Saturday, November 27, 2010

Riding the Crazy train..

Crazy, off her rocker, insane, loco, whatever you want to refer to it but crazy is how I feel. Don't have a better way to say it. I'ts like I was riding the crazy train full speed ahead. Then somewhere in there it seemed to slow down and I thought " Hey this new type of crazy is OK" now I feel that I back up to full speed ahead. Wonderful!
  For example who knew that painting one's bathroom could cause a sense of anxiety. It's just paint right? While I painting the trim I had a sudden thought come to me. " I wonder if Pete would like the color, that I chose?" Really? I surprised myself is all. Here I had been so excited to get the paint and picked out a new shower curtain, new shower curtain rings and even new towels. Some new hardware for the drawers and such. And I was now thinking "what would Pete think." Well really, Did I care? I thought I was changing the bathroom for me. Something  into a place of serenity. One place in the house where  I could be relaxed. And yet who knew that a bathroom could be so personal. I remember after Pete passed, my Mom got me some new towels and granted they were nice new towels. But my first thought was how could she. I don't need any towels, why would she do that? Then she got all bent out of shape because I didn't like them. My only thought at that moment was "I really don't need new towels I have some. And finally I told her. "These towels I had with Pete. He used these towels These Purple towels that he came home and after wrestling or getting ready for work these towels he used to dry himself off with after getting out of the shower. I don't want new towels, I want these towels!!
  Yet, now here I am a year later buying new towels and not wanting something that he used. I want something that is just mine. A towel? It's cotten. But I guess in this crazy life I need something that is just mine. A new towel, a new shower curtain, and new paint. That I like. that relaxes me. That I didn't share with him. Crazy? odd? Maybe both, maybe not. So I guess weather he would like it or not should it matter? Silly, but, I don't know. I would hope that he would like it, because he would know how much I like it. And usually he liked things that I liked. But he's not here and I am so.. whats a little paint and some new towels.  Just one little space in this little house that is mine. Where the kids don't go.  This bathroom feels different that say the rest of the house. I have new floors, the walls were painted last year right after he passed. I think in order to clean it up and get ready for the baby. And all the while I kept thinking would Pete have liked this color? Is this what he would have wanted? What would Pete do? I was constantly trying to please him even though he wasn't there. I was so raw and scared. scared b/c I didn't want to have Chase Leo without him and all the questions and the yelling inside my brain and body saying "You are supposed to be here!!"  The thing that I would tell myself with the decor was that I knew, I knew what he would have liked. We had talked about it. And all the things he had hoped for. Ti was those people that must have known too. My family and friends who came in and helped paint. and move furniture. Get out the clothes that needed to be moved in order to get ready for Chase Leo's arrival. And me who at times sat and watched it all happen. And at other times said. " I don't want to move this cabinet, or this work station, but I know it needs to be moved if we are going to have space for the baby's bed. Now as I sit here looking at all the paint and the decor, I don't think I could have gone forward the way I did, and had a baby if it had looked exactly the same.
  So maybe thats what it is now. I have new floors b/c one the carpet was falling apart. But also, I needed, and maybe the kids too another way to keep moving forward. So new paint in the bathroom. Soon to be my new haven. weather I will get to spend much time in there with three small children is unknown. But I will know that there is one small space in this new and old house for me.  The memories are all still here. But the new beginnings are creeping in, and the new memories, embrace the old ones.  So where will the old purple towels go, probably nowhere. They will still hang out in the linen closet for now. So that I know they are there. But the old shower curtain, the old paint and the old decor are gone. But in it's place is something truly spectacular and maybe just a little bit crazy.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

" The I don't knows, and The Crazy's!"

