Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Seriously, I think I am going crazier..

I feel crazier than usual. Lately I want to just erase him from my memory. Get rid of everything as if he was never here. I don't want to go to group anymore. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to grieve. If I erased him then I wouldn't feel the pain. I know though that I would still feel like "isn't something missing?" This is why I feel so crazy. Why would I feel that I would want to erase my soul mate. the love of my life. All the wonderful and fun and beautiful  things we did together. One of the best fathers ever. Without him I wouldn't have had Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo. Without him I wouldn't have learned the things I did. He helped me see things from a new perspective. And yet Because the loss and the grieving is wearing on me I want to erase it. Am I completely Insane? Then of course automatic guilt sets in. I feel that I am doing something wrong. If I was thinking rationally I would realize that it was just "another step in the grief process." (Lucky me)  The lack of sleep, the anxiety, the holidays, and the house and appliances falling apart and I guess the stress of it all are taking its toll.
  My in laws are coming into town today,. And I love them dearly. It's still just so hard. When I look at it from their perspective I have no idea how hard it must be for them to come here and visit our home without him in it. Maybe thats why I have such a hard time traveling back to where he grew up. That and the fact that it feels impossible to get anywhere with 3 kids. And I feel that If I am going to travel there I am going to do it myself. But back to his parents. Sometimes the fear of them coming is earth shattering. All those questions. Am I doing it right? Will it be up to their standards? the house is a mess and I am too tired and overwhelmed to clean it? and I feel guilt. Will they be disappointed.? I wish they could know that I am just trying to do the best that I can. and That right now. The best does not involve cleaning every single corner of the room. However,  It's also all the things they represent. They are him. His father looks just like him but with some gray. I used to be shocked every time but now it's gotten better. There is always an aftermath when they leave. In me and in the kids. It is getting better the more we see them. It's just so hard. It's hard for me, it's hard for the kids, its hard on his parents. Again Why does everything have to be so hard.  Sometimes when they come it's like we all just look around waiting for Pete to come bursting through the door yelling" Sorry I'm late, got stuck at work." We wait and it never happens. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Just scream until I can't scream anymore. But I don't ever. Not when they are around. I try not to cry. Feeling that it is a form of weakness.  Sometimes it's a constant clash. They feel that I don't know what they are going through because they have lost a son. And I feel they don't know how hard it is cause I have lost my husband and whole world. The kids have lost their Daddy and best friend. But I don't know what they are going through. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a son. A beautiful wonderful son!  I feel that I try so hard and then it goes no where. We are all grieving/ This time of year is even worse with his birthday being Christmas eve. I guess it just is what it is. Hard. And stupid that a young and healthy man passed away leaving his family behind. Lovely!
   Again if I erased it, I wouldn't have met all of his wonderful family. So why think it? It's so Damn confusing. I love him, I hate him. It goes on and on all the time. Mad at him for leaving. And yet understanding that his body wore out and he couldn't fight anymore. Mad at the world for not understanding, and knowing how are they supposed to know. I am not wearing "Widow Wear." Tired so completely tired of it all. Still I can realize that it's all part of the process. You have to grieve in order to get to the other side of it all. I confuse myself all day long. I wear myself out. My kids wear me out and yet they keep me going. See CRAZY!  If you have seen the Harry Potter movies I wish I had a "Pensive" I could just take out the memories and thoughts when my brain is too full and come back to visit them at a later date. Although I may never come back to those thoughts for years. Hmm maybe not a good idea.
  For now I guess I will do what I always do. Keep going. Pick up the house as best as I can. Keep chase Leo out of the cat food and water bowl. encourage the kids. Enjoy my time with his family. Cry when it's too much. And somehow just keep going. To keep believing that it has to get better, that it WILL get better. Have faith in myself and the crazy. And put one foot in front of the other.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Crazy Holidays and the Craziness they bring with them..

Too much crazy for one time. I mean really, even for me. I feel like saying OK universe thanks but no more. Thats it. I am done with it being so Damn hard. I miss Pete. I know shocker! Christmas was so insanely hard that I wanted to curl up in a ball and just lie there and cry. I would have to say it was the first time that I really really wanted to do that. That I could feel my knee's buckling right out from under me. Aryanna and Petey were right there and I thought "you know if I go down I don't care. I don't want to get back up again.
   " Christmas Eve (also would have been Pete's 39th Birthday) was not too bad. The day was fun. The kids and I along with my sister and her two kids went to the State museum. Where we saw Santa, and rode the train. Then we tried to make it to a family service that started at 3pm, we got there at 3:55pm. Needless to say we missed it. Then to my Dad's house for dinner and gifts. It was at the Christmas Eve gift exchange that I lost it. My dad had given my recently new brother in law a "leather-man". It was this gift that I had to take Chase Leo and leave the room. I went and hid, and stared out the window and cried a lot! Because this was the gift that my Dad gave to PeteThe first Christmas that we were married. It was another reminder that Shit, he really, really isn't here with me. Seriously, I know my dad had no idea that this would be hard for me to watch or be a part of.  Knowing him he probably doesn't remember.
   Once dinner was over, the kids and I headed back home. But by then it was 9pm and I was really tired. I wanted to get the kids in bed. And then realized that we forgot to finish icing the Santa cookies and I forgot to make reindeer food. So I told them I would do it but that we needed to make sure that we got to bed so that Santa could come. They were finally asleep by like 11pm. However it was Chase Leo that was the one that took forever to go to sleep
  Finally, finally they all were in bed and I called my brother to come over and Be Santa's helper. He helped put the toys together that needed assembly and to put the gifts out under the tree. To help me make sure everything was just so. He was filling in for Pete. He did a wonderful job. He not only ate the cookies but he also wrote the "Santa" note as well.  It was Christmas Morning and everything was great. Except for Aryanna. She didn't want to open her gifts she just wanted to sit and watch Petey tear through everything. She was cranky and I think in her mind she had hoped for her Daddy wrapped up under the tree. Maybe not. I do know by looking in her eyes that she missed him not being there.  I know that is what I wanted most for Christmas.  I wanted Pete with a Bright red bow and a tag that said I'm here now.
Eventually she warmed up to Christmas and opened her toys and clothes and wanted to play. It was when we started to get ready to go to my Aunt's house for lunch when things really started to shift for me. I went into the laundry room and what should I see but water on the floor. My washer was leaking. Not only was it leaking but it got underneath my new hardwood floor. So that in certain area's where I walked you could see water coming up through the seems in the boards. Lovely. Clean up the water. call a friend to figure out what to do. Put a fan on it and then started to cry. Lots and lots of crying. Chase Leo slept terrible on Christmas eve. I was awake a lot with him. So I am now not only over tired. But I had just finished Christmas morning with A, P, and C L. The kids were on a sugar high, Chase Leo wanted to be held all morning and I missed Pete so bad I could barely stand it. Then the washing machine leaked all over the floor. I had, had it!!! NO more!
  It was in this moment that I felt that knee buckling feeling. I was standing in the kitchen looking out into my backyard at all the snow and I could feel myself loosing my grip on reality. Like a moment of Serioulsy? We are still dealing with this. The moment of complete and utter realization that he was really and so very clearly not just on some business trip somewhere. Not in a hospital. But that he was in fact dead. And here I was. Looking around my house. At my children. And I wanted to just lie on that kitchen floor and take a nap.
 How envious I am of my children. They still have me. Someone to hold them and comfort them when they cry. Petey still has his pacifier ( I know, he should have let it go by now) He has his blanket. Aryanna has her pillow and her bear. To hold onto that makes her feel better. I want that. No, what I want is Pete. To hold me while I cry and comfort me. Yes, I have family but it's not the same. I want Pete. To bury my face in his chest and breath in the scent of him. To feel his sturdy body embrace me in a big bear hug and hold me while I cry.  but I can't have that. And it is so hard to face. To swallow to come to terms with. I need him. I need him to help me raise these wonderful and beautiful children. I want him here with Me. No more being by myself, No more being alone. This is not how it was supposed to be. I don't want to grieve any more, I don't want to be crushed by my own sadness. Enough!
  I am tired, worn out. over done, and fried.  It's 11:56pm and Chase Leo is awake again. It never stops. He is teething or has an ear infection. But he isn't sleeping well. Which means I don't sleep well. Which causes my grief to be worse and the anxiety to be worse. And even my somewhat rational thinking.  But then I haven't really slept in 13 months. Recently if I sleep I have crazy dreams that seem to impossible to figure out. There seems to be no amount of coffee or soda that can help with being so tired. It doesn't help that all I want to eat is Chocolate.  I have started gauging things by how badly do I want to take 3 kids to go and run errands.
    The holidays are just so damn hard. I feel  that if I see one more happy family I am going to shoot something. I have some to be one of "those " people that can't stand to look at married people. I loved being married. It's like I have a hard time hearing about why other people get divorced. Its not the same as your spouse being dead. You could still call up your spouse on the phone if you really wanted to or had to. I want to shout at people who just can't get along with one another " Well things could be worse your spouse could be dead." I don't mean to sound like other people's lives are not hard I just think that some things are worth fighting for. I suppose that you can't help it if the other person doesn't want to fight for it. Like everything else it is, what it is.
 I am ready to put 2010 behind me. To get on with it. I am hoping for a little more fun in 2011. I know I just need to jump back on the recovery wagon. However that wagon I feel for now, has left me on the  side of the road. I am just following it on foot. I know that I will catch up to it again. Thats how this stupid thing called grief goes.  But for now I feel his loss all over again. I miss him, to the point that I have no words. Once upon a time I did have happily ever after.,  I had my prince. He wasn't perfect. But I didn't want him to be. Where is the fun in that. I even miss arguing with him. However the question remains Where is Happily ever after? when and do I get to have it again.? Did it die with him? It feels like he took it with him when he left. I don't know. I hope and pray that someday I can have it again. And this man will love me and the kids and understand that part of me will always belong to Pete.    

