Monday, October 25, 2010

"Yep, still Crazy."

Seriously? What was I expecting not to still be so crazy? I have heard many many people say that the second year is much harder than the first year. Oh, how I thought these people were smoking crack. Unfortunately they weren't. Moving into the second year is in many ways in fact harder. Because, now I am conscious. Last year I was so numb and shocked I could not have told you which way was up. And now I know which way is up but I don't like it. I don't like it, has been my saying today. I would have to say that I cried pretty much most of the day. The sadness was so extreme that I thought " I can't keep this going" Like something has got to change. What? I don't know. There it is again the I don't know and the I don't like it's.  While I was crying today with Baby on my hip, I was putting away the dishes. And Petey says to me "Mommy, why are you sad?" "Because I miss Daddy" "Why do you miss Daddy?" "because Daddy is an Angel" " Why is Daddy an Angel?" "Because Daddy got sick" and then just silence on his end. Which of course made my cry even more. I finished putting away the dishes and realized it was time to get Aryanna. Petey was happy about that. We drove to her school I sat in the car line and cried some more. It was a bizarre cry. Always before I hurt. Like my insides hurt. And today was sort of a numbed out crying. As if I was finally realizing my life and the kids life would never be the same.
  Tomorrow marks the day that Pete was admitted to the hospital. It's the the beginning of the end. I sit here and I think. How could I have know? How could he have known? The beginning of some really horrible days. Some days of progress and of course, days of doom. Maybe it was a cry of knowing this is the beginning of some really hard days to come.  A friend recently asked me what I was going to be needing in the next few months. I told her I didn't know. Guess I don't know any more than I knew then. Its all the questions I don't want to answer. "What are you going to do for Thanksgiving?" Are you going to travel? No. I am not going to travel. And I so struggle with this one. I know that I should But I can't. I just can't see myself in this moment getting everyone ready and heading off on a 7 hour trip. I don't mean to be selfish. Or not appreciative. I just can't do it yet. Sometimes I think that is also another hard part of it. Not being able to describe to someone you love how hard it really would be to pack everyone up and head off to another state. Even if someone came to get us. It still would be just way too hard. I know it was no big deal before. But I had Pete before I don't have him now. Someone asked me "Well, are you ever coming back?" And I replied "Not right now"
   I don't want to think any farther than today. But just because I don't want to doesn't mean I don't still do it. I have to stop myself and "Just live in the now Kathryn,,Live in this moment" Isn't that how you get through it all?  Is that what I am supposed to say to the random person that asks me "What are you doing 2 weeks from now?" or "What are you doing for the holidays? or even "What are you doing for Halloween?" Can I answer "I don't know." Followed by the retort of "Yes, I still don't know." "I am trying my best to stay in this moment, Please don't ask about 10 minutes from now."  The hard part of this is that I thought I had moved past the moment to moment living. Yet I realized today, that I haven't. I guess I am back to those {Crazy Roller-Coasters} The funny thing is that as much as I didn't want to talk to anyone today. And just be left alone to cry. The more phone calls I got. From People I haven't talked to in weeks. My phone was ringing off the hook (except that its a cell phone, so Ringing off the satellite?) It was as if God, and Pete were saying " Don't go down that path again" When really I wanted to yell back "Whats one day?"  But I know if I think rationally about it, it's not just one day. Its one day becomes two then 20 in a blink of an eye. The fact, that I didn't want to do anything today but eat Chocolate Chip cookies. In fact I haven't felt like doing anything but eat Chocolate Chip cookies. Its like all the walking I have been doing is just to walk off all those Chocolate cookies I ate during the day. I can't think, I can't sleep. And when I do sleep i'ts not restful. I feel that I just run around in circles in my dreams all night long. I wake up to check on the kids, eat some cookies, then back to bed. It's amazing all my teeth haven't fallen out yet.
