Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Hello Lonely...It's me Crazy!"

I should be asleep. I really should. I mean I need to sleep. But I just can't. My brain is full. Too many thoughts are swirling around. And tonight what it comes down to is this, I am lonely. I miss Pete. Chase Leo has a cold. He is teething and not sleeping well. He has had a fever all day. Plus I have run into some more red tape. An account that I thought was closed isn't. The information that was given to me wasn't correct. And I feel that I was left in the dark. When really all I wanted was not to receive  statements anymore and have them sent to the person who is taking it over. The idiot who was supposed to be Pete's friend isn't or wasn't. And now here I am again with unanswered questions. And wondering again why this "friend" didn't give him the best financial advice. Why was he being so secretive before, I think I know why now. And I can't talk to Pete about it. In some ways I want to yell at him for not using his gut instinct and doing something different. I can't ask him. I don't know what he was thinking. And he is the only one who knows the answers. The real answers. I hate shit like this. Trying to find the paper trail. It's 14 months today and I still have questions to things that only Pete would know the answer's too.
    Damnit, why am I here. Why, Why, Why? There is no why. It is what it is. And I have to figure it out with the people he left behind. I have to do it. Like everything else. Figure it out and keep on trucking. My mom was going on and on tonight about how she wishes she could help and that she needs some one to drive her here. and that someday she will get better. When really She has to decide that she wants to get better. Thats what it boils down to. I mean really in her gut in her whole body wants to get better. Not that it would be an easy road for her. She would have to stick with it and not give up when it gets hard. And for her that is hard and for her the road ahead of her will be very hard. However, with her talking on and on about how incapable she is came the "I don't know how you do it." And I hate it, HATE it when she does that. The "oh you must be so tired" and What am I supposed to say "NO, mom I am quite rested" She talks about how exhausted I must be and that she wished their was something she could do. She hates that I would have to drive in the snow. She hates that I would/will need to take Chase Leo to the Dr tomorrow in sub zero weather. The thing is that is's this kind of talking that makes me feel so lonely. I understand that I am her daughter and that she hates for me to do things that to her seem so hard. But, I wish she wouldn't talk at all.  Its like by her telling me all these things that she hates for me to have to do. She makes the loss of Pete more present.
  He is not here to help me load the kids in and out of the car. He is not here to take off of work to go and play with the kids in the snow. He is not here to tell me "Kathryn come to bed, Chase Leo will be fine" But, I need him here with me.
  It feel like I am back on my roller-coaster only right now I feel that I am also back again to the horrible pain of losing him. Feeling raw but in a different way. Conscious now instead of numb and vacant on the inside. This whole thing with the new Why's and Where is this account and who do I need to contact now. Leaves me feeling empty. I wrote on my other "wall" at the Widdahood that I felt "I wanted to cut open my core and  let this horrid and awful pain just seep out of me." As if I was lying on the ground and and this pain, this grief  like black goo could just ooze out of me and then into the ground. I could then just stitch myself back together and walk away from it's blackness, it's sticky gross pain. The rain would come and wash it back into the earth to be transformed into something beautiful. But I could get it out of my insides and it wouldn't haunt me anymore. Grief, Loss, Lonely, Pain. The why's, the questions with no answers. I could walk away and be free. But thats in the ideal world of loss and losing the love of your life. For now I guess the pain and the goo are part of learning how to heal and deal. But it really, really hurts. And it's really, really, lonely.
   Did I think 14 months ago I would be where I am? That I would be writing my heart on the internet for all to read? 14 long, tragic months. Yet in those 14 months I had another baby. And I have 3 beautiful balls of joy and laughter to keep me going. And yelling. :) But it's these nights when I can't sleep. Or don't want to sleep. That make it impossible to not feel his loss in great waves. Standing in the frigid air being pounded by salt water. Alone. Not saying that I don't have friends who care, or family that cares. But this type of grief and loneliness can't be fixed or healed by any one person. I have to do it. I have to live it. I have to ride this roller coaster. In order to feel the sun on my face. In order to raise my kids.  Together we have to teach each other how to live. I have to live through it all. Me, and no one else can do it for me. The messed up part of it is. I always thought that Pete would be right there to hold my hand. Encouraging me to keep trudging on. TO keep raising out kids together and being a team in life. There is nothing I can do about that part now. Other than to believe in myself. To allow the lonely to come in for a visit. But not allow lonely to consume.
  For now though Lonely, is here and I must deal. The kids are all in bed asleep. Chase Leo finally settled down hopefully that dose of tylenol will help. I feel tired enough to sleep. Hopefully Lonely will sleep on the couch tonight. I wish you were here Roo, Roo. To just hold me tight and squeeze out all the yuck. To finally sleep in peace and comfort.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

This Madness, may lead to a padded room for the Crazy!