All of these random and crazy thoughts that keep swirling around and around. That, tonight and today have caused lots of anxiety and at times to sky rocket into complete moments of panic.  Feelings of "how did I do this before?" and " How do I get back to that?" Yet another process of grief. Today marks the one year of Pete's funeral. Why today seems harder, than say Sunday marking the one year of his passing. I guess because I had family in town and we were busy with doing fun things instead of focusing on the insane of the past year. However, on Sunday I can remember having these moments or thoughts. Like, looking at the time and realizing that this time last year he was "getting ready" and then remembering sitting in the garden under blankets. Looking up at the sky as twilight approached and watching the all white airplanes fly over me. Or then feeling the chill in the air and realizing that now it was dark and I was relocated back into my past to deciding that it was time to "let him go".
 and finally the most random and crazy thought of all. I was standing in my dad's garage listening to him talk about firewood and I was hold Chase Leo and the thought popped into my head "he's dead now". Talk about a moment where I felt I would just jump right out of my body. I just thought "abort mission!"
   Still I have had those thoughts today. Trying to reach back in my memory and think about things like "how did I get dressed?" And "What time was the service?" Things that I wonder "How did I sit through that service and listen to that?" I do remember that Chase Leo kicked throughout the entire service. And that I kept my head down the whole time. As if not to look around thinking that I wasn't really there.  I did think about going to the cemetary today and then thought against it. I said to myself "Why would you do that? Whats the point in repeating history?" Plus I still have yet to see the headstone actually finished. and Seriously, Why would I do that to myself? I know so many people find the cemetery to be so comforting. To me it just feels final. And he's not there. Why go?
   It's strange how in some ways I think that the days would be easier past this. Well easier isn't the right word. I guess it's that last year all the memories I had were of the year before and the things we did when he was alive. But now that it has been a year without him not being alive. There won't be those memories to haunt me in the same way. I guess when I think of last thanksgiving, and how horrid it was.  I know that I want this one to be totally different. Last year I wore a big red sweater trying to cover my big pregnant belly. I really don't remember much of that day other than sitting by the fireplace in that big sweater in a red chair and just crying and looking around at everyone standing around me with their red rimmed eyes looking at me. I remember that I had my aunts and uncles there and my sisters just made an arc around me so that I would feel protected by them and I could cry and no one could see me directly. I don't want to do that again. Even now as I sit here thats all I can remember. I don't remember what the kids did. I don't remember eating. I don't think that I did. I don't even remember leaving and going home.
   I guess this year will be full of the "I don't want to to that again." My wanting to strive to do something completely different. For fear of having anything that is remotely like that and having to feel those feelings. NO, I don't want that. The complete, and utter helplessness. And I don't want A and P to feel that either. I know though there will be moments of those feelings. But thankfully I can realize that they will be brief and not constant. So my plan for Turkey day, To maybe get a horse ride in. If it's not crazy cold. I got a new game called Apples to Apples and my thought is that I am definitely dragging people into a game of that. There will be no sitting around and looking at me like an exhibit at the zoo.
   I suppose these last few days feel like finishing out the year. The end of the first year of grief. The end of the first year without him. Not that the grief is over. But We did it! We lived, all four of us. The kids and I may not remember a lot of it. Thank Goodness. But we lived. We survived. Now, my hope for this year is to start new. Pictures and questions of what this year will be like. It will be crazy, but their will also be some light. Not complete darkness and feelings of never finding our way out. I feel that by surviving this year, I can now in some ways come to a close. All those feelings and panic at the beginning of "how are we going to do this?" "How are we going to survive?" and the "I can't do this with out him." have shown me that Yes, I can do this with out him. I don't want to. But I have and I will. And We did survive with lots of help, love, guidance, and Faith. And we will survive. So what does this year hold for us? I don't know. But I know, that it will still be full of craziness and grief, but, most importantly Healing and Love.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Crazy, Angry, and Fed Up!!!