  I guess today was just one of those days where I felt abandoned. Not that I had been left my God, I know He/She was around and Pete's energy was around I just was so wrapped up in Grief that I couldn't feel them. Lonely, Missing Pete, and wondering how do I get out. I am done. I don't want to go through November. I don't want to go Christmas shopping, I don't want the weather to change again, I don't want to put up Christmas decorations and get a Christmas tree. I don't want to ring in the new year. I just don't WANT TO DO IT!!! But the worst thing of all is that I have no choice. I have to!! And I have to do it for A, P and C L. They need me to. And I will it's just that again, its so hard to. And, I have to, to get to the other side. I just keep telling myself there is another side. I know there is there has to be. I cannot do all this work and not have another side. I will not. I WILL NOT. Live my whole life like this. I won't. You all think I am crazy now. Then if there is no other side, I will be sitting in a padded room. The walls will be purple of course but padded all the same. Every time I think of November I want to either throw up or curl up in a ball somewhere with my kids piled on top of me. I don't, I can;t., I won't...But I will. I always do and will.
   I can now see how people go to bed for days on end during this time. I so much wanted to go to bed today. Why? I would ask myself. What would be the point? Crawl into empty sheets to sleep. It's not like I sleep anyway. I think thats what makes Grief worse and so damn hard. I am so tired. So, so, so, tired. I have no problem falling asleep or really staying asleep. It's the sleep itself. Its like I just cant get to restful sleep. I miss him so much. I miss him in my sleep. That it feels like I can't even sleep without him. Sure I have two children who sleep with me. But they aren't Pete. My Pete. My beautiful, loving Pete. Even now as I sit here crying about it. I think I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep.
   So I guess thats where I am...Still here. I still don't know what I want, I still don't know what I need. I take that back I need more help but in what or when I don't know. Today and tonight I feel I have no answers.
I don't have any thoughts of wisdome stirring around me. Just questions and tears. Memories of those long 4 weeks and 6 short years. I know that I don't want to be the poor widow forever. I don't need that extra big hug or that sad look in your eyes. I just want to cry, and be sad and just have you share my space with me for a little while.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Crazy Dates in time..

Dates are lets say silly. I mean they are just numbers on the calendar right? Granted not all dates are silly. Like the date on which your children were born, or when you yourself were born. Holidays and such, not silly. But it's those little annoying ones. For example Oct 17, 2009 Pete had a camp-out with Aryanna and Petey in the living room. Complete with smores and popcorn, stories and sleeping on the floor all night.  Oct 19 2009. Last year this was a Monday. The first day that Pete stayed home from work sick. Or Say Oct 23 2009 the day that MedCHeck told Pete he had H1 N1 and also the day I started Tamaflu. Oct 24,2009. Pete's honorary Birthday. Since his birthday was Christmas Eve I picked this day when we were dating to celebrate his brithday too. Oct 26,2009 the day he was admitted to the hospital because his oxygen levels were so low. And finally Nov 21 2009 the day he passed away . Also last but not least Nov 23,2009 the day of his funeral. Too many dates that seem to have too much heartbreak in them.
    I have decided that this year on the 21st of November marking the one year I don't want to do anything. Like I don't want Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo to know that this is the official day that their whole lives went to hell in a hand basket. We don't need to pick this day to remember him. Since we remember Pete everyday. And we miss him everyday. So why do we need a special day to miss him even more. Maybe I will have some people over for dinner but just as a get together. Not as a " Lets remember this is the day that Pete passed away day."  I know that some people would not agree with my choice. But, to me I don't feel that I am honoring Pete by remembering the time and day that he took his last breath. Granted everyone will know that is D-day but do we really have to talk about it? I guess what it boils down to, is that I don't want A and P to know. If my family and his family wish to do something that day I don't want A and P to be involved.  Lets all get together and be together, but lets not all sit around the table playing the "remember that one time." I don't know what I want to do, but isn't that what I am always saying. That whole crazy thing. I don't know what I want in this instant but maybe in the next one I will. At this point I say abort mission!
