Sunday, May 29, 2011

This Mad Crazy Lady!!

The crazy lady is back. More like the mad crazy lady. Mad at my kids and mad a Pete!!  Which seems stupid. how can you be mad at a dead guy. He is lucky he is not here. I am .His kids and I are here. doing what? trying to live our lives without him. How are we doing Pete?
  I made the drive to Batavia with three kids. It was great!! No really, the drive part was fine. And the picnic was good too. Unfortunately it rained the whole time. It was really nice to see everyone. But it was really hard too. Cause there we all were just standing around waiting for Pete to come bustling in through the door and he never did. He never does!!
  It's the coming home back to the house and knowing that he is not here to greet us. Still!! I wonder how long it will be that I will keep waiting for him to be there. I want to shout to myself. Idiot he is not here. He hasn't been for almost 19 months now. Why would he be here now. Its the frustration of not being able to deal. to just deal with everything. The kids need me and I need to just sit in the corner and cry and shout until I feel better. But then I don't want the kids to look at me and be scared. Right now I am thankful the big ones are in bed. Yet mad at the little one cause he is pulling my hair. I can either be mad at him or I can write about what I am really mad about. I am mad that I am still here and PEte is not. I can't change it, I can't go back. I can't undo it. I can't do anything. It feels very helpless at times. It's these helpless moments that make me want to just run down the street screaming my head off. Will I feel better? I don't know. Will it bring Pete back. NO! So why would I feel better. I don't know.
  I am mad at the world tonight. Mad, mad. Mad. And Mad that I can't do a single thing. I can't take some pill to feel happy again. I could drink it away. But then I would have a hangover and be mad that I have a hangover and then will remember why I have the hangover and therefore it comes back to just being mad. So why go through the whole drink it away. It doesn't help. Nothing does when I am in the mad state.
  So what should I do? I don't know. I guess write out my frustrations to share them with you instead of taking them out on the harmless bystanders. Like A,P, and CL. I know it is not their fault either. I just don't seem to have the patience to handle all their emotions and the "coming home" emotions that they feel as well. I get tired of being the "strong one" all the time. Be strong for them, be strong for those around me. To be calm, act like the world is my oyster. Well it's not. And today I don't want to be strong I want to be mad. even though it seems  counterproductive. Again whats the point. And yet I can't help but be mad!
  So I guess, I will go and put my cranky baby to sleep. Feeling mad at the whole process. Yet knowing tomorrow is a "new" day, thank goodness. Pete still won't be here. But we will.  We will keep going like we always do. Mad or not, We will make it.

1 comment:

  1. Hello there- just read a few more of your entries and wanted to say how much writing has helped me and I believe it is helping you too. I'm so glad this outlet is available- the internet is a wonderful thing. Sending good wishes your way.