Monday, February 28, 2011

A crazy story...

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young woman filled with such happiness.. She had found her Prince. She would say "I know that sounds so cliche"  and yet it was so true. That once young woman sits here now and recalls her wedding. She thinks about that beautiful young woman. The joy on her face. and the realization. that no more would there be pain or suffering. That the man she was marrying was bringing joy and light and life into her world. He changed everything. Making her so lucky to be his! He had called her his and she had called him hers. Always to be together. Hearts united together. Never to part or be alone again. The pain, the abuse, was behind her now. What stood in front of her was a beautiful, loving, caring, man who loved her so unconditionally. And she loved him with every breath of her whole existence.
 The way he looked at her. The way her caressed her skin and kissed her softly, yet with such passion and love. Granted he was not perfect but she loved him for everything he was, for everything he wasn't and for everything that she believed he could be. The wedding was beautiful. All their friends and family supporting and praising for a wonderful union of two beautiful and strong people.  What a glorious day that was. Everything beautiful from her gown to glow in their eyes when they looked at each other. Sharing secret smiles and inside emotions that only they understood. When they danced he held her close and smiled a smile that lit up the whole room. Laughter and joy filled everyones hearts. For they knew what a beautiful life these two beings would have. They knew that these two would be "that" couple. Passionate, tender and sweet. Yet bold, intense and tentative all at the same time. They sparkled in each others presence. A sparkle unlike any other.
  They settled down in a small house. Making it their own. Simple and yet homey. She soon got pregnant after 2 years of marriage. He delighted in her and told her beautiful things. Even though she felt as big and swollen as a house. They both had a vision for the baby's room and together they created it in love. He painted and she stood back in awe of his beautiful gift that God had blessed him with. They filled their new baby's room with love and a beautiful garden. She would dream of putting their baby girl to sleep in that room. She daydreamed as she was lying on the floor. Looking up at the giant tree painted in the corner with its roots going down into the floor and it's branches reaching up so high into the clouds above. The rolling hills so delicately and freely painted. With the one small touch that she added of flowers springing up form the grasses that he had painted. Filling baby's room with a crib and a rocking chair. Bedding flourished with butterfly's and lady bugs. She would sit in the corner in that rocking chair that he had given her.  Look up at the clouds that he had painted in this whimsical room, holding her belly and caressing her baby from the outside in. filled with wonder of the new adventure that she and him were about to explore.
  The blessed event arrived with lots of labor and finally a c-section. Aryanna was born Jylu 2. Her beautiful baby girl was here. Her Daddy so proud of his baby girl, he held her so close with such pride. A new little sparkle to add to the two big ones in her life. The Daddy loved her and cared for her, delighted in her and thanked her mama for working so hard to bring this bundle of joy into their lives. He was filled with so much love and joy he thought he would pop from the excitement of it all. Taking it in, and absorbing it into his mind, body and soul. How he felt blessed to have such beauty in his life. One woman and one little girl.  Both he loved and adored. With feelings of being the luckiest man alive.
   He taught his little girl and shared in her joy and the things that she relished. He showed her the things that brought him joy and he shared in them with her. holding her hand and encouraging her to find her own way but with a touch of help from Mommy and Daddy. She was not an easy baby. What with her mama's fire and her daddy;s stubborn streak but she was strong, healthy and independent.
   Within a year. The Mommy and Daddy decided it was time to add onto their family. The mama got pregnant within a few months. Before they knew it they were to be blessed with a boy. The father so happy and full of pride. and the Mama feeling so blessed to have now two men in her life to love. Again she stood and watched as her husband and man of her dreams fill the new baby's room with love and a beautiful painting. This one fit for a little king. He filled the room with a vision of airplanes. including a garage for the plane. She watched him as painted the trees. each stroke of his hand with the brush. Watching the tree's fill in around the room. As he painted the sky so blue and with so many dimensions. He carefully and diligently added the touches of fluffy white clouds. Giving one a true sense of flying. He found the perfect decals for the room and placed them in the exact place. Filling her with a feeling that if she stood there long enough she would hear the sound of the engines as they flew over her head. The closet painted with gray colored bricks. And old vintage signs hung on the "garage walls". She marveled in his master piece. And looked on with such pride as he took his old dresser as a child and painted it to look just like a craftsman tool box. She added the delicate touches that Mommy's add. The quilt with the airplanes on them for the baby's bed. The sheets with the vintage trucks and airplanes. She again laid on the floor and would look up at the sky he had painted. Watching the clouds go by. With wonder and excitement of yet another new journey.