Thursday, December 9, 2010

One Cray widow's perspective of time and waiting!!

I would say that lately there has been lots to write about. Just feeling too tired to write about it! It gets to be that time of the night when the house is quiet and all the kids are sleeping in their beds. Its just me and my insane and not so respectful cats. They really need a new home!! But that's another crazy story. I sit down on the couch with my dark chocolate in hand and think to myself " I really need to write about that." But lately it seems, that I just feel  I am even too tired to put it into words. Is it the Holiday's or just being over tired and worn out? Maybe both.
  I went to group this evening and it was one of those times where, I left feeling like I wanted to run out of there yelling and screaming. I feel that I have been having these moments of "is this really my life?" I am not just watching some one else go through this? It's really happening. I sit in group and listen to others talk about how they and their kids are just pushing through. The struggles of parenting children at a wide variety of ages. However when it got to be my turn. I talked mostly about the big "anniversary" and how we survived that. But I felt as I looked around the room That I had finally become one of them. I had hit the one year mark and the rest of them in my group understood and remembered that one year feeling. It was however one of the facilitators that I felt didn't' want to be there this evening. She kept looking at her watch and then looking at me. I felt like saying "am I keeping you from something?"   As if I was taking too much time.  I realize their are a lot of people here this evening, but why the watch. Maybe it was just the kind of mood that I was in. The beginning of Group didn't start out very well.
  Petey spilled juice all over himself while we were there and he was crying and mad that he was wet and that I didn't bring any extra pants for him. So there I sat with all these people looking at me. I mean yes, it was different than say if it would have happened at a school function. Because everyone here at group knows what it's like to have your  kid  completely freak out. But then he didn't want to leave my side. He had been talking about going to group for weeks. Even talking to strangers about coming. And here we were and he didn't want to go. Finally I got him to go into one of the rooms to color. And I waited outside for him so he could see me. He eventually got immersed into what he was doing and was OK with me going. But it was this odd sort of helpless feeling. I kept asking "what am I supposed to do?" Wait. Just wait!
  I feel thats what it's about isn't it. Waiting?  Lets hurry up and wait. Wait for what? To get over the heartache? To get over the loss? the sorrow? The utter and complete loneliness? The memories, the scared, the helplessness? What? What am I waiting for?  To feel normal again? Doubtful. I am not normal. I never have been. I don't do things in the normal way. But Why does it have to be about waiting? Is that how one gets through another holiday? Another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, by waiting? Is that the same as when people say "Well, with time it will get easier.  Thats what people say when they don't know what to say. and really I wish they wouldn't say anything. So, time and waiting!! Wonderful Two of my least favorite things.
   I hate to wait. I would say I am not a very patient person. Especially when it comes to something I want. Like I couldn't get too excited about having a baby until after the baby was here. Because if I get myself so excited about something, I am like a child it seems impossible for me to "wait." And when it comes to time. People who know me well know that I am never on time. Always late no matter what it is. You can bet, I will be late. Plus I recently realized that I can't look to far ahead in the future because it causes too much panic. Like The thought of Christmas Morning with my 3 kids makes me want to jump out a window. Thats' too much time into the future. So here I sit waiting to get a clue about what they hell I am waiting on.  Do people know what they are talking about when they say it really does get better with time? Maybe. The reason I say maybe is because yes, this holiday season has gone better than last year. Well, from the bits and pieces that I can remember. In some ways I feel that I am too busy to wait for things to get better. I feel that If I want them to change then it's up to me to do it. I can't sit around on the couch and wait for my life to fall into place. Time is flying by. Chase Leo will be 12 months in January! A whole year has passed since he was born. A whole year! And yet it feels as though time and waiting is standing still.  I don't want to wait for Aryanna to remember a time when Mommy was not all with it. I don't want Aryanna to say as an adult that her Mommy waited for life to begin. I want her to say My mommy took this tragic thing that happened to us and grabbed it by the horns and looked it int the face. Because whats the point in waiting for that bull to trample me to the ground? It still hurts. If I waited for that bull, I might still be bleeding. Instead of taking off the band-aide and letting the wounds heal.
  So what is it about time and waiting? I guess maybe I really do need them. To wait and be still. To hear God's voice guiding me along. Time to heal. Letting the wounds breath and scab over, to then scar. It's that scar that shows me and reminds me where I have been. That I waited for the bleeding to stop, with care and lots and lots of tears and time it healed. My heart, My soul. My children. We wait, sometimes not very patiently. But with time, our hope is that the waiting will have been worth it!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Riding the Crazy train..

Crazy, off her rocker, insane, loco, whatever you want to refer to it but crazy is how I feel. Don't have a better way to say it. I'ts like I was riding the crazy train full speed ahead. Then somewhere in there it seemed to slow down and I thought " Hey this new type of crazy is OK" now I feel that I back up to full speed ahead. Wonderful!
  For example who knew that painting one's bathroom could cause a sense of anxiety. It's just paint right? While I painting the trim I had a sudden thought come to me. " I wonder if Pete would like the color, that I chose?" Really? I surprised myself is all. Here I had been so excited to get the paint and picked out a new shower curtain, new shower curtain rings and even new towels. Some new hardware for the drawers and such. And I was now thinking "what would Pete think." Well really, Did I care? I thought I was changing the bathroom for me. Something  into a place of serenity. One place in the house where  I could be relaxed. And yet who knew that a bathroom could be so personal. I remember after Pete passed, my Mom got me some new towels and granted they were nice new towels. But my first thought was how could she. I don't need any towels, why would she do that? Then she got all bent out of shape because I didn't like them. My only thought at that moment was "I really don't need new towels I have some. And finally I told her. "These towels I had with Pete. He used these towels These Purple towels that he came home and after wrestling or getting ready for work these towels he used to dry himself off with after getting out of the shower. I don't want new towels, I want these towels!!
  Yet, now here I am a year later buying new towels and not wanting something that he used. I want something that is just mine. A towel? It's cotten. But I guess in this crazy life I need something that is just mine. A new towel, a new shower curtain, and new paint. That I like. that relaxes me. That I didn't share with him. Crazy? odd? Maybe both, maybe not. So I guess weather he would like it or not should it matter? Silly, but, I don't know. I would hope that he would like it, because he would know how much I like it. And usually he liked things that I liked. But he's not here and I am so.. whats a little paint and some new towels.  Just one little space in this little house that is mine. Where the kids don't go.  This bathroom feels different that say the rest of the house. I have new floors, the walls were painted last year right after he passed. I think in order to clean it up and get ready for the baby. And all the while I kept thinking would Pete have liked this color? Is this what he would have wanted? What would Pete do? I was constantly trying to please him even though he wasn't there. I was so raw and scared. scared b/c I didn't want to have Chase Leo without him and all the questions and the yelling inside my brain and body saying "You are supposed to be here!!"  The thing that I would tell myself with the decor was that I knew, I knew what he would have liked. We had talked about it. And all the things he had hoped for. Ti was those people that must have known too. My family and friends who came in and helped paint. and move furniture. Get out the clothes that needed to be moved in order to get ready for Chase Leo's arrival. And me who at times sat and watched it all happen. And at other times said. " I don't want to move this cabinet, or this work station, but I know it needs to be moved if we are going to have space for the baby's bed. Now as I sit here looking at all the paint and the decor, I don't think I could have gone forward the way I did, and had a baby if it had looked exactly the same.
  So maybe thats what it is now. I have new floors b/c one the carpet was falling apart. But also, I needed, and maybe the kids too another way to keep moving forward. So new paint in the bathroom. Soon to be my new haven. weather I will get to spend much time in there with three small children is unknown. But I will know that there is one small space in this new and old house for me.  The memories are all still here. But the new beginnings are creeping in, and the new memories, embrace the old ones.  So where will the old purple towels go, probably nowhere. They will still hang out in the linen closet for now. So that I know they are there. But the old shower curtain, the old paint and the old decor are gone. But in it's place is something truly spectacular and maybe just a little bit crazy.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

" The I don't knows, and The Crazy's!"

