Sunday, August 29, 2010

Crazy Last Moments

 The CD that Aryanna usually listens to while falling asleep seems to have a scratch in it. (Imagine that)  I have tried cleaning it and can't seem to keep it from skipping. So, I put A and P in bed then I went on the hunt to look for this other CD that I thought she might like to listen to. However I did not find it. I did however find another CD I have been looking for. So Bonus. While I was looking in the very crazy and disorganized CD/movie cabinet I cam across Pete's CD player that he used to listen to at his desk when he was at work. I ever so carefully opened it to see what CD was inside. The thought that occurred to me was "This is the CD that Pete listened to last before he got sick."
   I so often find myself just wandering around my house just looking for something that he may have left for me to find. I just want to touch something of his that he touched before he passed. Like some clue, some gift that he never gave me or just something. I have this need to touch it. To sit with it and think to myself  "what was he thinking about when he was listening to this CD" or " What was he working on". I try to remember what was the last shirt that he wore to work when he was healthy. What was that day like for him on his so called "Last day of work" I just keep thinking that if I keep looking and searching I will find something new that I missed. Like some part of him that he left for me. Something that will just fall from the sky that talks about our life together. Or notes, thoughts that he had. I know that I have his drawings and his notebook of what he planned to make. or pictures that he had drawn of designs for jewelry or art that he wanted to make. What feels different about that is that I remember him drawing those pictures in there. Why that seems different, I don't know but it does.
 I was cleaning out one of his Model car cabinets and I came across the box of  the camera he gave me on our wedding day. I opened it and inside was the manual, some extra cables and the note that he wrote to me when I opened the camera case. I held my breath and smiled. I didn't cry. I was happy and sad at the same time. But I was holding onto the note in my hand. This small piece of white paper and inside it was his hand writing of something he wrote to me with love. I wanted to hold it up to my face and smell it to see if I could smell that day. I wanted to hold it so close to my heart. I wanted to tape it to me so that I would never be away from that tiny piece of paper. To sleep with it, that little tiny piece of him.   I never realized until just now how important that little tiny note is. Yes, I still have his clothes hanging in the closet but it doesn't seem to feel the same as that little piece of paper. I open the closet and it is comforting to have his clothes hanging there. I think it would feel so empty if they weren't there. I mean yes I would have more closet space. What woman doesn't need more closet space. :) But as I think about opening that door and looking in and not having those clothes to look at feels so empty inside. In someways I have gotten used to them being there that if they weren't there it would give me an anxious feeling inside.  Even though those clothes don't smell like him anymore and I know he is not coming home to wear them. They need to be there for a little while longer.
  I guess to me what seems so interesting is that the clothes are comforting but don't have the same affect as a note. He wore those shirts everyday. To work, to play golf, on date night. But they are just fabric. They don't hold his essence in them. It's like when I look at a piece of art work I stare at it in awe. that wall hanging, or that piece of jewelry that he made and shaped, was him. It was his idea. His hands that molded those pieces together. I look at the stained glass pieces that he started but didn't finish. and I want to hold those close. Because I know they have my influence in them. Yes, Pete loved horses but from an artistic standpoint. But he loved to make and draw horses because he knew how much I loved them. How much they brought me joy. It those things that I want to touch. Brush my hands across it, wishing I could be in Pete's mind to hear what he had wanted to do or why he added that color instead of another. As if holding that piece of glass I could absorb Pete. Through that art I could touch his hand again. Because it was his hand that touched it last.
   I keep opening the same drawer in our room and sifting though it like "there has to be something in here, Something I missed." As if whatever "it" is is going to shed some light onto something. What I don't know. It's just a feeling. That I need it. I need to find it. Those last moments. Those last days before he went into the hospital. those last seconds before he crossed the threshold of our house never to step foot in it again. Something anything.  I remember I rented some movies for him to watch in bed since he felt so terrible and was getting bored being by himself and just sitting around. One of them was Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I remember the night he watched it, and I thought maybe I should go in there and sit with him while he watches it. But then I remembered that he didn't want me to be with him to keep me from getting "sick" plus I felt at that time I wouldn't have been able to get comfortable with him ( being big and prego and all)  But now I wish I had. To sit and watch it with him. To hold his hand. A and P were in bed. It would have been nice to watch a movie just us. But I didn't, and now I can't.  That movie was on HBO the other day and I flipped it on. It's a good movie by the way. I watched the last 20 minutes of it. After it was over I thought " I just watched the last movie Pete saw before he passed away"  It seems like it is those moments or realizations that can make me go crazy, feel crazy. I mean who has thoughts like that. So final. Or Again the what if I would have just crawled into bed next to him and held his head. Laid my head on his chest, listened to his heart beating while we watch the movie on the laptop. What if? Would that  short 90 minutes been enough to have gotten me "Sick" who knows. But I did what I did, I stayed away. I kept Chase Leo and I safe and Aryanna and Petey safe. We all thought he would just get better. But....
   So in those Crazy last moments before he was sick. While he was healthy this is what I know.  He listened to Tim McGraw and the Dancehall Doctors on his "disc-man" at work. (I know it sounds archaic.)  He came home for the weekend. I have no idea what we did on that Friday night or Saturday. How insane is that. I know on Sunday evening when he said his stomach hurt he cleaned out the litter boxes. Then somewhere in the week he was home  he watched that movie. Along with lots of TV. I guess I don't know what I am getting at here. I guess it's crazy the things you remember and the things you forget. The things you hold onto. and the things you don't. I still hope for my sanity there are still things, notes to find. stuff tangible items to hold onto to breathe in, so absorb into my whole being. As if he is telling me his story through the veil. Like a treasure hunt, thats just for me.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Crazy Mad!