  Now as of the 17th of this year I felt off balance and very weepy. Because lets face it, it's been a year since he was living, breathing, and playful. This time last year I was 6 months pregnant. Sunday, and of course the days that follow have not been that great.  One of my best friends said to me "well You should count the days that are good, because you can pretty much guarantee that most days won't be great." I felt numb today. And the worst part of it all my kids feel my emotions too. Aryanna may still do great at school and Pete may still play well with his buddies but when they come home and we all sit around they know that something isn't right. It may not be on a conscious level but somewhere in their little bodies they remember.  The changing of the leaves, the chill in the air, and Halloween right around the corner.
   I remember that last year I had made sure that I video taped the whole "Halloween" cause I knew that when Pete woke up he would be sad he missed it. I got every detail. Until the battery died. I remember thinking later, He would never see that video. Along with many other milestones.
   I don't want these days to come. I don't want this time to pass. I don't want it to be a year. I was lying in bed last night and thought, "You know what it really is, It's that I am burned out on grieving."  You know people get burned out at their job and need to re-locate. Take some time off, and come back refreshed. Maybe I need that. Lets take some time off from grieving!! Yeah like thats possible. It's like when you feel that you have been pregnant for a thousand years and you wish you could just hand the ball of baby off to your husband and say" here, hold this and carry this around for a bit.My back hurts and I am tired.!" So, not only am I approaching the one year, but also I feel that I am burned out on grieving. Like, OK folks I am done with this one. Here you go. You take it on for a bit. Thats the thing, I can't take a break., I have to go through it. I have to survive it to get my "break". Can I just say that honks me off a little bit. I want a vacation. Wait no I don't. Wait yes, I do... No, wait. uh....  I can't take a break and I can't take a vacation, because it's too hard. The leaving, the returning, the aftermath. Why bother. I can't take a break, because I miss him to much. I am tired of missing him.
   I am tired of working so hard and still missing him. Fight the anxiety, work through it. Push it down push it away. Try to walk it out. Focus on the kids. Make a budget, stick to it. Swallow my pride and find help. Trudge on and miss him. Hold my head up. Miss him. Keep the house clean, clean the cat barf, change the diapers, take out the trash., get the car fixed. Be on time for school. Dr visits. field trips. Miss him some more. Deep breath, Push down the anxiety. Pull on the collar thats not there that anxiety has created. Finally stop the fighting give in and take some anxiety medicine to take the edge off. Miss him, feel that I am lagging behind. The kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off. Miss him. Miss him. Ache for him. Finally Cry for him. Weep for him. Love him, and miss him. "Why aren't you here with me?" " I know you couldn't stay here with me, your body was too sick" " But, I miss you." Do you know that? I miss you"   Take a deep breath, wipe my tears, and make lunch. Keep moving forward into the next minute, hours and days.
   Dates that seem silly run through my head and through my body. Like being punched over and over again. I am still crazy and burned out at my "grieving job" So now what, I ask myself.  I do what needs to be done. I do what Pete would want me to do. See the beauty in the vibrant orange leaves. See the wonder in Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo's eyes. Marvel in their accomplishments. Hear their laughter like music. Relish in Chase Leo's baby babble. And Love him for everything he was, for what he wasn't and for the amazing gifts that he gave me. Three amazing children and a short lifetime together.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Recovery is crazy.

Why is it that it seems that I feel like just when I am getting my feet back under me. Bang! Something happens and I feel like I have been thrown back into a wall. Not that everyday isn't a struggle it's just that everyday is a little less painful than the day before. I start to get into a routine where not every single second is my mind consumed with the fact that Pete is not right here beside me. I can wake up in the morning and not feel that horrible stab that he is gone. But I feel that I am back in the beginning stages of recovery, again. Again, again, again. Honestly. Recovery is interesting. because when one thinks of recovery it's like thinking that the hard part is over. People who suffer from drug additions or alcohol they talk about being in recovery. When I hear this sentence I think of being past the withdrawal section of detox. However when I think of it in terms of grief or maybe just in my grief. I think of it in the fact that I can now remember how to get dressed and get the kids to school. Have a new routine in life. Where the wound isn't constantly gushing  it;s just on occasion. But for me it's just when the scab is about to come off it gets re-opened again. I am back to not being able to listen to the radio or read a good book or sing certain songs to my kids before bed.  The logical part of me knows that this is all a process and that it;s not going to heal itself overnight and on and on it goes. However the irrational side of me is like OK damnit. I am done. with this. I don't want to hurt or cry. I just want to act like a normal mother. Well.. I know in my case Normal is stretching it a bit. Nonetheless I really don't want to hurt like this. Like a sore muscle that never gets better. If I could just walk it out and put all my weight on it. But I can't . It hurts too much.