All of these random and crazy thoughts that keep swirling around and around. That, tonight and today have caused lots of anxiety and at times to sky rocket into complete moments of panic.  Feelings of "how did I do this before?" and " How do I get back to that?" Yet another process of grief. Today marks the one year of Pete's funeral. Why today seems harder, than say Sunday marking the one year of his passing. I guess because I had family in town and we were busy with doing fun things instead of focusing on the insane of the past year. However, on Sunday I can remember having these moments or thoughts. Like, looking at the time and realizing that this time last year he was "getting ready" and then remembering sitting in the garden under blankets. Looking up at the sky as twilight approached and watching the all white airplanes fly over me. Or then feeling the chill in the air and realizing that now it was dark and I was relocated back into my past to deciding that it was time to "let him go".
 and finally the most random and crazy thought of all. I was standing in my dad's garage listening to him talk about firewood and I was hold Chase Leo and the thought popped into my head "he's dead now". Talk about a moment where I felt I would just jump right out of my body. I just thought "abort mission!"
   Still I have had those thoughts today. Trying to reach back in my memory and think about things like "how did I get dressed?" And "What time was the service?" Things that I wonder "How did I sit through that service and listen to that?" I do remember that Chase Leo kicked throughout the entire service. And that I kept my head down the whole time. As if not to look around thinking that I wasn't really there.  I did think about going to the cemetary today and then thought against it. I said to myself "Why would you do that? Whats the point in repeating history?" Plus I still have yet to see the headstone actually finished. and Seriously, Why would I do that to myself? I know so many people find the cemetery to be so comforting. To me it just feels final. And he's not there. Why go?
   It's strange how in some ways I think that the days would be easier past this. Well easier isn't the right word. I guess it's that last year all the memories I had were of the year before and the things we did when he was alive. But now that it has been a year without him not being alive. There won't be those memories to haunt me in the same way. I guess when I think of last thanksgiving, and how horrid it was.  I know that I want this one to be totally different. Last year I wore a big red sweater trying to cover my big pregnant belly. I really don't remember much of that day other than sitting by the fireplace in that big sweater in a red chair and just crying and looking around at everyone standing around me with their red rimmed eyes looking at me. I remember that I had my aunts and uncles there and my sisters just made an arc around me so that I would feel protected by them and I could cry and no one could see me directly. I don't want to do that again. Even now as I sit here thats all I can remember. I don't remember what the kids did. I don't remember eating. I don't think that I did. I don't even remember leaving and going home.
   I guess this year will be full of the "I don't want to to that again." My wanting to strive to do something completely different. For fear of having anything that is remotely like that and having to feel those feelings. NO, I don't want that. The complete, and utter helplessness. And I don't want A and P to feel that either. I know though there will be moments of those feelings. But thankfully I can realize that they will be brief and not constant. So my plan for Turkey day, To maybe get a horse ride in. If it's not crazy cold. I got a new game called Apples to Apples and my thought is that I am definitely dragging people into a game of that. There will be no sitting around and looking at me like an exhibit at the zoo.
   I suppose these last few days feel like finishing out the year. The end of the first year of grief. The end of the first year without him. Not that the grief is over. But We did it! We lived, all four of us. The kids and I may not remember a lot of it. Thank Goodness. But we lived. We survived. Now, my hope for this year is to start new. Pictures and questions of what this year will be like. It will be crazy, but their will also be some light. Not complete darkness and feelings of never finding our way out. I feel that by surviving this year, I can now in some ways come to a close. All those feelings and panic at the beginning of "how are we going to do this?" "How are we going to survive?" and the "I can't do this with out him." have shown me that Yes, I can do this with out him. I don't want to. But I have and I will. And We did survive with lots of help, love, guidance, and Faith. And we will survive. So what does this year hold for us? I don't know. But I know, that it will still be full of craziness and grief, but, most importantly Healing and Love.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Crazy, Angry, and Fed Up!!!

Enough!!! I have had it. With it all. It's not just the grief it's my kids too. The tantrums, the crying, the whining, the spitting up. The hitting. the not listening, the talking back. Our bed time routine is exactly the same every night. and Yet Petey is still surprised when I tell him that he has to be patient and wait while I feed Chase Leo before he can get anything to drink. Because I don't want him to have too much liquid right before bed. I don't want to be up at 2am changing his sheets.  And believe me I have tried the whole lets have a drink before bed.. It still ends up blowing up in my face. Because once the prayers have been said and the kisses and the hugs and the giggles, and the music has been put on , he still gets out of bed and asks for Apple juice. Seriouly!! He just brushed his teeth!.  Then I am sitting in his room feeding Chase Leo his bottle, trying to get him to settle down and relax., Petey yells MOMMY, I want some apple juice.  I say to him "Petey do you see that I am feeding your brother? You are going to have to wait." Tonight it just feels like I might spontaneously com-bust. I guess you would say that I am having my tantrum in this post.
   I have heard that whole thing about grief is up and down like a roller coaster. (i.e."crazy roller-coasters)  Yes I am well aware. But No one takes into consideration small children and their grief, plus your grief. Then what? . And when you have a crabby, angry, frustrating day so do they. Therefore their grief and their crazy and all the constant "Mommy i need some chicken, mommy I want some yogurt, mommy I don't want to eat this. Mommy it's too cold, Mommy it's too hot". And on top of that, a baby who is teething and crawling all over the place.  Of course  while all this crazy is going on and I am trying to get everything done for everyone, I forget and trip over the baby!  It just feels like, enough!!
    No more. I am done doing it all by myself all the time. There is no one to come home at the bewitching hour and take over after I have had the worlds worst headache all day. No one to come and rub your back and tell me,  its ok. No one to take the kids out to play while I go and have a shower. Because ;lets face it when was the last time I had a shower. hmmm I can't remember. If I do it in the morning the baby screams through out  the whole thing. if I do it at night I fall asleep in the shower because I am so damn tired. (People I do take showers, I am just saying it's not an every day occurrence) . However it's all those little things that I took for granted before and now I really, really want them back. It's these times when every one is mad and I want to shout out loud. " Where are you now Roo?"
  Petey is now getting into his aggression as well. Thats a good time! What do you do with a little boy who is so angry that his daddy is in heaven!! Petey is usually a very gentle spirit but not lately. He is hitting the baby, hitting his sister,  and even hitting me. Talking back, and not giving a shit about the consequences.  He is so off kilter that I feel I don't know how to relate to him. He is crazy hyper and needs lots of stimulation. I know that is part of being a boy but when you add in the crazy aggression then it's just pure insanity. Today he spent most of the day in his room. Since he was so worn out from being in trouble all day he fell asleep at 5pm. It is now 10pm and he is here on the couch next to me talking to himself. Touching me. Do I want to be touched right now. NO, I don't. Someone has been sitting on me, climbing on me, spitting up on me, hitting me, pulling off my shirt , using me as a chew toy, and pulling up on me all day long. I am over stimulated. I know this may sound heartless and that I don't love my kids I just want.... I don't even know what I want. ( I know Shocker)
   The Fed up part comes in because we can be doing fine and then bee in someones bonnet and all hell breaks loose. The kids and I were playing in Aryanna's room just dancing and then Petey goes over to the baby and smacks his belly. And it's like Really?!  You would think that after spending all day in and out of his room for hitting he would stop it by now. I know again BOY! But still. Where is Pete to come marching in and tell Petey to stop. Where? OH right, I know where he is. He's  in heaven. Thanks.
  I keep thinking that this has got to be a movie. Especially with all the weird, creepy, bloody, and crazy things they come up with these days. Sometimes I do feel like I am just watching all of this shaking my head going is this my life? Like Ghost of Christmas past. or in my situation. present.  I am not saying that other people have not had to deal with the kind of heartbreak that I am dealing with. I know from going to Brookes place that they got through it. It's the getting through it part. Today it feels that my Anger and frustration are making me feel like  I am walking through sludge. I want the director to shout ok "Cut" cause really lets cut it out already. I miss him.. I know if I was thinking realistically, and other mothers struggle with these same types of things. Other stay at home moms who are always taking care of the kids. And I know their are Dads/husbands out there who don't come home and take over. Who still expect us to do it all. The different between them and me is that their spouse comes home. It's another Parent, another set of eyes, and maybe another set of hands.  I feel old, worn out, and tired. I am only 31 years old.
  I try to look at the big picture. It's these moments when I have a tantrum that I think, Wait, wait, back up. It's not so bad. Mothers who stay at home whose husbands travel all the time have to deal with these types of things. There are people all over the world who have lots of hard things that they are dealing with. If I look at my little life in this great big world it could be worse. However the pain is what feels so hard. The loneliness the heartache, the fear, the anxiety, the depression, and the missing him. Sometimes I think if he saw me now would he recognize me? I am not the same anymore.  To be honest I am tired of what I see in the mirror.
   I do realize the kids and I smile again. We laugh. And we love each other so much.. And we loved Pete so much. Am I mad at Pete? Sometimes. Mad at God? No not really. Whats the point really? Thats why it feels so crazy.. Why bother being angry? It doesn't serve a real purpose. I just upset my kids and myself in the process. It's the guilt and the remorse. And yet the crazy because I can still feel all these things and sorry for getting so mad at them and then a split second later it's like the tornado has blown through again. At the beginning of this post I was HOT. Now just tired and worn out.
    Back to my movie Who would play me? And what would happen in the end? If it's a movie and I can have it however I want. Then I choose For Pete to come back, But this time in a much healthier body. He will  burst through the door, shouting "it was all just a big misunderstanding, I am here now." And we would all run and meet him. He would hug us all. And right before I give him a kiss, I would punch him and say ," Thats for breaking my heart, but I never lost faith in you". Then we would kiss and the cheesy music would come on. Then fade to the credits.
     For now, we take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day. ( Thank Goodness)  Even though today was an irritable, and irrational, fed up kind of day. I know its just another step in the right direction. Through the grief and into the joy. As I look into the faces of Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo, I see my future. That we are all on this journey for a purpose. We don't know why, or for what that purpose is. We just have to have faith in one crazy day at a time.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Crazy Outbursts and other Realizations..