Within the last couple of days I feel that I have jumped off the recovery train Like I have just been moving along and going "OK we can do this, we have been doing this and here we go". The only way to move forward is to keep going right? just one foot in front of the other and keep your head up. However I think that I have hit that stage of grief where many call it the "angry stage"
 Me being me, thought to myself "I won't get to the angry stage". I am not mad at him. I am not mad at God. His body wore out and there was nothing more he could do. His spirit was strong and he fought a hard fight but.. well you know where I am going, so why say it. The thing is that now lately I feel really really pissed off. There I said it. And the whole room didn't cave in on me in the process. The trouble with being angry is that it's like horribly Angry, and then it's guilt, and then its complete sadness. I am feeling all of those all at the same time along with feeling them all constantly. My anxiety alone is about to choke me. I feel like there is this ring around my neck that just keeps squeezing me and it squeezes my stomach too. This horrible angry pain that someone has just kicked you as hard as they could in the chest and then told you to get up and just suck it up!
  Today I was so mad at Pete I wanted to take the clothes that I have still held onto and just rip them out of the closet and throw them all over the yard. As if to say "there I showed you". But it's not like he would be driving around the bend in his truck coming home from work to look at me and say "What the hell?" Of course after having this thought of taking all his clothes out in the front yard. and I was going to do it too. The panic set in. Because "Oh no, his clothes would be in the yard. Out of my comfort zone. Then I would have the chore to pick up this ridiculous clothes that he is never coming home again to wear". to hang them back up into the closet that doesn't even smell like him anymore.  Maybe that is what I was really mad about in the first place. For so many months after he passed his clothes still smelled like him. I could open the closet door and just hold his shirts and they would smell like him. Now I hold his shirt and it doesn't smell the same. So I thought to myself today " why hold onto them" Then the other thought was " Damn you, Your fucking clothes don't even smell like you"  Is this just some sick way of making me feel your loss even more"  In some ways I feel like an angry bitter woman. I want to yell at the top of my lungs until I don't have any air left in them " You left me!!" not the other way around. You are gone and I am here damnit. I don't want to answer any more questions that A and P ask. I don't want to talk about where is heaven anymore. I hate absolutely despise the fact that I have to look into my children's eyes and see that pain that 'Gosh I wish daddy was here look" I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to explain to a 5 year old little girl who misses her daddy so much that I know she can't even breathe at times. I know that is why she acts sometimes the way she does. I don't want to tell her. I don't want to tell Petey. I just want it to be over. I dont want to feel the pain anymore.!!!!!! I am done. I am mad. I hate where I am right now! I hate it hate it hate it hate it. I have done so many things that were so hard and I dont want to do any more HARD. I want peace. I want to sleep at night. I want to feel his warmth beside me. I miss not having him beside me. I miss his face, I miss his hands . I just want to hold his fucking hand and I can't. I physically can't  The man I love and have loved for lifetimes I can't hold his hand because he is not here to hold it!!  I am here. Aryanna and Petey and Chase Leo are here. and he is not.
  I have these horrible thought like. Why did you pick me. Why did you do it. And then of course you know that if he didn't I wouldn't have had the chance to love him so much. and that it why it hurts so much!! This hole this desperate hole. Make it go away. I feel like if I could beg, steal or borrow just to have a few minutes to hear his voice. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have done well. I have been strong I have put one foot in fromt of the other. I have moved forward. I feel that I have done it . Don't I get something for good behavior. Like time to get out of prison now. He was supposed to be there.
   I know, I know tomorrow is a new day another day to step forward. another day to see the light in the situation. Yes that is all true. But Its also another day to think of him every single second and other day to think of him with every breath I take. I want a break I dont want to think anymore. I wanted a break for a little bit. I know I may sound like a coward or that whole " So what in it for me" I am done. I am lonely. I miss the fact that he thought  I was the most beautiful woman in the world. That after a day filled with screaming kids and covered in spitup and sweet potato s. He would open the door come in from work and tell me how beautiful I was. and I would always say "your crazy". I was a mess but to him I was his, I was beautiful.  Call me petty or shallow but you know a woman needs to hear that. I need to hear that. I think now even now. Why didn't;t i listen.
  You know you can make yourself go crazy with the what if game. but really What if I had known. seriously what difference would it have made. I know I would have worried more. and I know that we wouldn't have had as much fun. I would have always been trying to figure out a way to stop it. It is what it is. It was planned. It happened, and now after 9 months I am really freaking angry. I am mad at him. down right, irrational, stupid crazy mad. Oh and the guilt. Really can't I just be mad. No I have to feel guilty about being mad. Because that part of me says well his body was tired. Yes thank you, rational side. I know. I feel like I have split personality disorder. I can be yelling at him and saying I hate you for leaving me , I hate you for leaving your kids. Your beautiful kids they are just kids and they miss their daddy. . But I love you so much.
  So I love you and I hate you. And I am so mad at you that I could explode. I have so much anxiety I can't breathe. I can't move.  So often I hear people tell me I am so strong. And I am sure after writing this and sharing this. I wonder " So you think I am strong" I don't feel strong when i wasnt to kill my husband for dying. which would be pretty hard since he is already gone. I don;t feel strong when i run around like a crazy person on the inside and out. Taking it out on the random people that pass by. I don't feel strong when all I want to do is go back to bed instead of taking care of my kids.
 I know Soon I will hop back onto that recovery train. Because that;s what I do, thats what I know how do. So I know that tomorrow is a new day. I can jump back on the recovery train and keep on chuggin'

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Crazy Hearts

I wrote this poem a few months ago and I thought I would share it with you. I felt it needed to be put on this blog because it best describes the way I felt/feel and it embraces this crazy journey that I am one. It was in this poem/writing that I realized something so incredible about myself and where I had been to where I was going that I felt peaceful for once.
You shattered my heart into a million pieces.
Like shards of glass. Each one painful, each one scratching
and cutting and leaving a hole.
Over the past 7 months I have tried to pick up each tiny piece and
tried to make sense of where my heart used to be.
I see now that I have been building a stronger heart, a new heart
hoping for one day to make it whole again.
 The first minutes, hours, and months seemed impossible and often
times I didn't know which way was up. Oh how I prayed for the ground to
swallow me, for God to take away this ache, this burning,  this horrid pain.
Not just my pain but that of my beautiful children's confusion and pain.
Please God take it away, I would beg over and over.
Yet, even though I have been shattered, scared, and in the deepest, blackest despair I have
ever felt. I can say now, it didn't Break me. And it didn't Break my kids either.
We may not feel whole right now but we are Not Broken!
After writing this poem, the words just flew out of me. The realizations that I made. I share them with you here in the following paragraphs.
 ~ I have learned what I can handle in like and  what I can't I have learned to depend upon myself and God. I know that through all the tears that I have cried and still cry and all the tears my kids have cried and will still cry we are not broken.
  I loved Pete, and they loved their Daddy so completely and so unconditionally. It's through that love that we are not broken. It's through that love that we have for him and for each other, that we move forward. To embrace the man that toughed our lives and changed us. Even though it was too short he has helped show us what Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I are made of
  Many People could never understand what it's like. And even you may never get it. But I do. And Aryanna, Petey, chase Leo do. Unless you have walked this same path can you comprehend this earth shattering, life altering,and shear terrifying experience. To live this pain, and panic to it's fullest. Even through all of that there is still Love, Joy, and Laughter.
 I am grateful to the awesome man who made me a wife and mother. Who I got to share just a little bit of time with.  Soon he and I will meet again  Thank you Pete for showing me what I am made of. Stronger than steel. Even though it's only been 7 months and parts of me are still in pieces. I know a few of those pieces have started to connect back into something recognizable. I will never be the same. I won't! I am stronger, more durable, and built to last.  Even thought I have cursed you and screamed at you and been so mad at you for leaving me here to face this alone without you. and there are still  many days that I do yell at you. Because Damnit it's hard. Really, Really hard. But I am Not damaged or faulty.  I am not a victim. And A, P., and C L, know they are loved without a doubt. Our family may be smaller now and our light might not shine as bright right now. But there is hope and knowledge that our light will be so bright it will illuminate the world.
  I miss you Roo, Roo, with every breath and every second of every day. But you have shown me, taught me what you knew all along. I just had to find it. I am strong and confident and I believe in myself and in "our" family. I know and believe that Aryanna , Petey, and Chase Leo and I are going to..not just going to.. We have, We Have Made it. We have. We are. We are amazing together. We are strong. We are not broken, We are Whole, together.