Enough!!! I have had it. With it all. It's not just the grief it's my kids too. The tantrums, the crying, the whining, the spitting up. The hitting. the not listening, the talking back. Our bed time routine is exactly the same every night. and Yet Petey is still surprised when I tell him that he has to be patient and wait while I feed Chase Leo before he can get anything to drink. Because I don't want him to have too much liquid right before bed. I don't want to be up at 2am changing his sheets.  And believe me I have tried the whole lets have a drink before bed.. It still ends up blowing up in my face. Because once the prayers have been said and the kisses and the hugs and the giggles, and the music has been put on , he still gets out of bed and asks for Apple juice. Seriouly!! He just brushed his teeth!.  Then I am sitting in his room feeding Chase Leo his bottle, trying to get him to settle down and relax., Petey yells MOMMY, I want some apple juice.  I say to him "Petey do you see that I am feeding your brother? You are going to have to wait." Tonight it just feels like I might spontaneously com-bust. I guess you would say that I am having my tantrum in this post.
   I have heard that whole thing about grief is up and down like a roller coaster. (i.e."crazy roller-coasters)  Yes I am well aware. But No one takes into consideration small children and their grief, plus your grief. Then what? . And when you have a crabby, angry, frustrating day so do they. Therefore their grief and their crazy and all the constant "Mommy i need some chicken, mommy I want some yogurt, mommy I don't want to eat this. Mommy it's too cold, Mommy it's too hot". And on top of that, a baby who is teething and crawling all over the place.  Of course  while all this crazy is going on and I am trying to get everything done for everyone, I forget and trip over the baby!  It just feels like, enough!!
    No more. I am done doing it all by myself all the time. There is no one to come home at the bewitching hour and take over after I have had the worlds worst headache all day. No one to come and rub your back and tell me,  its ok. No one to take the kids out to play while I go and have a shower. Because ;lets face it when was the last time I had a shower. hmmm I can't remember. If I do it in the morning the baby screams through out  the whole thing. if I do it at night I fall asleep in the shower because I am so damn tired. (People I do take showers, I am just saying it's not an every day occurrence) . However it's all those little things that I took for granted before and now I really, really want them back. It's these times when every one is mad and I want to shout out loud. " Where are you now Roo?"
  Petey is now getting into his aggression as well. Thats a good time! What do you do with a little boy who is so angry that his daddy is in heaven!! Petey is usually a very gentle spirit but not lately. He is hitting the baby, hitting his sister,  and even hitting me. Talking back, and not giving a shit about the consequences.  He is so off kilter that I feel I don't know how to relate to him. He is crazy hyper and needs lots of stimulation. I know that is part of being a boy but when you add in the crazy aggression then it's just pure insanity. Today he spent most of the day in his room. Since he was so worn out from being in trouble all day he fell asleep at 5pm. It is now 10pm and he is here on the couch next to me talking to himself. Touching me. Do I want to be touched right now. NO, I don't. Someone has been sitting on me, climbing on me, spitting up on me, hitting me, pulling off my shirt , using me as a chew toy, and pulling up on me all day long. I am over stimulated. I know this may sound heartless and that I don't love my kids I just want.... I don't even know what I want. ( I know Shocker)
   The Fed up part comes in because we can be doing fine and then bee in someones bonnet and all hell breaks loose. The kids and I were playing in Aryanna's room just dancing and then Petey goes over to the baby and smacks his belly. And it's like Really?!  You would think that after spending all day in and out of his room for hitting he would stop it by now. I know again BOY! But still. Where is Pete to come marching in and tell Petey to stop. Where? OH right, I know where he is. He's  in heaven. Thanks.
  I keep thinking that this has got to be a movie. Especially with all the weird, creepy, bloody, and crazy things they come up with these days. Sometimes I do feel like I am just watching all of this shaking my head going is this my life? Like Ghost of Christmas past. or in my situation. present.  I am not saying that other people have not had to deal with the kind of heartbreak that I am dealing with. I know from going to Brookes place that they got through it. It's the getting through it part. Today it feels that my Anger and frustration are making me feel like  I am walking through sludge. I want the director to shout ok "Cut" cause really lets cut it out already. I miss him.. I know if I was thinking realistically, and other mothers struggle with these same types of things. Other stay at home moms who are always taking care of the kids. And I know their are Dads/husbands out there who don't come home and take over. Who still expect us to do it all. The different between them and me is that their spouse comes home. It's another Parent, another set of eyes, and maybe another set of hands.  I feel old, worn out, and tired. I am only 31 years old.