  I miss so many things about my old life. Thats what it was my old life. I miss being able to just sing to Pete whenever I wanted. I miss the way he used to look at me. I miss heaven forbid cooking dinner for him. I miss fighting with him. It's not jut him the man that I miss I miss the things we used to do together. Sometimes it feels too hard to do them without him. We used to go garage sailing just for the heck of it. Get everyone loaded up into the car and drive around to see what there was to see. Sometimes we would just do a "drive by" only if it was a really good one, was it worth getting out of the car for.  Or even the way he would get so frustrated with me for not making up my mind about something. Where then we would end up arguing over lunch and he would just get so mad that he would say forget it and we would drive home and have left overs. It seemed on those days the left overs were actually really bad and we would have been better off going somewhere. But it's these kinds of things that I miss too.   Now that Halloween is getting closer it was Pete who always carved the pumpkins. Of course all sorts of cool things. Forget your traditional pumpkin. He carved Tigger and Strawberry Shortcake. I know the kids are going to want to get pumpkins but really I don't. I don't want to do it with out him. For one, mine won't be as cool as his were. For another it just seems wrong. He is supposed to be here. No take that back. because weather he was supposed to or not and in this case not. I want him here to do it. Thats the bottom line. I want him here now. Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo want him here.
   Chase Leo is starting to talk and he is big into Da Da. It breaks my heart. I wish he didn't know that one. I know he is just talking and it is part of the development but it hurts my heart. By the end of the day my insides are done and I want to shut my ears off. How horrible is that. I love his baby babble but I can't take it anymore. I try to get him to say something else like Ma Ma or La La or hey even Ba Ba anything but Da Da. And I can't tell him Please Chase Leo just stop..  Another milestone with out him.  I was watching Aryanna play the other day in one of those pedal cars. Pete and her put it together and at first she couldn't do it very well But now she is all over the place. And I thought to myself as I was putting it back into the garage. Too bad Pete isn't here to see her tear it up. I mean he is on a spiritual level he sees her. But I want him to see it with his physical eyes. To laugh with her and chase her around the cul-de-sac. To have him watch Petey hit the crap out of the T-ball. To see how much Petey talks now. Just how big they are since he last saw them. They are so big. And he is missing it. His physical body is missing it. His laugh, his smile. I want him here to see it.
   I feel the pain of his loss like it was yesterday. You know when babies are teething you can put origel on their teeth. Well I want some origel for my heart. Can I just sit these next few months out?  All the pain and the emotional rollercoaster. The lack of sleep. Goodness I haven't really slept in more than a year. You know that good sleep that all is well. I know parents of little ones don't sleep until they are older. But even then. Having lack of sleep because your baby kept you up all night is a different kind of sleep compared to the love of my life is gone. To no longer be able to climb into bed beside him. Now it's just empty cold sheets. Yet in a few hours A and P will wake up and wander into my bed and then it will be all of us in one room all sleeping and dreaming about the good ol days.
