Sunday, September 26, 2010

Confusing and Crazy..

I feel that I have gone back to living my life minute to minute. I am guessing it has to do with the time of year. Plus I got a call last week from the cemetery saying that Pete's headstone was in and finished. That really jolted me. I felt in those moments that my world was slowly tipping over on it's side. Maybe not completely upside down but It was tipping and for now it was definitely not right side up. I felt anxious and panicked. Like "oh no, what now, what am I supposed to do.." As it there was something I was supposed to do about it. The conversation was brief very brief. Sort of like " OK thanks.. Bye." Once I got my wits about me with the help of a very dear friend. Who helped give me the questions to ask. I called again. And found out the details I needed. I there fore could pass them along to Pete's parents who were coming for a visit this weekend not just for the headstone but to see the kids as well.  I did know that I wanted no part of it..  As if to say "OK thats great.. here you go, you handle it" So that is what they did. They got the financial part out of the way and came back to tell me that it would be placed in 2 weeks. Why the cemetery couldn't do it now. I don't know. So I feel that just when I start to put my life back together they will call and say "OK the stone is in" Ahhh. Not again. How many times will my would fall over and I pick it all back up. I guess too many to count.
   The problem with the headstone is that it brings all those memories that were such a blur back into focus. They things that I wanted to forget and leave there in a blur now seem to be staring at me. As if we are having a staring competition trying to see who will look away first. I know that it will be me. Because I don't want to see. I feel it. I don't need to see it too. I kept having this vision of standing there by his grave with the plaque in place and then just lying down next to him. on the ground. Lying on my back with the sun blinding me in the face looking into a cloudless sky and seeing only blue. reaching out my hand for what? as If I stretch far enough I could reach into his grave and feel his hand touching mine.  My fear of lying there and never getting up. Yes I know. I would get up I have 3 beautiful reminders. But in my vision I just lie there. next to it. with the hurt and the tears. The pain of my heart breaking and the blood of it all seeping back into the ground. In this vision I would eventually stand and then look at the mess. The mud from my tears the blood from my broken heart and wonder "what will grow in its place?" Beautiful flower's that never wilt? A new heart inside a different woman yet familiar all the same?
  I don't know. But the pain . the emptiness. the horrid images of everything from the moment he went into the hospital to moment he didn't come out. All come rushing back. I have had this question running around and around in my brain recently and I keep wondering "when does surviving become living?" When can we stop the survival mode and just live. To take a deep breath and not feel that stabbing pain. Like the cut on the crease of your finger that reopens and bleeds every time you move your finger.  I have heard so many people say to me "Well , It gets better with time." I want to say "really, it does?" cause time has passed and I would say it is harder with time. The harder part being I am done living my life without you. I have done it for 10 insanely slow moving months. That in some ways seem like a blur.. and in the next minute feel like the longest 10 months of my entire life. I mean ten months isn't say that long. If you look at it in weeks it's 40 weeks that gestation in  a pregnancy. But 40 weeks is insanely long when you have dealt with losing the love of your life too early in your life. As well as, the after math of having a baby and raising 3 kids by yourself. being an only parent. in a life that you thought would always have two parents in it. It feels in this moment hard to even wrap my brain around. and I wrap my brain around a lot of things that most people don't understand. But this feels impossible. He is supposed to be here. He just is!
  I know personally I never liked the word impossible. Because It leaves no room for possibilities. And really all things are possible. They really are. Good and bad. I mean I never thought it was possible for Pete to die at 37 years old. I never thought it would be possible to birth our child without Pete right by my side. Yet in the same thought I never thought it would be possible to touch so many people with my story without even meeting them.  Or How many people think I am a role model, that is something I thought was impossible. Sure a role model to my kids. But to people who don't know me...well feels impossible. Because really I am doing what Pete would have wanted me to do. Keep going. I don't know how. But I do it. And I love my kids and I worry about them and I try to just push forward like pushing on a door when really I should pull it to open. That is how it feels when trying to go on with our life without him. Moving forward feels impossible, but it's not, it is possible.
   I think sometimes that I must be the most confusing person. One minute things are impossible and the next it feels that everything is possible. One minute I am fine and we are all going to make it and the next I want to lie down next to his grave and stay there. Confusing. But real.  I can't be accused of not being real because I dont know how to be any other way., I mean yes I am good at times of candy coating it and acting like everything is fine, that we are just trying to find our " new normal". In the next minute I want to pull out my bright orange t-shirt and let the world know  the kids and I are coming, Stand back!  Maybe real is what I have become. Not that I wasn't before. I was genuine. But I did a lot of hiding in the bushes. To careful not to let someone see me. Afraid of what you might think. granted People that say that they don't care what others think, on some level do. I mean we all do. Even me, in this whole thing. I think I just still want to be heard. Again confusing. Don't look at me, don't treat me like the lonely widow. But look at me, hear me, Write to me tell me what you think. take a closer look. Where's my orange shirt? But wait treat me like everyone else. I can't make up my mind. As Pete would say " and that's different, how?"  Because I could never make my own mind up before. I always wanted to know what he thought. Even down to what we were going to eat for dinner.  Now he is not here and I have no one to ask. Oh I know what the kids want to eat, but I still don't know what I want to eat. Thank goodness for only a few choices in the frozen food section.   yet I still want to know what does he want to eat. And I can't ask him. Instead I stand around thinking what would Pete like. I ask myself "why does it matter" and "does it really?"  The pain in my chest, the emptiness in my heart. Sit down. Minute to minute. Breathe. I must be crazy?
   Right now "our" world is on it's side, confusing myself and the kids. Waking up going "oh hell another day." And wondering " When does surviving become living" I guess for now i take it as it comes. Down my Hunters Orange shirt, for when I want to be noticed and a jacket for when I want to hide.. Keep the word Possibilities on the tip of my tongue. A pillow for the times that I wish I could "pretend to lie down"  Sunglasses to protect my eyes from seeing. . And always to remember that Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I will someday learn to live not just survive. That light is there, We will make the decision to pull the door open, walk through and begin again. To embrace where we have been and move forward, on to our next journey.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Driving myself Crazy.