  I try to look at the big picture. It's these moments when I have a tantrum that I think, Wait, wait, back up. It's not so bad. Mothers who stay at home whose husbands travel all the time have to deal with these types of things. There are people all over the world who have lots of hard things that they are dealing with. If I look at my little life in this great big world it could be worse. However the pain is what feels so hard. The loneliness the heartache, the fear, the anxiety, the depression, and the missing him. Sometimes I think if he saw me now would he recognize me? I am not the same anymore.  To be honest I am tired of what I see in the mirror.
   I do realize the kids and I smile again. We laugh. And we love each other so much.. And we loved Pete so much. Am I mad at Pete? Sometimes. Mad at God? No not really. Whats the point really? Thats why it feels so crazy.. Why bother being angry? It doesn't serve a real purpose. I just upset my kids and myself in the process. It's the guilt and the remorse. And yet the crazy because I can still feel all these things and sorry for getting so mad at them and then a split second later it's like the tornado has blown through again. At the beginning of this post I was HOT. Now just tired and worn out.
    Back to my movie Who would play me? And what would happen in the end? If it's a movie and I can have it however I want. Then I choose For Pete to come back, But this time in a much healthier body. He will  burst through the door, shouting "it was all just a big misunderstanding, I am here now." And we would all run and meet him. He would hug us all. And right before I give him a kiss, I would punch him and say ," Thats for breaking my heart, but I never lost faith in you". Then we would kiss and the cheesy music would come on. Then fade to the credits.
     For now, we take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day. ( Thank Goodness)  Even though today was an irritable, and irrational, fed up kind of day. I know its just another step in the right direction. Through the grief and into the joy. As I look into the faces of Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo, I see my future. That we are all on this journey for a purpose. We don't know why, or for what that purpose is. We just have to have faith in one crazy day at a time.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Crazy Outbursts and other Realizations..

I do get tired of being crazy. And just when I think I may have hit a good point not to be so insane, I do something irrational and my grief gets the best of me. Yelling and running around the house mad at my son for dumping the worlds largest amount of water in the bathroom and then looking at me to clean it up. I give him the towel and make him do it. Where he decides that No, he is in fact not going to do it. Something in me snaps and all hell breaks loose. Where I pick up Petey hand him the towel close him in the bathroom and telling him with a few choice words that he is not to come out until the floor is dry. I then pickup the baby who also has been crying ( for who knows why) and go into my room to close the door and have a time out for being the insane and crazy mom that I feel that I am at that moment. Yet, lo and behold Mommy's door is closed but that apparently means nothing to two kids. So Petey comes barging in saying that he has finished cleaning up his mess followed by his sister waving a toothbrush that she got her's and Petey's toothbrush ready. It makes me want to yell "Damnit, I can't even have my own time out!!"
  These moments are the ones that make me so angry and want to scream and yell at Pete. Becuase usually what happens is that I have my tantrum spend a brief moment by myself and then end up on the floor sobbing. Aryanna stars to cry and then Petey. So there we sit on the floor in the kitchen with Aryanna on one side of me crying and Petey on the other side of me crying and chase Leo in the middle ripping orr my glasses. All crying that "we miss daddy" Then the guilt sets in. And tonight between tears, I just said "I am sorry you miss Daddy, I can't do anything to bring him back."
 Thats the kicker. I can't do anything. There is nothing to do. I was then later standing at the  sink washing bottles (surprise) thinking this isn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to live happily ever after. Not this. Not constantly being over worked, over tired, worn out. and being a mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no breaks. When the kids went to brush their teeth, I still sat there on the floor with Chase Leo and I was like "who comforts me? No one. Because the person I want to comfort me is not longer here and no one else will do. Sure a nice hug when I am so sad. But I can't call them and say "Hey could you come over, I know you are most likely in for the night and prob have your Pj's one and are snuggled up with your hubby, But I really need a hug." Thats just not something I feel that I could ask of someone and besides why would I want to. Because again in the end all I want is Pete.
