Friday, January 13, 2012

A Crazy Question.

A question... I wish she didn't have to miss him so much.  Aryanna wants to sleep with her "Daddy Album" most every night since before Christmas. I would say she has been missing him more and more the closer it got to Chase Leo's birthday.  There is nothing to say. Nothing to do. And no way for me to make it better for her. other than to give her her album, pull the sheets up and kiss her goodnight.  I stood at her door tonight speechless again. With just a question in my mind... "Why does she have to miss him so much?"
   I know, what's not to miss?  The more stable I feel that we are, the more she misses him. Is that a good thing?  Does being stable remind her of our life before?  I don't know what she is thinking, I just know how I feel when I hear her say so many mornings and so many nights "I miss Daddy." Helpless.  It makes me want to shout, and yell, and stomp my feet. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why should I have to wrack my brain to find a story to share with her about her daddy? Why can't she just walk into the living room and crawl into his lap, putting her arms around his neck the way she used to? Why, Why, Why, they don't stop. How many mornings do you pull your kids from their beds to get them ready for school?  Where the conversations are usually "what do you want for breakfast?"  But, recently in this house it has been.. "I miss daddy." That look in her eyes, waiting for me to tell her something about him. I blocked so much of it out to survive, that now it seems like work to remember the things they did together. Things that I thought I could never forget. Things that I sit here wondering how did I forget?  In some ways berating myself for it. And in the same thought, saying to myself, I did what I needed to, to survive. Maybe forget is not the right word. I pushed it out, and away. So that they didn't touch me. So that I couldn't feel every moment, every memory, every thing that was before. I couldn't taste it, or allow it to make me bleed. I pushed it out and away into another box another part of who I was, or who I once was at the time.
   It's looking into Aryanna's eyes that makes me want to pull those memories out. Giving her something that she knows, how much her daddy loved her. He lived and breathed for her and her brother. I don't want her to ever doubt his love for her. And I wish to hell that I could just give him to her. The essence of who he was, and is in our lives, in our hearts.  But I can't, and I am back to being helpless all again. I want to pull those memories out but I am not sure how to get to them. I can't just download the files and let them overfill my hard drive. I have to still stand up, and continue on in this journey. The day to day life and remain stable for her and  Petey and Chase Leo. It's finding the way to lovingly let them in. Letting go of the fear of being pulled under and drowned.
    I want to hold Aryanna so close and tell her I am so, so, sorry that daddy isn't here. Sorry for the things that are crazy, and sorry for the pain that she feels. I wish so much that for every time she misses him, I could take that pain from her. That longing for him. That wanting to just breath in the scent of him. The way he held her and made her feel so safe. But, I remember that I am here. Even though he is not.  And I remember, how he loved her. And I remember, that I saw how he loved her. And I remember, that I can convey these things to her. That I can tell her how much he loved her and how much I so desperately love her. I hope with Pete's help to remember the stories that he loved, and the memories he cherished. While I know the pain and the loss won't ever go away, possibly my memories of him with her, will be enough to help her heal. 

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