  Not saying that these days are bad. It's just from my tennis shoes these days are hard and these last 4 days have been really hard. I try to paste on a smile and act like the world is my oyster. But in reality I feel the ground has slipped again. And we are tilted on it's axis. Aryanna told me again that I missed for the second week in a row Show and tell day. Her day is on Monday. And I forgot again. Not that in my old life I was much better about remembering things. It just seems like a bigger deal now. I know, I am crazy.  It comes back to me thinking of my "old life". That moment when I realize that my old life is gone. Like way gone! Will it ever come back? Maybe parts of it.  Or m, maybe I feel that I am tired of being Crazy. a little crazy I am fine with but this over the top whirlwind crazy is just exhausting.  I can't have my old life back. But I want Pete. So I guess that leaves me with wearing my Bright orange shirt and running around in circles trying to figure out the " new Me" or The new Barajas family" and yet still constantly running late. So I guess some of my old life is still in there.  Which is what? Strong and not to be messed with? Yes. And yet all this figuring it out just keeps going. I want a break but I don't/ Because I know where that gets me.
       If I try and look at the whole picture I can see things about this "new life" that have been for the better. Which seems hard to say. How is being without Pete for the better? That part is still horrid. It's the other part that gets me wondering. I have learned a lot about myself and what I am made of. I now know what my family and friends will do for us in serous times of need. I think of all the people that I have met and become friends with it's these people who have changed my life.   As I sit here and think it through, it's not just the loss of Pete it's the loss of the life we had. I can say that that "life is over" And now it's the trying to make a  new life.
   This new life, is trying to maybe embrace and incorporate the old life and combine it with the new. I guess just another part of recovery. So as all of these new thought and ideas consume me. I realize there is lots of recovery involved.I cant go back, and in some aspects why would I want to. I mean I don't want to constantly re live his death. Pete and I were a team. And now that my half is not here why go back? It's that whole thing about moving forward. I guess I just thought it was moving forward without him but ti;s also moving forward and leaving that "life behind". Like the shutting of a door. Or how cliche' Closing the book on that part of my life. While it was wonderful and great. Its is not now. And I have to focus on the now. To save my sanity and my kids. I feel the light-bulb has gone off. Now I will just have to sit on my new realizations and think about the new crazy direction I am headed. Not that it will be bad, I am not saying that. Its the seeing myself in a new crazy life. Full of adventure, love, and remembering it was the old life that built the foundation for this new one that I am moving forward into.

Monday, October 11, 2010

A big Crazy event is no small feat.

Oh where to begin.  Saturday was an eventful day. Well the day itself wasn't but the evening was. The big wedding was yesterday. The bride looked beautiful and the groom handsome and the bridal party, Perfect! It was a beautiful day for pictures outside in downtown Indianapolis. The service itself was lovely. However I did cry my way through most of it. So many references of love and death do us part. How together we are one. How could I not cry. The love of my life is not on this earth anymore. The one I thought I would grow old with.  It was hard to watch two people so in love when I so desperately miss Pete with every breath I take.  In some ways I would say that I am envious of the journey they are starting together. As my memories flashed in my mind of our wedding day not so very long ago. Oh what a day. The most fun I had. A day that I will never forget. It was those moments in the vows and the words of Love in poetry, in the message, and in the music that at times I wanted to curl up into a ball and forget my exsistance . As if sobbing in the corner would help in some way. Please don't mis-read this into thinking that I do not wish all the happiness in the world to the bride and groom. I do! It's just that from my high heeled shoes it was heart breaking.
  Since my last episode.. I mean post. I talked of having too many expectations. since then I have decided to have no expectations and therefore. I don't have to worry about being disappointed or surprised. For example at the rehearsal dinner I was excited to get dressed up in my "retro outfit" and making sure my hair looked just so. When we got there I got to talking with the Matron of Honor and she told me that she had put together a video of the Bride and Groom together. I thought to myself  "Oh good this should be fun." But I think of my thoughts of having expectations and if I had know before hand would I have stressed about it? Probably. But by not being informed, there was no time to worry about it. And really, I was doing great through said video when the time came. Until it got to the part of  the bride and groom hanging out and being together. Then my dad came over as if to be supportive when really I was trying my best to hold it all in. This was about the bride and groom not some lonely widow.  He comes and sits down next to me. and that was that. The flood gates opened. I jumped up and felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I had to get out. So out I went. Luckily I was in the back so I got up and went around to the bar and outside to the patio area.  I stood there hanging onto the railing and looking up into the sky. I wondered, what was Pete thinking?  Almost as if he was standing in the sky looking down on me. What would he be thinking about? Watching  me stand outside with huge tears running down my face? Tears so big that you could hear them hit the concrete. I looked into the sky and felt numb. My mind was blank. No questions to ask. I didn't really even have the "why's" Just kind of blank and empty.  Eventually I went back to the party and sat back down at my table. My brother in law smiled at me and says's "you didn't miss much". :) So I then launched into my conversation of 'Does anyone know why the canal is a maroon/purple color?