I have an upcoming wedding to go to. I really am happy for the couple. I hope that they will find married life to be bliss. Now I am well aware that marriage is not bliss all the time but most of the time it's pretty great. However, Sometimes when I think about attending this wedding I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go.  When I think about it widows and weddings are sort of an oxi-moron.  .  the thing is that I really do want to go. I want to see the bride happy. I have lots of respect for the man she is going to marry. I wanted to be there for them and celebrate them and their new life together. As I am writing this I am afraid that I am sounding like I am trying to talk myself into going. .  I cannot help but think of my own wedding and how beautiful it was. A fresh spring day in April. There were some very funny moments and some stressful ones too. But I can remember thinking that this day is my best day ever. That I would never forget it. I treasure all the moments of that day. So I ask myself now, Why worry about a wedding that is 3 weeks away? Why even be bothered at all?  I am sure that it is probably stressful somewhat on the brides behalf to even invite me to the wedding considering "everything". So I am thankful that I got an invite. I did try to joke with the bride a little bit when she was stressing about where to seat everyone at the reception.  I said  "I know, why don't you put all the widows at one table. She didn't think it was very funny. In fact I think she was a little bit horrified. I thought it was hysterical. I figure that at this point in my life you have to be able to make a joke about it. Because really thats life in some ways. It is what it is.
  So, now that I have received my invitation and and put that yes I would be going. I forgot to put on their that my friend was going as my date.  Hopefully my girlfriend and I will end up at the same table. :) Now the task begins of what to wear. Ah the insanity. One must look good when going to a wedding. Well at least when going to a big event. I really would like to make a statement. To look beautiful,strong and Independent.  Not what I feel on the inside frumpy, chubby and somewhat worn out.
  I met my friend and sister at the mall today with my three kids and two of my sisters kids. Good times! Luckily  lo and behold I found two dresses that I think look very flattering on me. The process however of finding those two glamorous dresses is quite interesting. Picture it if you will. One sit and stand stroller with three kids in it. One wheel chair/walker with an 11 year old girl in it, and one 7 year old boy trotting along behind. Plus three woman. My friend, my sister and myself. All in the dress section of Macy's. My sister finds a couple of dresses and I find a few with my friend and sisters help. Then all of us go into the dressing room. We found the extra big dressing room. My sister and I tried dresses on with the door mostly open While Chase Leo in the stroller my niece in her chair and three kids sitting in the corner sitting right outside the dressing room door, that is basically open so we can keep an eye on everyone. My niece, bless her. kept 4 kids from blowing up the place. Aryanna, Petey, and Ben were playing a game on the "iphone" and she was feeding the baby a bottle which worked for awhile. It's amazing how much you don't care about modesty after you have had a baby. My sister and I are pretty much standing in our bra and underwear with the door open while other woman are walking past. My friend/date (lol) kept running back and forth getting sizes for my sister and me. In between times while waiting for a dress I would hold Chase Leo or tell A and P not to be so loud. At one point my nephew thought it would be hysterical to start calling everyone with the iphone and then hanging up. So, he called me , he called my friend, he called his friends. Meanwhile Chase Leo is getting cranky because he is tired and needs a nap. The kids start running in circles, because they need to eat. One lady who worked there came over and was like " can I help you ?"  I think maybe some of the customers where complaining. So I think she was trying to get us out of there ASAP. She then wanted to get our sizes and such. Well mostly my sisters I might as well have been clear. I wanted to say "OK now you want to help?" Where were you say, when we first came in. Another employee apparently had, had it. Came marching in there and said how we needed to move our kids out of the way cause no one could get past. I was thinking well you are the only one who is having trouble everyone else seems to be moving through here just fine.
   At last, I have picked two dresses, My sister has picked two dresses and my friend already went shopping and picked her two dresses. So We gather kids, clothes, bottles,  toys, strollers, walkers and a pair of crutches (niece hurt her knee has to keep it immobilized for 6-8 weeks)  and head out, to go and pay. But wait... I am getting ready to get into the line when what do I see, another dress. This could be " the dress!" I had to try it on. I couldn't leave the store if I didn't try it on. So I run with my dress to the changing room leaving behind 3 kids running in circles around the racks, a cranky baby, a jam packed stroller with the crutches sticking out the sides to try on one more dress. I put it on and decide that yes this dress must come home with me. Grab the dress put my clothes back on run back to all the chaos. Now I have three dresses I put one back so that I only have two and go to checkout before I see another dress.
  My sister however wants to look at just one more section. So our friend and her went to look at those other dresses while I take the insane hungry children to the food court. Off we go. A and P climb back into the sit and stand arguing over who is going to sit and who is going to stand. While Chase Leo is  on my back in the ergo and his seat is full with two dresses.  Wheeling along beside me is my niece with my nephew jogging to keep up. . AS you can imagine I got some really insane looks. Finally at one pint someone stopped me to ask if they were all mine. I laughed and said Nope these three are mine and these 2 are cousins.  Alas My sister and friend show up we all have lunch and then we all pack up and head out.
  The kids and I head out through the mens section. We passed the cologne counter and a woman smiled at us and said "I bet you are busy" and I said" you have no idea". She asked if I wanted to smell the new women scent that armoni makes I said sure. She gave me a sample and I said wow, I really like that. It;s light without being over bearing. So I told her that I had been looking for a new scent and tried before but never really liked anything. And I didn't want to wear what I was wearing before because it reminded me of my husband who recently passed away. Of course she was shocked and asked me when and if it was sudden. So I told her the brief version. That he had the swine flu, so make sure to get you flu vaccine. Expecting her to say something like. Yes, I most certainly will. I am so sorry, you take care, then off we would go. She didn't she just started asking a bunch of questions like so did it get into his lungs? did they just fill up with fluid? I was a little taken of guard. I was like well. yeah. All the while watching my kids expressions waiting for something. But she didn't stop there. Then she said Well ya know there was another family who died from that in Kokomo  and on she went. Somehow I lead it back to the perfume and said well, thanks for the sample Have a great day.. As we walked away I thought to myself "OK now what made me say that" Like why would I tell a complete stranger that my husband passed away" What was the point of it? I don't think that I was looking for the woe is me story.  Then I thought back to how the conversation started and I guess it was just me thinking out loud. I guess forgetting that it must sound so strange to so many other people. When I think about it all the time. That Pete is not here. Or thinking of things that I want different because he is not here. Something as simple as a new perfume. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I shouldn't have said that, or done that. I felt guilt like I had just caused something terrible to happen. That my kids had to witness and listen to this lady ramble on about questions about "how he died?" I felt terrible. I tried to find a couple of suckers in my diaper bag to give to them. Lie a sucker was going to take all their pain away. Trying to fix it somehow. Wishing I could just erase that last conversation from their minds.
   After I got the kids all loaded and situated in the car I couldn't stop my brain from going. On the drive home I kept thinking about when he was in the hospital. And about that last day of his life. How I prayed and prayed asking to let him live. How I came and went from his room. Thinking he didn't look very good. just on and on.. at one point the thought came into my head "why are you doing this to your self? Are you trying to drive yourself crazy?." I answered "I don't know" Why do thoughts like that keep coming back. Is it because I am more mentally capable to take them in?
  I can remember sitting outside the hospital  in the "garden area"  with my friend Myra and I looked up into the sky as a big white airplane was passing by. I had a vision.  He walked out and plopped down in the seat across from me and propped his feet up on my chair. He looked at me and I said "If you have to go, don't draw this out anymore just go." He said to me "OK". He continued to look at me. He was wearing his jeans a white shirt his long sleeve corduroy navy blue shirt/jacket and his white and black tennis shoes.  This was the outfit he wore into the hospital. I knew it would be coming soon. About 10 minutes after that my sisters came out and said it's time. He is getting ready and I said " no, he is not. He could still come back. I said something about he may never die. They both looked at me and I knew what they were thinking.    It got dark and I was getting cold. His sister came down and said that they did in fact get him back but that he went 8 minutes without oxygen. And that it would happen again. Then she said "we, want to let him go.. but you have the final say. What do you want to do?"  I looked at my sisters and I said I don't know, What should I do? and they said. " Let him go." So I did. I stayed right there inside right by the door to that garden. he passed at 7:02 they called it at 7:05.  
     Again I ask myself "what are you doing? You are going to throw up, if you keep at this." And again, I don't know. I guess I am healing. Thats what you do when healing. Re-live it again and again. Until maybe it doesn't make you want to vomit?  Is it this wedding that is stirring all this up? Maybe. Is it because Tuesday will be 10 months? Could be. Or maybe I am stronger now. Mentally and emotionally to allow those thought to wander in sometimes. I can say that I wish they wouldn't. Although I had forgotten about that part of seeing "Pete" in the garden. I had just remembered it when writing about it.   The other thing that I remembered today is, when Pete and I were planning our wedding we talked about our vows and I had said I hated it when the minister would say "till death do you part" and I didn't want to think about being without him. So I asked to have it change to " until we meet our creator." But really even in death you are not apart. I mean yes, that person is not physically in the body and by your side. But he/she is still with you, it's just a different type of relationship. To me, Pete is not completely gone. I still feel him with me spiritually. I know that his spirit is with me and the kids. That no matter what he will always be a part of us. And that he still has a piece of my heart even from the other side. Maybe to others it's total craziness, or maybe it's learning total healing.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Miss you like Crazy.