  Again the blessed day arrived. this time with no labor just in they went with a scheduled c-section. In no time at all another beautiful and breath taking dark haired little baby entered into their lives. How she held her little baby boy so close. While he looked on with such wonder and awe. He finally got his own little boy. He couldn't wait for baseball games, and racecars at the tracks. Playing outside and being muddy. How he looked into those eyes that were exact replica's of his own. What he couldn't believe was that he now had two beautiful baby;s along with the world best mama and wife a man could ask for. He couldn't be any happier.
  The nights of course were long and many of them sleepless. But as they together had two sparkles. They learned together how to be parents, how to be husband and wife at the same time. They marveled in each other and with their children they learned so many truly wonderful blessings and trials that children can bring to young and new parents. However not so new with this one. The balance of two independent and sensitive beings always looking to them for guidance, attention, play and adventure. He showed them how to be both creative and smart. Together She and him taught them beauty, love and grace.
  Soon much to the surprise of the her Prince they were to be blessed again with another baby. He was so surprised. And she was as well. They knew this would be the final addition to their beautiful and loving home. How ever even though she and him both knew this and agreed to this they still felt so blessed to have such healthy and loving children. As with the other pregnancy's the sickness soon came and the tired and restless nights. But he held her so close. Told her she was so beautiful and she knew that in his eyes she was. Even though again she felt like a small apartment complex. He cherished her, helped her move forward when she was so sick she didn't think she could go on anymore. He continued his role as a dedicated father and role model to his loving and adoring children. He adored his wife and loved her completely. In a way she never had felt before. And she loved him in the same intensity. Yet something went wrong.
  One day he came home from work so very sick. She cared for him the best way she knew how. The other two kids had colds and she was tired with this pregnancy. Worried about him and wanting him to get better to help with the other two. feelings of being over whelmed and wonder, as to why he just wasn't' getting better. Within a week he was worse than before. She told him to get in the car they were going to the hospital. Little did she know that when they got to the hospital this part of her life would change forever and never be the same.
The Dr's said he needed more oxygen and that he needed medicine., Admitting him right away. She called her father and he came quickly to the hospital to get Aryanna and Petey. She stayed with him by his side. They talked briefly and she tried to find something to do with her time. Pregnant and worried she called her sister who came to the hospital to be by her side. Within a few hours her Prince was sitting in ICU with an oxygen mask in a room where he was isolated from everyone else. She went into his room, gently running her hands across his arms. telling him how much she loved him and he proclaiming his love to her as well. Asking her to stay away, for fear of the baby she was carrying would get sick too. He looked in her eyes with such endearment and yet fear telling her to go home and rest that this would be a long road. She kissed his hand, and his face then left the room.
  The days and weeks to follow were a nightmare. The constant worry, the constant fear of what was really going on. People coming and going from her house. She tried to nail down people to watch the other two so she could get as much time as she could at the hospital. The little boy and girl constantly asking where was Daddy and when was he coming home. She told them what she knew. Daddy is at the hospital b/c he is sick when he is healthy he gets to come home. Every day she went to the hospital she would pray that this day he would be better, that this day he could come home. And every day it was more bad news. She sat in his room and looked at the strong man that she always knew and loved and watch him become weak. Something he never, ever was. She longed to kiss his sweet lips. To see his smiling face look at her with such joy the way he always did. She held his hand and encouraged him to just keep going to keep fighting. She told him over and over until she had no breath that she loved him so much and how proud of him she was. She brought pictures of the kids and filled his room with their smiling faces. Friends brought banners with the words "Go Pete Go". chanting him on from the other side. She filled his room with music and at night she would sing to him the songs he loved best. She watched the monitors and asked questions and waited while they ran more tests and more questions with no answers. She cried and cried begging him to just keep fighting. That she needed him, that his little girl and son needed him and that their unborn baby needed him. She stayed by his side and held his hands massaged his feet and caressed his face. Running her fingers through his goatee and telling him how amazing he was.
