Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Seriously, I think I am going crazier..

I feel crazier than usual. Lately I want to just erase him from my memory. Get rid of everything as if he was never here. I don't want to go to group anymore. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to grieve. If I erased him then I wouldn't feel the pain. I know though that I would still feel like "isn't something missing?" This is why I feel so crazy. Why would I feel that I would want to erase my soul mate. the love of my life. All the wonderful and fun and beautiful  things we did together. One of the best fathers ever. Without him I wouldn't have had Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo. Without him I wouldn't have learned the things I did. He helped me see things from a new perspective. And yet Because the loss and the grieving is wearing on me I want to erase it. Am I completely Insane? Then of course automatic guilt sets in. I feel that I am doing something wrong. If I was thinking rationally I would realize that it was just "another step in the grief process." (Lucky me)  The lack of sleep, the anxiety, the holidays, and the house and appliances falling apart and I guess the stress of it all are taking its toll.
  My in laws are coming into town today,. And I love them dearly. It's still just so hard. When I look at it from their perspective I have no idea how hard it must be for them to come here and visit our home without him in it. Maybe thats why I have such a hard time traveling back to where he grew up. That and the fact that it feels impossible to get anywhere with 3 kids. And I feel that If I am going to travel there I am going to do it myself. But back to his parents. Sometimes the fear of them coming is earth shattering. All those questions. Am I doing it right? Will it be up to their standards? the house is a mess and I am too tired and overwhelmed to clean it? and I feel guilt. Will they be disappointed.? I wish they could know that I am just trying to do the best that I can. and That right now. The best does not involve cleaning every single corner of the room. However,  It's also all the things they represent. They are him. His father looks just like him but with some gray. I used to be shocked every time but now it's gotten better. There is always an aftermath when they leave. In me and in the kids. It is getting better the more we see them. It's just so hard. It's hard for me, it's hard for the kids, its hard on his parents. Again Why does everything have to be so hard.  Sometimes when they come it's like we all just look around waiting for Pete to come bursting through the door yelling" Sorry I'm late, got stuck at work." We wait and it never happens. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Just scream until I can't scream anymore. But I don't ever. Not when they are around. I try not to cry. Feeling that it is a form of weakness.  Sometimes it's a constant clash. They feel that I don't know what they are going through because they have lost a son. And I feel they don't know how hard it is cause I have lost my husband and whole world. The kids have lost their Daddy and best friend. But I don't know what they are going through. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a son. A beautiful wonderful son!  I feel that I try so hard and then it goes no where. We are all grieving/ This time of year is even worse with his birthday being Christmas eve. I guess it just is what it is. Hard. And stupid that a young and healthy man passed away leaving his family behind. Lovely!
   Again if I erased it, I wouldn't have met all of his wonderful family. So why think it? It's so Damn confusing. I love him, I hate him. It goes on and on all the time. Mad at him for leaving. And yet understanding that his body wore out and he couldn't fight anymore. Mad at the world for not understanding, and knowing how are they supposed to know. I am not wearing "Widow Wear." Tired so completely tired of it all. Still I can realize that it's all part of the process. You have to grieve in order to get to the other side of it all. I confuse myself all day long. I wear myself out. My kids wear me out and yet they keep me going. See CRAZY!  If you have seen the Harry Potter movies I wish I had a "Pensive" I could just take out the memories and thoughts when my brain is too full and come back to visit them at a later date. Although I may never come back to those thoughts for years. Hmm maybe not a good idea.
  For now I guess I will do what I always do. Keep going. Pick up the house as best as I can. Keep chase Leo out of the cat food and water bowl. encourage the kids. Enjoy my time with his family. Cry when it's too much. And somehow just keep going. To keep believing that it has to get better, that it WILL get better. Have faith in myself and the crazy. And put one foot in front of the other.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Crazy Holidays and the Craziness they bring with them..