When does it end. This constant pain in my chest. Grrr. These past few days and maybe weeks. I don't know things still run into each other. I feel like my anxiety is choking me.  I guess I am back to feeling like I have a gaping wound in my chest that I am just walking around with it hanging open. So raw and sometimes hollow. As if the days just sort of float by. I am always grateful for times when my mind is so busy that it can't think about how horrid it is to constantly miss him. As the leaves change and the days go on I feel like I am being hit in the stomach when I think of the month October. heck I feel that way when I think at all.
 I have heard many different things about anniversaries. How we maybe make a bigger deal out of them than they really are. By dreading them feels like nails on a chalk board.  That when it finally arrives it's sort of the "Oh well. that wasn't so bad." Like its the days that lead up to it, that are horrible. I say "maybe" I haven't decided yet. Or that when the big day arrives, we should celebrate his life and not his death. OK I can see that one too. Or there is the other side that People look forward to the day that it can just slip by without them knowing it has even occurred. However for those people, I think they would have to be stoned not to notice. It's like the birth of your children. Yes granted their are people out there who forget their kids birthdays. But I think as a mom you don't usually forget all those hours in labor. It tends to remind you and make it impossible to forget.
  I was glad for Zumba tonight.  It kept my mind and body busy. Like a break from feeling like shit all the time. I guess I had heard so often that it gets easier with time however time does not seem to be helping me right now. Granted I do go in spurts. Where I think " sure we are doing great." And like lots of days recently I feel terrible. Like how can I get through the next day. It's almost like  getting used to having a bad backache. Or not being able to turn your neck very far. For me it's my whole torso hurts. Starting at my throat and working its way down into the pit the bottom of my stomach.
  Maybe its just that I am noticing it more. Like when you buy a new/used car suddenly everyone has your same car. I am feeling right at this moment a little tired of picking myself up off the ground. Tired of getting into bed at night without him there. tired of havig dinner with just the kids and I. Tired of being tired, and tired of worrying about it all. I was washing bottles today and I thought of my neighbor and how hard he works all the time. I mean I think he enjoys it. He likes to be busy. But  I wonder is he living and enjoying his life? Or just getting by until something else comes along. Or another project happens by. I feel that in some ways I am a little tired of just surviving life. What happened to having fun? I want some fun now. I am done with this. I want to go out on Date night. But I want to go out on date night with Pete. Not with some random person. I keep having these weird thoughts about dating. Like going out to meet someone for coffee. First of all where would I meat anyone and second I think that if I was to meet someone what would be my opening line.. Hi, there,. Want to go out with a recent widow who has three small kids at home and a slightly post partum body? I tell ya, I am the life of the party. Oh and if I have to much to drink I will either start crying or be asleep. Cause Man I have not slept in a year.." Somehow I don't think this would be received well.
 Then I think I don't want to meet anyone I want to meet Pete. Thats why I married him. I wanted only him. So here I sit. Still only wanting him. And yet I want to do something different. Do something  fun.  Get this obnoxious, irritating bleeding scab to just stop aching. Stop the throbbing.  I know, I know, Just put one foot in front of the other and keep it going. Steady is the way to be. I don't feel steady  There does not seem to be enough words to describe heartache. because its; more than the heart. Too bad I don't have a thesaurus handy. I would look up all the words I could think of to describe pain. Aching, throbbing, numb, stabbing., shooting pains. unfortunately the only way to heal this life, This whatever this is. Survival?  Is time. I hate that. I am done with Father time, thanks. Always have been impatient. Not that I want to forget Pete. I just don't want to hurt anymore. It gets old. It;s like being on hold and listening to the same recoding over and over. "your call is very important to us.." You feel that if that lady comes on again, So help me..
 I don't want to go through the whole process of finding someone else to share my life with.,. I just want the right person to just knock on my door. I can open the door he will smile, and seem very familiar and that will be that. Since Father time seems to think I need time, I need some salve to put on my weeping heart. loosen the collar of anxiety that is way to tight. Get rid of this corset of worry that hugs my solar plexus. And then take a deep breath and feel the release of it all. I pray for that day to come soon. Oh how I pray. I am tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually just tired.  Raw and empty.
  I was driving to pick up Aryanna from school today when I just started to cry. How insane and lonely and lost Aryanna and Petey must feel. To miss Pete in ways they probably can't put into words. No more story time with daddy. To climb up into his lap and on his belly to play. To laugh. To be squeezed and kissed with Daddy's scratchy beard. To hold his hand and walk to the park. To paint with him, to have him draw them anything they could dream up with sidewalk chalk. To run to him with all their might and have him swoop them up into the air.  To climb into his lap and eat peanuts and popcorn. Camp out in the living movies and make jewelry and bake together. Not that I can't do some of those things with them. It's not the same. I don't smell like Daddy. I don't laugh like daddy. I am not Daddy. I am Mommy. Trying to fill the role of both.
  I miss him with every breath that I take. and every tear that I cry. As I watch my kids grow and get bigger I think of how proud Pete would/is of them. He is not here with us physically but Pete is here spiritually. I feel him close by. He does send me reminders that he is just right next to me, sitting beside me.  But Oh, How we miss him like crazy!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Wondering about things, can make you go Crazy.

