Monday, April 18, 2011

A little Crazy...

There are moments When the memory of Pete is so real, I could just reach out and touch him. Like today. There was a dad walking across the street. He was young, married. He moved in just before Pete got sick. I am  not even sure we even got a chance to meet him and his family together. As I drove past him, I instantly saw Pete walking across the street in the same manner. He was wearing his favorite khaki shorts and his purple polo. He was so close. So close.  I sat in Bible study tonight listening to a woman talk about missing her son, who passed in his teens. How she couldn't believe it had been 5 years since she had seen him.  It's in these moments when I physically feel like Pete could walk across the street any minute that I too can't believe this is happening. Like can't I just wake up?
   I sat down at my computer tonight with the intent of staying positive. Trying my best to see his life in the positive. To celebrate the man and not look at the life that was lost too soon. I put the computer on my lap and burst into a million tears. Sobbing, that I missed him so much. I am working at it. Really truly trying my best to stay grounded and not look too far into the future. Thats when the anxiety comes in. As if to remind me that nothing lasts forever. Even in this moment of sadness. I can take comfort, that it will pass. I can and do eventually stop crying. I do see the positive. And I do remember.
 My anniversary is next Tuesday. The 26th of April. My" friend" suggested we go out to dinner.  He said " Let's do something fun!" I was surprised, but grateful. Because really I had no idea what I was "going to do" That sinking feeling that "Oh no, another year without him has passed. Now what?" Instead, he is helping me to see the positive. Or what I want to move forward into. To celebrate Pete. The gift that he is/was. To look for the positive inn each day. And not the constant " Oh my gosh, this is what my life has become..." However Even though I strive for that I am realistic, that there will be moments like now where no matter how grateful I am that I am not in that place of barely surviving but that I really do just miss him so much.
  I go back to the "How can this be?" moment. The man walking across the street. The waiting for him to come around the corner..The wanting to just reach out far enough to touch him.. And it makes me wonder. It makes this grief this pain so real, again. All over again.
   I miss you Roo, Roo. I know, I always will. But I want to celebrate you too Roo. and I do, and I will. But for now in this moment. I really wish you were here...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Crazy Mommy tears...

Today feels like one of those days. Where it has hit me full force. He isn't here. He is not away on a business trip. My heart it hurts tonight. So many moments today were full of being mad at him for leaving me here. Moments where I realized just how little Aryanna and Petey were. How it's no wonder they hate hospitals. Since the last time they saw their Daddy alive He was walking into a hospital and never came back home to them.
 So many tears for him today. So many tears for the life that once was. And so many of those dumb questions and answers that go around and around in my head. "I would't be here, if he would have lived." Things wouldn't be this hard if only..." I know it doesn't do me any good. It just causes more tears to flow.
  Today, I felt like my kids were out of control. I feel like their being this way they are is my fault. If Pete was here to help maybe they wouldn't be so crazy. Maybe he could do it better. They know how to push me, until I snap. I keep thinking if, only I could spend more time with them and see them for the wonder that they are. And not be so frustrated with them all the time. They must think I am the worlds crankiest Mommy ever. So often people tell me I am doing such a good job. When I really want to shout.. No, you don't see us at home.  If only I wasn't so tired, I could read the parenting books, and figure out how to do it differently. They need their Daddy!
  Today, I just don't feel good enough. Maybe if I was thinking rationally I would see some really great things in my children. Or some really great things that I did, that they have in them. I just have "The bad mommy Blues" tonight. Feeling that I am not patient enough with them. And that i get too frustrated too quickly. Plus the missing Pete, and trying to figure out why I feel like I have lost him all over again. I know, I know. I just need to relax and try not to stuff the whole elephant in my mouth at once. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.
 Maybe it has to do with the changing of the seasons. I love spring. It's my favorite. Thats why I picked it. To get married in the spring. This is also the month that Pete and I would have been married for 8 years.  I don't know why I feel so inadequate today. Not enough sleep, too much grief, too many worries? I don't know. Over thinking and being too emotional or what so many men call "just being a woman." Thanks Guys! cause really what's so bad about being emotional. It propels you forward, it gets things done. Emotions change the world and break it all at the same time.
  Anyway, I am full of tears. They run down my cheeks, and dry out my skin. My eyes burn, my heart hurts. Feeling a bit empty and full of contradictions tonight. I want to go and lie in bed with Aryanna and Petey and hold them close. But I don't want them to wake up and come and sleep with me. I want to snuggle with Chase Leo but I don't want him to cry and keep  me awake. I want to breathe in their sweet smelling skin, but don't want them all to be on top of me asking me a million questions that I don't have the answers too.  Like when Petey says " Mommy, Chase Leo is calling for Daddy." What am I supposed to say to that? I don't know.  That feeling of wanting to be with them and wanting them to just leave me alone for half a second. These tears just feel like Crazy Mommy tears. crazy widow tears,crazy realizations tears, and just plain crazy.
 Bad Mommy? Good Mommy..ummm Too tired Mommy. Worn out Mommy. Crazy Mommy?  I don't know.. Maybe it was just that kind of day to let the tears that I so often have kept in. Grief, anxiety, Worry, rage and feelings of being inadequate.  Thats what you get when your crazy...