I am so mad at this moment that I can't even pretend to be nice. Honestly! So mad at Pete for leaving me here to clean up his F**** mess that he left behind. I am so mad, that I physically want to punch something until my hands bleed. Anything to get over being so mad!!!  Let me guess "It's about time I got mad at him" Well here it is full force! I am tired of doing it all the time constantly. Yes, i realize I have breaks and I beg people to watch my kids, and I plan the play dates. But seriously, I don't feel  like I am living. I want to LIVE!! enjoy my children, laugh when they laugh. It's not their fault that God and the universe and who ever else was involved thought this was a good idea. Sure," here Kathryn have a shitty childhood and teen years then find the love of your life. have two beautiful and joyful children together. Get pregnant with the third beautiful and joyful child and then lose the love of your life while you are 7 and a half months pregnant!!" Yes, sign me up thats the life for me!!!!
    I know, no, I wouldn't change anything. I love my children I love Pete for all that he is/was/.isn't/ wasn't But right now I have had it up to beyond the top of my head with life and this shit that we keep trudging through!! The kids are whining, the kids won't sleep. I could be covered in poop and water from head to toe and have no hands and one or both of the big kids, would come and and ask if I could get something for them.  I am constantly saying. "What are Mommy's hands doing?" Are they free? DO you not see all of these bags or groceries I am carrying along with your baby brother and the kitchen sink.? It's constant it's all the time. The talttleing, the...just on and on.... I know, I know .every other mother in the world has to deal with this shit. But this mother is a widow, and this mother does it all day long. There is no one coming home to bring me flowers. There is no one coming home to tell me I am beautiful when I am covered in Baby shit and cat hair. There is no one coming home to give me that extra set of hands. The kids don't get to come to the door and yell at the top of their lungs "DADDY"S HOME" NO, this Mommy is tired and worn out!!
  I know I have said it before and this blog prob sounds a lot like the other blog that I posted. Only this time I am really, really mad at Pete. I have had it!! I am mad at the world. I am so mad. I am mad at myself. I hate that the kids know the F word. I know what kid doesn't know the F word. But c'mon. In an ideal world Pete would come thru the door and say "ROO, watch your mouth!!" Then in that Ideal world he would come through the door after all this time and I would kick his ass!!! But thats the ideal world!! Right?
  I know, there are many people that have it worse than me. and I know that people may be tired of listening to me whine about my life. And I say Gosh I am sorry. but it has been too many nights of not sleeping., Too many nights, of a crying and teething baby, too many nights., of crying myself to sleep, too many nights of shoving the kids over to make room for me in the bed,  that is of course after I have already been sleeping in a rocking chair for the past few hours trying to get the baby to sleep. Why is Aryanna late to school every day I will give you a few guesses.
  I HATE MY LIFE!!! I hate that I don't have one. I hate that I feel that I am only surviving. I hate that I now have to figure out how to live without the love of my life. I hate that my children have to pay for my temper tantrums because after all, it's not their fault their Daddy up and died is it? Whose to blame? NO One. There is no one to blame. cause If I was thinking clearly I would know  it is what it is,. Do you know what that is. It Sucks is what it is!!!  Do you know that it is almost 11pm and C L just made another poopy diaper and I can't just yell "Hey Roo, come change your son again" NO, I have to do it. I don't want to do it. Do you know how many I have changed today? On a baby that rolls over all the time on the changing table. He is constipated and cranky and teething and has a cold and a runny nose. and I have no one to share that joy with. Pete and I used to play Rock,. Paper, scissors over who was going to change the poopy diaper. Who am I going to play that with? The Cat? The cat smells just as bad as the baby. Also I hate that my neck hurts and feet hurt so insanely bad but guess what I don't have Pete here to rub my back., So I just deal with it.