Too much crazy for one time. I mean really, even for me. I feel like saying OK universe thanks but no more. Thats it. I am done with it being so Damn hard. I miss Pete. I know shocker! Christmas was so insanely hard that I wanted to curl up in a ball and just lie there and cry. I would have to say it was the first time that I really really wanted to do that. That I could feel my knee's buckling right out from under me. Aryanna and Petey were right there and I thought "you know if I go down I don't care. I don't want to get back up again.
   " Christmas Eve (also would have been Pete's 39th Birthday) was not too bad. The day was fun. The kids and I along with my sister and her two kids went to the State museum. Where we saw Santa, and rode the train. Then we tried to make it to a family service that started at 3pm, we got there at 3:55pm. Needless to say we missed it. Then to my Dad's house for dinner and gifts. It was at the Christmas Eve gift exchange that I lost it. My dad had given my recently new brother in law a "leather-man". It was this gift that I had to take Chase Leo and leave the room. I went and hid, and stared out the window and cried a lot! Because this was the gift that my Dad gave to PeteThe first Christmas that we were married. It was another reminder that Shit, he really, really isn't here with me. Seriously, I know my dad had no idea that this would be hard for me to watch or be a part of.  Knowing him he probably doesn't remember.
   Once dinner was over, the kids and I headed back home. But by then it was 9pm and I was really tired. I wanted to get the kids in bed. And then realized that we forgot to finish icing the Santa cookies and I forgot to make reindeer food. So I told them I would do it but that we needed to make sure that we got to bed so that Santa could come. They were finally asleep by like 11pm. However it was Chase Leo that was the one that took forever to go to sleep
  Finally, finally they all were in bed and I called my brother to come over and Be Santa's helper. He helped put the toys together that needed assembly and to put the gifts out under the tree. To help me make sure everything was just so. He was filling in for Pete. He did a wonderful job. He not only ate the cookies but he also wrote the "Santa" note as well.  It was Christmas Morning and everything was great. Except for Aryanna. She didn't want to open her gifts she just wanted to sit and watch Petey tear through everything. She was cranky and I think in her mind she had hoped for her Daddy wrapped up under the tree. Maybe not. I do know by looking in her eyes that she missed him not being there.  I know that is what I wanted most for Christmas.  I wanted Pete with a Bright red bow and a tag that said I'm here now.
Eventually she warmed up to Christmas and opened her toys and clothes and wanted to play. It was when we started to get ready to go to my Aunt's house for lunch when things really started to shift for me. I went into the laundry room and what should I see but water on the floor. My washer was leaking. Not only was it leaking but it got underneath my new hardwood floor. So that in certain area's where I walked you could see water coming up through the seems in the boards. Lovely. Clean up the water. call a friend to figure out what to do. Put a fan on it and then started to cry. Lots and lots of crying. Chase Leo slept terrible on Christmas eve. I was awake a lot with him. So I am now not only over tired. But I had just finished Christmas morning with A, P, and C L. The kids were on a sugar high, Chase Leo wanted to be held all morning and I missed Pete so bad I could barely stand it. Then the washing machine leaked all over the floor. I had, had it!!! NO more!
  It was in this moment that I felt that knee buckling feeling. I was standing in the kitchen looking out into my backyard at all the snow and I could feel myself loosing my grip on reality. Like a moment of Serioulsy? We are still dealing with this. The moment of complete and utter realization that he was really and so very clearly not just on some business trip somewhere. Not in a hospital. But that he was in fact dead. And here I was. Looking around my house. At my children. And I wanted to just lie on that kitchen floor and take a nap.
 How envious I am of my children. They still have me. Someone to hold them and comfort them when they cry. Petey still has his pacifier ( I know, he should have let it go by now) He has his blanket. Aryanna has her pillow and her bear. To hold onto that makes her feel better. I want that. No, what I want is Pete. To hold me while I cry and comfort me. Yes, I have family but it's not the same. I want Pete. To bury my face in his chest and breath in the scent of him. To feel his sturdy body embrace me in a big bear hug and hold me while I cry.  but I can't have that. And it is so hard to face. To swallow to come to terms with. I need him. I need him to help me raise these wonderful and beautiful children. I want him here with Me. No more being by myself, No more being alone. This is not how it was supposed to be. I don't want to grieve any more, I don't want to be crushed by my own sadness. Enough!
  I am tired, worn out. over done, and fried.  It's 11:56pm and Chase Leo is awake again. It never stops. He is teething or has an ear infection. But he isn't sleeping well. Which means I don't sleep well. Which causes my grief to be worse and the anxiety to be worse. And even my somewhat rational thinking.  But then I haven't really slept in 13 months. Recently if I sleep I have crazy dreams that seem to impossible to figure out. There seems to be no amount of coffee or soda that can help with being so tired. It doesn't help that all I want to eat is Chocolate.  I have started gauging things by how badly do I want to take 3 kids to go and run errands.
    The holidays are just so damn hard. I feel  that if I see one more happy family I am going to shoot something. I have some to be one of "those " people that can't stand to look at married people. I loved being married. It's like I have a hard time hearing about why other people get divorced. Its not the same as your spouse being dead. You could still call up your spouse on the phone if you really wanted to or had to. I want to shout at people who just can't get along with one another " Well things could be worse your spouse could be dead." I don't mean to sound like other people's lives are not hard I just think that some things are worth fighting for. I suppose that you can't help it if the other person doesn't want to fight for it. Like everything else it is, what it is.
 I am ready to put 2010 behind me. To get on with it. I am hoping for a little more fun in 2011. I know I just need to jump back on the recovery wagon. However that wagon I feel for now, has left me on the  side of the road. I am just following it on foot. I know that I will catch up to it again. Thats how this stupid thing called grief goes.  But for now I feel his loss all over again. I miss him, to the point that I have no words. Once upon a time I did have happily ever after.,  I had my prince. He wasn't perfect. But I didn't want him to be. Where is the fun in that. I even miss arguing with him. However the question remains Where is Happily ever after? when and do I get to have it again.? Did it die with him? It feels like he took it with him when he left. I don't know. I hope and pray that someday I can have it again. And this man will love me and the kids and understand that part of me will always belong to Pete.    