  One day he started doing better, the Doctors started waking him up and he opened his eyes. He looked for her. He raised his head off the bed as she walked into his room. This man that she loved and all his strength he would watch her and mouth beautiful words to her. Telling her how much he loved her and asking how the baby was. She held his hand and looked in his eyes. He looked so tired but she held on, and didn't let go. She filled him with peace and love. Chatting about the new things the kids were doing and how big the baby was measuring. But as he tried to make sense of it all, he got overwhelmed and frustrated causing him to need more oxygen. She tried to just let him rest but he wanted to be with her so badly that he couldn't rest when she was around. She looked at him and told him how beautiful he was and how amazing he was and that he needed some rest that she would be back in a few hours. However when she returned things were not well.
  His blood was clotting and his lungs were tired. He was losing the fight. She stood by his side with her big pregnant belly and had him listen to the baby's heart beat through a Doppler. She whispered though her tears listen to your baby. He needs you. You can do this, I know you can. But for all his fighting and all her encouragement it just wasn't enough. She went to his room touched his face rubbed his ear like she always did. and whispered in his ear. "I need you to stay, but understand that you can't. It's OK. Go to the Garden your Angel will meet you there. It's OK. I love you so much. I am going to name the baby Chase. I love you more than breath." She looked at him, and with so much anguish and tears streaming down her face walked out of his room. Never to see him again. He passed away peacefully with family and friends around him. His Mama and daddy holding his hand as he left this beautiful earth and into the next joyous place.
    The details to follow a blur and the memories of that awful nightmare often revisited in dreams. She was surrounded with people constantly. She made it to term and delivered a healthy, beautiful, dark haired little baby boy named Chase Leo. She cried when she saw him and held his so close. Whispering in his ear. Your Daddy would be so proud.
  She sits here now 15 months later and thinks again of that young woman. She knows that if she were to ask that woman if she knew the outcome, would she do it again? Would she date and marry him again? Knowing that he wouldn't live.. Her answer will always be Yes. Because for awhile she knew, breathed, lived happiness  to it's fullest. She knows her Prince, and knows that even though he is not with her now, she was blessed to have had him touch her life. Blessed to have had his love, blessed to have loved him. To have cared for him. To have been blessed to be his wife and the mother of his children. Even though it was too short. She knows, with out a doubt she would do it all over again.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Crazy memories spilling around me...

I miss Sunday afternoons. Pete would be home an working on some project of some sort. The kids would play. Or help Pete in the garage. Usually he would have racing on. He would sit on the couch an have a snack. I would just plop down beside him and lie my head on his shoulder. Probably complain of being bored, or wanting to go out and meet a friend for coffee. Now it seems that these memories creep in ever so vividly. As if I could just reach out and touch them. Bringing them so close to my body. Last night I was standing staring at the fridge. I keep lots of random pictures on it along with the kids art work. One picture in mind stuck out however. It was one of Pete holding Petey as a baby in the hospital. Petey was lying on Pete's forearm and Aryanna was leaning in to kiss Petey on the top of his head. However when the picture was originally taken the photographer couldn't get a good shot of Aryanna and Petey. So she photoshopped Aryanna in later. As I was looking at this picture I reached out to touch the picture. I ran my hand over the smooth cool surface. I kept running my hand back and forth over Pete's hand as if somehow I could feel his touch. If I just reached far enough, touched enough somehow I would feel the warmth of his hand, or feel something. But all I felt was the cold paper under my finger tips. The flood of memories that consumed me.