  For some reason I feel his absence so strongly right now. Many things could play into that factor. But the main big one I am guessing is that the One year is a week from this Sunday. which seems odd because in my mind I have already hit the 1 year mark. I hit it on Oct26 when he went into the hospital. Why do it again. I know the 21st is the official day that hell began but really Why do that to myself?
 One of the things that Petey said while we were all sitting on the floor crying was that Chase Leo misses Daddy too. and I thought. "well Chase Leo never knew Daddy." Even though I know that he met him and new him on a spiritual level. It's that Pete never physically held him in his hands. And this makes me angry! It's that back to being angry. here I am moving along. got new floors a new foundation a new beginning. But also some very new realizations. Things like the fact that my heart will always belong to Pete. I have these random thoughts like "Well I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but.." But what?  Or weird things like thinking I should change my name to something else. Because I don't feel like my maiden name anymore and I don't feel like my current name now. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. without him I don't fit. I don't want a different name than my kids. But I am not a Mrs. anymore. This may seem like a weird concept to someone. Maybe the only people that can understand this is other widows. I have been trying  so hard to figure out who I am in my mind, and who the kids and I are now. What does this family look like? What does this little family do for the holidays? What is going to be our traditions this year? Because we cannot do anything the same! That life traditions, is over.
  Today just must have been my day to break. Lots of change this week. New floors. It's like moving but still having all the memories and yet everything looks different. I mean isn't that what I wanted? yes it is. But it's the putting everything back that makes it hurt so much. I mean Why put the clothes back, the pictures all that stuff that sometimes and used to feel so comforting. Now just feel like I am being strangled with the fact and realization that it will Never be the same again. That man who wore those clothes and the shirts and drew those pictures, is not coming back to wear his clothes and shoes. I took the shirts down out of the closets. His work shirts and favorite things to wear. They don't smell like him anymore. I remember I took down each shirt and smelled each one just to be sure that yes, they really didn't smell like him. I put them in a box at the back of my closet. So in case I get some Bee in my bonnet that I have to, know and put my hands on a particular shirt I can just go to that box and it will be there.  So much healing and still at times so raw and empty.
  It's hard being on empty. I guess that is where I landed today on empty. I know tomorrow is a new day. But for right now. I feel very alone, lost and empty. When empty happens then Anxiety comes in and fills up that black hole. and I feel that I loose my grip. and it's easy to slip into complete emptiness. However, I don't feel that serves me any purpose. So for the moments when Empty comes around. I allows myself to feel it. If I push it away it just keeps coming back, and then bringing more anxiety with it to fill up the even bigger hole.
     Its in these moments that I know I don't want to do that. Been there, done that and didn't like it. But to look at your sweet 5 year old daughters face and see two huge tear drops running down her face because she misses her daddy so much. It makes me want to drown in that abyss. It breaks me heart. And I can't do anything to fix it. Again I can't do anything. Hold them while they cry. Two weeks ago Petey finally borke down and I held him in the rocking chair while he sobbed over missing Daddy, how he wants him to come back and make him a Chocolate Birhtday cake. so we rocked and we cryied together. What else could I do? Nothing. Pray. I prayed a lot. I asked for all that is divne to come and surround us in love and peace. Soon after that he fell asleep.
  I think its those random memories that sneak in and catch me off guard. Like on a cold and rainy cloudy day we would all get on the couch or on the bed and watch a movie and fall asleep.  For Pete and I to look at each other and secretly laugh on the inside at how funny our kids are. Or it's that feeling that I had today at some point that no one really knew me, or "got me" like he did. I miss him. For me he was home. Not that A, and P and CL aren't but he understood me Crazy and all. For now all of these questions, and emptiness. The crazy outbursts and figuring out who we are is part of the whole process. For me I am always surprised when it creeps in again. As it to say "Seriously, I thought we had found some peace with some of these." And then it always comes down to that same old song and dance. I miss him. I want him here with the kids and I. To scary to look forward and too scary to look back. It's that renumbering to stay in this moment. Again just one crazy minute, one crazy moment at a time.