I have been wondering some things. I don't know if it's just the fact that some of my memories are starting to come back to me. I mean granted there are still quite a few things that are a complete blur. Or that I have only fragments of memories. Like I remember a time when my cousin and Aunt were over painting my living room and it was a very snowy day.  My brother Clint, my sister Ashely, her boyfriend Andy, and my sister Betsy came over and took the kids out to play in the snow. I think it was Betsy's two boys and my two. All outside in the snow. I even remember, getting the video camera and catching  a little bit on tape. Plus Ashley got a few pictures of the kids playing. However I have no idea what month it was or day. I think it was before Christmas. I definitely know that I was still pregnant.
   It's the memories that I can't remember but are starting to remember. Like things about the viewing/calling. I remember I couldn't look at him. I never did. And I don't really have any regret over that one. I mean I remember I tried to. I was standing way at the back of the room and started to peek around the corner. It's a good thing my dad was holding onto me. Because all I could say was " I can't, and Why is this happening". I don't remember much else. I mean yes, I sat there next to him with it closed and my back to his picture while people came and went. I have no idea what they said to me. I sort of felt like an exhibit at the zoo. I do remember what I was wearing that day. Although I don't know how I got dressed. I don't remember that part. I don't have that outfit anymore I gave it away. I know that lots of people he worked with were there. Some of our friends that we knew from E91. I know that I spent a lot of time in a room tucked away.
    However now that some time has passed,  it seems that I am getting to the wondering about things part of my memories. Like did they leave his glasses on him? And if not why? He wore them everyday. In fact the only time he wasn't wearing them was when he was asleep. I remembered the other day that I gave a picture of the kids to his friend Pat to put in his pants pocket. But I had forgotten that part until just a couple days ago.
   The thing about wondering is that I question if I really want to know. Like If he isn't wearing his glasses, where are they? If I ask I may not like the answer. So why ask. Right? They are just glasses. I have an old pair of his. They were not his "spare" pair. These glasses the frames kept breaking so he welded them together in one spot. LOL  But there are other things as well like things in the hospital that I don't remember. And I think If I remember them someday I hope to goodness I am a lot more stable when i remember them. lot of time though  I hope I will never remember them. I also wonder things about the people around me. Like It is just now starting to creep in. Why not sooner? I want to know things like "how did my sisters hold it together in the hospital?" They were right there with me when he passed away. They just held my hand and sat at my feet waiting. Even now I am thinking " Why am I writing this? "Why am I thinking about this?" Why am I bringing all this stiff up?"
I guess to answer some of it, or answer myself is that I have been wondering and never had a place to put it out there until now. I sit here on the couch with the only sound of the crickets chirping outside and the fan blowing of the furnace. It's quiet. The kids are all asleep. Why wouldn't I be reading? Watching a movie? Or going to sleep? Instead here I sit thinking about all of these memories and fragments of my minds eye. Like watching part of a movie that you really don't want to see the ending to.
  Sitting here asking these questions and feeling it all again make me nervous, anxious , Itchy, shaky, sweaty and cold all at the same time. These questions, these wonders at times feel like they have to be answered right now.  I saw one of Pete's nurses tonight. I always wondered how I would react if I saw someone who treated him. And it was fine. I was happy to see her. I got to know her through all of this. And she and her fellow nurses and the doctors gave him really awesome care. Granted it was hard to "see" her. But I was glad to see her too. But by seeing her did cause some flashbacks. At one point in the evening things about the hospital were so clear I wanted to be like "OK the kids and I need to go now". I can't imagine how hard it must be to be an ICU nurse. Because you get to know the families and if your patient doesn't make it then you know that if you were ever to see them again that family would have a hard time looking at you. Could you imagine if that was you? That by looking at me, you might want to throw up?  Yet, She helped Pete. She cared for Pete. She cared about Pete, she cared about us. She told me that there is a picture of the kids and I in their break-room. And they look at us every day. Sometimes she said they kiss their hand and then touch the picture. When she told me that I was speechless. I wondered why? Why do they do that? I mean we were just another family, right? Another sad thing that happened. Pete was an amazing man even being sick he touched people's hearts. But I wanted to ask her Why us? Still I wonder.. Like I wonder "did the nurses know that he wasn't going to make it?" Or at what point did they know? Even now I wonder "Why Kathryn would you want to know that?"  Curious, maybe. I don't know that I really do want to know.
   I wasn't with him when he passed. I keep thinking that he wouldn't have wanted me there. Was I weak for not being there? I don't know if it's weakness, I just know that I couldn't have been there. To stand there pregnant and watch knowing I couldn't do anything to stop it. If i think rationally about it, If I had been there what would that have done to me mentally? Or even health wise? Why wonder, I ask myself. I feel sick. And Think I should just stop. I can't seem to. I still wonder.. "how did I sleep that night?" "How did I walk out of the hospital?" How did I just race through my dads house and tell Aryanna and Petey what had happened?" I don't know how. God is how.    I wonder, What did my sisters do?  How did they just keep going on? They helped me take a bath, Ashley took care of the kids. My friend Myra talked with them and I think she went home at some point but I don't know when. I wonder, What did Myra think? All those times that she spent with me praying. Did she have any idea that he wasn't going to make it? How did she do it? How did everyone do it? I wonder, About all the friends and family at the hospital there that night What did they do? What did my brother do? What did my brother-in-laws do? What happened to everyone after I went home? I don't even know how I got the kids to bed. Someone must have come home with me. I mean I know that Pat and Sylvia were there but they went home or back to the hotel at some point. I have no idea what happened after we got home. They drove the kids and I home from my dads that night. I will never forget. We got everyone all buckled in and Pat said " Are we all in and buckled up?" and Aryanna said " Yes, but my Daddy is never coming home again." Everyone in the car cried.
   After that Pat, Sylvia, Aryanna, Petey, me, and Ryan and Isabelle drove to my house and I have no idea what happened after we hit the driveway. I can't even seem to pry it out. But still I wonder...
Will I wonder years from now? Will I remember years from now? And do I care to?   I wonder if someday Aryanna and Petey will remember that night. So many people say that they won't but I know my kids and I bet you they will. But still I wonder. All this wondering does make me feel a little crazy. Not being able to access my own memories. I do believe that is God and the brains way of protecting you. It's like after having a baby. You forget how awful all that pain was. Because you never forget that first moment that you see your beautiful baby. That gift, that joy. You forget all those months you threw up. And all those times when you thought you would breathe fire because Of such bad heartburn. because there in your arms is the most amazing and precious gift you could ever imagine.  So it makes you want to have more. Only when you are in labor the next time do you remember and Go "Oh what was I thinking" But,  still we do it anyway.
   I think that is just how it is in life. We do it anyway's. Losing Pete, missing Pete. And being so desperate for him to just be here with me. TO be physically present. Thinking that our lives are going to stop. Thinking that our lives would have stopped. Yet they didn't, we didn't, we did it anyway. Even through all those days that are good, and all the days that I think I just cannot seem to find that one spot of steady ground. The phone rings and it's a friend calling to say "Hi, I felt the need to call you."  I get back up and do it anyway. It hurts, and it's hard and through this path, this journey that God and the universe are taking us on. I wonder..
   Will I get my memories back? Who know?. But we do life anyway. To imagine that some people never wonder. Never question. But to those that do wonder.. I believe that by my wondering I can hope to see things from a new perspective. See that light at the end of the tunnel. And to wonder about things that are hopeful, joyful, and full of magic. So for  now I may be crazy in my wondering, but In life and apparently in all things we learn, and do it anyway.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Crazy Mr. and Miss