 How worried I was about leaving Aryanna to have Petey. I had never left her over night before. Worried about how she would handle having a new baby brother. So scared about having to walk back to the OR and lie on the table willingly as they opened me up to get my beautiful baby boy. The pride on Pete's face the first time he looked at his son. How I kept asking him if he looked like his name so I wouldn't have to hear what the doctor's were talking about while putting me all "back together". The way Petey felt in my arms. The way Pete held him so close and so tenderly. And the memory of how holding Petey and looking at his new baby boy brought tears to his eyes. My Pete so tough on the outside and so tender and sweet on the inside. Touched by his son's hand and that feeling of never wanting to let go... Yet little did either of them, let alone all of us know. What was to come.
   It's those memories that I know are blessings in disguise. No matter how much they hurt to remember. How much they take my breath away as if all the air has been sucked out of my lungs just to look that close at one small and yet monumental memory. The hurt, the pain of losing him and never being able to touch him, see his smiling face look at me again. His smiling face that doesn't get to see and physically feel his children's touch. And vice versa. The feelings of being completely lost and lonely. I sit here on my couch and look at A and P. I can hold them so close, to kiss their sweet faces and yet I probably don't as much as I could or should. The feelings of being so tired and just wanting some time away. And yet feeling the loneliness ever so present on this Sunday afternoon.
  The snow is melting and the sun is shining. I sit here and look out the window wondering what Pete would have done with this day. Would he be sitting at the table with Aryanna making a new piece of jewelry to sell. Playing trains or drawing with Petey. And I wonder what he would be doing with Chase Leo. Reading to him. Wrestling with him. Or feeding him some new concoction that he cooked up in the kitchen. I think of how the house would feel, how would it sound? I sit here and miss him.
  It seems the more I move forward the more I wonder about things. The future before that seemed so bleak and impossible seems to have some clearer lines and pictures. People that have come into my life. Bringing with them more questions and yet a bit of happiness. The grief that has started to sit in the passenger's seat and move closer to the door. Instead of always being the driver. It's on these days when I remember something that I want to just pull him so close to me. To take a line from a song. " To reach back in the past and whisper in your ear, oh darling I wish you were here" (Owl City-Vanilla Twilight) Yet knowing that in this moment I can't. But I have my memories those memories so fresh and so real. That i feel if I could just stand still long enough I could really feel them again. Wanting to, begging to and yet knowing I still can't. So in this new crazy life.. I have these moments like today that seem intangible to those on the outside or recently becoming the inside. There are no comforting words to say. Just sit with me, Share my space. Let me feel safe in your presence to re live, re- breath. To take in remembering the beautiful life, love and laughter that we once had. And hoping and praying that with the spring brings newness, re-birth,  and new life. That on the other side there is peace, hope love and laughter once again. For this Crazy red haired lady and the beautiful, and wonderful children that I am so completely blessed with.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Crazy Letters..

Dear Pete,
 Why did you leave me here? I know, I have told you over and over again that I understand  that you had to go, and I understand that your body wore out. But on the flip side.  I can't understand it. So I ask again. Why did you leave me here? You broke my heart. No, I mean really broke it. You reached in and ripped it out of my chest. Stomped on it and then gave it back. Now I am left here on this plane to carry it around. Its' heavy and it hurts And it often bleeds for no reason. You ruined me. I can't love anyone. I feel incapable of love. . And I can't let anyone love me!! You set the bar so Damn high that no one, can ever be you. I want to take a knife and physically cut it out of my body. To reach in and pull out this horrid awful pain. It's like a a ball of utter and complete hurt, that no one can understand. Unless they have lost a spouse.  There is no amount of covering it up. There is no amount of stuffing it away. It chokes me.,I'ts like someone is constantly pummeling me in the stomach and I have gotten so used to it that I have become numb to it. I can't eat. Sleeping feels pointless. I just chase you around all night looking for you in my dreams and I never find you. Why did you leave me here?