   Some song lyrics that remind me of him and how I wish he could just come home and say these things to me. Because Pete was my home...

Another Summer day has come and gone away In Paris and Rome
But I want to go home
Maybe surrounded by a million People I still feel all alone
I just wanna go home.
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letter that I wrote to you each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
Another Aeroplane, another sunny place I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home mmm..I've got to go home
Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home.
And I feel just like I am living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside When everything was going right.
And I know just why you could not come along with me
Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me.
Another winter day has come and gone away In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home, Let me go home
I am surrounded by a million people and I still feel all alone
let me go home. I've had my run. Baby, I'm done. I've got to go home
It will all be alright, I'll be home tonight.
I'm coming back home.
~ Home, By Michael Buble'

Friday, November 5, 2010

Crazy "New Questions"..

Alas, I have missed writing. I feel that my brain is full of too many things. I am having some repairs done on/to my house. Therefore I have not been able to write much. So many times I have thought or had experiences where I wanted to write but couldn't. Time and writing just didn't match up.  The interesting thing about home repairs, is that even though it needs to be done, it also brings up new questions and how much I don't know about fixing things. Pete did it. Something went wrong, Pete knew how to fix it. Didn't matter what it was, he figured out a way to fix it or install a new one. It seems that lots of things have needed replacing lately. I hear however from a home owners perspective that once your house gets to be about 10-12 years old things start needing repair. My sink in my Kitchen has needed new parts on it now 3 times. I finally broke down and bought a new one. My wonderful neighbor kept helping me out by replacing the same hose over and over again. And every time it broke I thought "Well Roo, now what?" So I would call up my neighbor and say, "So you know that sink you fixed a month or so ago, can you come and look at it again?" I feel Like I need to get that book "Plumbing for Dummies" I sure they have one. That way I wouldn't need to bug my neighbor all the time with the things that break in my house. Although I was pretty proud of myself because i got down my own tarp off of my outside patio cover thing. I know it's not called that but being a not so technical person I can't remember what those things are called.
   I am really looking forward to having new floors in my house and yet I do question or ask myself things like " Well, would Pete like it." And then I think " Hello, Crazy Lady, Pete isn't living in this house you and the kids are." He may not physically be living in it but his spirit is here. It feels like a constant tug of war with myself and emotions. The new floor feel like new beginnings under my feet. It will look like a new house. Yet the memories remain. I can't afford to move and I don't want to. I love my neighbors and the house. But  for me when there is change involved I get hung up on moving forward and feel like things are spinning out of control again.  I have to move things around, go through things and stay at other peoples houses, even the cats have to stay somewhere else. I can remember how much before Pete passed I didn't like being in my house. I felt trapped here. I think it was because I didn't feel like in some ways it was mine. It was Pete's. He was the breadwinner after all. Not that he ever made me feel that way. I just looked to him for the way to do things. I wasn't much of a leader I was more of a follower. I was just waiting for him. When I think now, he was waiting for me.  I feel now,  unfortunately I would rather be here in the house in this space than away from it. that now I am the leader and not a follower anymore. Granted there are still lots of things and situations that I find myself in and think, Oh My gosh I don't know what to say I don't know how to handle this. Like for example I didn't know who I was supposed to pay for the extra tile. I had asked if they could extend the tile in my bathroom out into the vanity area and when it came time to pay I was like ,"Do I pay the man who put the tile in, or go through the company. The man who put the tile in said "it;s up to you how you want to do it." I kept ho- humming around. I am sure the man thought I was more than crazy. I finally just said to the guy. "I really don't know how to handle this." Finally it came to me, that I had to decide. I did, not the man, not the contractor, Me. There was no one to ask. So I talked with the man about his beautiful work that he did  and asked him " How much was the price of the supplies?" OK "How long did it take you to put it in?" So between him and I we worked it out. Into what I think is a fair price. Its just seems like maybe something so small as figuring out who to pay, in my mind seemed like a huge deal. As if there was a right or wrong way. How was I to know. Never being a leader, or one to " make that final desc ion" because Pete was always there to do it before.