As I sat here and re- read that again. I realize it even more It actually has now been 9 months. Well it will be 9 months on Saturday. These past couple of days have been very rocky and angry. But, I am so glad that I was flipping through my journal and stumbled upon it. I needed to read it. And feel it's power again. That night I felt the lightbulb go off and I got it. That with or without him we were and are going to be just fine. In that moment I could see that small light at the end of the tunnel. It was just a glimmer. But it was there. And I knew and know that my crazy heart will heal. There will be a scar probably the size of Texas but it's a part of me it's who I am, who I have become. But it's healing. And one day it will be whole.  

Monday, August 16, 2010

a Crazy adventure.

I wanted an adventure right? I mean isn't that what I signed on for by going on my "Crazy Escape" Well thats what I got. Don't get me wrong there were parts of it that were truly nice but there were lots of it that was crazy. I have been mulling it over and over like " Why am I surprised?" it's me after all. Everything I do, right now, is Crazy so why should a small "escape" be any different. I think it was because my expectations were a little bit different. OK lets be honest a lot different. But It was an experience and I learned something. And it seems like on this journey I have been doing a lot of " learning something".  Lets start with the crazy shall we?
 I was supposed to get the kids to my dads by 12:30pm on Sunday. I didn't get them there until almost 1:30pm. Oh the craziness!! Getting everything together. Meanwhile kids are going in all directions. Fighting and arguing and time outs. Meanwhile I am trying to rush around the house getting Aryanna and Petey bag together making sure I have all the instructions written out in a way that is organized and to the point. making sure there were enough diapers and extra clothes for Chase Leo since hi spits up on everything. Then get the milk together, the baby food. The bottles, bottle liners. Well you get the point. So finally into the car and away we go to my dads. We get there. kids out of the car and bags into the house. Instructions are given and shown where to find the "schedule of how everything goes" in the proper notebook. Meanwhile I find out that the driving directions I printed out are not the most "correct". So my dad writes new ones. Give all kids kisses and out the door I go on my way to my big "adventure". Finally I make it out of my dads and head to the open road. However since I don't do much driving other that to run to the stored all the time I kept missing my exits. I missed the one to get on 65-S so had to get off at the next exit turn around and try again. I missed the next one a small road off of State road 46. Just drove right past it. Turn around and then back on to the right road again. Alas I have made it. Meet the owners get checked in. So, I have my key. I go to open the door to the small cabin and I can't get the door to open. It's not the wrong key, it's that with all the humidity the wood has swelled and I cannot get it open. Walk back across the street to say yes, in fact I cannot get the door open. So some young kid comes over and beats on the door and finally the door opens. Wonderful. Little did I know that, that door was going to make me want to throw something heavy. Every time I came and went from that cabin I had to basically beat the door down to get it to open. In fact one time I shut it so well I couldn't get out of the cabin. I was trapped inside and couldn't get out. Because the Damn door was stuck. I now have a nice bruise forming on the side of my hand from all the times I banged on the door to get it open.
  Next meet up with the owners and off we go to meet some friends. The food was fantastic, the conversations were great and the wine was lovely. So back to the cabin we go. I go to get my key out, unlock the door, proceed to bang the crap out of the door . once in let dog out. back in, change clothes and head to bed.  I was hoping to have a nice rest but I had insane dreams all night and when I woke up in the morning my body hurt. Here is where the insanity comes in.
   Dog needs out. Get up get dressed. grab keys, purse, dog, and dog leash. Out we go. open door slam it shut. Out walking in the parking area and head back in to cabin so I can drop off dog to go get breakfast. Open purse can't find keys. Lovely. Luckily I did not lock the front door to cabin. But on this key chain is not only the "cabin" key but also the car keys. Bang on door, put dog inside. Back outside to look for key. Finally I find them in the grass. Back to cabin to lock the door. Bang on door, open door, lock door. Slam door and off to breakfast. Which was very tasty.  Come back to cabin to let dog out and get ready for a walk. Put on spf , grab ipod but cant find ear buds. Look in suitcase can't find them. look in purse can't find them. out of cabin to the car look in car can't find them. Back to cabin, look now in outside pocket find them. Great, Grab dog, keys, leash, sunglasses, ipod, and phone. Out we go. Dad calls. But I can't hear him well cause my service doesn't work well. finally I get a hold of him and I am sitting on a nice bench enjoying th breeze when the phone battery dies. Get up walk back to car plug phone in but adapter doesn't work. Find another one plug phone in but now can't get dad to answer. Leave him a txt and leave car with phone charging. Away dog and I go for a walk. head across the field and into the woods. Sadie is listening and coming back when I call her. but then I slip on a huge rock and decide to head back. At this point dog gets bee in her bonnet at off she goes. I can see her but she is not responding to me yelling for her. It;s a beautiful day and I am yelling "Sadie, Get back here" all across Story. Finally get a hold of dog. Dog is wet clear through and so in leash. Good! hold onto dog tightly. Head back to cabin unlock door bang on door in we go. leave dog in cabin. lock door, grab journal and head to the bench. this time no dog. Goodness!!
  Fins a nice outside table to relax and write when two biker people keep walking around asking me if "i know where everyone is" Start back to writing when someone lights up a cigarette. Lovely. Get up and head for higher ground. Finally I find a place to sit that is peaceful, and smells nice. Now peace.
  I am sitting on a lovely wooden swing under a tree. I can hear the sounds of birds and locusts all around me. I can see the butterflys in the garden. They float by me as if to say hi. When I tilt my head up I can see all the way up through the branches that hang over me, a beautiful blue sky. A nice cool breeze sweeps through my hair and caresses my face. Ahh lovely.  Eventually I get up go and have a divine lunch including pie and some iced tea. I guess to finally get to the point of it all.  I had a good time. But life got in the way. I didn't know what I was expecting. That life would just somehow stop for a minute. Or that I could have a 24 hour vacation from everything that frustrates me. Throughout all of this there were  many times when I missed the kids and I missed Pete that I really wanted to go home. What I find most difficult is that my fear that others will think I am not appreciative. I am really. But this was a hard trip. maybe that is just because it was my first trip away from the kids over night. But is it?  Is that the reason that it was so hard for me? I absolutely loved the food and the amazing butterfly's. But I tell you what comes to mind is my thinking that maybe I just wasn't really ready for this. I did it. I can say I did it. I didn't fall apart and sob on the floor. However I did have lots of frustration along the way. What does that mean? I keep wondering what the lesson? To know when I am in over my head. Or to use my voice and say, hey thanks but thats not really what I had planned. The way I was raised sometimes gets in the way. Like I would be disappointing someone by saying no, I don't really want to go. I would rather stay here and eat something here instead. But if I would have done that. I wouldn't have met. some really amazing people and listened to their life story. Or gotten a chance to share mine.
  I came home this afternoon feeling anxious, and raw from the inside out. I just wanted to hold my kids and keep them close. I wanted to go home and be in "my space" for a while.  For some reason I can't seem to gt it out of my head that I " should " have learned something about myself. I guess to me , all the work I do on trying to keep moving forward. Is my way in believing that there is something wonderful on that /this other side to a more positive and stronger being. Like in some ways I have to keep telling myself that  "this" is not going to break me.  I Guess as I sit here and think about it. Maybe for next time I Go somewhere on a get-away. I
 will look at it, as  an adventure. I feel that I may have spun around in circles. Maybe that was the point.  I saw beautiful butterfly's I stopped to smell the flowers.  instead of running right past them. I saw the beauty in everything. I had some fabulous food. Awesome conversations and now a new sense of Adventure.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Roller-coasters are Crazy