  I am raising our kids. Your kids. You said Forever. Where is my forever? I hate myself. I hate this life. I hate it all. I want to scream so Loud that the earth shakes. I needed you!!! I have three children. 3. and One lonely me!! I hate you for leaving me here. Dead is dead. You are gone. and I am here and we are here. My children have no father. None!! And no one will ever be able to be what you were to them. There isn't a being out there who could love them the way you did. Do you hurt too? Do you cry too? Do you hate that you are there and I am here? Tell me, damn you!!
  What am I supposed to do now. Date? fall in love? For what? I had it all. The house, the kids, the wonderful and adoring husband. and Now I have the house, the kids and no one to share it with. The constant doing it alone. I am always a mom. Always!!! So many people say that is the best thing in the whole world. They are right but it is the hardest thing in the whole world and to do it without my soul mate well just shoot me.
Do you hear me? Every single detail of out life together is so clear. Every fight, every kiss, and every moment that I prayed for you to live and then watched you die. Every thing. and I am just supposed to figure it out. To keep going? to find love again? Have you lost your ever loving mind? You, are supposed to be here with me. By my side, to hold my hand to help with the kids, to teach Petey to be a man. To hold your baby boy in your arms. To love your daughter and have her want to marry you when she gets big. All those things that Daddy's are supposed to do with their kids. And what about all those things that Husbands do with their wives. To hold me, love me.,be with me. Where is that? Gone.
   I loved you more than breath. My whole world was you and our kids and the life we were making for ourselves. You ruined me. You broke my heart. You kicked me in the gut and left me to bleed. How do you feel now?  There is nothing left.
   I keep going, and I keep waking up every morning and I keep pasting on a smile and yelling to myself "today is better. Today i will let someone love me. Today I will let someone in. Today I will accept me and this new life." And I can tell myself that and I can tell everyone else that. But no one knows the truth. I don't even let myself know the truth.  You left me here to figure it all out. Thanks. and WTF.
  You said Forever? I know we weren't perfect. But we were pretty damn close. I don't know Roo, I hope you are happy where you are. I hope you feel whole and light filled. I hate the mess you left. But, I love you enough to let you go. Damn you I let you go... This is not how it was supposed to Go!
Dear God,
 GOD why did you take him from me!!! Why did you do it? IF everything is a lesson then get on with it.
  Please, Please, just take the pain away. The sick, empty, disease of loss and yuck that is so indescribable. Bring me someone to love me like he did. To love my kids. You took the best. So give me second best.  I have hit a new kind of rock bottom,. I don't like it here. Can you die from hurting too much? I don't know how to be any other way. My intensity on life, my intensity on love and in love. Pete could always handle it. It wasn't too much for him. I am who I am. But You took the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. Without him I wouldn't have the amazing children that I have. Together Pete and I were a team. In life, in love, in raising kids. Now there is no team. It's just me. and I fear so often that is not enough. I want more. But how? You did this, so fix it. Show me the light? Show me the love? Show me that I am not too much to take on. Help me see the woman that Pete loved so much. It's been almost 15 months. The longest, nightmare of my life.
 So.. now what? I don't know. Will the bleeding one day cease altogether? I don't know. Will the beatings ever stop? I hope so. For now, I guess I will write my letters in hopes that someone will hear me. That being strangled and choked will no longer take place. That the magic in me will spark again. That love and happiness will spill out of my house and hearts of my children and I. That I will remember to accept love and be loved. In whatever form that may be.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Just Crazy...

I have fallen on the ice too many time. This last fall was probably the worst one. I was carrying Chase Leo in the car seat and Petey and Aryanna were walking in front of me. We were headed to the car to take Aryanna to dance. One minute I was standing and the next I wasn't. Chase Leo in his car seat was fine but me I am sore. Really sore. On the way down The carseat hit the inside of my arm, then I hit my chin on the handle of the carseat and finally landed on my hip. Needless to say my body and hip really, really hurt.
  As I sit here tonight on this couch thinking how badly my hip hurts, I also realize how much I hurt on the inside. I miss him. If he were here now he could rub my hip and make it feel better. He could help carry the baby to and from the car so I wouldn't have to. So many things that I need help with or want help with would be so much easier if he was just here.
