see him come out of the bedroom with a small white fuzzy teddy bear. The teddy bear was wearing a white knitted sweater with a red heart on it. He hands me the bear and gets down on one knee, I look at the bear to realize that around the bears neck on a ribbon is my ring. He says "will you marry me?" I was so surprised that I forgot to answer.  He said "Are you going to leave me down here?" And I said "OH!. Yes, Yes, I will marry you!"  I was speechless. And So surprised. Funny how I can still remember that feeling. I remember I tried to call my mom and my sister and no one answered. finally I got my middle sister on the phone and I said "Guess what?" and she said "he proposed?" I was like uhhhh yeah he did.. and I thought, hello you aren't supposed to guess if you know the answer you are supposed to let me tell you!! But it was all so exciting.
   I remember the look on his face, the excitement of finally being engaged to this man. I also remember being scared too. Cause what if I wasn't ready to get married. I remember asking him that a couple days later. I said "Would you wait for me if I am not ready to get married right away?" So scared of what he would have said "He said, I will wait for you, if you're not ready yet that's fine we can wait." That was all I needed to hear from him. cause then I was like OK lets get married! :)  Ready, set , plan. And we did. We planned an amazing wedding. And we had and incredible life together.
   So why be cranky on a day that changed my life forever? Who knows... Why not celebrated and be happy? I guess on some level it still seems so hard to believe that he's not physically in his body anymore. That everything happend the way it did and that I would only get 7 Valentines days with him. Isn't it crazy the places your mind goes.. On the flip side I am still grateful for those Valentines that I had. And even though i was angry, and cranky at times today I wouldn't change it. I am where I am supposed to be and he is where he is supposed to be for now. While one never knows what the next Valentines day will bring. I know for sure of one thing. My Roo, will always be my First Valentine.

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