This grief and anxiety are like a rollercoaster. You're riding along and then all the sudden a complete drop off. Then you make it back up to the top feeling a little out of breath but glad to be back to riding along again just enjoying the scenery  then a big curve comes and your going upside down. I have to say that honestly I have physically never been on a rollercoaster.! Yes, Really! I just have had no interest in doing so. But Now that I have been on a grief rollercoaster, I definitely have no desire to physically go on one. Thanks, I will stay on the ground.
  Aryanna and I had Brooke's place tonight.  It's really great for Aryanna, She loves it which I am so thankful for.  Petey starts in September. However, most nights I usually dread going. Sometimes it feels like when going there, it really puts my process in my face. Like" Yo your life is really upside down". I feel that when it is day to day stuff and constantly staying at home in my little bubble I can just keep moving at the pace I am going. But there it's like you really have to talk about it. There is no hide behind the bushes. It puts it all out into the open. I'ts kind of like picking at a scab. You know at first it's a gusher. Then it heals a little and it breaks open and a little bit of blood seeps out and then it heals again. Just the over and over again. I mean Yes, it is much better than it used to be. Like at first every time I went to Brooke's place it was a gusher.  It seems like the more we go i get used to the scab being broken open, but it doesn't hurt as bad. Surprisingly I really wanted to go tonight. I had wanted some tips to help with Aryanna and Petey. They have been asking lots of questions about Daddy. So I thought why not ask the experts on how did they or do you handle it. But when it got to be my turn to say how we all were " really" doing. I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. So I just rambled on about how We were and that A and P have been asking questions, and that my anxiety was up and such. But I didn't really ask anyone anything. Like I left my questions and brain at home. In some ways I wanted to say " well if you read my blog you would know how I am doing" because really, it's hard to go through it all again. We go to Brooke's place every 2 weeks. But surprisingly a lot happens in two weeks. And maybe it doesn't but with me and Aryanna and Petey and Case Leo it really feels like it does.
  To night it feels even more like a rollercoaster than ever, because these last few days my anxiety has been high. like it seems hard to shake. Sure I can take something for it but that doesn't last very long and then its back. I want to just stay busy all the time. But thats hard too. You can't have a play date everyday. It makes Aryanna and Petey cranky. Then it's like they have no real routine. It's just that, never having a break in the day. That I think makes it so hard. Like when Pete was alive I always had that time when he got home to just be like " ah someone else to take over" Pete didn't exactly take over. I still had to make dinner and such and do baths and just keep on moving. I guess it was more like someone to share the load. But now, on days that I don't have anyone over it's like the day will never end. I now understand how my Grandmother felt after my Grandpa passed away. You get lots and lots of help at the beginning and then eventually it all stops. And you don't get many visitors anymore or calls on the phone. However I am blessed because I had my sister and brother home from college this summer. So they each took at day to come over and help. So that I could clean the house, run errands or go to Dr appointments. But now school is starting again. And I will miss them. And Aryanna and Petey will miss them. Maybe the reason for all the Anxiety is the "back to School Blues" You know, you can get the "summertime blues" It's just another change, that is going on. Another transition to take on.
  Right now as I sit on this here couch I feel that crazy building up inside me. Just feeling like I am going to spill out crazy everywhere. Like, Why does it all have to change? Why? Just when we finally get the hang of something it's time to move to something else. Yes, I understand that change is good. But sometimes I am like "Wait, stop, slow down" I get the feeling that I am not alone. Many parents/mom's that have kids going back to school have these back to school blues. On one hand it will be nice to have Aryanna at school especially with her, she needs a lot of interaction, a lot of stimulation to keep her out of trouble. But it's not so much school as just everything. It feels hard to say what I mean right now. Other than just to say Anxiety provoking.
   Again rollercoaster. I am up, I am down. I am crazy. I want people all around me, And in the next breath no I don't want anyone Just A,P, and CL. But then I don't want to be alone. But I want some time by myself. Then I just want to be at home with my sisters and friends. Then I think "gosh I would really love to just go somewhere and get away". Then that provokes anxiety because I will be away. Can you see? Up, down, upside down, backwards, forwards. Craziness. Why is everything a question. I want to be here but I just got her and now I want to go home. Sure, makes perfect sense.
    But if I do what I have been doing looking at the whole picture I can see that no matter which way we go up, down or sideways, we are moving forward. It may be a zig zag and all twisty and twirly but, we are moving forward. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I are doing it. It's been 8 and a half months we are still here and healthy. We do laugh, we do cry, and most of all we are surrounded in love. Lots of it!!  Rollercoasters or just standing on the ground, we will make it!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Crazy Escape