 I know, like every other mother out there. I deal with it. Thats why there is guilt. I know that I am not the only mother who wishes her husband would do more. The thing is, their husbands at least have a pulse. They may not wish they did. But they still do all the same. So here I am feeling  like a bad parent for yelling the F word because the baby had yet another diaper to change. Petey made a huge mess in the bathroom, and I couldn't find the worlds biggest tube of 'Butt Paste" (Yes, it really is called that) This tube of diaper cream was 9 bucks and I cant find it!! I just used it,. No clue can't find it anywhere.
   Whats the point of all this mad!! Honestly. Is it to finally, Finally realize that he really is dead? It's been 14 months. So it has taken 14 months to figure it out. Lovely. My kids have figured it out. And yet they still have to grieve. that is what makes me so Damn mad. Why Pete? Why do that to them? Why God? Why do that to them. They are just kids, just babies? They are left with a a crazy, crazy Mother. Is this what you had in mind?" You had to die in order for me to find my back bone. To find what I was made of. Seriously? thats what this is about? Well thats just dumb!!! and Messed up!! Dear God, did you make a Mistake?  I feel like it's a sentence for something. Welcome to Hell. Thanks, How do I get out of it? When do the kids and I get to get out for good behavior? Let me guess, when we have gone through our 12 step program of grief. I hate my life, have I mentioned that.
   I love my kids beyond breath!! That must be why they make me so insane. I wish I could put them all in bed with me and put me in the middle and have them all surrounding me. So I could keep my hands on all of them. and we could just ease each others pain. I know Crazy right? Cause earlier, I was mad that I had to move them over so I could make room for myself in my own bed. Honestly I refuse to sleep on his side of the bed. I can't even seem to make myself sit on that side of the bed.
   As cozy as my kids make me, there are nights when I go to bed with so much anxiety, I secretly hope one of the bigger ones will wake up and come into my room and sleep next to me so, that I don't have to be alone. Craziness I know. Its still after 14 damn months. Come over, go home. Wait come back I am lonely. No, now you need to leave because I feel crowded. Don't breathe on me, spit up on me, just don't. But wait I need you near me. Insane. and Mad. What a great combination!!!!!
  What's my lesson? Where's my sign? To stop waiting? To realize this is it? My life is now their life? What about the things that I had wanted? The things that I had dreamed? The things I wanted to accomplish? What about the things that Pete and I were going to do? Where am I supposed to put those dreams?  In a box hidden away. to look at someday when I am 85?  He was supposed to be with me, when I was 85!! Now what?  Survival is over. I know how to survive. What I don't know how to do, is Live. I hate this life. I don't want to live it without him in it. What I want, what I can have are two completely and totally different lives. I am not only mad at Pete I am mad at the life that I had with him and the life that we were going to have together. Damn you!! That life is dead too. Fuck. Now what? Where is the guide book? I want to know? How? Thats what I am mad about it's the How? It's hard! It's been hard, it's still so hard. I am mad that it is still so freaking hard. Damnit. I don't want to yell anymore. I don't want to just get up and do the same day over and over and over again. My therapist said it best, its like being on a constant treadmill. You wake up do it all day long, sometimes all night long.  Get up and do it again. The scenery never changes. Its' still hard, it's still long. and Pete is still not here. Now what? Where is my white flag?
   So, I have no Pete. I have no old life. I have 3 beautiful children. I have my family and my friends. I have my house. Two obnoxious cats. I have the love of Pete and for Pete in my heart. He is in the kids hearts. He is in their smile. His spirit is here in this house. However, Still mad. It's now knowing the new challenge. Not only did we have to deal with Pete's passing and the survival mode. It's the knowing that we still have to figure out the Living mode. In some ways I say Damn this Crazy Ride. And at the same time I say Bless this Crazy, Angry. furious, truth telling, character building,Faith infused, Love binding, road to recovery, ride. The light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing a glimpse and hoping, praying, begging that we will make it to the other side.  
      Having Faith in each other.  Having Faith in the foundation that Pete and I set. Knowing now that he is physically not here to help me carry it out. But knowing and hoping that I can stand tall and the kids and I will stand together and live. Really live.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Some Crazy thoughts induced by the thought of Birthday Cake..

