Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Crazy " if only.." thought.

Too many things about this month seem to be haunting me. The two year anniversary seems to be looming. It seems that I have already worked through the other dates and "crazy thinking."  Like for example on the 26th of October I thought "Well it's been two years since he went into the hospital..."  How many years will that date come around that I will think that thought..
   Much has happened within the past month. Lots of change but all good things. And all things that are helping the kids and I move forward. I feel that I am in a place I never thought I would be in. I feel that I have at this point much happiness in my life.  How strange it seems that 23 months ago I never thought I could have happy again. Or even have any idea of what that might look like.  However I still have so many flashbacks that at times I forget to breathe and still the same thought comes to me "If only..." Silly really in some ways, and yet it still catches me off guard. Like today, I woke up late and everything just kept going downhill. I caught myself at dinner thinking back to times when Pete was home for dinner. And how much it has changed. And yet still it is better than it was say the first few months without him.  The kids and I don't just sit around and stare at each other waiting for him to come home now. I finally have started cooking actual food again. While it may have taken me two years to do it, I at least have started.
   It was in that brief moment that I visited the past this evening did I think "if only..." Which of course never gets me anywhere other than sad. I know whats wrong with being sad? Nothing. It's just the way Sad goes about it. As if Sad is waiting around the corner as I come barreling around it; does it jump out and yell "BOO!" As if to say "Surprise, I'm back!"  The only thing to do is embrace Sad, and accept it's unexpected visit. After the kids were in bed and asleep I wondered out into the garage. I couldn't figure out why the garage door was cracked. So I opened the garage door and shut the door to the house to have a "look around." While I know this may not have been the smartest idea, in case something was hiding out there... but maybe it was just that the door didn't get shut tight. Who knows. Anyway! I went outside and walked over to Pete's workbench. I saw a drawer I hadn't seen there before. I opened it and inside was something of his I had never seen. His prayer book and his rosary. When he was growing up he was Catholic. He went to a Catholic school for elementary and Jr. High. I opened it and found out when he had his first communion. I found a note his teacher had written to him. Two cards that had saints on them. A bag that had a rosary and a cross in it. Along with a medal of sorts that said Bless our Baby.
   I picked each one up and turned them over in my hands. I thought about him as a little boy. Which made me think of Petey. Since he is the exact replica of his father. The medal is what got me. Bless our baby. Before he was mine he was someone's baby. Why did I just figure this out now.. I don't know. The thought of holding my Petey as a baby and what My mother in law see's when she thinks of my Pete as a baby. While even though Petey is only four the things I want for him is to be happy, healthy, and have a long life. Those are probably the things that my mother in law wanted for her baby boy too. It makes me come back to the "If only..."  Along with the things I didn't get to know about him. The things I can't ask him. I can't ask him if he was excited  when he received his prayer book. I can't ask him if he remembers if he his family had a party for him. Sure I can ask his mom. but I want it from his memory. I was not raised Catholic so I don't know the history or ceremonies.  The questions I can't ask but wonder about, is what makes me feel so crazy. And wonder in some ways Why this man? Or even why this little boy, that lived inside of Pete the man?
    I know, I know, The answer is still not going to change the reality. It is what it is. However it's in these moments that I find something I didn't see before, like a movie I have watched over and over and yet still I see something I missed. The memories that I have played over in my mind of us together. Of our life together. I have played them so often I would think that I wouldn't have missed something.  Yet why is it, I can't for the life of me remember the sound of his voice. Only if I think real hard about it can I hear it in my head again. I never thought I could forget something like that. Or even something as simple as his kiss. A wife would never forget that. It make me wonder, is that the minds way of healing? So that as certain things fade you  make room for more things that you are ready to re live and re learn. Or even more memories to come? Yet always, always, remembering how you felt when being in his arms. I don't know the symbolism of it all and maybe I am not supposed to know right now...
   I forever remember how happy I was. And How grateful I am now to have felt that. To have loved him and to have been loved with such intensity. I am sure that Sad will continue to make unexpected visits and I am sure that I will see more and more of Sad as this months and the holidays draw closer. But I also know that I am finally feeling warmth in my heart. And laughter in my house. My only thought would be "If only... he were here to see it. 

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