I have all these thoughts just swirling around and around in my brain tonight. I have planned an overnight in brown county this weekend. It is just for one night.However I feel pulled. Mostly by my self. I know that many Mom's would jump at a chance to have a "getaway", me however I cam crazy so that puts things in a new light. I seem to worry about everything. Things that probably don't need worrying about. Such as, will the kids be OK with out me. What if they need something in the night and no one hears them. What if Petey has a meltdown about something. What if Chase Leo cries all night. What if he cries and they can't hear him because they forgot to turn the monitor on in their room. All sorts of things that don't need to be worried about. Yet I still worry. Or, I am worried about things like. Well, I will be all by myself. All alone. (except for my dad's dog Sadie, I am taking her with me.) No one to climb on me, spit-up on me, throw a tantrum at, no screaming, no arguing, no crying. Nothing. How wonderful right? But their will also be no bedtime hugs and goodnight kisses. Or baby snuggles or smiley faces. I know, I know. I so often wish at home for a day that I could spend all to myself. Doing all the errands that need to be done by myself.  Or wanting to go sit in a corner of Barnes and Noble to read a book, have a cup of coffee, or watch the people go by. But I still get to come home after that day of freedom. I guess what I am most scared of is stepping out of my comfort zone. Away from home. Yes I am a grown woman and I don't want to leave home. Things are familiar here.
  I know, I know, I need the time away. To re-group. To relax. To unwind. And the kids need time away from me. To regroup and unwind. Have someone else be with them, play with them, take care of them. A different set of rules and thinking. I have been thinking that I need to take some time for myself. So that I can keep my head up. To continue to be strong and keep on trucking. The only way to do that is take some time off. I guess my fear also is that I don't know if I can.  I have been excited and anxious on and off this week as the day draws nearer. Sometimes when it seems so crazy in the house, I think oh but On Sunday I am going to get some peace and quiet. And then an hour later I think You know, I don't think I need to go. I will miss Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo too much. I am sure you are thinking,  " What is she insane? Why is she so worried, it's only one night?" Yes thats true, it is only one night. But to me everything is a big deal. Any type of change feels huge.  I have taken on so much, but one overnight makes me feel scared. yes I know, silly but yeah I am scared. I keep thinking to myself " well if I get there and I hate it I can always turn around and go home" But then I think "Well what did that prove. Nothing. That I can drive to brown county and back." So what is it that I have to prove? And who do I have to prove it too? I think I have to prove it to me. I have to prove it to myself.
   The other question that keeps swirling around is Why? Why would I be anxious about something so small. Think about it Kathryn a whole nights sleep. All those hours in a row. All the things you could do. Read, crochet, take a walk, have a drink, sit in a bubble bath until their are no more bubbles, write. go horseback riding.  Really why would I think that I could be bored. I should be thinking of it more as a small vacation to myself. What am I really afraid of?  Being alone? I've been alone. Heck I have been alone for almost nine months. Or the thought of being alone, and lonely. Just me and the dog. That's why I decided to take the dog because then I wasn't all alone right? The thing is, the last time I spent time all alone with no kids at home. I laid on the floor and sobbed. I couldn't get up. All I could do was lie on my bedroom floor and cry. I hated that helpless feeling. I don't want to do that again. I mean sure who doesn't need a good cry, but that, that was utter complete despair, alone, loneliness and feeling helpless all wrapped up into one. I am not doing that again.
   I wonder too how will I pay for my overnight. I don't mean with money. I mean, what will my punishment be.   The kids being mad at me for going away. And therefore being horrible. in every way possible. Or that crazy feeling the kids and I had when we came home from Hilton Head in May. The kids and I walked into our house and sort of looked around and then at each other with the same thought " Oh right he's not here."  I know Crazy. I feel crazy for thinking it, I feel crazy for worrying about it. I know, It's just one night. why get so uptight about it.  I am trying to stay positive. All this worrying is probably for nothing. The kids will have fun. I will have a nice Mommy escape." Think Kathryn of the adventure you will have. " I say this to myself.
Am I crazy for writing about it? Maybe, But again its part of me, my thoughts, my worries, my words, my journey, my path. My crazy.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Crazy Heartbreak

I actually wasn't going to write tonight. I hadn't felt the need to. But I was getting ready for bed. And went into Aryanna's room to put some medicine on her mouth while she was sleeping. Since she won't let me do it during the day, or that she rubs it off and her lips then will never get better.  Anyway. I leaned over her to brush the ointment across her lips when I noticed that she was sleeping with her album. This album was given to her a couple of years ago. My sister made the cousins all scrapbooks with pictures of each other in them along with them, and different family members. In this particular album is a couple pictures of Pete. One picture is of Pete holding Petey at about 9 months old, one picture of Pete, me and Aryanna when she was about a yr old. Since Pete has passed away she has slept with this photo album in her bed. But tonight it was right beside her. At this moment I feel my heart break into tiny little pieces. Not only is grief hard but it feel a thousand times worse when you have to see your kids go through the same pain. Or too see that same anguish reflecting in their eyes. Their looks of complete loss and sadness. Eyes that used to sparkle and laugh now look dark, cloudy, and hurt.
    I know it is her way of coping with this horrible thing that has happened but It is so hard to watch her and Petey embrace this new life path that we are all on. So many times his passing colors everything. I often think of things like " Is Aryanna lashing out at Petey b/c she is mad at Daddy or because she is being 5 years old" The thing is that I have started to figure out when it is going to be one of those days for her. Where her grief and anger take over. Lately it seems to happening more often.  We are involved in Brookes Place and that really does help. But we can't go everyday, heck we can't even go every week. It meets every 2 weeks. Petey has been on a waiting list since May. They don't take them until they are 3 years old. At first I thought Oh that's OK he seems to be doing OK. But lately he has been asking more questions. Like when he was getting out of the bathtub the other day and said " Mommy why is Daddy an Angel" and I said " Remember Petey Daddy got sick and he had to go and live with Jesus" Which he replied to " Mommy I want Daddy to come home to us now" I said " I know Buddy, Mommy does too" Or when Aryanna said to me " Mommy did we make Daddy sick, did we give him something" I said " No Bug, you and Petey didn't do anything. Daddy just picked up this bug somewhere and it made him really really sick." I knelt down in front of her and held her face in my hands and told her " Aryanna it's not your fault that Daddy is an Angel." She said" OK Mommy. I miss Daddy" I said " I know, Mommy does too".  It feels impossible. I look up to the sky and say " What, what do you want me to do?" The thing is that kids know so much. They are so much closer to God than we are as adults. They still remember what it's like to be with him. Some people would say "Oh no they don't." But I know that Yes, they do!  Pete and I used to talk about things we did as kids. Pete once told me that he used to talk to his Grandfather. He said he would come into his room and they would talk about stuff. His Dad even remembers when he would come into Pete's room as a boy and ask " Who are you talking to" and Pete would say "Grandpa" Kids know. But still even though they know, I think there is a huge part of them that just doesn't know. It feels hard to explain. But I know my kids. I feel their pain so deeply. I am not saying that if this happened to you , you wouldn't feel it too. But it's not the same. To me it's because I know them and the special gifts that God gave them. I have seen these gifts in action. However it still hurts all the same.
   The other night Aryanna kept telling Petey over and over that Daddy was never coming out of heaven. she just kept saying never over and over again. And then she and Petey started talking about throwing a rope up to Daddy so they could play. And Aryanna had a big plan, Said she was going to pray to Jesus right now and tell Daddy to come to her and help her sleep when she couldn't sleep at night. But she kept going on and on. I kept telling myself that it was her way of handling it so to just let it go. I tried to go outside and get my ipod out of the car and put the headphones in my ears to drown out some of it. But when I went to get in the car the doors were locked and I hadn't brought the keys with me. It feels horrible on the inside. Parts of me want to yell" enough I can't take it anymore please, please stop talking about it." It makes me crazy on the inside. Finally when I think I can't listen anymore she moves on to another topic. And I think to myself Oh good it has passed. But then she does something silly or crazy and I fly off the handle. Her words, their questions make me feel crazy. I feel bad for saying that or thinking that. Because they are kids they are going to ask. I remember nights right after he passed, I would beg God, Please don't let them ask me anything about Pete tonight, Please don't let them ask. I would chant this over and over until prayers were over and I kissed them good night. But I can't imagine what is going on in their minds. So often I hear" oh you know kids are so resilient". And I want to say that may be but they are living in it now. Not later right NOW. It is happening to them now. Their best friend in the whole world, their Daddy that they loved so so much is no longer with them. And they know that he is never coming home. How scary for them. How totally crazy for them. It make me feel crazy for them. I would hate that. I hate it for them. I swear the next time someone says "oh but they aren't going to remember it later". I am going to yell,. Maybe they won't in a few years from now. But they remember it now. They remember it yesterday. They remember that Mommy lost it. That Mommy went a little crazy. They remember the day their whole world turned upside down. They know that they right now they don't have someone to call Daddy. In fact Aryanna spends so much of her day convincing Petey to play house with her where she is the baby and he is the Daddy. Just so she has someone to call Daddy. Now granted I know that is part of the development that she and he are in right now. But some it isn't. A lot of it isn't.  I cringe when I have to say Oh you know that little boy or girl you played with the other day their Daddy is over there. They may not notice it. But I do. I feel that If I was in their shoes I would be looking around at every family and counting to see which family has a Daddy and who doesn't.  I wonder sometimes if A and P don't wish they had t-shirts that said " My daddy's in Heaven, I am having a bad day" I am always amazed that when we go somewhere new where there are lots of families around that they don't walk up to someone and say " You know my Daddy's in Heaven". I actually have that fear that Aryanna just might do that. And I feel bad for the poor parent that she says it to.
  Yes Aryanna is head strong and bull headed. But lets be real here she gets it honestly. Look at her Mom and  Dad. She is so independent and so not. I get so frustrated when she picks the most inopportune times to say Mommy lets snuggle. It's those times when everything is crazy Like Dinner time or going to target. Again it's her way of trying to have something sane to hold on to. I am surprised that she picks me to hold onto. SInce so often I feel so Insane. I know that is my own insecurities but I just hope that one day when they do look back at this crazy time in their life. I hope they can know that Mommy loves them so much and that I did the best that I knew how. Its Crazy heartbreak, it's mine and theirs. It feels at times too crazy. And looking at that album tonight made me just want it to all go away. Just go away heartbreak and let us be, just for a little while. We know you have to come back because thats how it is. Thats how we learn, thats how we grow, thats how we keep on moving forward. One crazy step at a time.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Just plain Crazy

