Sunday, May 22, 2011

Facing the music "feels" extra Crazy!

Do you ever feel that you are carrying the world? I don't feel that I am carrying the whole world, I just mean that I am carrying my world.  I always try my best to look at the whole picture. To see things from all perspectives. However there still seems to be a few things that I have yet to face. The two that I can think of off the top of my head are:  What to do with Pete's truck and going "home" to Illinois.  The problem with the truck is that even though I have one of Pete's friends who would gladly take it, I just don't know how I feel about seeing it driving around Indianapolis without him in it. It just feels weird. Maybe that means it's just not time yet. I go back and forth on this. Sometimes I think. "OK, I am ready, lets be done with it." Plus I know Pete would have wanted it to be used if someone is in need of transportation. The other times. I feel like its one of those things, that was so him.  It's like all of his model cars they are so him.  Now granted I don't want his truck sitting in my driveway, and I don't really want to physically see it. But I just can't seem to "let it go."
  The other major one is going home. I know, I need to do it. And I feel the pressure big time to do it. But I just can't face it yet!  I don't know how to tell his parents that. I so feel grateful for the driving they do to come here. And I know it must be so hard for them to come here. To his house to see the kids and everything with out him physically here. How hard and odd it must feel to them. I just feel stuck. At what point do I just push myself to get over "it" and just do it? Will I ever "feel" ready, unless I just go there. I don't know. But It feels so, so , hard. At times I almost feel like a child. I want to stomp my foot and yell "NO, I won't do it" And then run to my room and shut the door. As if that would do any good. And I don't usually take the cowards way out anyone. However I sometimes wonder if that's what they think. When they keep asking me to come home.  I struggle with this so much. I love his family. It's not that I don't want to see them. Or be with them. There are so many memories tied into being there. In Pete's house. His home that he grew up in. So many trips there with Pete. I mean we used to go at least once a month. Sometimes it would be a couple months before we could get back. But it always felt like a second home to me.
   It was today after I got off the phone with his parents that I remembered something major and yet crazy. One year I think it was 3 years ago around Thanksgiving. The plan was we were going to go to his house the weekend before for a bridal shower or baby shower and then He was going to drive back and the kids and I would stay in IL. Since the next weekend was going to be Thanksgiving. So then on Wednesday he would just drive back, and we would all have Turkey day with his parents. However when it was time for him to get ready to go, I told him "You cant go." he said "Why?" I said I just have a feeling that something bad is going to happen. That you won't be safe. You can't leave today." I mean I was adamant! And he knew about my crazy intuition. I remember calling a friend on the phone talking with her the day before he left and I kept saying "He can't go. But, I know he has to go back to work. What am I going to do."  She told me that it was OK. That maybe it was just a warning for him to be extra  careful on the way home. Pete and I talked about it and he said he would be extra careful. That he would call me the instant he got home. I gave him a big hug and told him to be so careful. And he left. He did call me the instant he got home.     I think of this now. And remember. Pete passed away in November on the 21st. three days before Thanksgiving. Just three years after I had "that" feeling.
   Everything in IL is Pete. The room we slept in. The places we went. It's his childhood home. It feel like walking back in time. The music is loud and I can't seem to face it. I finally feel that I am somewhere slightly steady. My fear of going back feels shaky. I know, I know. The only way to get over your fear is to do it. To face that loud music and just turn down the volume. No, I don't feel that it would kill me. It's just music, right? But Pete is so real there. So, so, crazy real. Every time I think of being in his home I think of all the happy times and it's another moment of feeling like If I could just touch him. In my memories he is right there. Just reach Kathryn, Reach...I stretch and stretch and it's just never enough. Why damnit!!! I know the kids want to go back. I know they do. They have been talking about it. it's like every moment, every car ride, every conversation every gas stop, every bite to eat. Its all right there. I just don't know how to do it without him. I am living right? I am living without him. I am raising our children without him, I strive to keep going and make it and stay strong and clean the house and keep everyone fed and clothed and healthy and happy. Balance the finances, make dinner, get to ballet class. just keep living. Isn't that enough? Cant I just do the living for right now?
   Does not wanting to go back make me weak? Like I have failed Pete in some way? I don't know. I mean part of me wonders if Pete and I were married but had no kids would they want me to come visit so much? I am not saying they don't love me, or that they don't like me in some way. It;s just sometimes I wonder these things. Not right or wrong really... I do miss the family. All his aunts and uncles. Being together eating such amazing food. laughing, loving, and  being together. I want A, P and CL to know that. I want them to know them. All of their family. To know their roots, their foundation. I guess maybe what it comes down to is that going back without him feels so real. So cut and dry. He is dead. There is nothing you or anyone can do about it. Like facing the truth so loudly!! This is your life, Kathryn Barajas. Now what?
  I don't know. Maybe it doesn't have to be that hard. It just feels that hard. like the walls are closing in and I have to make the decision. And if I don't I am going to get squished. How much longer? I am sure they wonder that too. Yesterday it was 18 months. 18!! Since Pete has passed. Is that long enough to not be "home?"  I mean they have even offered to come down here, and drive me back there. So I wouldn't have to worry about driving with three kids by myself. Thats a lot of driving on their part!! And I am so, so grateful. Is it the fact that it's been 18 months? I seem to have really struggled this time. I mean why would 18 months be harder than say 17 months.  To me it feels monumental.  Like really 18 months. I know, that in some ways it is just a number signifying time passing. But still it seems like so much and so little too.
   I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know. I feel crazy. Who has the answers? Pete? It's one more moment, It's one more thing to hurdle. Whats it feel like on the other side? Can I even see that far. If I picture everything being splendid. Then it will be, and there was no reason to worry. Why the struggle? This was my second home for God-sakes.  I should do it for the kids, right? I should do it for me. for us, for Pete. But when, I don't know. For now, I ask God's help. To give me strength to keep going, to face the music and find the joy. To know that I survived yet another very crazy moment in this journey. However I don't know when, But I will. And It will be great! And maybe I will drive Pete's truck to it's new home. 

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