Oh Mr. Anxiety here we go again. I am sure that many of you read on my facebook about my conversations with Mr. Anxiety and how upsetting it is when he comes for a visit. Well since everything has happened I would say he has come for a permanent stay. But, sometimes he goes out of town for a few days and I feel like" ah how nice, a break". But not so fast Mr. Depression then decides to make his presence known.  Now granted I have struggled with depression since at least the age of 15 years old, and I had my first panic attack at the age of 6. So I am no stranger to Mr Anxiety, Mr. Depression and don't forgot Miss Worry.
  Mr. Anxiety has been popping in a lot more frequently these days right along with Mr. depression. They seem to be coming in pairs. Lucky me! For example. I had been having a pretty good day. Got some errands done while Aryanna was at school. However Miss. Worry went into over drive while running through wal-mart with the boys.  At one point I wanted to just abort mission. Just take the kids out of the cart and leave. But I really really needed Formula. So we stayed. Got Aryanna pick up from school. then home to deal with a rather unhappy and sleepy Chase Leo.  And don't forget the two other children who were also too tired and Aryanna was so over stimulated from school. Everyone needed a time out. A and P had a brief one and CL refused to sleep which made for a rather frustrated and cranky Mommy. I mean I tried everything to get him to sleep. No such luck. So I threw in the towel. I decided I needed a shower. There is nothing like listening to two kids argue over something ridiculous and one baby crying while trying to shampoo and tune it all out. One would think that it would be at this point when Mr. Anxiety would butt in, but I think it was too noisy for him. No, he waited until this evening.
   Aryanna and I had Brooke's Place tonight. usually I don't mind going. I mean It's not my favorite place to be. Not because of the people. Everyone is very nice! It's the fact that I have to know about a place like Brooke's place. That my children and I are a part of Brooke's place. Don't get me wrong Brooke's Place is the best thing ever for families like us. but still there is a lot of "I don't want to" going on inside my head.  So We get to the church and Aryanna has been talking about having a slice of pizza once we get there (even though she has already had dinner) But we get there I get her a slice and we both sit down. By ourselves of course because we got there a little late and everyone is already in their groups. But this is sort of the way I like it. Anyway There we are when all the sudden, I have this terrible sense that I don't want to be there anymore, and that we have to leave right now! Ah Mr. Anxiety so not nice to see you here. Surprised? I shouldn't be, but I am. And No, we can't leave Aryanna loves, loves Brooke's Place and she needs to be there. With kids her age who understand her. So Aryanna goes off to her class and I try to swallow the rest of my root beer and head to class. Meanwhile inside my head I am shouting" NO, you are not going in, you are not here, this is not happening." Which even now as I think about that short walk from the sitting area to the where the groups meet I am surprised that I am still in shock. Like "Hello crazy lady, earth to crazy lady you have been doing this for almost 10 months, this shouldn't be a surprise to you." But it is and It was.
  I go in and find a chair and try not to be too fidgety.  It's almost my turn and I can;t figure out what to talk about and then I decide at the last minute. "Hi, I'm Kathryn and I bring Aryanna who is 5 yrs old. Petey gets to start next time he is 3 yrs old and Chase Leo will be 8 months on Sunday". From there I launch into That Chase Leo has two teeth and is pulling up doing and getting into all sorts of things. Plus he is working on another tooth and therefore hasn't been sleeping well which means I haven't' been sleeping well. ( But I don't really sleep anyway) And I say that I apparently have now developed some sort of very itchy hives that seem to be related to, Yes you guessed Anxiety. The more anxious and stressed I get the more itchy I become. In fact I have itched so much that the back of my leg is one big green and purple bruise.  One of the parents says that yes, he too had that reaction to stress but that his turned out to be shingles, and that maybe I should have them checked out. Also another woman said that when she was going through the loss of her brother she too broke out into some itchy hives. So I guess It's just one more thing to add to the ever growing list of things you get to experience while grieving. Thank you Pete!
   I did talk about how Miss Worry showed up at Wal-Mart. Of course I didn't call her that. They would think I was crazy... I explained how I got all nervous because I am trying to budget, and figure it all out, and there I was wondering what the total of the bill was going to be and I wanted to just throw up all over the place because it was so nerve wracking. I stood between the meat cases and thought and said out loud. I hate this! I hate to shop for groceries. But What did I do? Give up? NO, I put one foot in front of the other. Got th remaining things and went to check out. When the lady asked me how i was I replied , "Fine, but I find shopping very stressful" of course she looked at me like I was crazy. I just smiled.  Got the total and held my breath. Swiped my card got my bags and off we went to the parking lot with Petey talking a mile a minute about I can't even remember. Imagine that.
  I also mentioned that I had been doing some writing and shared the link to my blog. How it has helped me to realize some things about myself while writing and after writing. Also That my hope was to help others to know that we aren't really crazy.. (Well some of us are but thats beside point) We just feel crazy. When I got down to the end of whatever I was rambling on about I decided that I would light my candle for us. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I. That we continue on our crazy journey. Because really there is no way around it. Like that book. "Going on a Bear Hunt".. "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go Through it." I think of that line from that book often. If someone or lots of someones could feel peace or touched in some way from my writing this blog, then it's worth putting it out there. Whats the point of the lessons if you don't learn from them.  However you can't study for these lessons. And really why would you want to. Because even if I did study, when I got to the test I might change my mind about how " the book suggested" I may have come up with a better way to do it. And if you know me well you know that I never do things by the book anyway.
  As for Mr. Anxiety, Mr. Depression and of course Miss Worry I guess they have moved in for awhile. But I look forward to when they go out of town for a few days. And hopefully in the near future they will pack up their bags and leave for good.  And leave this crazy lady to bask in her lessons learned.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Crazy Adjectives!