I do get tired of being crazy. And just when I think I may have hit a good point not to be so insane, I do something irrational and my grief gets the best of me. Yelling and running around the house mad at my son for dumping the worlds largest amount of water in the bathroom and then looking at me to clean it up. I give him the towel and make him do it. Where he decides that No, he is in fact not going to do it. Something in me snaps and all hell breaks loose. Where I pick up Petey hand him the towel close him in the bathroom and telling him with a few choice words that he is not to come out until the floor is dry. I then pickup the baby who also has been crying ( for who knows why) and go into my room to close the door and have a time out for being the insane and crazy mom that I feel that I am at that moment. Yet, lo and behold Mommy's door is closed but that apparently means nothing to two kids. So Petey comes barging in saying that he has finished cleaning up his mess followed by his sister waving a toothbrush that she got her's and Petey's toothbrush ready. It makes me want to yell "Damnit, I can't even have my own time out!!"
  These moments are the ones that make me so angry and want to scream and yell at Pete. Becuase usually what happens is that I have my tantrum spend a brief moment by myself and then end up on the floor sobbing. Aryanna stars to cry and then Petey. So there we sit on the floor in the kitchen with Aryanna on one side of me crying and Petey on the other side of me crying and chase Leo in the middle ripping orr my glasses. All crying that "we miss daddy" Then the guilt sets in. And tonight between tears, I just said "I am sorry you miss Daddy, I can't do anything to bring him back."
 Thats the kicker. I can't do anything. There is nothing to do. I was then later standing at the  sink washing bottles (surprise) thinking this isn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to live happily ever after. Not this. Not constantly being over worked, over tired, worn out. and being a mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no breaks. When the kids went to brush their teeth, I still sat there on the floor with Chase Leo and I was like "who comforts me? No one. Because the person I want to comfort me is not longer here and no one else will do. Sure a nice hug when I am so sad. But I can't call them and say "Hey could you come over, I know you are most likely in for the night and prob have your Pj's one and are snuggled up with your hubby, But I really need a hug." Thats just not something I feel that I could ask of someone and besides why would I want to. Because again in the end all I want is Pete.
  For some reason I feel his absence so strongly right now. Many things could play into that factor. But the main big one I am guessing is that the One year is a week from this Sunday. which seems odd because in my mind I have already hit the 1 year mark. I hit it on Oct26 when he went into the hospital. Why do it again. I know the 21st is the official day that hell began but really Why do that to myself?
 One of the things that Petey said while we were all sitting on the floor crying was that Chase Leo misses Daddy too. and I thought. "well Chase Leo never knew Daddy." Even though I know that he met him and new him on a spiritual level. It's that Pete never physically held him in his hands. And this makes me angry! It's that back to being angry. here I am moving along. got new floors a new foundation a new beginning. But also some very new realizations. Things like the fact that my heart will always belong to Pete. I have these random thoughts like "Well I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but.." But what?  Or weird things like thinking I should change my name to something else. Because I don't feel like my maiden name anymore and I don't feel like my current name now. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. without him I don't fit. I don't want a different name than my kids. But I am not a Mrs. anymore. This may seem like a weird concept to someone. Maybe the only people that can understand this is other widows. I have been trying  so hard to figure out who I am in my mind, and who the kids and I are now. What does this family look like? What does this little family do for the holidays? What is going to be our traditions this year? Because we cannot do anything the same! That life traditions, is over.
  Today just must have been my day to break. Lots of change this week. New floors. It's like moving but still having all the memories and yet everything looks different. I mean isn't that what I wanted? yes it is. But it's the putting everything back that makes it hurt so much. I mean Why put the clothes back, the pictures all that stuff that sometimes and used to feel so comforting. Now just feel like I am being strangled with the fact and realization that it will Never be the same again. That man who wore those clothes and the shirts and drew those pictures, is not coming back to wear his clothes and shoes. I took the shirts down out of the closets. His work shirts and favorite things to wear. They don't smell like him anymore. I remember I took down each shirt and smelled each one just to be sure that yes, they really didn't smell like him. I put them in a box at the back of my closet. So in case I get some Bee in my bonnet that I have to, know and put my hands on a particular shirt I can just go to that box and it will be there.  So much healing and still at times so raw and empty.
  It's hard being on empty. I guess that is where I landed today on empty. I know tomorrow is a new day. But for right now. I feel very alone, lost and empty. When empty happens then Anxiety comes in and fills up that black hole. and I feel that I loose my grip. and it's easy to slip into complete emptiness. However, I don't feel that serves me any purpose. So for the moments when Empty comes around. I allows myself to feel it. If I push it away it just keeps coming back, and then bringing more anxiety with it to fill up the even bigger hole.
     Its in these moments that I know I don't want to do that. Been there, done that and didn't like it. But to look at your sweet 5 year old daughters face and see two huge tear drops running down her face because she misses her daddy so much. It makes me want to drown in that abyss. It breaks me heart. And I can't do anything to fix it. Again I can't do anything. Hold them while they cry. Two weeks ago Petey finally borke down and I held him in the rocking chair while he sobbed over missing Daddy, how he wants him to come back and make him a Chocolate Birhtday cake. so we rocked and we cryied together. What else could I do? Nothing. Pray. I prayed a lot. I asked for all that is divne to come and surround us in love and peace. Soon after that he fell asleep.
  I think its those random memories that sneak in and catch me off guard. Like on a cold and rainy cloudy day we would all get on the couch or on the bed and watch a movie and fall asleep.  For Pete and I to look at each other and secretly laugh on the inside at how funny our kids are. Or it's that feeling that I had today at some point that no one really knew me, or "got me" like he did. I miss him. For me he was home. Not that A, and P and CL aren't but he understood me Crazy and all. For now all of these questions, and emptiness. The crazy outbursts and figuring out who we are is part of the whole process. For me I am always surprised when it creeps in again. As it to say "Seriously, I thought we had found some peace with some of these." And then it always comes down to that same old song and dance. I miss him. I want him here with the kids and I. To scary to look forward and too scary to look back. It's that renumbering to stay in this moment. Again just one crazy minute, one crazy moment at a time.
   Some song lyrics that remind me of him and how I wish he could just come home and say these things to me. Because Pete was my home...

Another Summer day has come and gone away In Paris and Rome
But I want to go home
Maybe surrounded by a million People I still feel all alone
I just wanna go home.
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letter that I wrote to you each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
Another Aeroplane, another sunny place I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home mmm..I've got to go home
Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home.
And I feel just like I am living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside When everything was going right.
And I know just why you could not come along with me
Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me.
Another winter day has come and gone away In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home, Let me go home
I am surrounded by a million people and I still feel all alone
let me go home. I've had my run. Baby, I'm done. I've got to go home
It will all be alright, I'll be home tonight.
I'm coming back home.
~ Home, By Michael Buble'

Friday, November 5, 2010

Crazy "New Questions"..