  The kids and I had group tonight. It was tonight that I realized that I had been coming there since Chase Leo was only two weeks old. Goodness, how time goes by..and yet how it doesn't.  Lately I feel like the days and hours just crawl by. I have so much anxiety it seems impossible to breathe.
  I guess tonight feels more melancholy than say any other night. Right now I feel that maybe I pushed to hard. That I wanted too much and my expectations failed me. Usually I consider myself to be a good judge of character but now I am second guessing. The question remains then, What did I learn? I guess don't do things the old way. Somethings really are just on the surface. That not everybody wants to be read like a book.  I realized that I do really love beautiful words and didn't realize how much I had missed them. However there seems to be lots of backtracking going on and I don't know what to believe. Is it me? Is it them? Was it too much ? Was I too much?  The intensity of who I am and who I have always been still lies inside of me. Apparently I went in with more than just my heart on my sleeve. Did I care too much? Maybe. But then Why does that always have to be a bad thing. To inspire, to lift up. Two different paths and yet ours crossed at the right bump in the road.
  So now what? Go on, keep going on. Even though for now I feel that I took a ride on the wild side. I got burned, but not scorched. It's all part of the learning process. Someone recently told me that they usually try not to let emotions get in the way. That one must always be logical. I thought Why? What's wrong with doing it both ways. Can't you be logical and think with your heart. Your core. If one is only logical all the time then how do you know how it will sit in your body. It's your core that tells you the truth. They said that every time they thought with their heart instead of they're logic they got burned. I said then how do you know it's worth getting burned?  Did logic tell you that it was worth it?
  The good news, I learned some things about myself. Some things about "Kathryn" that I thought were long gone. Things that I miss, things that I will always do and be. I gained confidence, knowledge and truth. To trust in me. To believe in myself. That on this journey I will still get burned, But not crushed. That I am worth it. And that I am still one Crazy Lady.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Split Personalities of a Crazy Lady...

I hate movies. I used to love movie. But now, not so much. I just watched "The Proposal" on TV. Usually I try to avoid that movie. Not because I don't like it. Because it was one of the movies I watched while Pete was in the hospital. I remember I rented that movie. along with "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" and "Mall Cop". Thinking he would like to watch them while he was home sick. He did get to watch the Ghosts from Girlfriends Past but not the others.  I remember my younger sister came over to sit with me. I don't know where the kids were. But She sat in the chair and I sat on the couch and we watched it. The sun was shining through the window and I think I was wearing a red sweater. I remember asking something about "I wonder whats going on at the hospital"...Funny the things you remember and the things you don't.
  But back to what I was saying, Movies. They aren't real. I mean seriously Do you think Hollywood would make a movie about my life? or other people like me? I figured out some of whats been plaguing me while watching "The proposal". Sandra Bullock's character  is talking about how she has been on her own since she was 16 and forgot what it felt like to have family that cares about her. quoting things about what "family" does. Visit you on the holidays  and such. It was after she said that, that I thought," you know? it's the same thing with trying to "date"again". Let's be honest here. I don't want to "date" I want something real.  The problem is that I figured out what I miss.. It's not just the lonely. Or being the only one. Its missing that intimate part of having someone to lean on. To just curl up next to him on the couch and watch football. While the kids played whatever. Knowing that I could just lie my head on his chest and it be the most common gesture.  To reach out and touch him. And feel my hand squeezed. I reach out now and there is nothing, but air.
  Say for example I find someone that I like, and want to get to know. Then what? Pass a few emails back and forth meet up go see a movie, grab a cup of coffee and hang out. However all of those things require a sitter. When I go home, I am back to reality. It's like Playing "boyfriend" When I am at home with the kids this is life.
