Thursday, July 5, 2012

Another Crazy Insight.

What is it about milestones that make me feel like I have taken three steps back? The hollow and the empty of what once was and will never be again seem to haunt my thoughts this evening. All these ideas of growing and changing along with doing our best to emotionally and physically  move  forward, seem to come to a screeching halt when a milestone comes and then passes. Aryanna turned 7 years old on Monday. It seems crazy to think that Pete hasn't seen her in 3 years. It's amazing how big and grown up she is. The way she talks with her hands like I do, or the way she explains things, or even the way she invents new concepts to old ideas. She is like her daddy, and she is like me. I hope for her sake there comes a time when her birthday's aren't so anxiety provoking for her. She spent most of Monday following me around and wanting to be held. She was like my own personal shadow. By the time that her party rolled around in the evening she was better and ready to play. But by evening when the thrill of the party was over, she was needing extra cuddles. It wasn't until the next day late afternoon that she said it "I miss daddy" All I could say was "I know bug... I do too."
    It's in these moments of reflection when I think of her first birthday without him. She was turning 5 years old. I went looking through some old photo's to see if I could find some baby pictures of her. I stumbled across pictures from her 5th birthday. He eyes so vacant, and empty. She was here but emotionally she wasn't. Looking at those pictures took my breath and hurt my heart. I then clicked on a photo of her now. Her bright eyes shining, and her smile filled with laughter. It makes my heart fill with love and pride. For the big and courageous girl that she is now and has always been. Even though I am so grateful for all of these things, there will always be a part of me that longs for Pete, for the love we had for each other and for our life we had with our children together.
   Unless you are a window or widower you can't understand this kind of longing. That no amount of moving forward, changing, and growing will ever take away from that part of you that died right along with your spouse. In recent days I have been confronted by other people who don't understand my choice for loving again. I have come to the conclusion that what they think doesn't matter. It's not about them. It's not their life to live. It's mine. It's also realizing that these "friend" never really knew me to begin with. They never really took the time to look inside of me and at the core of who I was, and am. It was just only on the surface. Again what is it about time and reflection that one can really see other's true motives when they finally meet them head on. It's in these last few days of change, and milestones that I have found  new insights about myself and to the future that I hold in my hands, in my heart, and in my children's lives.  I don't owe an explanation to anyone. They have not walked in my shoes, they have not walked my path, they are not me. They don't see the world through my eyes or my children's eyes for that matter.  With change comes new relationships, new perspectives, new motivations, and new joy.  And yet the emptiness remains. Another milestone come and gone, an old relationship that is forever changed due to lack of insight, information and pride.
  So what do I do with this new insight? I do what I usually do. Absorb it, feel it, and then let it pass. Realizing I cannot stop the milestones from coming, but I can stop allowing others to push me down in ways that make them feel better. It's letting go of the "old" ways. It's moving forward again one step at a time. Even though on this day I feel like I am walking through molasses carrying a 2.5 year old on my hip and holding hands with a now 7 year old and a 5 year old. Its turning my eyes back towards the sun and feeling its warmth on my face. It's being able to know that I am blessed with not having to walk this journey alone. To have some one to hug me tight when I feel that I just can't go forward today. It's that gentle nudge that I feel from Pete's spirit whispering in my ear, I believe in you , I always have. But most importantly it's knowing that I have courage in myself, that I believe in myself, and I will continue to push forward, to look into the future with hope. It's that feeling I hold onto that I have learned to hold my ground keeping it steady for Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo.  So what to do with this day of molasses and empty feelings? I remember that tomorrow is a new day full of hope and new beginnings. After all it is my crazy journey and I am learning to enjoy the moment.