Alas, I have missed writing. I feel that my brain is full of too many things. I am having some repairs done on/to my house. Therefore I have not been able to write much. So many times I have thought or had experiences where I wanted to write but couldn't. Time and writing just didn't match up.  The interesting thing about home repairs, is that even though it needs to be done, it also brings up new questions and how much I don't know about fixing things. Pete did it. Something went wrong, Pete knew how to fix it. Didn't matter what it was, he figured out a way to fix it or install a new one. It seems that lots of things have needed replacing lately. I hear however from a home owners perspective that once your house gets to be about 10-12 years old things start needing repair. My sink in my Kitchen has needed new parts on it now 3 times. I finally broke down and bought a new one. My wonderful neighbor kept helping me out by replacing the same hose over and over again. And every time it broke I thought "Well Roo, now what?" So I would call up my neighbor and say, "So you know that sink you fixed a month or so ago, can you come and look at it again?" I feel Like I need to get that book "Plumbing for Dummies" I sure they have one. That way I wouldn't need to bug my neighbor all the time with the things that break in my house. Although I was pretty proud of myself because i got down my own tarp off of my outside patio cover thing. I know it's not called that but being a not so technical person I can't remember what those things are called.
   I am really looking forward to having new floors in my house and yet I do question or ask myself things like " Well, would Pete like it." And then I think " Hello, Crazy Lady, Pete isn't living in this house you and the kids are." He may not physically be living in it but his spirit is here. It feels like a constant tug of war with myself and emotions. The new floor feel like new beginnings under my feet. It will look like a new house. Yet the memories remain. I can't afford to move and I don't want to. I love my neighbors and the house. But  for me when there is change involved I get hung up on moving forward and feel like things are spinning out of control again.  I have to move things around, go through things and stay at other peoples houses, even the cats have to stay somewhere else. I can remember how much before Pete passed I didn't like being in my house. I felt trapped here. I think it was because I didn't feel like in some ways it was mine. It was Pete's. He was the breadwinner after all. Not that he ever made me feel that way. I just looked to him for the way to do things. I wasn't much of a leader I was more of a follower. I was just waiting for him. When I think now, he was waiting for me.  I feel now,  unfortunately I would rather be here in the house in this space than away from it. that now I am the leader and not a follower anymore. Granted there are still lots of things and situations that I find myself in and think, Oh My gosh I don't know what to say I don't know how to handle this. Like for example I didn't know who I was supposed to pay for the extra tile. I had asked if they could extend the tile in my bathroom out into the vanity area and when it came time to pay I was like ,"Do I pay the man who put the tile in, or go through the company. The man who put the tile in said "it;s up to you how you want to do it." I kept ho- humming around. I am sure the man thought I was more than crazy. I finally just said to the guy. "I really don't know how to handle this." Finally it came to me, that I had to decide. I did, not the man, not the contractor, Me. There was no one to ask. So I talked with the man about his beautiful work that he did  and asked him " How much was the price of the supplies?" OK "How long did it take you to put it in?" So between him and I we worked it out. Into what I think is a fair price. Its just seems like maybe something so small as figuring out who to pay, in my mind seemed like a huge deal. As if there was a right or wrong way. How was I to know. Never being a leader, or one to " make that final desc ion" because Pete was always there to do it before.
  Its these moments when I find myself thinking how did I survive before. Did I do nothing? I don't think I did nothing. I raised the kids, I did the grocery shopping, I cooked dinner. I did all the things I am doing now. (Well except maybe the dinner part..lol ) But now its more. There is more to it. I think as I sit here. Did I just follow along? And who was I following? I maybe didn't beat myself up as much as I do now. But that is my own fear getting in the way. I beat myself up for not being a good mother to my kids. That I am constantly doing it wrong. questioning and hoping that I am not messing them up in the long run. I recently had a dream about the kids being taken from me and I know that is my fear manifesting itself. I remember sitting on the couch asking one of my sisters after Pete passed before Chase Leo was born. "is there any way that A, and P could be taken from me?" They told me "No." Yes, this was a real fear for me.  Because there was some of my family that thought and had  hinted at that maybe I was and would be a bad mother without Pete. Making me feel in so many ways that I couldn't possibly raise the kids well, without him.  I guess I didn't realize that his was still somehow a fear still. I know many people  grieve differently and it's easier to lash out at someone. Maybe my family doesn't even remember what was said , or know how it would have carried over into still feeling that fear.  I think that I try so hard to see things from everyone's perspective and can only hope it was grief and fear that caused them to fell and think those things about me, and about the way Pete and I raised our kids at the time. But Now it's me. Just me. Not that Pete doesn't play a role. He help set the foundation. Because we were a team. But still. It's these hard and big decisions that maybe small to the average person. But, to me they seems big and overwhelming. My hope is that Pete would have been proud of the way I handled  figuring out who to pay and with how the kids are and are being raised.
   With new projects comes new questions. I guess that's why I wonder these things. Or I guess realized these things about the "old me" and now the" new me". because In many ways I am new. I am trying to view my life and the kids life without Pete. With the one year anniversary just a few weeks away I have decided the best way to go forward is to be the most positive I can be. To surround ourselves in positive and uplifting people. To be surrounded in love. I spent a couple days at the bottom of the barrel. I started to freak out on the inside. Full of panic pumping through my body. Like, Oh no what am I going to do. As if finally, finally realizing It would never, ever be the same. That the Pete I knew would not be coming home again.  To now realize that not only do I grieve the man, but I grieve the life we had.. That old life. I grieve for that old life and I guess in some ways that old me. I was so much more fun I think. Not that I am boring now, I just knew how to find the fun. maybe someday i will find it again.. I miss my wedding bands. I sometimes feel myself looking at my hand going where is it. It was just here. No, It wasn't. I haven't worn them in almost a year. But now it seems that life can't be all about survival anymore. It has to be about finding that "fun again". Finding what our life looks like now. Starting our own new traditions and new beginnings. And trying my best to see what that looks like. Trying my best too stay in this moment. Not 3 days from now. Not just wishing my life away. As if I am finally coming out of the fog and being conscious of whats going on around me.
   I don't expect it to change over night. No matter how much I want it to. But new floors, new life, new me. So much new scares me. But at the same time It needs to happen. That saying about ' You can't live in the past", Is so true. I can't stay there in the past. And even though looking head seems so frightful. That same old question, "how am I going to do this without him". I think to myself the same way you did it right after he passed.  New beginnings, letting go of "old fears, old lives, old self," It's looking into and for the light and love that surrounds us now. The friends and family that have, and do, and will step in and help in ways that will change and mold us for now and for the future.  I am still grieving, the kids are still grieving. And we so love and miss Pete everyday.  But now we are awake. And we Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I have to put our positive, loving step forward onto our new floor and our new present. With every loving, new step we take. We hold onto "our Pete", with the best crazy way, we know how.  

Monday, October 25, 2010

"Yep, still Crazy."

Seriously? What was I expecting not to still be so crazy? I have heard many many people say that the second year is much harder than the first year. Oh, how I thought these people were smoking crack. Unfortunately they weren't. Moving into the second year is in many ways in fact harder. Because, now I am conscious. Last year I was so numb and shocked I could not have told you which way was up. And now I know which way is up but I don't like it. I don't like it, has been my saying today. I would have to say that I cried pretty much most of the day. The sadness was so extreme that I thought " I can't keep this going" Like something has got to change. What? I don't know. There it is again the I don't know and the I don't like it's.  While I was crying today with Baby on my hip, I was putting away the dishes. And Petey says to me "Mommy, why are you sad?" "Because I miss Daddy" "Why do you miss Daddy?" "because Daddy is an Angel" " Why is Daddy an Angel?" "Because Daddy got sick" and then just silence on his end. Which of course made my cry even more. I finished putting away the dishes and realized it was time to get Aryanna. Petey was happy about that. We drove to her school I sat in the car line and cried some more. It was a bizarre cry. Always before I hurt. Like my insides hurt. And today was sort of a numbed out crying. As if I was finally realizing my life and the kids life would never be the same.
  Tomorrow marks the day that Pete was admitted to the hospital. It's the the beginning of the end. I sit here and I think. How could I have know? How could he have known? The beginning of some really horrible days. Some days of progress and of course, days of doom. Maybe it was a cry of knowing this is the beginning of some really hard days to come.  A friend recently asked me what I was going to be needing in the next few months. I told her I didn't know. Guess I don't know any more than I knew then. Its all the questions I don't want to answer. "What are you going to do for Thanksgiving?" Are you going to travel? No. I am not going to travel. And I so struggle with this one. I know that I should But I can't. I just can't see myself in this moment getting everyone ready and heading off on a 7 hour trip. I don't mean to be selfish. Or not appreciative. I just can't do it yet. Sometimes I think that is also another hard part of it. Not being able to describe to someone you love how hard it really would be to pack everyone up and head off to another state. Even if someone came to get us. It still would be just way too hard. I know it was no big deal before. But I had Pete before I don't have him now. Someone asked me "Well, are you ever coming back?" And I replied "Not right now"
   I don't want to think any farther than today. But just because I don't want to doesn't mean I don't still do it. I have to stop myself and "Just live in the now Kathryn,,Live in this moment" Isn't that how you get through it all?  Is that what I am supposed to say to the random person that asks me "What are you doing 2 weeks from now?" or "What are you doing for the holidays? or even "What are you doing for Halloween?" Can I answer "I don't know." Followed by the retort of "Yes, I still don't know." "I am trying my best to stay in this moment, Please don't ask about 10 minutes from now."  The hard part of this is that I thought I had moved past the moment to moment living. Yet I realized today, that I haven't. I guess I am back to those {Crazy Roller-Coasters} The funny thing is that as much as I didn't want to talk to anyone today. And just be left alone to cry. The more phone calls I got. From People I haven't talked to in weeks. My phone was ringing off the hook (except that its a cell phone, so Ringing off the satellite?) It was as if God, and Pete were saying " Don't go down that path again" When really I wanted to yell back "Whats one day?"  But I know if I think rationally about it, it's not just one day. Its one day becomes two then 20 in a blink of an eye. The fact, that I didn't want to do anything today but eat Chocolate Chip cookies. In fact I haven't felt like doing anything but eat Chocolate Chip cookies. Its like all the walking I have been doing is just to walk off all those Chocolate cookies I ate during the day. I can't think, I can't sleep. And when I do sleep i'ts not restful. I feel that I just run around in circles in my dreams all night long. I wake up to check on the kids, eat some cookies, then back to bed. It's amazing all my teeth haven't fallen out yet.
  I guess today was just one of those days where I felt abandoned. Not that I had been left my God, I know He/She was around and Pete's energy was around I just was so wrapped up in Grief that I couldn't feel them. Lonely, Missing Pete, and wondering how do I get out. I am done. I don't want to go through November. I don't want to go Christmas shopping, I don't want the weather to change again, I don't want to put up Christmas decorations and get a Christmas tree. I don't want to ring in the new year. I just don't WANT TO DO IT!!! But the worst thing of all is that I have no choice. I have to!! And I have to do it for A, P and C L. They need me to. And I will it's just that again, its so hard to. And, I have to, to get to the other side. I just keep telling myself there is another side. I know there is there has to be. I cannot do all this work and not have another side. I will not. I WILL NOT. Live my whole life like this. I won't. You all think I am crazy now. Then if there is no other side, I will be sitting in a padded room. The walls will be purple of course but padded all the same. Every time I think of November I want to either throw up or curl up in a ball somewhere with my kids piled on top of me. I don't, I can;t., I won't...But I will. I always do and will.
   I can now see how people go to bed for days on end during this time. I so much wanted to go to bed today. Why? I would ask myself. What would be the point? Crawl into empty sheets to sleep. It's not like I sleep anyway. I think thats what makes Grief worse and so damn hard. I am so tired. So, so, so, tired. I have no problem falling asleep or really staying asleep. It's the sleep itself. Its like I just cant get to restful sleep. I miss him so much. I miss him in my sleep. That it feels like I can't even sleep without him. Sure I have two children who sleep with me. But they aren't Pete. My Pete. My beautiful, loving Pete. Even now as I sit here crying about it. I think I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep.
   So I guess thats where I am...Still here. I still don't know what I want, I still don't know what I need. I take that back I need more help but in what or when I don't know. Today and tonight I feel I have no answers.
I don't have any thoughts of wisdome stirring around me. Just questions and tears. Memories of those long 4 weeks and 6 short years. I know that I don't want to be the poor widow forever. I don't need that extra big hug or that sad look in your eyes. I just want to cry, and be sad and just have you share my space with me for a little while.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Crazy Dates in time..