  The reception was fun. The band was awesome. And the twilight party was fun as well. My sisters and I all sang Kareoke. and were each others back-up singers. I can't remember the last time I stayed out so late.
  The one thing that I did wonder as I was sitting at my table at the reception. I was looking across the table at my grandmother. I thought What does she think? What does it feel like on her end. To come to a wedding only 2 years after her husband had passed. Is it hard for her too? I would think it would have be, at least on some level. I mean yes she had more that my short 6 years with Pete. But still after being married for almost 60  or so years together. Was she remembering her wedding day, like I did mine?  My Grandmother looked lovely and when the band started to play she decided it was time to go to her room. When I stood to give her a hug. She told me I looked beautiful and that she was so happy I could make it. I thought What about you? Here she was with so many more years of life and marriage under her belt and I am sure she was missing my Grandpa and she was glad that I could make it!
   As with any big event that requires lots of planning and preparation. There is some let down after the event has passed. My Sunday was one of those kinds of days. My whole week before was filled with getting ready, finding a dress and trying to decide what fun and different things i was going to do with my hair. Really, how do I make a statement.  (lol)  I know that I often feel like I need a "break from my new crazy life" would be wonderful then when it happens` it makes it hard to re-enter my crazy life. I felt out of balance and felt the need to do something that makes me/all of us feel more normal. It also seemed like  a huge step back in some ways. I missed Pete and the kids did too.  As with my overnight,( Crazy Adventure)  and the after math  it makes me wonder why do anything out of the ordinary.  I wonder even now how long will it be like that. Not saying that I didn't have any fun. I did. It's just hard and the hard is where the wondering and the questioning  come in of weather it was worth it. I believe that it was. Yet another learning experience. Even though it was hard and fun. Sounds crazy. It was emotionally draining and yet physically rewarding. Because I did it. I survived and obviously I lived to tell my crazy experience.  A small price to pay for an evening of feeling glamorous. When the band started to play " I will Survive" I started jumping and dancing and singing and saying this is my song!! Because I will in this crazy insanity. This journey that we are all on. We will survive.
~ At First I was afraid I was petrified  Thinking I could never live my life without you by my side
~Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive, I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give
I'll survive, I will Survive!! Hey, hey.
~ Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. ~ Now I hold my head up high.
~ Did you think I'd crumble did you think I'd lay down and die, oh no not I . I will survive.
 One Crazy day at a time I will. Survive. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I will survive. and even more than that we will flourish. Hold our heads up.high, and remember and embrace what an amazing Pete we had.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Crazy expectations at it's finest.

`Another moment where I feel that I am completely losing my mind.  I think it's that my expectations are all wrong. Should I just go into certain situations with the idea that it's going to be crazy? Or that it is going to fail no matter what I do? Maybe I should just be more prepared. I mean right after Pete passed I always expected the worst. That the kids were going to be a handful and that I would end up crying at the end. Now They don't always seem to be a handful and I don't cry at the end. So that is an improvement. Although lately it does seem that they are back to being a handful and instead of crying at the end I just want to shout and yell really, really loud. I think that is how the experiences went this morning or ended up. With me thinking that it would all go well and then It didn't. Plus there were lots of frustration on top of it. Somehow I did not yell and shout!  I think my other problem is that I don't take into the account of how much time it is going to take us to get out of the door and into the car. Since today it was raining I needed extra time to find coats and actual shoes not just flip flops. So there in lies another frustration. To make a long story short, I finally get everyone in the car and off we go. with little argument. We get to our first destination and it is pouring down rain. Lovely!! So guess what everyone out! unbuckle, unhook, and Praise!! I have a friend  that meets me in the parking lot with an umbrella. Once inside the confusion begins. Who is going to sit where and what will we eat. Where to put the baby. Finally everyone is seated and eating and all is well for awhile.