I was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking Chase Leo. When the anxiety started creeping in. Not that it doesn't always follow me around but this was a different type of creeping in. Tomorrow is Chase Leo's first Birthday. I can't stop thinking about that day last year.
   I started having contractions and thought really nothing of it. I even drove Aryanna to school. I remember I had to pull over on the side of the road after dropping her off and thinking " You know, this really hurts!" Luckily Aryanna's school is only like 3 miles from my house. I got home and started to keep track of how far a apart they were. I called my sister who said I should call the nurse. While on the phone with her. I had to keep stopping and waiting for the contraction to subside. The nurse said  "Well I think you need to come in, do you have any one to drive you here to the hospital?" So Luckily my Aunt was coming over to be with Petey and I that day. I was never left by myself for very long. I usually had someone with me at least once a day if not all day. My Aunt came in my sister came over. My Aunt said "I think you are going to have that baby today." and I said " No, ya know, I think it's nothing." My sister and Aunt were running around my house trying to get a bag packed. Because of course I hadn't packed yet. That would be so unlike me to do things in a timely manner ( lol) Finally ready, off my sister and I went to the hospital.
   It's going to get confusing between sisters so I am going to call them Sister B and Sister J. Sister B is driving me to the hospital and calls Sister J on the phone who was in a meeting. J says to B "need to call you back" B say's " Um no, I am in the car with Kathryn and she is in Labor!" So J hangs up and comes rushing right over. Get to hospital and get everything hooked up. Dr. and a nurse come in and say " Ok lets have this baby at 12:30pm ( I was technically scheduled to come in the nest day the 13th to have him.)  I started to cry. I held B and J 's hand and said " I can't do this without him, I don't want to do this without him" They were crying, I was crying, the nurses were crying. The problem? Chase Leo was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. The C-section was scheduled. So away we went. Sister B and Sister J were my coaching team. I made sure both were in the delivery room with me.
  I got prepped and walked back to the OR. Got my spinal block and laid down. Where I proceeded to freak out. B and J came in soon after that. B and J said " We are right here, it's OK" Dr. called incision at 13:13 and I yelled from behind my curtain " I don't want to know anything, don't tell me anything" at 13:14 Chase Leo was out. I will never forget. I closed my eyes after the nurse had called out the start time. and I felt and saw this beautiful Golden light, and a huge release. as they lifted him out. I never felt that with the other two. I mean like a weight had been lifted ( granted it was an 8 pound 2.4 ounce weight) I felt so light and the golden light was so bright. Like looking into the sun.  As soon as the baby was out I yelled" I feel sick can I have something for the anxiety?" They gave it to me right away. Sister J held my hand and I kept saying "don't leave, please don't let go." Sister B was getting footage of all the wiping down of Chase Leo the things that I couldn't see since they were putting all my insides back in. I thank Sisters B and J for being my strength in holding me up, and sometimes carrying me. They were my comic relief, and my back bone when I didn't have one and couldn't stand upright. My anchor, and in giving a me a little push in the right direction and holding my hand the whole way.There will never be enough thank you's in the world to let them know.
  I looked at his sweet face and breathed in his scent and I cried. He was beautiful, and healthy and chubby. He had made it. and I had made it I did it. With out Pete. I know his spirit was there. But so many emotions so happy and so scared, and so lonely and so wanting Pete, knowing that I couldn't have him. I got to hold chase Leo all the way back to my room. and I held him so tight. My last little bit of Pete.  I got back to my room and all my family was there. after a few hours My Aunt brought the kids over to see Chase Leo and that was weird for me and for them. Petey just wanted to eat Jell-O and Aryanna wanted to hold him. The moment she held him. I was instantly reminded of how she held Petey for the first time. How Pete had helped her hold his head. I could remember even what she was wearing, and I could see Pete's face and the pride and the joy that he felt. I saw it in his face, and the way he held his body. He was still in his blue scrubs.
   I looked at Chase Leo's beautiful baby face tonight. And thought "Oh, I wish your Daddy could see you. I wish he could hold your little hand in his." These thought that I have had all day. Watching Chase Leo walk around the house and thinking things like "If Chase Leo saw a picture of Pete would he recognize him?" Or "Chase Leo never got to have a big bear hug from his daddy, to run his chubby fingers through Pete's goatee. To bury his face in his daddy's neck. The things that he will never know. It breaks my heart. And I miss Pete so much that I feel like I am slowly being torn in half.  I had planned to bake Chase Leo's birthday cake tonight but I don't know if I can do it. Not because I am too tired, but I don't want the smell of cake in my house.  That was what Pete did. He made cakes. All kind of cakes ( "Ace of Cakes. Cakes") The smell of cake baking in the house feels like just too much. Pete should be here. Making him his First birthday cake.  What would he have made him? Maybe a racecar. I'm afraid that the smell of cake baking will be too hard on Aryanna and Petey. Too many memories. The thought that maybe if we make a cake Pete will come back through that door again.  And he could take the pictures, and the video of Chase Leo making ahuge mess of cake and icing. All of these thoughts that are consuming me. I sit here just weeping for him. For the kids for Chase Leo. So anxious, so heart-broken. If the kids weren't asleep I would just scream out "why did you leave me here.  I need you, the kids need you"  I knew C L's Birthday would be hard. I just didn't imagine that it would feel like this. I still don't want to make the cake. But I want Chase Leo to get to have his very own little cake like Petey and Aryanna did.
   I want to make it for him. something special that his Daddy so loved to do. I want to give him something of his daddy's. I know it's just flour and eggs along with way too much sugar. Yet, I can't wait to see the delight in his eyes when he puts his hand in it and tastes his "baby" cake.  Not a store bought baby cake but one that I made with love and lots and lots of tears.  Chase Leo is getting so big. He is walking. I never, never, thought that Pete wouldn't be here to see it all.  Can I force myself to make his cake without Throwing up? I really really hope so. I guess it's a good thing there is a sink in the kitchen.  I can't stop time. I can't give him his Daddy. I so want to.. I feel these words are empty to the pain I feel right now in this moment. As if everything, all 14 months,are just slamming into me right now. Its all real. So very, very real.  Who knew a cake could trigger something so earth shattering,breath taking,and heart breaking. It's just a cake, but it's a cake for a beautiful and smiley baby boy who never physically met his Daddy.  So , I am going to march into the kitchen and make him the best birthday cake that I can. Possibly a cake that Pete would be proud of. I love you Roo,Roo.  Thank you for Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo. Happy Birthday Baby boy!!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