I miss Pete. I miss him so much I feel at times I can't stand it. It's more than that though. I want him with me right now! I am done being without him by my side.  It feel so damn hard right now. It's September. one month before he got sick. I hate that with every season that changes its always hard. But this time it seems impossible. I sometimes wish I could just skip these next few months. I don't want to do them. I don't want to feel them. I am so tired of being in pain. My head hurts. My heart it hurts. Putting my heart back together is painful. Living this life without Pete is painful, horrible ( insert adjective here)_________. I feel lost for how insane it really feels.  Yet piece at a time. Slowly I learn something else and another one locks back into place. Like it grows back together. Grid locked and stronger than before. But it still hurts every time.
  I was fortunate to have two of Pete's college friends come for a visit this weekend. I was so happy to see them. We went to dinner and I tried Sushi for the first time. By the way it's kind of fishy.. But by my second one, it wasn't so bad. I think I just need to try many varieties. Oh and I got to ring the gong too. That was really fun. But the only way they would let me ring it, is if it was my birthday. So my friend told them it was and so I got to Bang on the Gong. People kept wishing me Happy Birthday it was hysterical. We had a great time. It was so crazy, I could feel Pete with us so much that I almost wanted to pull out a chair for him and say "Hey Roo, have a seat" Or pull out the chair and just wait for him to come around the corner plop into the seat and say "sorry I'm late, pass the sushi."
      They brought some pictures of Pete from his "college" days and a video of him just hanging out at their apartment. I was glad to see them. And Aryanna and Petey I think were glad to see them. They so often ask me "what Daddy was like when he was younger" and I don't know. I met him when he was 29 years old. So this was like a glimpse into his past, through their eyes. I was surprised, for some reason as to how hard it was. Like, why should I be surprised. I can't even look at a picture of us on our wedding.  But the first picture I looked at sent a shock wave through my whole system and I felt it to my core. It's like when you touch the stove not realizing that it's hot. But I looked and I tried to see that this picture, this time in his life. He  was young. Barely 20 years old. Marriage to me and our kids was 9 years into the future from where he stood.  But to see a video of him was so bizarre. I think even now as I remember it I keep thinking " I know this man?"  " Why does he seem so familiar" I feel like grief does a funny thing to you. Or maybe it's just the traumatic loss of it all. But .. I can't seem to explain it. Like the best I can do.. Looking at him then was like a lifetime ago. And yes I realize it was some years ago but, to know that I wasn't even a glint in his eye is so weird. in those moments he thought his life was all laid out for him and in his mind he thought that was how it was going to go. I bet that at 20 or so years of age he probably never thought he would pass away at the ripe age of 37 and leave his wife and 3 children behind.
   Their were a couple of funny things about that video one that he had a girlfriend,. and two his voice was so different. It was higher I mean at first I was like " is that Pete talking" because as a man he voice changed and was lower. But the other funny thing was that at one point in the video he got up and walked into the kitchen and just broke out into a dance. And it was like " ah, now thats the man I know" He always did that. Always making up crazy songs or changing the words to songs or singing them in "lounge" style. lol  But even now when I saw a video of him playing with Aryanna in the water I felt the same thing. " I know that guy." I don't know what it is. And I can't put my finger on it or why that is. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven't seen him in almost 10 months. I haven't heard his voice, held his hand, looked in his eyes. Nothing. Nada, zilch. I keep thinking I just can't believe it. This is really happening.     It was a hard was hard for me when they had to get going.. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them to come here, and see us. Meet Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo, without him here. But I am so glad that they did.
 After they left and all the hours that followed, have been weepy ones. He was so real. So vibrant. I sat in the rocking chair just sobbing I miss you Roo, I need you. I could feel him in the room with me. But I tell ya, I am so ready to be over this pain. I don't want to hurt anymore. I still wish he would just come home. That I could wake up and have it all go away. That it was just a horrible dream. And then I could kick his ass for leaving me then hug him so tight he would think he would pop.  I feel within these last few days that I am back standing on unsteady ground. So many uncertainties. Worries, Anxieties. Fears wondering how's it all going to work, where is it going to come from, where is it going to go. How are we going to do it. I know we will and If I just slow down and put things into perspective then I will see that its not so bad. I worry about Financial things. Trying to figure it all out. I have help  But it's my own inner struggles. Wondering if I am doing it right. What happens if I do it wrong. Worried about grocery shopping and raising kids and making sure that they know how much they are loved. And know how much thier Daddy loves them. Anxiety over being alone and missing him so insanely bad that I just want to cut out my heart. Tired of not sleeping but too tired to do anything about it. Because I fear that if I took something that really knocked me out then I wouldn't hear Chase Leo. Guilt over needing some "me" time then missing kids like crazy when I am away from them. Finding comfort in their hugs and kisses, and then worrying that they are being the adults by comforting Mommy. And then feel upset and mad at Pete cause they wouldn't have to comfort me if he wouldn't have died. The list goes on and on. And On days when it's hard, it just feels extra hard. I can't stand being in my own head and I feel that I don't want to do these days anymore.
  I know that I will because that is what I do. try to find a better way or a new way and keep going. But I really just want Pete. I just want him to come home  now and say " I am here now, it's all going to be alright"
I look forward to the day when I do get it right. When I can stand and look at myself and see physical beauty not some worn out mommy who could really use a nap. To look and see that I can budget, and not freak out over every tiny thing. To have less flip-outs and tears. To stand upon steady ground, to not doubt or question or always looking for the "catch" To cook again, to organize again, to breath again, to sleep again, to love again, to have complete peace again. To be happy again, mind, body, spirit.
  I know that day is coming. I know it is. I believe it is. I know that God and the Angles are with me. I have watched other people with grief struggle and eventually find all those things again. I know there is light at the end, I have glimpsed it many times.  Right now it seems far away. But I never thought I could make it through 10 months. And we have, we are.  It's within reaching distance. These are things I have to remind myself of. Yet I do realize that for me to get to the reward I have to work hard, real hard.. (like Pregnancy, you get a prize at the end)  However the only way to get there is to go through this crazy journey. My journey to share, to learn from, to speak about it, to teach about it, to help others know they are not alone, to love my kids. To embrace it. To heal from it.  And know that without it I wouldn't be one crazy red haired lady.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Crazy Songs