You know I am real tired of doing things by myself. Those irritating "Family outings". Things that Pete and I would have done together I now have to do by myself. I am done!! Today was one of those things that I thought would be fun. It's such a nice day lets go out and do something. The kids were insane in the house. So why not go out get some chicken nuggets and head to a park. So off we went. Got the chicken and then headed to the par. It was a park we hadn't been to before I mean we had played at the splash pad but not at the playground that was hidden in the woods. I get out of the car, get the stroller out. Adjust the seat. Take Chase Leo out of the car seat and into the stroller put the well packed diaper bag in the bottom of the stroller. Unbuckle Petey, drive stroller to other side of the car unbuckle Aryanna. Shut all the doors and head to the playground. When A and P shout they have to go potty!! So I said OK lets wait a minute and eat some more lunch and then go to the potty. b/c sometimes going to the potty is just something to do. So we went over to the playground. All is going well until Petey decides that he can't wait any longer and Pee's in the mulch at the playground. Wonderful!!  So then Chase Leo gets fussy. And needs to eat. Get out the baby food. And start to feed him. Then Aryanna says she must go to the potty right this instant. Finish feeding Chase Leo pack up the stuff and head to the bathroom. Once inside the bathroom is gross and both potty;s have ick in them. SO back to the car to get the travel potty when Lo and behold I don't have it. I remember I took it into the house to clean it out. Lovely!! So everybody into the car. Meanwhile Petey is crying cause he wants to play in the splash pad when I have told him over and over that I didn't bring his bathing suit that I had only planned to play on the playground. I should have known better. At this pint I feel like no matter what I do everything I do bites me in the ass. Tried to take kids to do something fun and it again doesn't work. Then I feel that If Pete would have been with me, maybe I could have made the trip last a little longer and it would have been a nice day for a fun family event.
 SO load all back into the car. Chase Leo is crying by this point and A and P are arguing over something insane. Everyone in buckles and away we go to go home. A lovely day that I feel was wasted. All that preparing and who knows if they had any fun and I feel completely alone!!
  Alone, Alone., alone. Sometimes I feel that I can't even describe this type of loneliness unless you are a widow then you get it.  The thing is that I don't want to have to wait to ask someone to come over to help me go to the park. For God's sakes Its the damn park. I know, I know some of this every single mother in the whole world has to deal with when they try to go out to the zoo or to the park or anything. But on the other hand it feels like I am  the only one at the moment who has to feel this alone. Tired of looking at all the families together. It's Sunday afternoon. Oh and for the love of GOD I cannot get Petey to shut the hell up for just a minute. Why is it that When I want to just write some stuff out so that I don't blow completely up they can't just give me some space. I even old them what I was doing. and no amount of ignoring is helping. And now Chase Leo is at me feet banging his head into the couch crying that he needs my attention. Again if Pete were here he could entertain them so that I could write. But if he were here I wouldn't need a blog at all. Sometimes it just keeps coming back to that whole thing again. But He is not here and I am writing this blog and I am having a bad day and I am frustrated with life and, and , AND!! today it feels never ending.
 I just wanted to go to the park and have some fun with the kids. So now I feel Crazy on the inside crazy on the outside Just Plain Crazy!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Crazy Widow-Wear