Say "friend" wants to meet the kids and get to know them. What now? Its not "Playing House" It's "So you like me well enough that you want to get to know me more.." However I don't want to play house., I don't want to pretend. Cause the girl that is with you without kids is a little different than the girl with the kids.  Then there comes all the questions. Like "OK I have opened myself up and put myself out there." and? Is my heart going to get broken? More so than it is now? Can I really see myself sitting down and talking with this person about my hopes and dreams and deepest fears? Telling another person things that only Pete knew.  I know, It's not like that when you are just "friends" or just "dating" However I have never been the type who ever does anything half way. If I am going to get to know someone. Then lets get to know them. I am not saying I am ready to just be foot loose and fancy free. Jumping in head first with the first person who calls me "beautiful"  But How do I protect my heart and let someone in? If I let them in a little or a lot there is always going to be 3 little kids at home. These thoughts come and haunt me. Bringing tears to my eyes and making me feel like. I don't want to. I don't want to pretend. If I am going to let someone in, then I feel like It's letting go of Pete. He gets foggier. Like a distant memory. Someone I once knew. But still wanting that life back.
   Is anyone stable? So many people say they want a Stable relationship. And I think " I had that once." Can I be so lucky to have it again? I know I have talked about in the past being so lonely that my heart might drop out of my body altogether. But It's not so much the lonely but its' also learning to care. Learning to wait. Learning to go on, even when I don't want to at times.  14 months is a long time and it isn't, but its a long enough time to feel that doing it on my own is better. And maybe that my sharing the load or learning to be Kathryn, Mommy, and a widow. All at the same time. Not that "Widow defines me" But in some ways it does. I will never be the same. And the person that I am with one "friend" feels different that who I am right now. I really am crazy. It's split personalities. How do I learn to put the two together? Kathryn and Mommy.
  Does this show that I am not ready to "date"?  I don't know. Maybe, just another way of processing it all. The one thing that I have felt through passing emails and conversation. Is that I am alive. Something I think I never realized I had lost touch with. A girl friend of mine and I were talking over lunch the other day. And I started to cry because I felt like "Who would want to take this on? Look at us?"  She told me that I was not unlovable. I didn't realize I thought that. But maybe I do/did. I told her it seems like too much. she said. "If Pete was alive, would it be too much?" and I said "no" she said "Someone will want to get to know you and know that the kids are part of you. And want to be with them too. To share in their joy, and love them because that person loves you!! Remember how much Pete loved you, You are young and beautiful and smart, you have a lot to offer.  You will find love again. I know it won't be the same. It could never be what you and Pete had. But it's not too much for someone, and it's not too complicated."  All of these things that she told me I take to heart. Not only are they beautiful, but I needed to hear those things. Recently I feel that maybe I have lived my life. That at 32 I had lived all that I could. I had dated, I found the one I wanted to spend forever with. Married had 3 beautiful children but that now in this light My life was over and that all that remained was a Mommy and not a Kathryn. After hearing her words. I realized I wanted both. To find Kathryn and Mommy and put them together.  I guess though in this moment I feel lost. I know what my responsibilities are, I know that I am needed. But I also had forgotten what it was like to be worried about. I forgot what it felt like to have someone want to know what I thought about something. Not that I don't have friends who ask me these things. But it's different on a more personal level. It's different coming from a "friend" another "man"
   The movie hit it on the head. I forgot these things. It makes me sad. And wish that I was married. Wish that I didn't have to go through this who process. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have. But now Its wanting to protect it, guard it. Be wary of who I let in. What if they see my heart for what it really is and don't like it? Then what? In that case I would have let someone in to a very fragile part of me, For nothing? I know that is how it is in life,in love. It's complicated, it's hard, and it's crazy. For now, I am missing a piece of my soul. I am trying to put it back together. I wonder what that looks like. I guess it's just a balance. Like trying to figure out who is "Kathryn" and who is "Mommy" and how do I put them together?  To feel alive, to be alive. Not only for me, but for the kids..and possibly for Pete too...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Tug of war..for the Crazy.

I need to do something about this not sleeping thing. I am just getting to worn out. It doesn't help that A and P like to sleep with me. So just as soon as I seem to be really asleep. They come in one at a time. Last night I finally got up and went to the couch. I know how is that fair. They get the nice bed and I get the couch. A friend of mine suggested some sort of sticker chart. So they get a sticker for the days they stay in their bed all night. And then get some sort of prize for doing it so many days in a row. So I will try this.And see how it goes.