another Crazy song..

I haven't figured out how I am going to do this. weather I will make a blog that is just designated to the songs that have touched me in some way or just keep adding them to the same post. Or, what I am doing now which is making a new post and putting in the song. The one idea of doing it with putting a song as a post could go along with the story. So that one day when I look back on all these posts I will see where I was and what month I was in when I found the song/songs that affected  me in a way that I felt I needed to post them.. Any thoughts ?

here is the song I heard it today It's by Carrie Underwood.
"Someday When I Stop Loving You"

One foot on the bus bout half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in it's path
Thinking that you might get off for that.

I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids we hadn't had yet
One for your Grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time

I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you

I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end, it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow

I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you

Ooooh, oh Someday
Oh, Someday

I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
Someday when I stop loving you.

Here is another song
"Probably wouldn't be this way.." (Leann Rimes)

Got a Date a week from Friday with a Preachers son
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to see

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

I'm Probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh you left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so luck to have had the chance to love this much
God give me a moment's grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh you left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God give me a moment's grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

I probably wouldn't be this way

Got a date a week from Friday with a Preacher's son
Everybody say's I'm Crazy
I'll have to see

Friday, January 7, 2011

A day in the life of a Crazy Lady.. who feels completely done in!

On a venting Rampage. So tired of it all. So damn tired. Iand I alsways say that I am frustrated and fed up. But this goes beyond frustrated and fed up! This is just stupid. so here we go.  pick up Aryanna from school who is on a compete high because it was pajama day. She gets in the car and won't put her buckles on. I get out of the car, sliding on the driveway. Get in buckle her up and off we go to look at a couch ( mine is falling apart) Why, why, would you take 3 kids to go shopping?  But I was meeting my sister so it would be a little better.  Ran to McDonald's knowing that the kids would be hungry. Even though Petey had a snack but A did not have lunch at school today. So thankful to have a gift card to McD''s. Off we go. Put our order in and then drive away realizing it's all wrong. Went to another McDonald's that is closer to where I am meeting my sister to pick up all the things they forgot. Now to meet my sister.. She comes out to the car, I run into the store and look at the two that she has picked out. Put one on hold and away we go to another store. Go in store. This place is way bigger. Tell kids all about what good behavior they need to have while in the store. Meanwhile it goes in one ear and out the other. My sister and I are sitting on couches and the big kids are jumping off chairs and love seats. Lovely. finally it's between two. Take a picture of the couch I like best get lady's name and leave the store. Get everyone in the car. It's snowing by the way. Now homeward bound. Here is where the fun begins. I drive all the way home only to realize that I forgot to go to the bank.Turn around and go back out to the bank.
   Park in front spot run into building grab a deposit slip and back outside to the car. Fill out the form and then get in drive through line. There are only two lines open and they are full. I could leave but I must get the check in the bank TODAY. so Look in the back seat A and P are asleep and Chase Leo is crying! Lovely!! after about 5 minutes of waiting, he settles down and falls asleep. Ahhh peace at last. All three kids asleep. Eventually it is my turn  I give the teller my check and info. Wait some more, then done and back home we go again. Now the joy of waking up three kids, to get them out of the car. Petey is crying cause he wants his binky even though it is in his hand. And Aryanna wants me to carry her.  I can't pick her up and get out of the car and get the baby out of the car as well. Alas, everyone in the house. Now Petey and Aryanna are cranky and I am worn out. The kitchen is a mess and I happen to step on some sort of toy that goes crunch. Petey and Aryanna are fighting about who is going to sit where on the couch. I go into Aryanna's room and Chase Leo comes in. Walking of course. What looks to be a fruit snack in his hand I go to inspect what it really is... Ready? It's a piece of Cat poop!!!!! Damnit! I yell at the cats yell at the kids wash the baby's hands. Decide Baby still smells like a litter box. Take all  Chase Leo's clothes off and put him in the tub to sanitize him from head to toe.
  Meanwhile Petey is mad because I won't let him get into the tub with Chase Leo. Why? because this causes more water. More of a mess and Petey is never careful in the tub with C L. SO he is crying in his room. After a quick wash and rinse I get him out of the tub and to my room to get lotioned and clothed. Aryanna comes in and asks for some Toast, I tell her she has to wait since I am lotioning chase Leo. So she waits. After Chase Leo is diapered she asks again. I tell her no and ask her "what are Mommy's hands doing right now" So C L is finally dressed and she asks again. Grrrr. "Yes here Aryanna, is your Damn toast." Off she goes to the couch. Now the whole house smells like Cat shit to me. So I put chase Leo in the jump-a roo. And go yelling and screaming through the house about the cat shit. That I hate the cats and that they have 48 hours to find a new home. I go to clean out the litter boxes but can't find the liners. Or the pads. So I do find them out in Jenga. Hold my breath empty them out. Clean the littler boxes cussing the whole way. Now I feel dirty.