Dates are lets say silly. I mean they are just numbers on the calendar right? Granted not all dates are silly. Like the date on which your children were born, or when you yourself were born. Holidays and such, not silly. But it's those little annoying ones. For example Oct 17, 2009 Pete had a camp-out with Aryanna and Petey in the living room. Complete with smores and popcorn, stories and sleeping on the floor all night.  Oct 19 2009. Last year this was a Monday. The first day that Pete stayed home from work sick. Or Say Oct 23 2009 the day that MedCHeck told Pete he had H1 N1 and also the day I started Tamaflu. Oct 24,2009. Pete's honorary Birthday. Since his birthday was Christmas Eve I picked this day when we were dating to celebrate his brithday too. Oct 26,2009 the day he was admitted to the hospital because his oxygen levels were so low. And finally Nov 21 2009 the day he passed away . Also last but not least Nov 23,2009 the day of his funeral. Too many dates that seem to have too much heartbreak in them.
    I have decided that this year on the 21st of November marking the one year I don't want to do anything. Like I don't want Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo to know that this is the official day that their whole lives went to hell in a hand basket. We don't need to pick this day to remember him. Since we remember Pete everyday. And we miss him everyday. So why do we need a special day to miss him even more. Maybe I will have some people over for dinner but just as a get together. Not as a " Lets remember this is the day that Pete passed away day."  I know that some people would not agree with my choice. But, to me I don't feel that I am honoring Pete by remembering the time and day that he took his last breath. Granted everyone will know that is D-day but do we really have to talk about it? I guess what it boils down to, is that I don't want A and P to know. If my family and his family wish to do something that day I don't want A and P to be involved.  Lets all get together and be together, but lets not all sit around the table playing the "remember that one time." I don't know what I want to do, but isn't that what I am always saying. That whole crazy thing. I don't know what I want in this instant but maybe in the next one I will. At this point I say abort mission!
  Now as of the 17th of this year I felt off balance and very weepy. Because lets face it, it's been a year since he was living, breathing, and playful. This time last year I was 6 months pregnant. Sunday, and of course the days that follow have not been that great.  One of my best friends said to me "well You should count the days that are good, because you can pretty much guarantee that most days won't be great." I felt numb today. And the worst part of it all my kids feel my emotions too. Aryanna may still do great at school and Pete may still play well with his buddies but when they come home and we all sit around they know that something isn't right. It may not be on a conscious level but somewhere in their little bodies they remember.  The changing of the leaves, the chill in the air, and Halloween right around the corner.
   I remember that last year I had made sure that I video taped the whole "Halloween" cause I knew that when Pete woke up he would be sad he missed it. I got every detail. Until the battery died. I remember thinking later, He would never see that video. Along with many other milestones.
   I don't want these days to come. I don't want this time to pass. I don't want it to be a year. I was lying in bed last night and thought, "You know what it really is, It's that I am burned out on grieving."  You know people get burned out at their job and need to re-locate. Take some time off, and come back refreshed. Maybe I need that. Lets take some time off from grieving!! Yeah like thats possible. It's like when you feel that you have been pregnant for a thousand years and you wish you could just hand the ball of baby off to your husband and say" here, hold this and carry this around for a bit.My back hurts and I am tired.!" So, not only am I approaching the one year, but also I feel that I am burned out on grieving. Like, OK folks I am done with this one. Here you go. You take it on for a bit. Thats the thing, I can't take a break., I have to go through it. I have to survive it to get my "break". Can I just say that honks me off a little bit. I want a vacation. Wait no I don't. Wait yes, I do... No, wait. uh....  I can't take a break and I can't take a vacation, because it's too hard. The leaving, the returning, the aftermath. Why bother. I can't take a break, because I miss him to much. I am tired of missing him.
   I am tired of working so hard and still missing him. Fight the anxiety, work through it. Push it down push it away. Try to walk it out. Focus on the kids. Make a budget, stick to it. Swallow my pride and find help. Trudge on and miss him. Hold my head up. Miss him. Keep the house clean, clean the cat barf, change the diapers, take out the trash., get the car fixed. Be on time for school. Dr visits. field trips. Miss him some more. Deep breath, Push down the anxiety. Pull on the collar thats not there that anxiety has created. Finally stop the fighting give in and take some anxiety medicine to take the edge off. Miss him, feel that I am lagging behind. The kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off. Miss him. Miss him. Ache for him. Finally Cry for him. Weep for him. Love him, and miss him. "Why aren't you here with me?" " I know you couldn't stay here with me, your body was too sick" " But, I miss you." Do you know that? I miss you"   Take a deep breath, wipe my tears, and make lunch. Keep moving forward into the next minute, hours and days.
   Dates that seem silly run through my head and through my body. Like being punched over and over again. I am still crazy and burned out at my "grieving job" So now what, I ask myself.  I do what needs to be done. I do what Pete would want me to do. See the beauty in the vibrant orange leaves. See the wonder in Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo's eyes. Marvel in their accomplishments. Hear their laughter like music. Relish in Chase Leo's baby babble. And Love him for everything he was, for what he wasn't and for the amazing gifts that he gave me. Three amazing children and a short lifetime together.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Recovery is crazy.

Why is it that it seems that I feel like just when I am getting my feet back under me. Bang! Something happens and I feel like I have been thrown back into a wall. Not that everyday isn't a struggle it's just that everyday is a little less painful than the day before. I start to get into a routine where not every single second is my mind consumed with the fact that Pete is not right here beside me. I can wake up in the morning and not feel that horrible stab that he is gone. But I feel that I am back in the beginning stages of recovery, again. Again, again, again. Honestly. Recovery is interesting. because when one thinks of recovery it's like thinking that the hard part is over. People who suffer from drug additions or alcohol they talk about being in recovery. When I hear this sentence I think of being past the withdrawal section of detox. However when I think of it in terms of grief or maybe just in my grief. I think of it in the fact that I can now remember how to get dressed and get the kids to school. Have a new routine in life. Where the wound isn't constantly gushing  it;s just on occasion. But for me it's just when the scab is about to come off it gets re-opened again. I am back to not being able to listen to the radio or read a good book or sing certain songs to my kids before bed.  The logical part of me knows that this is all a process and that it;s not going to heal itself overnight and on and on it goes. However the irrational side of me is like OK damnit. I am done. with this. I don't want to hurt or cry. I just want to act like a normal mother. Well.. I know in my case Normal is stretching it a bit. Nonetheless I really don't want to hurt like this. Like a sore muscle that never gets better. If I could just walk it out and put all my weight on it. But I can't . It hurts too much.
  I miss so many things about my old life. Thats what it was my old life. I miss being able to just sing to Pete whenever I wanted. I miss the way he used to look at me. I miss heaven forbid cooking dinner for him. I miss fighting with him. It's not jut him the man that I miss I miss the things we used to do together. Sometimes it feels too hard to do them without him. We used to go garage sailing just for the heck of it. Get everyone loaded up into the car and drive around to see what there was to see. Sometimes we would just do a "drive by" only if it was a really good one, was it worth getting out of the car for.  Or even the way he would get so frustrated with me for not making up my mind about something. Where then we would end up arguing over lunch and he would just get so mad that he would say forget it and we would drive home and have left overs. It seemed on those days the left overs were actually really bad and we would have been better off going somewhere. But it's these kinds of things that I miss too.   Now that Halloween is getting closer it was Pete who always carved the pumpkins. Of course all sorts of cool things. Forget your traditional pumpkin. He carved Tigger and Strawberry Shortcake. I know the kids are going to want to get pumpkins but really I don't. I don't want to do it with out him. For one, mine won't be as cool as his were. For another it just seems wrong. He is supposed to be here. No take that back. because weather he was supposed to or not and in this case not. I want him here to do it. Thats the bottom line. I want him here now. Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo want him here.
   Chase Leo is starting to talk and he is big into Da Da. It breaks my heart. I wish he didn't know that one. I know he is just talking and it is part of the development but it hurts my heart. By the end of the day my insides are done and I want to shut my ears off. How horrible is that. I love his baby babble but I can't take it anymore. I try to get him to say something else like Ma Ma or La La or hey even Ba Ba anything but Da Da. And I can't tell him Please Chase Leo just stop..  Another milestone with out him.  I was watching Aryanna play the other day in one of those pedal cars. Pete and her put it together and at first she couldn't do it very well But now she is all over the place. And I thought to myself as I was putting it back into the garage. Too bad Pete isn't here to see her tear it up. I mean he is on a spiritual level he sees her. But I want him to see it with his physical eyes. To laugh with her and chase her around the cul-de-sac. To have him watch Petey hit the crap out of the T-ball. To see how much Petey talks now. Just how big they are since he last saw them. They are so big. And he is missing it. His physical body is missing it. His laugh, his smile. I want him here to see it.
   I feel the pain of his loss like it was yesterday. You know when babies are teething you can put origel on their teeth. Well I want some origel for my heart. Can I just sit these next few months out?  All the pain and the emotional rollercoaster. The lack of sleep. Goodness I haven't really slept in more than a year. You know that good sleep that all is well. I know parents of little ones don't sleep until they are older. But even then. Having lack of sleep because your baby kept you up all night is a different kind of sleep compared to the love of my life is gone. To no longer be able to climb into bed beside him. Now it's just empty cold sheets. Yet in a few hours A and P will wake up and wander into my bed and then it will be all of us in one room all sleeping and dreaming about the good ol days.
  Not saying that these days are bad. It's just from my tennis shoes these days are hard and these last 4 days have been really hard. I try to paste on a smile and act like the world is my oyster. But in reality I feel the ground has slipped again. And we are tilted on it's axis. Aryanna told me again that I missed for the second week in a row Show and tell day. Her day is on Monday. And I forgot again. Not that in my old life I was much better about remembering things. It just seems like a bigger deal now. I know, I am crazy.  It comes back to me thinking of my "old life". That moment when I realize that my old life is gone. Like way gone! Will it ever come back? Maybe parts of it.  Or m, maybe I feel that I am tired of being Crazy. a little crazy I am fine with but this over the top whirlwind crazy is just exhausting.  I can't have my old life back. But I want Pete. So I guess that leaves me with wearing my Bright orange shirt and running around in circles trying to figure out the " new Me" or The new Barajas family" and yet still constantly running late. So I guess some of my old life is still in there.  Which is what? Strong and not to be messed with? Yes. And yet all this figuring it out just keeps going. I want a break but I don't/ Because I know where that gets me.
       If I try and look at the whole picture I can see things about this "new life" that have been for the better. Which seems hard to say. How is being without Pete for the better? That part is still horrid. It's the other part that gets me wondering. I have learned a lot about myself and what I am made of. I now know what my family and friends will do for us in serous times of need. I think of all the people that I have met and become friends with it's these people who have changed my life.   As I sit here and think it through, it's not just the loss of Pete it's the loss of the life we had. I can say that that "life is over" And now it's the trying to make a  new life.
   This new life, is trying to maybe embrace and incorporate the old life and combine it with the new. I guess just another part of recovery. So as all of these new thought and ideas consume me. I realize there is lots of recovery involved.I cant go back, and in some aspects why would I want to. I mean I don't want to constantly re live his death. Pete and I were a team. And now that my half is not here why go back? It's that whole thing about moving forward. I guess I just thought it was moving forward without him but ti;s also moving forward and leaving that "life behind". Like the shutting of a door. Or how cliche' Closing the book on that part of my life. While it was wonderful and great. Its is not now. And I have to focus on the now. To save my sanity and my kids. I feel the light-bulb has gone off. Now I will just have to sit on my new realizations and think about the new crazy direction I am headed. Not that it will be bad, I am not saying that. Its the seeing myself in a new crazy life. Full of adventure, love, and remembering it was the old life that built the foundation for this new one that I am moving forward into.