Mostly this blog has been about my writings. But Not only is it about writing out my feelings and thoughts and every other crazy thing I do. But often times when  I feel that I am lost for the words I come across a song that can say it all. That can say or describe that exact emotion that I am feeling. Sometimes it  feels so overwhelming that I can't even find the words let alone write about it. So I guess on days or times when I want to write but feel blocked or even clogged by my emotions. I will post a song for you to hear. To listen, to immerse yourself in for just a little bit. The past couple days I have missed Pete so bad that I found  at times impossible to breathe. As if the world or a giant has laid me on the ground and is standing on my heart. As if I were his step-stool to reach something. You could maybe imagine what that kind of pain would feel  like. Since music has always been so much a part of my DNA along with who I am. I figured why not have a song say, what I can't seem to write. I feel so utterly lost without him that my head feels foggy and too many emotions just swirl around and around and only thing that comes to mind is a song.
    Sometimes I can write my own songs but lately I have been relying on other musicians to be my words. One musician in particular that is so insightful with her words and how she writes songs is Jewel. The song I have posted on here that I hope you can view or link to is called "Violet Eyes"  However Pete's eye's were brown but his favorite color was purple. So it feels fitting.  The lyrics are posted below but please listen to the song as well.
Joliet, Illinois, USA
Rialto Square Theatre
November 28th, 2006