  Put Chase Leo into another bouncy chair and I get in the shower. Where he continues to cry the whole time. Once out of the shower where I feel clean and sterile I post on Facebook that the cats don't have any time left.  I mean seriously I have like 400 and some friends I have posted notes and letters and emailed and asked around and told people that it's too stressful on them it's too stressful on me they need to go. I have asked friends of friends to post these letters and emails on their walls. How could no one in the whole nearby states not want two cats!!! They are cats for God's sake. It's not like I can just throw them outside. it's 22 degrees outside. They have no winter coat, it's in humane. I know If your Child were carrying around Cat poop I am sure some of you might just say who gives a shit about humane. However because I so emotional and such a crazy I can't do it. Besides that I kinda don't want them to go in the first place.   So many memories with them. It's like honestly NOTHING gets to stay the same. Seriously? But they are after all having bad bad behavior and they can't deal with all the stress and Pete's death. Well guess what? Neither can I.  
    After the cat incident I want to of course, wash all my clothes but lo and behold I can't, because my washing machine still isn't working. Lovely. Called the people today and they said that parts were on order they would call when they were in. Thats helpful. I have had to wash at so many friends and families places I am about to lose it. I know what you are thinking, that it's too late I have already lost it.  Now the anxiety of ranting and raving is kicking in. I sit on the chair and cry. Cry about the cats, Cry about the washing machine, and cry about Pete. I text a friend to see if I could use her machine.  However I know that it is not easy for other people when we all come over to do laundry. It's not like I can just drop by. We all have to come in. My kids can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Therefore, I usually leave feeling that I have worn out my welcome due to all of the things that Chase Leo can get into and all of the snacks and food that the other two want to eat. Along with the whining and such that goes along with being a kid and being trapped in someone else's space. Even though I know that the kids love being other places it's just the toll it takes on everyone else in the process. Fun!  I try to do my wash at other peoples house when no one is home so we won't bother them.
  Called my sister " I have got to get out of my Cat shit smelling house and I need to wash some clothes can I use your washing machine while you are gone." Sure" she says come on over. So get everything together all the soap and the clothes. Just the important ones so that I have something to cover up in and Chase Leo has Pj's and Big kids have underwear.. By this point it is now dark outside and is starting to snow again.  I have a tall wired laundry basket that has clothes and a bottle of soap in it. I am walking around the car to the passenger side when what happens? I slip and fall! I go all the way down on the ice on my drive way. My hip and hand hit first with the laundry basket on top of me. My fingernail on my right hand gets caught between one of the wire rungs and bends my finger nail back. I yell ouch. And then goddamnit. Pick myself up off the ground, put laundry basket in car and head back inside to get the other one. Let me tell you.  I am currently sitting on a soft couch, my butt hurts just sitting here on the couch and my finger still hurts. So get the other basket loaded into the car. Now the kids. Petey won't put his coat on and he can't find his socks. He finds his sock now I am on the floor putting on his shoes and he won't put his coat on by himself. Since I just want to get the hell out or here. I throw on his coat yelling a cussing at the same time. Now everyone out to the car get everyone buckled and off we go to my sisters house who luckily does not live very far away.
  Now it is dark in the car and I start to cry again. About how much I hate this. I hate this life. When is enough, Enough. Aryanna is asking for the 800th time for me to turn up the movie. Where I yell "I have already turned up the damn movie maybe you should open your ears!!!"  Great Parenting skills I know!! Cry all the way to my sisters house and then try to hold it together. Another thing, I am tired of showing up at different family events just to have a compete meltdown about yet something else. I feel like I just need to pull it together. This is the hand I have been dealt, therefore I should just make the best of it. Like eat shit and smile.  I wanted not to fall a part at her house. That feeling of OK this has been going on long enough. Aren't you tired of watching me cry. I know I am tired of crying over nothing and everything. I told my sister about Chase Leo and the Cat Poop thing and she found a no kill shelter but it is like 45 min from here. the one that is here in town is full. Wonderful! But she helped me while I cried my way through the laundry to put it in the washing machine. She left and went to dinner the kids and I stayed behind. The kids did pretty good at her house.
   I wanted to be gone by the time she got home but no such luck. Got the clothes out put the wet ones in a bag because "hey my dryer works great". Told everyone it was time to get in the car. My sister and I had to hold Petey down to get his stupid coat on. I get the nice clean folded laundry into the car and the wet laundry. Leave some towels with her to wash and now home we go. When we pulled into the driveway I notice that the driveway wasn't covered in as much ice. I got out of the car to see that there was salt on it. I think the neighbor that saw me fall put some salt down for us. THANK YOU!!! Now to get everyone out of the car including a sleeping Chase Leo. Then get the laundry out and everyone into the house. There is arguing over where to put shoes and me yelling again that they need to listen. Petey is crying/whining cause he can't get his pacifier out of his coat pocket. when I tell him that no, it is not in his pocket. He cries and demands that I get it for him now. So I pick him up and throw him in his room. And say that he can't talk to me that way anymore. I am tired of him not using nice manners, no please or thank you. But hey can you imagine why they don't? I'ts because I am too busy yelling at them in not nice words either.