Thursday, December 9, 2010

One Cray widow's perspective of time and waiting!!

I would say that lately there has been lots to write about. Just feeling too tired to write about it! It gets to be that time of the night when the house is quiet and all the kids are sleeping in their beds. Its just me and my insane and not so respectful cats. They really need a new home!! But that's another crazy story. I sit down on the couch with my dark chocolate in hand and think to myself " I really need to write about that." But lately it seems, that I just feel  I am even too tired to put it into words. Is it the Holiday's or just being over tired and worn out? Maybe both.
  I went to group this evening and it was one of those times where, I left feeling like I wanted to run out of there yelling and screaming. I feel that I have been having these moments of "is this really my life?" I am not just watching some one else go through this? It's really happening. I sit in group and listen to others talk about how they and their kids are just pushing through. The struggles of parenting children at a wide variety of ages. However when it got to be my turn. I talked mostly about the big "anniversary" and how we survived that. But I felt as I looked around the room That I had finally become one of them. I had hit the one year mark and the rest of them in my group understood and remembered that one year feeling. It was however one of the facilitators that I felt didn't' want to be there this evening. She kept looking at her watch and then looking at me. I felt like saying "am I keeping you from something?"   As if I was taking too much time.  I realize their are a lot of people here this evening, but why the watch. Maybe it was just the kind of mood that I was in. The beginning of Group didn't start out very well.
  Petey spilled juice all over himself while we were there and he was crying and mad that he was wet and that I didn't bring any extra pants for him. So there I sat with all these people looking at me. I mean yes, it was different than say if it would have happened at a school function. Because everyone here at group knows what it's like to have your  kid  completely freak out. But then he didn't want to leave my side. He had been talking about going to group for weeks. Even talking to strangers about coming. And here we were and he didn't want to go. Finally I got him to go into one of the rooms to color. And I waited outside for him so he could see me. He eventually got immersed into what he was doing and was OK with me going. But it was this odd sort of helpless feeling. I kept asking "what am I supposed to do?" Wait. Just wait!
  I feel thats what it's about isn't it. Waiting?  Lets hurry up and wait. Wait for what? To get over the heartache? To get over the loss? the sorrow? The utter and complete loneliness? The memories, the scared, the helplessness? What? What am I waiting for?  To feel normal again? Doubtful. I am not normal. I never have been. I don't do things in the normal way. But Why does it have to be about waiting? Is that how one gets through another holiday? Another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, by waiting? Is that the same as when people say "Well, with time it will get easier.  Thats what people say when they don't know what to say. and really I wish they wouldn't say anything. So, time and waiting!! Wonderful Two of my least favorite things.
   I hate to wait. I would say I am not a very patient person. Especially when it comes to something I want. Like I couldn't get too excited about having a baby until after the baby was here. Because if I get myself so excited about something, I am like a child it seems impossible for me to "wait." And when it comes to time. People who know me well know that I am never on time. Always late no matter what it is. You can bet, I will be late. Plus I recently realized that I can't look to far ahead in the future because it causes too much panic. Like The thought of Christmas Morning with my 3 kids makes me want to jump out a window. Thats' too much time into the future. So here I sit waiting to get a clue about what they hell I am waiting on.  Do people know what they are talking about when they say it really does get better with time? Maybe. The reason I say maybe is because yes, this holiday season has gone better than last year. Well, from the bits and pieces that I can remember. In some ways I feel that I am too busy to wait for things to get better. I feel that If I want them to change then it's up to me to do it. I can't sit around on the couch and wait for my life to fall into place. Time is flying by. Chase Leo will be 12 months in January! A whole year has passed since he was born. A whole year! And yet it feels as though time and waiting is standing still.  I don't want to wait for Aryanna to remember a time when Mommy was not all with it. I don't want Aryanna to say as an adult that her Mommy waited for life to begin. I want her to say My mommy took this tragic thing that happened to us and grabbed it by the horns and looked it int the face. Because whats the point in waiting for that bull to trample me to the ground? It still hurts. If I waited for that bull, I might still be bleeding. Instead of taking off the band-aide and letting the wounds heal.
  So what is it about time and waiting? I guess maybe I really do need them. To wait and be still. To hear God's voice guiding me along. Time to heal. Letting the wounds breath and scab over, to then scar. It's that scar that shows me and reminds me where I have been. That I waited for the bleeding to stop, with care and lots and lots of tears and time it healed. My heart, My soul. My children. We wait, sometimes not very patiently. But with time, our hope is that the waiting will have been worth it!