  Its these moments when I find myself thinking how did I survive before. Did I do nothing? I don't think I did nothing. I raised the kids, I did the grocery shopping, I cooked dinner. I did all the things I am doing now. (Well except maybe the dinner ) But now its more. There is more to it. I think as I sit here. Did I just follow along? And who was I following? I maybe didn't beat myself up as much as I do now. But that is my own fear getting in the way. I beat myself up for not being a good mother to my kids. That I am constantly doing it wrong. questioning and hoping that I am not messing them up in the long run. I recently had a dream about the kids being taken from me and I know that is my fear manifesting itself. I remember sitting on the couch asking one of my sisters after Pete passed before Chase Leo was born. "is there any way that A, and P could be taken from me?" They told me "No." Yes, this was a real fear for me.  Because there was some of my family that thought and had  hinted at that maybe I was and would be a bad mother without Pete. Making me feel in so many ways that I couldn't possibly raise the kids well, without him.  I guess I didn't realize that his was still somehow a fear still. I know many people  grieve differently and it's easier to lash out at someone. Maybe my family doesn't even remember what was said , or know how it would have carried over into still feeling that fear.  I think that I try so hard to see things from everyone's perspective and can only hope it was grief and fear that caused them to fell and think those things about me, and about the way Pete and I raised our kids at the time. But Now it's me. Just me. Not that Pete doesn't play a role. He help set the foundation. Because we were a team. But still. It's these hard and big decisions that maybe small to the average person. But, to me they seems big and overwhelming. My hope is that Pete would have been proud of the way I handled  figuring out who to pay and with how the kids are and are being raised.
   With new projects comes new questions. I guess that's why I wonder these things. Or I guess realized these things about the "old me" and now the" new me". because In many ways I am new. I am trying to view my life and the kids life without Pete. With the one year anniversary just a few weeks away I have decided the best way to go forward is to be the most positive I can be. To surround ourselves in positive and uplifting people. To be surrounded in love. I spent a couple days at the bottom of the barrel. I started to freak out on the inside. Full of panic pumping through my body. Like, Oh no what am I going to do. As if finally, finally realizing It would never, ever be the same. That the Pete I knew would not be coming home again.  To now realize that not only do I grieve the man, but I grieve the life we had.. That old life. I grieve for that old life and I guess in some ways that old me. I was so much more fun I think. Not that I am boring now, I just knew how to find the fun. maybe someday i will find it again.. I miss my wedding bands. I sometimes feel myself looking at my hand going where is it. It was just here. No, It wasn't. I haven't worn them in almost a year. But now it seems that life can't be all about survival anymore. It has to be about finding that "fun again". Finding what our life looks like now. Starting our own new traditions and new beginnings. And trying my best to see what that looks like. Trying my best too stay in this moment. Not 3 days from now. Not just wishing my life away. As if I am finally coming out of the fog and being conscious of whats going on around me.
   I don't expect it to change over night. No matter how much I want it to. But new floors, new life, new me. So much new scares me. But at the same time It needs to happen. That saying about ' You can't live in the past", Is so true. I can't stay there in the past. And even though looking head seems so frightful. That same old question, "how am I going to do this without him". I think to myself the same way you did it right after he passed.  New beginnings, letting go of "old fears, old lives, old self," It's looking into and for the light and love that surrounds us now. The friends and family that have, and do, and will step in and help in ways that will change and mold us for now and for the future.  I am still grieving, the kids are still grieving. And we so love and miss Pete everyday.  But now we are awake. And we Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I have to put our positive, loving step forward onto our new floor and our new present. With every loving, new step we take. We hold onto "our Pete", with the best crazy way, we know how.