   Now it seems that when I get upset about stuff Aryanna starts telling me how much she loves me over and over and over again. And I always say "yes bug, Mommy loves you too." However she chooses these moments when my head is going to blow off. to say "Mommy I love you." Or when Petey gets into trouble "Mommy, I love you all the way to China." I should be really happy that she loves me. But it grates on me and I feel like I am going to yell even louder. I asked her today. While I was mad about the cats. Why does she tell me over and over again. I said "not that I am not grateful, and love that you tell me that. I just wondered why you tell me so many times in a row. She didn't really say anything. Then I told her that I was just mad at the cats because I can't seem to find a new home for them and they have bad behavior.  That it makes mommy really mad. I told her I was not mad at her. Just mad at them. Unfortunately everyone around me has to pay for my bad behavior.
  Here I am again with the "enough is enough". I feel like a raging, yelling, overly tired, worn out, burned out, stupid, grieving, crazy brat. Done and so over it. I can't take a break, I can't take a vacation. It feels like it wouldn't be worth it. At what cost? The kids mad at me cause  i went away for a weekend. The trying to get back to normal daily life. Would I come back refreshed? Or just more insane.
   Its the constant picking up and falling over toys and trying to stay on top of it all. I pick up stuff and Chase Leo pulls it out. The kids fight and argue over the dumbest things. The cats are barfing on the floor. Chase Leo is getting into their water bowls and cat food. Picking him up and moving him to a new location. Petey and Aryanna are so loud. Aryanna is moody even at 5. Yet I sit here and think can you blame them? look who is raising them. I try so Fucking hard and feel at times I get nowhere. I know, I know, that it what a lot of stay at home moms say. But are they yelling at their kids? are they waiting for their husbands to come home that never do? Worn out, physically and mentally tired, over stressed, over stretched and just plain over it!!
  Petey argued about getting his "day" clothes off and putting on his "night" clothes. Aryanna listened and started to brush her teeth when at the last minute I realized I forgot to give her medicine that I put into juice. Which she thinks is so funny when mommy forgets something. On the inside I don't think it's so damn funny. It's just one more thing that I forgot. There fore it's another thing that I have to do again. I love doing things twice. Itchy juice done, brush teeth again. Petey hands me his tooth brush and I help him brush. But he acts like he has never brushed his teeth before. Grr. I am not only trying to brush Petey's teeth I am also holding Chase Leo on my hip who is way tiered. Finally, get the big kids into Aryanna's room to get in bed. Aryanna swears that Petey has her pillow. So there is more yelling. I move the pillows around. Then Petey and Aryanna are being squirely, I can't seem to find the night light and they were supposed to be in bed almost 45 minutes ago. Lights out Prayers said. Kids want me to sing to them but honestly I just don't have it in me. Here we are the best part of the whole day. Kisses and hugs. Love it!! They want to kiss and hug Chase Leo it's very sweet. I give them hugs and kisses we pray for a home for the kitties and I pray outloud to "help Mommy be nicer"
The I love yous and the reminder to come find me if they need me in the night.
  Now to get Chase Leo to bed. Feed him some fruit and get him a bottle. Go and sit in his room. with the night light on, along with the humiderfier and sit in the rocking chair he drinks about half and starts to wriggle. wants to get down. It's 10:15 and he wants to play. I don't want to play I want him to go to bed so I can write. Finally I put him down and say Fine Chase Leo. Out we go to the family room and I turn the computer on pull up my page and start to write. If he wants to be awake then he can just be awake while I write. eventually he starts to lie his head on the floor. So in his room we go again. We are sitting there in the rocking chair and I am singing to him. he has his blanket and his paci all should be well. When he starts to pull my glasses off. and play with my face, my hair, my necklace. I think to myself I should be cherishing these moments he is going to be one next week and is changing so much. Why can't I just enjoy it? I know why, because I have had a crazy day. I am tired I want some time to myself. just go to sleep. I do some Reiki on him and he starts to settle down and drift off to sleep. give him kisses. and back out to write. Cats are milling around and constantly under my feet wanting to be fed. feed cats grab the chocolate sit down to write and not 3 minutes go by do I hear the cat starting to throw up in the kitchen. Really?!!
   So there you have it my day. I am tired, sore, worn beyond worn, and I don't want to go to bed. Yes, I want this day to end. However it feel like When I wake up in the morning the crazy starts all over again. The anxiety, the boredom, the cranky, the whining, the needing, the wanting, the mess, the toys, the cleaning, on and on it goes all the time. Tonight I don't know what to say about being positive and seeing the whole picture. Tonight I just feel over done. I don't know what there is to look forward too. I don't have any plans for tomorrow. I know that it is Saturday. A day that 2 years ago would have been a "family" day. Pete would be home from work, we would all be together. I want it back, but it's not coming back. So, I can hope for a better nights sleep, for no anxiety in the morning, and for a better "Nicer Mommy" day. A day where I am not yelling, And a day where I get an email or phone call that says' " hey I found that loving home you wanted for your cats, they are coming to get them tomorrow."  I will be sad, but happy that they will have a better happier environment. An environment like they used to have. On the bright side. My kids are healthy, clothed, fed, and know how to laugh a lot.  Maybe, just maybe, I might be doing something right after all.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Mad, Sarcastic, Crazy and Hopeful...

