Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Crazy worth?

If Pete would have just lived... What? Would I  have learned anything about myself ? I wouldn't know what it was like to bleed from the inside out and still remain breathing. I wouldn't have had to watch my kids suffer so much from the loss of their best friend and Daddy? I would still have him, to look into his eyes, and hear his laughter. But he didn't live. he died.
   Today feels like the kind of day where I feel like all my hard work at moving forward feels like I am standing still. Trying to constantly look at the positive can wear a person out at times. The constant motion just to keep going, to learn, to grow, to change to make it different and make a difference for that matter.. to remember who I was. to grieve the lost and try to just keep pulling, pushing, and tugging on those around me to keep moving forward. Cause there is no going back. I can't just keep re living those days in the hospital.. the days after that I only remember in fragments or from memories of what others tell me. I have to at some point just put them in a box and Label them 2009.
  Today I am angry, sad , and feelings of being worthless and not measuring up surround me. It seems that no amount of telling me that I am loved, will I hear it. cause right now I can;t feel it. I feel irrational, and lost a bit. like I just can't continue on today. I can't pick up the house, I can't keep in organized, and can't even paret, I feel angry at myself. and really that's what it boils down to. Angry at myself;  and really needing to figure out how to forgive myself. It's no ones fault, no one did anything, it's that I can't hear the love, I can't feel the love until I learn to love me.. And right now I don't see anything when I look in the mirror that is worth accepting of love... And weather its being mad at Pete, or for all the emotions and fears that I never allowed myself to feel, because there wasn't time before. I had to take care of my kids and stay pregnant. Then it was all about taking care of an infant and keep moving, and keep doing,  and learning how to do it on my own. And take care of the house and pay the bills, and worry about the money, and where it's coming from, and where its going, and, and, and. Its  not until recently that I have found love again and realizing how much I had missed it. With love comes fear, fears that are irrational or maybe only rational to someone like me who knows what its like to lose the love of your whole world.
     I loved Pete so much, I needed Pete in away that may not have been the healthiest. And I thought that he had saved me. And when he died I thought that I would NEVER have that again. I would never be safe again. I was so completely unaware of how I would live my life without him. Yet here I am two years later living my life. Being in charge of all the things that he did, along with doing the house and being a mother, a friend, a sister, a girlfriend a co worker the list goes on. Things that I never thought I could do, or would do. And while I should be so proud... it's in this moment I don't feel any of those.
  I know it is not rational. But it"s the hurt inside that take over and kills the rational side of me. It makes me stand still and feel like a concrete statue in my living room. I yell, and cry, and scream at myself on the inside. I berate myself and tell myself over and over that I am a bad parent. And the worthlessness creeps in and makes me feel like I just don't matter. Or that if Pete had  just lived... But that in itself is a whole other crisis. What if he had lived. Who know what all of the medicines and sickness would have done to him. Who is to say he would have been the same man.. and if he couldn't do the same things, that he had always loved, or if he couldn't move in the same manner he always had, would have changed him. Made him frustrated and mad to be in the position that he was in. Who is to say weather I wouldn't be grieving, but over the loss of a great man who once was and in his place was a man who looked just like Pete but acted nothing like him. The questions of if only Pete had lived... would he have really lived in the same manner? Or the question of What if he had healed completely and been the same happy go lucky man.. what then.
    I get that there is a reason.. though many say there isn't. I guess for me and my healing I have to believe that  there is a reason. If I think of the woman that I was before and the woman I am now.. it;s like night and day. I think I finally grew up. I was so scared to before...  If I could just look at how far I have come in these two years one would think I wouldn't hate myself so much. But for some reason and some issues that I don't want to talk about here...I believe that I have failed. The thing I have felt since I was a child, failure.. And I realize in this moment that is my next hurdle. Learning to forgive myself and learning to realize that I am not a failure.
   But in this moment.. I cry, for the pain I couldn't feel before, for the anger that seems to at times consume me. My "failures" to be the best mother, the best house keeper, the most organized, the best in my business, each thought crushes me and makes me feel unappreciated, and feelings of being worthless. However. I can say, that I know in the right and sane mind. I am not these things. I have to hope and know, that I strive not to be these things. That I am worthy of love, and acceptance. But it's not the acceptance from others that I need. It's the acceptance from myself. To believe in me, to love me, to trust in me. Only then can I hear, taste, feel, and breathe in the love and light that is surrounding me now, always has been and always will be. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A cranky and Crazy heart.