What is " Widow-Wear" you may ask? A shirt or articles of clothing that states " I am a Widow" In big bold letters on shirts that are the color of orange that hunters wear. That way everyone see's you coming. Shirts that read "Yes, I am a recent widow don't F@%*# with me!" Or  " Recent widow,pregnant, and VERY Very Angry"  Or even " Recent Widow + 3 kids = Completely insane"  Therefore when your in the middle of Target trying to buy some groceries with three screaming kids in the cart you don't have everyone in the whole store giving those looks. Like "Lady shut your kids up" or "That crazy lady is at the store doing her shopping with all of her kids, she's insane" Which my reply is " Yes, I am well aware that I am insane!!" But again what choice do I have. Wait until I can find yet another person to help me out so that I can run to the store? Or pay a sitter so that I can run to the store? Yes both of these choices are easier and the american public will thank me for it but, I don't have time to wait or arrange something to be set up. Because at some point weather I have a sitter or not I will eventually have to go places by myself with all three children. Sorry people it just has to be done.  The major item that I was in dire need of was frozen waffles. Aryanna and Petey think these things are just the best things in the whole wide world. They even eat them frozen. So for breakfast in the mornings I just open the freezer, open the box, pull one out and hand it to each kid. Voila breakfast is served!! A single mom's dream.
  But back to Target or any store for that matter. I get the oddest looks. Like people can't believe that I would actually leave my house and venture out into the world with three small children. Therefore the t-shirt comes in handy. It also comes in handy when say we cry in the middle of the store for no reason. For example When I was standing in the frozen foods isle picking out my single serving of "smart ones" dinners. I used to cook. When I had someone to cook for. Or another time of crying came about when my kids were going insane in the store and I was getting all sorts of looks and I just started to cry. Because I had had it. My thought to myself then was " Really? What was I thinking? That I could go to the store and Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo would all behave at the same time for the whole trip to Target?"  Now granted this thought could make any single mom or married mom cry. These are things that mothers on a daily basis have to deal with. Like when you take your child to the store for the first time. It's that trying to decide who goes in the car first the food or the kid. If it's hot you would want to put the kid in first. But then what if someone comes up behind you and tries to steal your car and your child is in there. Then they are trying to steal your car and your new baby. Honestly every mother has these thoughts. It just gets more complicated when you add more children to the mix. And in my case it's Do you put the baby in first or the bigger ones. If you put the baby in the car first he has to wait longer in the hot car than say the bigger ones do. And the baby just can't be to hot. But if you put the big ones in the car first then you leave the baby out in the cart. What if someone tries to steal your cart with all the groceries  in it to get some free food. Then what, not only are they after the free food but they have your baby in the cart. Do you see where I am going with this? it's just a crazy cycle that goes on in a mothers brain!! And when you add grief on top of it well it's just amazing that I even get out of the car to go into a store.  And there again is another point where a t-shirt would come in handy.
  I mean people really have no idea how hard it is to do some of the things that I have to do. Going to the store is part of it. So if my kids are a little insane in the store, they have no idea what it took to get us there. It;s no wonder that I sometimes cry in the middle of the store. I mean think about the last time you were under a lot of stress. The stress itself is debilitating but then add your life and work on top of it. Don't you feel like you are walking through sludge? That it's impossible to get anything done. You can't get to work on time, always running late. Constantly frustrated and mad at everyone. Well that is kind of what grief is like. Only in my case and in other young widows with children cases you not only have your stress and grief but your children's stress and grief as well.  On days when everyone is somewhat stable it's an awesome day! But, if you are off and say one of your kids is having a day too well, I might as well just throw in the towel.  Yet for me it seems to be that these days when everything is completely crazy I decide to go to the store!! Again I am so crazy!! Because I can't satnd being at home. I have to get out of there. So everybody in the car, we are going to target!!  Maybe the t-shirts could have like those dry erase boards attached to them with flshing lights too. That way I could just write things like "Recent Widow, REALLY REALLY Cranky" Or " Recent Widow, Please don't ask me how I am" Or even" Recent Widow, kids have had no naps" So I could wear the shirts, have Target on speed dial so that they could annouce my arrival to the whole store. Then noone  would be giving me those looks. The instant we cross the threshold people scatter. However I am sure that " Widow-Wear would be short lived because then they would come out with " Divorce-Wear, and  " Just Totaled my Car-Wear". Because heaven forbid Widows be singled out (lol heaven forbid) Maybe I should just come up with some sort of symbol that stand for Widow. And No I am not going to pick a spider. If it was just a symbol it could be universal. So everyone near and far that saw that symbol knew that Yes, you are a widow. Therefore people could hopefully be a little bit more considerate when they see you coming.
  So next time you are in a store and some Crazy Red-Haired lady comes racing down the isle with hair going in all directions and kids falling out of the cart. Give me a little room and consideration. For I am one Crazy Widow!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Crazy Horse Lady

This evening I had a friend come over to watch the kids  while I went to go for a ride. I was hoping for a nice pleasant ride. Start at a walk then kick it up to blow off the ick from the day. Let the warm ( OK Hot) breeze blow across my face and through my hair. Making me forget about being a mommy and just remember being a woman on a horse. But no such luck.  I wasn't even out of the drive way when my horse Bo had his own ideas. The main idea was that he wasn't leaving the barn lot to go on some stinking ride. He wanted to stay home and be lazy and much on grass and swat at flies. Yeah like that sounds like fun. Stand around or go for a run. Personally I would pick go for a run. but thats just me. Anyway. We are walking along just dandy when Bo decides he doesn't want to go any further. so he starts to turn around. And I am like No, We are going forward not in circle. Bo does not like this so he decides to rear up. Well, now I am game for  pretty much anything. but I  wasn't in the mood to end up on my butt on the ground looking up at him. Besides this wasn't following my nice leisurely ride plan. I wanted all of his hooves to stay on the ground, thank you. According to my dad that is just his way of showing off. Well, great but I don't want him to show off I want him to play nice. So I asked Bo what was going on. I get him turned around the right direction again and off we set on our " little leisurely ride" ( right)
   We make it across the street and down the hill into the lower field. getting ready to cross a bridge. It's a small bridge it's not mammoth. Its just big enough to cross over a small creek. He doesn't want to go. Instead he would rather go backwards instead of forwards anything to get away from going over the bridge. Because to him going over that bridge means a longer ride, he of course is done and wants to go home. Finally I was like. Look I spend all day arguing with kids the last thing I want to do is argue with a horse too. So We went his way. Around the outside of the big field. Which actually turned out great. There were so many butterfly's on the trees. Just beautiful big orange monarch butterfly's. Flying all around. I was in awe. Maybe there is something to be said for going his way. I mean It wasn't what I had in mind but I had a nice time anyway.  Seems like there are lots of things that turn out that way.
  Later as we got back to the barn I was kind of mad at myself. I thought Why couldn't I make him go. I mean I was afraid that I would get thrown off. I have fallen off before and it's no big deal. But this time I thought what happens if I fall off and break something. Then what? It's not like Pete could just take a few days off work so that I could re-coop. I mean sure If I think rationally about it. I could make it work get some extra help. But it was just that brief moment where I was like. I can't let anything happen to me. I have 3 kids depending on me. In some ways I thought OK am I really afraid of this or just some cop out that I didn't want to push the horse too far. I guess either way you look at it. If I pushed the horse to o far I might end up on the ground. But so what. right?  Even now as I think about that moment. I still keep coming back, to my kids need me. As I walked Bo back to the barn I felt like a coward. Like i didn't step up to the plate. Like maybe I wasn't as brave as I used to be when it came to horses. But was I ever?
  I like to think I was. But then we like to think we are brave about lots of things right? Yet I remember a time when I went round and round with my horse King. Literally we went around in circles I wanted to go one way and he wanted to go back to the barn. But I was not going to let him. I wasn't afraid then, more pissed off than anything. I wanted to go for a ride and I couldn't understand why he wanted to go back to the barn. But it was almost like his way of testing me to see if I really meant it. We were best friends after that.
  I think about Bo tonight and I wonder was he testing me too? I want to ask him Really Bo? You want to  put me through a test? Do you have any idea what kind of  "test" I have been going through?  Like to see if I really meant it. If I think about the test I am going through now. I think I would pass. I know I would pass. But it's not really about the test is it? It's about weather you are really going to go through with what you start. With Bo I didn't want to land on the ground. I was afraid I would break something. Like in my body. My strong body that I need to care for my kids. But If I think about in life, my life, My new life. Am I going to finish what I started? And yes, I am. Because I am strong but also because I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to Pete. Even though we only had Pete for a very short time he and I had a life together, we had a family together and you can bet your life on wild horses that I am going to finish what we, and now I started.  Am I scared? Hell yes I am scared, but If I fall off I know how to get back on. I have done it before I can do it again.
  So Bo may have gotten what he wanted a nice short easy ride, But next time it may not be so easy for me to just give in . I have learned that I am not a person who backs down when it gets hard. I finish what I start. So Bo lets saddle up, and try again.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Crazy Lonely