  I don't know if it is the time of year or just where I am in my grief process.  but this whole moving forward thing sometimes feels just as hard as standing still. It's like a constant tug of war on the inside. I mean if I am thinking rationally I know that Pete wouldn't want me to feel this pain forever but at the same time. As I try to realize how to "live" and figure out what that looks like.. I feel that I am leaving a part of him behind.  It's scary. But then it's scary to stay here in this place as well. Feeling that same " how do I go on without him?" and Yet knowing that I have to, in order to survive. To live, really live. The questions of not wanting to be alone forever, and yet missing him.  And if there is someone else for me, then what does that look like. I mean it's not like my story is your average story. Sometimes it feels so complicated that I feel "who would want to take this on?" They would have to be as crazy as me! :)  It's these types of questions that pull on me and wonder what the future holds.
  There seems to be so many changes going on around me. Even just simple things like.. they are putting in a new stoplight at the end of my street. Wishing I could call him up and say.. Can you believe it? Or this insane weather that we are having. The ice is so thick. My sisters kids are going outside to skate in the street. Wishing I could see him laugh at something like that.  How Aryanna and Petey have changed so much since he last saw them.
  My birthday was a week ago. I turned 32. Yet another milestone without him. I had a very emotional weekend. Crying a lot, and feeling the pull of his loss and the pull of what the future holds. I talked to a friend that seemed overly worried about my tears.. my only reply was " it is what it is."  I can't stop the years from coming. I can't stop time. I can't reverse it. And why would I want to. The days, nights, weeks, months keep coming. No matter how often I wish that I was out of this hell. The more I seem to dig my feet in. I want to move forward. I want to be happy again.. But I don't want to be without him. I want to feel loved and respected, but I don't want to dishonor Pete in some way. But then there is that same thing that stares me in the face everyday. Pete is not physically here. I am. No amount of wishing him here, bargaining and yelling at him for leaving me here. Even though I know he didn't have a choice. Still all of that is not going to bring that Pete that I knew back. Yet the question remains "How can that be?" I know,  Spiritually he is here. However he cannot physically hold my hand.  How do I move forward and bring him with me? Always feeling him by my side, and now not as much. I still feel him but not with the same intensity. And what does that mean? What does that say about him? About me? About Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo?  Are we all moving forward but in separate ways? For me it comes back to the constant reminder that I am alive. Even though I have felt dead and numb on the inside. That my heart, my life, my entire being died right along with him.
   Here I sit Contemplating the future. Trying so desperately  to live, and let the light in. It's been 14 months since I have seen his face, held his hand. I can't stand still. I can't live in the past. I have to live in the now. For me, for the kids. For our future. I never thought I could see anything but this blackness. Not that I don't still see it. However I do see a crack of light. In some ways it's a high. I love how the light feels on my heart, how light it is, and the warmth of it. But that light still feels so far away. With anything there is fear. I am not saying that Pete is the blackness. Blackness is what he left behind. The pushing forward. The feeling of progress. To see my children smile again. really smile. To laugh is more than just surviving, it's living. This journey that we are on is a hard one. But I am trying to learn to take those cracks of light and bring them into my soul. Bring them into my children's soul as well.  With those cracks of light, comes hope. With hope, comes a feeling of being whole and maybe not so bruised and battered. I know the tug of war will continue. My hope is that I can find the positive, the light, in a way that Pete would be proud of.  Wanting him with me, physically beside me. And yet knowing I can't have that.
  So, now I look to the future. The unseen, Future. Feeling the need to hold onto Pete with such fierceness. And knowing that I have to let go a little in order to bring in more light. I know he wouldn't want me to stay in the dark, black, empty forever. I just never pictured my life without him. I could never see it after he passed, but maybe with a little Faith.. I catch a glimpse. Of what he would want for us. Of what we want for him, And what the present, and now the future holds for all of us.