I wanted so much to make this a fun day, for myself and for my kids. I think I did a pretty good job. But I had my moments of sheer frustration. For one I couldn't seem to stop chanting over and over in my head that this was the day that Pete proposed to me all those years ago.  It was like I wanted to shout to my psyche "Thanks, I got it. You can shut up now!"  So for a part of the day I had this inner battle going on. Trying to be happy and appear that today is a fun day on the outside. While on the inside the anxiety and the dumbness of it all was taking a hold of my heart. Squeezing it and making it hard to feel anything other that agony. I had to get out. So I took the boys to get their haircut.  It was the distraction I needed not only from my own head but it also stopped my from eating too many Valentine m&m's. :)  I am realizing that sugar makes my grief and my crankiness go through the roof. So often it was my "happiness" and now it's my frustration. Lovely!
  When Aryanna got home from school we ran an errand then home to make Aryanna's favorite for dinner. Since for some dumb reason her school didn't have a valentines party I thought that we should have a Valentines party at home then. So Pig's in a Blanket, Chicken nuggets, and Valentine muddy buddies (or puppy chow, which I also ate too much of  as well.) The kids had fun and I gave them their Valentines. It was as the evening was winding down that the cranky's came in and took over. So much for my hard work at trying to block them out. Thinking that the more fun I made the night, the better it would be. I mean I had been planning this for days. I was surprised at how I felt this morning. At one point I finally got my rings out of my jewelry box and put them on my finger for a few minutes. Then felt weird like I always do when I put them on, and put them back in the jewelry box next to his wedding band.
  I don't know what I thought would happen. I guess nothing. The day was hard. It had its ups and downs like any other day but this one was jaded with thoughts of what was. I remember so much of that day. Isn't it crazy? The first year he passed my friend gave me a charm bracelet. And when I opened it I kept thinking "what am I forgetting about this day?" It seriously took me like all day to remember what it was. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest. And I thought to myself and out loud "How could I forget something like that?" While it's been two years since he passed and its all I could think about today. Chalk it up to another "Crazy" moment  I guess. But if I sit and really let myself think about that Valentines day in 2002 I smile at the memory.
   I was dog sitting for a friend of mine. She had this beautiful Irish Setter. Her dogs fur and my hair we almost the same color. I brought her over to Pete's apartment. She was very well trained. I had worked at the salon all day, but I had arranged for one of those cookie baskets to be delivered to his work. I had one of the cookies say I love you Roo! So Penelope and I went over to his apartment where he decided to make homemade pizza.  Sadly the pizza didn't turn out very well but, it was OK cause we had cookies! :)  After dinner we cleaned the dishes and such and I remember looking around like "OK where is my present? I spent 80 bucks on a cookie basket you better have gotten me at least something." lol!  After the dishes were done he suggested we watch a movie. So I went to go and look at the movies. and he said I forgot something.. So silly me still wondering where my gift is I see him come out of the bedroom with a small white fuzzy teddy bear. The teddy bear was wearing a white knitted sweater with a red heart on it. He hands me the bear and gets down on one knee, I look at the bear to realize that around the bears neck on a ribbon is my ring. He says "will you marry me?" I was so surprised that I forgot to answer.  He said "Are you going to leave me down here?" And I said "OH!. Yes, Yes, I will marry you!"  I was speechless. And So surprised. Funny how I can still remember that feeling. I remember I tried to call my mom and my sister and no one answered. finally I got my middle sister on the phone and I said "Guess what?" and she said "he proposed?" I was like uhhhh yeah he did.. and I thought, hello you aren't supposed to guess if you know the answer you are supposed to let me tell you!! But it was all so exciting.
   I remember the look on his face, the excitement of finally being engaged to this man. I also remember being scared too. Cause what if I wasn't ready to get married. I remember asking him that a couple days later. I said "Would you wait for me if I am not ready to get married right away?" So scared of what he would have said "He said, I will wait for you, if you're not ready yet that's fine we can wait." That was all I needed to hear from him. cause then I was like OK lets get married! :)  Ready, set , plan. And we did. We planned an amazing wedding. And we had and incredible life together.
   So why be cranky on a day that changed my life forever? Who knows... Why not celebrated and be happy? I guess on some level it still seems so hard to believe that he's not physically in his body anymore. That everything happend the way it did and that I would only get 7 Valentines days with him. Isn't it crazy the places your mind goes.. On the flip side I am still grateful for those Valentines that I had. And even though i was angry, and cranky at times today I wouldn't change it. I am where I am supposed to be and he is where he is supposed to be for now. While one never knows what the next Valentines day will bring. I know for sure of one thing. My Roo, will always be my First Valentine.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Gone Crazy by grief..

What is it about grief that can at times make me feels so isolated? That no one could possibly begin to understand what this horrid loss is like?  Unless of course, you have had a loss. The thing is that no one is me, right? I am me, and it's my loss, and it's my experience, and it's my pain. People can sympathize with me but they still don't feel it, like I feel it! So therefore that's where the isolation comes in.
     I went to visit my Grandmother today. Since today is the 4th  Angelversary of my Grandpa's passing. I wanted to see her and spend some time with her, so she wasn't alone on this day. The kids were crazy like they usually were, when I used to go to her house to visit. But hopefully we made her day a little better.