  I was sitting in the restaurant and noticed a young mans sweatshirt. It was a Fighting Illini sweatshirt. As I was trying to wrangle all my children in one direction to leave. I asked the guy" Who in their family is a Fighting Illini?" And his dad answered" No one. We are just fans". But that he had some friends that went to the school. I said "really My husband went to University of Illinois. And they guy said" Oh, what year did he graduate?I was like what, "Uh... I don't know". I don't know? What kind of answer is that? I don't know when my husband graduated from College. Like I don't even know my own husband. I felt like so caught off guard. I had to ask my friend right away when did she graduated from college. OK so if she was about 21, Pete was maybe about 22 or 23 that would put him graduating around 1995. Well I felt better that I had maybe figured out. But I was still frustrated. Like Am I fotgetting this man. The man I married. We spent 6 years of marriage and 2 and a hlf kids together and I didn't know or remember when he graduated from College? Heck I can't even think when he graduated from High school. ( I know just count back 4 years) but still.. It just seems stupid. It feels crazy. How could I not know something so simple. I finally guessed a year and said" no I don't think thats right. He passed away when he was 37 soon to be 38 so I think he graduated before that. Then I even repeated to myself out loud. I can't believe I can;t remember when he graduated. I am sure this man was like, well this lady is completely insane. I just walked away mumbling to myself how that maybe I had a few other things on my mind, but that I should have known.  
   I feel Like I keep going over and over this in my head as if something about it will make sense.  Questioning over and over , Why does it bother me? So what if I couldn't remember, But I feel that I should have known some monumental piece of his life. At least remembered it. Thinking to myself " Did I know it before?" or "what else don't I know?" Or is it just that I have forgotten. Is it grief? or crazy Mommy brain? and Will I remember it again?
  What is it about rain. I usually love rain but today It seems that no, I do not like rain. Again with the exspectations. I thought my morning would go better than it did. I think it's that I am getting so used to and yet not at the same time (crazy) of doing things by myself. So When I go out places taking the whole crew It would seem to the on-lookers like a zoo is passing by them. However must they look at me like that.? What do you want me to do stop living my life?  I am glad for my frineds and the help that they give me. But it doesn't stop the on lookers. Today I wanted to shout to the whole restraunt that I do this everyday by myself. I am sorry that my kids seem loud and unruly. But on one hand they are kids, on the other hand, I only have so many arms and really whats the point of shouting at your kids in public. They still won't do what you ask of them and people are still loooking at you. So it doesn't solve anything. I just end up looking like an even bigger idiot than before. Facy that!
 Just when I think that I have a handle on things like going out and doing things with all of them. Wham!!! Something hits me in the head.,As if to say no you really don't have it all together. The frustration seems endless today. We get home and Chase Leo needs a nap. The cat has peed on the floor again and the kitchen looks like a bomb went off. I sit here and I question why so many of us seem to "play" the part of having it all together.  Or maybe I should question why must I have the persona that I have it all together. What's the point? I am a recent widow ( I guess not that recent anymore) with 3 kids all demanding my attention. I guess I feel that I have something to prove. That this whole thing won't break me. But Do I have to be strong all the time? And in that question I wonder is it just me having an off day? Feeling sorry for myself.? I never want to feel that "oh woe is me" feeling.  Why should I have so many expectations of myself.. the feeling that so many are counting on me not to fail. And I won't. I know that I won't be perfect at it. But I have more faith and belief in myself to not fail completely. Struggle? Yes, lots. But Fail? No.  Maybe in this process I am not just raising my kids but we are all raising each other in this house. Together we will learn to be a stronger unit. That we  will just bump along and do the best we can to figure it all out. I suppose that includes the frustrations, the expectations and all the crazy looks we get along the way.