I feel empty and hollow this evening. I miss Pete. The day was a good one. We had a play date that lasted pretty much all day. However its the end of the evening. the kids are all in bed. And here I sit. This would normally be the time that Pete and I would sit in bed and watch the Food network. Or he would tell me about his day. and I would vent about mine. Sure there I things I could do. Like clean the kitchen for example. It looks like a bomb exploded in there. Lately it bothers me to no end that its a mess. but tonight I just don't care. I don't have it in me to worry about it. The kitchen and it's mess will still be looking at me in the morning. I could watch a movie, tool around on the ever popular Facebook, or even work on my squares that I am crocheting. But Again I just don't want to.
  This type of loneliness is crazy. Its like being depressed and empty all at the same time. On nights like these where I am tired but don't want to sleep. I wander around my kitchen searching for something to fill the void. Usually Dark Chocolate. Lots of dark Chocolate. Then I hate myself later. I beat myself up and say to myself You are never going to get that baby weight off if you eat a pound of Dove dark chocolate. Which doesn't help the loneliness, the depression and the " I don't care's" Because I do care. I just really don't have the energy, I guess to care.  See what I mean Crazy.,  It's crazy thinking. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Some times the thing that takes over is the feelings of just fill the void!! In the end I just want to shout inside my brain Stop It!! No more chatter. Shut up so I can just listen for Pete's voice. I know it is in there I know it is.
   I feel his energy in the house. Sometimes I get up in the morning and things from the top of the fridge have been knocked down to the floor. I know there is no way the cats could have gotten up there. Especially since the counters are all full of crap. It's his way of saying I am here.  Aryanna used to say to me Mommy don't cry just ask Daddy to come to you in your dreams. I looked up at her and asked her "Does Daddy come to you in your dreams?" she said "Yes, and he sits with my while I fall asleep, he sits in my rocking chair." So really If I feel him so strongly in the house and the kids are seeing him in the house, why be so lonely.
 I just want to hold his hand. Look at his face, Feel his embrace. So many people would ask me " So are you getting any sleep?" and I would want to yell Why would I sleep? I don't want to go to bed alone. In the same breath that people ask me that, they tell me a story about how hard it is for them to go to sleep when their husband is out of town. Is that supposed to make me feel better. Really? I feel worse. You at least know that your spouse is coming home from his/her business trip. Mine is NEVER coming home again.  SO why ask me if I am sleeping. Could you sleep??
 The hard thing is that I know people are trying, they just don't know what to say. There is no guide book, no rule book on what to ask what not to ask. I think people are curious. Maybe in their mind I might be sleeping great. Cause lets think about it. I have been running around all day chasing 3 children. How could one not be tired or asleep. That brings me back to my fist point Crazy lonely. Don't want to sleep just want to eat chocolate. Lots and LOTS of chocolate.  I miss him, I want him to come home now. I am tired. I don't want to go to bed alone. I don't want to eat a pound of chocolate. I just want him. So I can say Come sit beside me Roo, Roo. hold my hand , tell me about your day. Then I could look into those laughing eyes and say  "Want some Chocolate? I will share it with you."  Instead I look at myself and in this moment I feel like some crazy  lonely widow sitting on the couch eating a ton of chocolate looking at my messy kitchen beating myself up about being chubby, how I should just get up and put all the the dishes in the dishwasher it's not that hard.  But right now, I don't want to. So I will just sit and wait until I am tired enough to drop into bed. Not thinking. Just dreaming. And knowing that tomorrow is a new day. Granted it will be crazy but still, it is a new day. Another day to step forward.  

Monday, August 2, 2010

Crazy Haze

I never thought I would be a widow at the ripe old age of 31. Let alone being 7 and a half months pregnant as well. When Pete passed away I kept thinking this isn't happening. What am I going to do now? I often try to forget those first few moments and days and weeks that followed. In fact thinking about them now causes me to feel light headed and nauseous. I knew one thing for sure my life would never be the same. How was I going to raise three kids by myself. Only months before I can remember sitting on the bed talking with Pete about how I didn't know how single mom's did it. I told Pete that I felt very blessed that I was not a single mom and that I was lucky I got to stay home with my kids.  Who knew that I would eventually eat my words.
   I remember Chase Leo's birth. I don't remember much about being in the hospital. Except that everyone kept telling me to rest. And I thought " Why?" How can I rest. I will thought never forget the day I brought Chase Leo home from the hospital. How horrible it was to walk into my own house and not have Pete be there. It was like a nightmare.I  kept wanting to ask someone, " Where's Pete. Why isn't he here, He is SUPPOSED to be here"    He is supposed to be here to hold his new baby boy, to look into his beautiful navy blue eyes and rub his hand over all his soft fuzzy dark hair. To marvel at the fact that he is so beautiful and so small, so perfect. He is supposed to be here to hold him while I go and rest. To take pictures with the kids. To tell them to be nice to mommy becuase Mommy's tummy has a boo boo. He is supposed to hold my hand and kiss me and smile that smile that was so him. But he didn't, He wasn't, he couldn't. It was impossible for him to be physically present  with me with us. That Pete, My Pete, could never physically be present again.
  The seconds, the minutes, the hours that followed were unbearable. So bad that I don't remember them. The days, the weeks, were so dark, so empty so hollow. I often prayed for the ground to just split open and swallow me whole. I hurt so bad. I kept thinking how can I hurt this bad and not have a physical gaping wound. How are people just walking around me and not asking how they can stop this insane bleeding gushing out of me.  I was so scared. I worried so much about Aryanna and Petey. I kept thinking I want to be with Pete but I can't leave my children. My beautiful amazing children who I love so much. I can't do that to them. I can't watch them from the " other side" grow up without me. They already lost their best friend and the most amazing daddy ever they can't lose their Mommy too.
  So much of those days were a blur. And still are. I sadly don't remember Chase Leo as a newborn. I remember him in pictures. I remember the need I felt that I had to be with him. That my being away from him was excruciating. I had to, I needed to breathe in his baby smell. I had to hold his little body so close to my heart. I do remember holding him and sobbing. Just out of control helpless sobbing. I would would just scream in my mind "Pete I need you, I need you. I can't do this without you".   Somehow though, I did.
  I found a good therapist. A woman I had known since I was a teenager. I was blessed to have a baby nurse. She was one of the most loving, understanding, and strong woman I had ever met. My sisters and I used to call her the "Baby Whisperer." She understood my grief she too had been a widow once. Many nights after Chase Leo was asleep in bed and Aryanna and Petey were asleep, she would stay up and talk with me. She didn't have to, but she did. My sisters and friends and people I didn't even know were coming and going. The kids and I had 24 hour care for weeks and weeks. I didn't know how we were going to make it, but at the end of the day I would go to bed wondering how another day had passed and we had all survived it. I know now that it was God and the Angels, that was carrying us all and helping us to survive yet another day.
 Along with a very special, and truly amazing Angel named Pete.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Crazy Lady

For those of you who know me will probably think that this is the best name for this blog. I guess I wanted to start one since often times I feel that I am losing my mind or going crazy. I thought  " Lady why not write down this crazy journey that I am on."   That way I can share my world with you through my eyes. My hope is that  by writing it all out  I could help another young widow/widower  understand that maybe being crazy is just what we need to have the strength and inspiration to move forward.  That even though our loss is unfathomable and our lives have been turned completely upside down and inside out. There is light, joy, and maybe some "sanity" on the other side of this whirlwind!