     There is a scrapbook on her coffee table that my siblings and I made for her and my Grandpa to look through on days when he was having a "good" day. We thought that maybe she and him would enjoy looking at the silly pictures of us kids and our parents at the cabin in Minnesota. A place that they spent their summers when my dad and uncle were younger. Then later where we kids  spent ours too. It was in that scrapbook that I ran across a picture I had forgotten about. It was Pete and I and my Grandmother and Grandpa sitting at a table inside one of our favorite spots in MN. Can I tell you how strange it was to look at that picture. My Grandpa's smile jumped off the page, and how interesting it was that Pete and him were sitting across the table from each other. But It was me that thought, "here I sit with my Grandmother on her couch in 2012 and both of these strong and vibrant men are dead. Both of them! One in his mid 80's the other in his mid 30's. It's these moments that take my breath and leave me looking around going... "Wait..What?"  There we sat  two Widows on the couch. One 90 and one 33.
    On the way home from my Grandmothers I wanted to do something fun for the kids since they did a pretty good job playing so well together. Dumb me, thinking that this was a good idea. Aryanna ended up being horrible and ungrateful which made me crazy mad. I told her I wouldn't buy her a cake pop again. I used the rest of my  starbucks gift card to do something nice for A and P and it went all kinds of crazy. I know it's just a few bucks but to me it felt like more that just a few bucks. It was something that I had been saving and I used it to share it with them.  I drove home with my ear buds in my ears and the music on my ipod turned up.
    Who is to say whether I would have been so upset if I wasn't upset before hand. I just didn't realize that I was so upset, and how much that picture had shaken me. It was on the drive home that I started in on Pete in my head. Thinking things like. "Why did you leave me here to raise her by myself?" and " Why did you leave me when I was pregnant?" and " Don't you remember me sitting in the rocking chair holding our brand new baby sobbing and crying for you to come home to me?" Why did you do this?"
   I know on so many levels that he didn't choose to leave. He had to leave. It's the process. Its realizing the hell I went through and still, having these hurtful and stupid moments where I am still looking around going Why aren't' you here with me. I can't do this without you. I don't' know how to get through to Aryanna the way you did. It's the constant worry about money, the cleaning the house and picking up after the kids and fighting with them and getting Aryanna off to school and doing all of those things that other mothers do, but adding on to it a whole other level. I look around and say "What is going on here?" While I have changed so much and I am not the woman I was, and in so many ways is such a good thing. There are moments where I want the life I once had, just for a moment. And yet even though I say that  I don't want that life either. I want this one. (You know how I have so often said that I am crazy this is a fine example)   Cause this is where I am, not there.  It's the grief that makes me feel like I am all alone. I wonder does my grandmother feel like she is alone in her grief? The loss of a mate can't be compared to anything else. Does it hurt worse at 90? She had 60 or so years of marriage with my Grandpa. While I had only 6.
  I was sitting in the rocking chair in my room after I had gotten the kids in the house. The two big ones in time out and the little one on my lap. I leaned my head back and let the tears roll down my cheeks. The anger, the loss, the helpless all rising up and out of me. Did I fail him? And Why don't I miss him? Right now I am just mad at him. So many times over these two years I have heard about how strong I was and  brave I was. It was in these tears that I finally cried for the fear that I never felt. There wasn't time. All I could think at the time was of the horrid and heart breaking anxiety and of the love of my life gone. I loved him more than breath. He was my breath. How I cried for him. And how I kept going, was only God. Its the tears of all the anger towards him. I had a baby alone! I raised a baby and two toddles alone!  And I never thought of a future without Pete. I never thought of ever finding happy again. I was nothing, but an empty shell of a woman who once was. Maybe that's why I am so angry now. Why I am so angry on a regular basis. Cause I never knew it was there. and I never allowed myself to feel it. It wasn't safe, there wasn't time. I had to keep going. Get the kids up, take them to school, make lunch, make dinner, feed the baby. It was me. There wasn't another physical being in this house to give me a break the way a husband could.
   While I am still frustrated with Aryanna, and I still feel isolated in my grief. At least I know that it is only temporary.. What "Brookes Place" refers to as a "grief burst." Thats exactly what I had today. I also know that these are all part of this crazy process. It still feels stupid, and these moments pick me up and slam me into a wall backwards. I know though if I was being rational, that this is how I heal. How, with each burst I stitch another piece of my heart back together. In some ways it feels like I am pulling farther away from Pete. But its realizing that I have to in order to move forward. Not that I am pushing him out, or cutting him out of my life. Or even that I am leaving him behind. I am bringing the beauty of who he was with me. I could never leave him behind. He is a part of me, he makes up a part of who I once was. With his life, his love for me and the kids along with the man that he was, while he was here.  I can carefully stitch  all of that and my life lessons into my heart, to make up a new, whole, and loving heart.