Lyrics :
It's been a while since you've been around
I'm drifting like a gypsy from town to town
I've been to France and Rome
Seen Duomo's glittered domes
Laid beneath Spanish summer skies
I've seen nothing so lovely as your violet eyes

Do you recall the turquoise sea?
On the isles off the shores of Greece
I've sworn I won't forget
Your exact smile when we went
I see you in everything
And everywhere I go,
I see your violet eyes

Seasons come and seasons pass
Time can seem so fragile as a looking glass
Oh, I know there must be something more constant than time
Cause everywhere I go,
I see your violet eyes

If I could write a post card to you
And know that somehow it would get through
I'm not sure I could express
This aching in my chest
I guess I'll always miss you
And everywhere I go,
I see your violet eyes

Seasons come and seasons pass
Time can seem so fragile as a looking glass
Oh, I know there must be something more constant than time
Cause everywhere I go,
I see your violet eyes

It was a year ago last Christmas
We spent in Hawaii
Laughing beneath the stars
Playing in the sand not snow
Laughing in the sea
It'll be a year this coming 4th of July
When I held your hand
And for the last time,
You closed your Violet Eyes

Seasons come and seasons pass
Time can seem so fragile as
Fragile like a looking glass
I know there must be something more constant than time
Cause at night when I sleep
I feel you all around me
I feel your eyes upon me
I see your Violet Eyes