Monday, October 11, 2010

A big Crazy event is no small feat.

Oh where to begin.  Saturday was an eventful day. Well the day itself wasn't but the evening was. The big wedding was yesterday. The bride looked beautiful and the groom handsome and the bridal party, Perfect! It was a beautiful day for pictures outside in downtown Indianapolis. The service itself was lovely. However I did cry my way through most of it. So many references of love and death do us part. How together we are one. How could I not cry. The love of my life is not on this earth anymore. The one I thought I would grow old with.  It was hard to watch two people so in love when I so desperately miss Pete with every breath I take.  In some ways I would say that I am envious of the journey they are starting together. As my memories flashed in my mind of our wedding day not so very long ago. Oh what a day. The most fun I had. A day that I will never forget. It was those moments in the vows and the words of Love in poetry, in the message, and in the music that at times I wanted to curl up into a ball and forget my exsistance . As if sobbing in the corner would help in some way. Please don't mis-read this into thinking that I do not wish all the happiness in the world to the bride and groom. I do! It's just that from my high heeled shoes it was heart breaking.
  Since my last episode.. I mean post. I talked of having too many expectations. since then I have decided to have no expectations and therefore. I don't have to worry about being disappointed or surprised. For example at the rehearsal dinner I was excited to get dressed up in my "retro outfit" and making sure my hair looked just so. When we got there I got to talking with the Matron of Honor and she told me that she had put together a video of the Bride and Groom together. I thought to myself  "Oh good this should be fun." But I think of my thoughts of having expectations and if I had know before hand would I have stressed about it? Probably. But by not being informed, there was no time to worry about it. And really, I was doing great through said video when the time came. Until it got to the part of  the bride and groom hanging out and being together. Then my dad came over as if to be supportive when really I was trying my best to hold it all in. This was about the bride and groom not some lonely widow.  He comes and sits down next to me. and that was that. The flood gates opened. I jumped up and felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I had to get out. So out I went. Luckily I was in the back so I got up and went around to the bar and outside to the patio area.  I stood there hanging onto the railing and looking up into the sky. I wondered, what was Pete thinking?  Almost as if he was standing in the sky looking down on me. What would he be thinking about? Watching  me stand outside with huge tears running down my face? Tears so big that you could hear them hit the concrete. I looked into the sky and felt numb. My mind was blank. No questions to ask. I didn't really even have the "why's" Just kind of blank and empty.  Eventually I went back to the party and sat back down at my table. My brother in law smiled at me and says's "you didn't miss much". :) So I then launched into my conversation of 'Does anyone know why the canal is a maroon/purple color?
  The reception was fun. The band was awesome. And the twilight party was fun as well. My sisters and I all sang Kareoke. and were each others back-up singers. I can't remember the last time I stayed out so late.
  The one thing that I did wonder as I was sitting at my table at the reception. I was looking across the table at my grandmother. I thought What does she think? What does it feel like on her end. To come to a wedding only 2 years after her husband had passed. Is it hard for her too? I would think it would have be, at least on some level. I mean yes she had more that my short 6 years with Pete. But still after being married for almost 60  or so years together. Was she remembering her wedding day, like I did mine?  My Grandmother looked lovely and when the band started to play she decided it was time to go to her room. When I stood to give her a hug. She told me I looked beautiful and that she was so happy I could make it. I thought What about you? Here she was with so many more years of life and marriage under her belt and I am sure she was missing my Grandpa and she was glad that I could make it!
   As with any big event that requires lots of planning and preparation. There is some let down after the event has passed. My Sunday was one of those kinds of days. My whole week before was filled with getting ready, finding a dress and trying to decide what fun and different things i was going to do with my hair. Really, how do I make a statement.  (lol)  I know that I often feel like I need a "break from my new crazy life" would be wonderful then when it happens` it makes it hard to re-enter my crazy life. I felt out of balance and felt the need to do something that makes me/all of us feel more normal. It also seemed like  a huge step back in some ways. I missed Pete and the kids did too.  As with my overnight,( Crazy Adventure)  and the after math  it makes me wonder why do anything out of the ordinary.  I wonder even now how long will it be like that. Not saying that I didn't have any fun. I did. It's just hard and the hard is where the wondering and the questioning  come in of weather it was worth it. I believe that it was. Yet another learning experience. Even though it was hard and fun. Sounds crazy. It was emotionally draining and yet physically rewarding. Because I did it. I survived and obviously I lived to tell my crazy experience.  A small price to pay for an evening of feeling glamorous. When the band started to play " I will Survive" I started jumping and dancing and singing and saying this is my song!! Because I will in this crazy insanity. This journey that we are all on. We will survive.
~ At First I was afraid I was petrified  Thinking I could never live my life without you by my side
~Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive, I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give
I'll survive, I will Survive!! Hey, hey.
~ Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. ~ Now I hold my head up high.
~ Did you think I'd crumble did you think I'd lay down and die, oh no not I . I will survive.
 One Crazy day at a time I will. Survive. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I will survive. and even more than that we will flourish. Hold our heads up.high, and remember and embrace what an amazing Pete we had.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Crazy expectations at it's finest.