Lets start with the mad part shall we. Mad that Pete is not here. I know thats a given. At what point would I not be mad? Right? It's the mad and the tired part that really gets me going! Tired of being a single parent. When in fact I am not a single parent I am an ONLY parent. If I were a single parent, I could at least have the option to call him up. But I don't!! Tired of doing it all on my own. Yes, I have help. But its that night time routine. The bedtimes, the baths, the not going to sleep, the one more drink of water. The making sure that the monitor is right by head, so that I can hear the baby if he makes any peep at all. The not being able to share my bed with Pete. Instead I share it with a 3 year old and a 5 year old who both insist on sleeping in the middle or better yet arguing over who is going to sleep right next to me at 3 in the morning.  It's the baby that refuses to sleep when it's time for bed. When A and P are in bed and he is still just a playing away. There is no one to be "that" person. "That person should be Pete. But where is he? I will give you one guess? We all know where he is. It just sucks!!!! Royally.
     I hate being mad! I do, honestly whats the point of it. You don't get a prize at the end for being able to calm yourself down. And no one wants to be around you when you want to just scream your head off. The problem with that is, not only do I scare the crap out of my children and they all start to cry but then I have a sore throat. and lots of guilt. So I am screwed either way. Bad parent for yelling at my kids, because I am so damn mad at their father for up and dying.  Screwed because I am here left to pick up the pieces. and screwed because it is not their fault that Pete died!!! But they have to pay for it in some ways because I am the one yelling! SO again I ask you what the hell is the point of getting angry?!! Major problems have not been solved when people are mad. Mad and angry just cause more Problems. Like the fact that I am so mad and angry right now I can't even type, and that in itself is making me what to just run around the room yelling!!! Wonderful! that and the fact that the baby won't go to sleep.  SO where is Pete when I want to write? No where. I am writing while I should be trying to figure out how to get the baby in bed. makes me want to yell " Where are you Pete?" This what you had in mind?" "gives a whole new meaning to forever young does it not?"
   And another dumb thing to be mad about I am 31 years old. The odds of me finding someone else are slim. Not only do I have three children 5 and under.  I am a stay at home mom and a widow. Who wants that kind of baggage. I actually tried a free trial of Just to see what there is to see. Really there is not a lot to see. And besides that since my 3 days are up I have to  pay a million dollars a month if I want to see more. I can't afford to spend millions of dollars on a match/eharmony service. I have children to feed, and car payments and all that other stuff called life. I feel 800 trapped in an almost 32 year old body. Hey at least for 800 I look pretty good right?
   Now more crazy... I wish he was here. Why can't he be? Just come on down!. One new healthy body, same spirit and there you have it. I mean I know people talk about how great heaven is but to quote my sister in law I would think that he would miss his kids and family enough to want to come on back. I wish that none if this happened. I know stupid right? Who doesn't wish that the horrible thing that happened to them had not  happened? I am tried of being the grieving a lonely widow. I don't want to do it anymore. Lets do something else for awhile. I feel like that tag is just following me around. I don't want to go to group anymore. I just want in some ways to just act like it didn't happen. I know, whats the point of that and "oh it's so unhealthy". I just want a damn break from it all. Reality stop looking at me! Go look somewhere else for awhile.
 So here we are, I miss Pete. But I want him here. I want to try meeting someone for coffee, yet really all I want is Pete. So  at this point since I can't have that, now what? I feel old and young. Crazy and sane. Crazy and normal. and the ever so popular response to "Oh honey you are not crazy you are just grieving. Yet I feel crazy and at time and I act a little crazy. So I just chalk it up to being crazy. And How do you put that on an "profile" I supposed adding my blog site is not the smartest route.
     What am I doing? Where am I going? It will be 14 months. Now what?  The survival has ended and now its the how do I live my life?  I look at my kids and think.."Wow, they have accepted it, sort of." Why can't I?" I feel in some ways I am at the point of my "grieving" ( just love that word) Where I am being like a child.  Kicking and screaming on the floor yelling "NO, I DON"T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN." Like I am digging my feet into the mud as if that will hold time. Those stupid why's swirling around in my head. Still swirling.. Damnit Stop swirling, and just go away. Things like. "Why couldn't we have had more time together?" I had so many plans. And so did he. " Why couldn't I have met him sooner?" There is no point in going "why didn't I get him to the hospital sooner?" at this point I don't think it matters. I am past that. Now it's just that I am mad that I didn't have enough time with him. I met him in 2000, married in 2003, had first baby in 2005. he was gone by 2009.
Shit! Now it's 20011
   I wanted the beginning of this year to go so much better. I feel like it's because I wanted it so much that it's starting out like shit. . I feel like on the inside I am just yelling over and over. I want Pete. I am done with this. I just want him. Bring. Him to me. Now.  I am well aware of the many lessons that we have all learned in this process. However at what point can I just hold up my hand and say " OK thanks. I have had enough learning. And test taking, Can you just pass me. Move me to the next grade and we can get on with graduating out of grief and onto healing. Thank you. There however is no class for "putting your life back together again and yet again 101" where is the cliff notes please?  I have mastered the hard class, the heartbreaking class. Made it through the "so Angry I am going to rip your head off class" I did so well in that one I keep going back to it. There is also the give birth to your third baby by yourself without your loving husband class. Seriously I think that one was just plain stupid. I have made it through just one too many heart wrenching, earth shattering, please put me out of my misery classes. I hold up my hands and say enough. Make it stop., Please go away.
   I want more from this life, than grief and survival. Let me guess, With time it gets easier? Thanks. How about the" I am done with this part of my life, lets just get on with it please." When does that come into play? When all the lessons are learned? When I get me feet out of the mud, rinse them off and keep moving forward? When I stop yelling? Or just When I stop asking when, and just know. I have heard it all before. The "It won't always be like this."  I do believe that. It's just when I have to take a trip to re-visit, the angry, the why, the questions and the ever so popular classes at "Widow School" (we have school "Spirit" or even "Spirits" and you can buy "Widow Wear" and "of course "Spirit Wear)  :) However, here we are again Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo, and  myself, Starting out again in 2011.
  I guess what I hope for a more positive, loving and peaceful year. Where we can find peace, but also peace within ourselves and within each other.   To hopefully stop some of the hard and learn to find the simple. looking for the joy of the day and not the constant looking over my shoulder to find a glimpse of Pete. To be happy in my own skin. To let go, and live. I know it's a tall order for one year but, I never do anything the "normal" way. I prefer the crazy way, instead.