`Another moment where I feel that I am completely losing my mind.  I think it's that my expectations are all wrong. Should I just go into certain situations with the idea that it's going to be crazy? Or that it is going to fail no matter what I do? Maybe I should just be more prepared. I mean right after Pete passed I always expected the worst. That the kids were going to be a handful and that I would end up crying at the end. Now They don't always seem to be a handful and I don't cry at the end. So that is an improvement. Although lately it does seem that they are back to being a handful and instead of crying at the end I just want to shout and yell really, really loud. I think that is how the experiences went this morning or ended up. With me thinking that it would all go well and then It didn't. Plus there were lots of frustration on top of it. Somehow I did not yell and shout!  I think my other problem is that I don't take into the account of how much time it is going to take us to get out of the door and into the car. Since today it was raining I needed extra time to find coats and actual shoes not just flip flops. So there in lies another frustration. To make a long story short, I finally get everyone in the car and off we go. with little argument. We get to our first destination and it is pouring down rain. Lovely!! So guess what everyone out! unbuckle, unhook, and Praise!! I have a friend  that meets me in the parking lot with an umbrella. Once inside the confusion begins. Who is going to sit where and what will we eat. Where to put the baby. Finally everyone is seated and eating and all is well for awhile.
  I was sitting in the restaurant and noticed a young mans sweatshirt. It was a Fighting Illini sweatshirt. As I was trying to wrangle all my children in one direction to leave. I asked the guy" Who in their family is a Fighting Illini?" And his dad answered" No one. We are just fans". But that he had some friends that went to the school. I said "really My husband went to University of Illinois. And they guy said" Oh, what year did he graduate?I was like what, "Uh... I don't know". I don't know? What kind of answer is that? I don't know when my husband graduated from College. Like I don't even know my own husband. I felt like so caught off guard. I had to ask my friend right away when did she graduated from college. OK so if she was about 21, Pete was maybe about 22 or 23 that would put him graduating around 1995. Well I felt better that I had maybe figured out. But I was still frustrated. Like Am I fotgetting this man. The man I married. We spent 6 years of marriage and 2 and a hlf kids together and I didn't know or remember when he graduated from College? Heck I can't even think when he graduated from High school. ( I know just count back 4 years) but still.. It just seems stupid. It feels crazy. How could I not know something so simple. I finally guessed a year and said" no I don't think thats right. He passed away when he was 37 soon to be 38 so I think he graduated before that. Then I even repeated to myself out loud. I can't believe I can;t remember when he graduated. I am sure this man was like, well this lady is completely insane. I just walked away mumbling to myself how that maybe I had a few other things on my mind, but that I should have known.  
   I feel Like I keep going over and over this in my head as if something about it will make sense.  Questioning over and over , Why does it bother me? So what if I couldn't remember, But I feel that I should have known some monumental piece of his life. At least remembered it. Thinking to myself " Did I know it before?" or "what else don't I know?" Or is it just that I have forgotten. Is it grief? or crazy Mommy brain? and Will I remember it again?
  What is it about rain. I usually love rain but today It seems that no, I do not like rain. Again with the exspectations. I thought my morning would go better than it did. I think it's that I am getting so used to and yet not at the same time (crazy) of doing things by myself. So When I go out places taking the whole crew It would seem to the on-lookers like a zoo is passing by them. However must they look at me like that.? What do you want me to do stop living my life?  I am glad for my frineds and the help that they give me. But it doesn't stop the on lookers. Today I wanted to shout to the whole restraunt that I do this everyday by myself. I am sorry that my kids seem loud and unruly. But on one hand they are kids, on the other hand, I only have so many arms and really whats the point of shouting at your kids in public. They still won't do what you ask of them and people are still loooking at you. So it doesn't solve anything. I just end up looking like an even bigger idiot than before. Facy that!
 Just when I think that I have a handle on things like going out and doing things with all of them. Wham!!! Something hits me in the head.,As if to say no you really don't have it all together. The frustration seems endless today. We get home and Chase Leo needs a nap. The cat has peed on the floor again and the kitchen looks like a bomb went off. I sit here and I question why so many of us seem to "play" the part of having it all together.  Or maybe I should question why must I have the persona that I have it all together. What's the point? I am a recent widow ( I guess not that recent anymore) with 3 kids all demanding my attention. I guess I feel that I have something to prove. That this whole thing won't break me. But Do I have to be strong all the time? And in that question I wonder is it just me having an off day? Feeling sorry for myself.? I never want to feel that "oh woe is me" feeling.  Why should I have so many expectations of myself.. the feeling that so many are counting on me not to fail. And I won't. I know that I won't be perfect at it. But I have more faith and belief in myself to not fail completely. Struggle? Yes, lots. But Fail? No.  Maybe in this process I am not just raising my kids but we are all raising each other in this house. Together we will learn to be a stronger unit. That we  will just bump along and do the best we can to figure it all out. I suppose that includes the frustrations, the expectations and all the crazy looks we get along the way.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Confusing and Crazy..

I feel that I have gone back to living my life minute to minute. I am guessing it has to do with the time of year. Plus I got a call last week from the cemetery saying that Pete's headstone was in and finished. That really jolted me. I felt in those moments that my world was slowly tipping over on it's side. Maybe not completely upside down but It was tipping and for now it was definitely not right side up. I felt anxious and panicked. Like "oh no, what now, what am I supposed to do.." As it there was something I was supposed to do about it. The conversation was brief very brief. Sort of like " OK thanks.. Bye." Once I got my wits about me with the help of a very dear friend. Who helped give me the questions to ask. I called again. And found out the details I needed. I there fore could pass them along to Pete's parents who were coming for a visit this weekend not just for the headstone but to see the kids as well.  I did know that I wanted no part of it..  As if to say "OK thats great.. here you go, you handle it" So that is what they did. They got the financial part out of the way and came back to tell me that it would be placed in 2 weeks. Why the cemetery couldn't do it now. I don't know. So I feel that just when I start to put my life back together they will call and say "OK the stone is in" Ahhh. Not again. How many times will my would fall over and I pick it all back up. I guess too many to count.
   The problem with the headstone is that it brings all those memories that were such a blur back into focus. They things that I wanted to forget and leave there in a blur now seem to be staring at me. As if we are having a staring competition trying to see who will look away first. I know that it will be me. Because I don't want to see. I feel it. I don't need to see it too. I kept having this vision of standing there by his grave with the plaque in place and then just lying down next to him. on the ground. Lying on my back with the sun blinding me in the face looking into a cloudless sky and seeing only blue. reaching out my hand for what? as If I stretch far enough I could reach into his grave and feel his hand touching mine.  My fear of lying there and never getting up. Yes I know. I would get up I have 3 beautiful reminders. But in my vision I just lie there. next to it. with the hurt and the tears. The pain of my heart breaking and the blood of it all seeping back into the ground. In this vision I would eventually stand and then look at the mess. The mud from my tears the blood from my broken heart and wonder "what will grow in its place?" Beautiful flower's that never wilt? A new heart inside a different woman yet familiar all the same?
  I don't know. But the pain . the emptiness. the horrid images of everything from the moment he went into the hospital to moment he didn't come out. All come rushing back. I have had this question running around and around in my brain recently and I keep wondering "when does surviving become living?" When can we stop the survival mode and just live. To take a deep breath and not feel that stabbing pain. Like the cut on the crease of your finger that reopens and bleeds every time you move your finger.  I have heard so many people say to me "Well , It gets better with time." I want to say "really, it does?" cause time has passed and I would say it is harder with time. The harder part being I am done living my life without you. I have done it for 10 insanely slow moving months. That in some ways seem like a blur.. and in the next minute feel like the longest 10 months of my entire life. I mean ten months isn't say that long. If you look at it in weeks it's 40 weeks that gestation in  a pregnancy. But 40 weeks is insanely long when you have dealt with losing the love of your life too early in your life. As well as, the after math of having a baby and raising 3 kids by yourself. being an only parent. in a life that you thought would always have two parents in it. It feels in this moment hard to even wrap my brain around. and I wrap my brain around a lot of things that most people don't understand. But this feels impossible. He is supposed to be here. He just is!
  I know personally I never liked the word impossible. Because It leaves no room for possibilities. And really all things are possible. They really are. Good and bad. I mean I never thought it was possible for Pete to die at 37 years old. I never thought it would be possible to birth our child without Pete right by my side. Yet in the same thought I never thought it would be possible to touch so many people with my story without even meeting them.  Or How many people think I am a role model, that is something I thought was impossible. Sure a role model to my kids. But to people who don't know me...well feels impossible. Because really I am doing what Pete would have wanted me to do. Keep going. I don't know how. But I do it. And I love my kids and I worry about them and I try to just push forward like pushing on a door when really I should pull it to open. That is how it feels when trying to go on with our life without him. Moving forward feels impossible, but it's not, it is possible.
   I think sometimes that I must be the most confusing person. One minute things are impossible and the next it feels that everything is possible. One minute I am fine and we are all going to make it and the next I want to lie down next to his grave and stay there. Confusing. But real.  I can't be accused of not being real because I dont know how to be any other way., I mean yes I am good at times of candy coating it and acting like everything is fine, that we are just trying to find our " new normal". In the next minute I want to pull out my bright orange t-shirt and let the world know  the kids and I are coming, Stand back!  Maybe real is what I have become. Not that I wasn't before. I was genuine. But I did a lot of hiding in the bushes. To careful not to let someone see me. Afraid of what you might think. granted People that say that they don't care what others think, on some level do. I mean we all do. Even me, in this whole thing. I think I just still want to be heard. Again confusing. Don't look at me, don't treat me like the lonely widow. But look at me, hear me, Write to me tell me what you think. take a closer look. Where's my orange shirt? But wait treat me like everyone else. I can't make up my mind. As Pete would say " and that's different, how?"  Because I could never make my own mind up before. I always wanted to know what he thought. Even down to what we were going to eat for dinner.  Now he is not here and I have no one to ask. Oh I know what the kids want to eat, but I still don't know what I want to eat. Thank goodness for only a few choices in the frozen food section.   yet I still want to know what does he want to eat. And I can't ask him. Instead I stand around thinking what would Pete like. I ask myself "why does it matter" and "does it really?"  The pain in my chest, the emptiness in my heart. Sit down. Minute to minute. Breathe. I must be crazy?
   Right now "our" world is on it's side, confusing myself and the kids. Waking up going "oh hell another day." And wondering " When does surviving become living" I guess for now i take it as it comes. Down my Hunters Orange shirt, for when I want to be noticed and a jacket for when I want to hide.. Keep the word Possibilities on the tip of my tongue. A pillow for the times that I wish I could "pretend to lie down"  Sunglasses to protect my eyes from seeing. . And always to remember that Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I will someday learn to live not just survive. That light is there, We will make the decision to pull the door open, walk through and begin again. To embrace where we have been and move forward, on to our next journey.