Monday, January 3, 2011

Mad, Sarcastic, Crazy and Hopeful...

Lets start with the mad part shall we. Mad that Pete is not here. I know thats a given. At what point would I not be mad? Right? It's the mad and the tired part that really gets me going! Tired of being a single parent. When in fact I am not a single parent I am an ONLY parent. If I were a single parent, I could at least have the option to call him up. But I don't!! Tired of doing it all on my own. Yes, I have help. But its that night time routine. The bedtimes, the baths, the not going to sleep, the one more drink of water. The making sure that the monitor is right by head, so that I can hear the baby if he makes any peep at all. The not being able to share my bed with Pete. Instead I share it with a 3 year old and a 5 year old who both insist on sleeping in the middle or better yet arguing over who is going to sleep right next to me at 3 in the morning.  It's the baby that refuses to sleep when it's time for bed. When A and P are in bed and he is still just a playing away. There is no one to be "that" person. "That person should be Pete. But where is he? I will give you one guess? We all know where he is. It just sucks!!!! Royally.
     I hate being mad! I do, honestly whats the point of it. You don't get a prize at the end for being able to calm yourself down. And no one wants to be around you when you want to just scream your head off. The problem with that is, not only do I scare the crap out of my children and they all start to cry but then I have a sore throat. and lots of guilt. So I am screwed either way. Bad parent for yelling at my kids, because I am so damn mad at their father for up and dying.  Screwed because I am here left to pick up the pieces. and screwed because it is not their fault that Pete died!!! But they have to pay for it in some ways because I am the one yelling! SO again I ask you what the hell is the point of getting angry?!! Major problems have not been solved when people are mad. Mad and angry just cause more Problems. Like the fact that I am so mad and angry right now I can't even type, and that in itself is making me what to just run around the room yelling!!! Wonderful! that and the fact that the baby won't go to sleep.  SO where is Pete when I want to write? No where. I am writing while I should be trying to figure out how to get the baby in bed. makes me want to yell " Where are you Pete?" This what you had in mind?" "gives a whole new meaning to forever young does it not?"
   And another dumb thing to be mad about I am 31 years old. The odds of me finding someone else are slim. Not only do I have three children 5 and under.  I am a stay at home mom and a widow. Who wants that kind of baggage. I actually tried a free trial of Just to see what there is to see. Really there is not a lot to see. And besides that since my 3 days are up I have to  pay a million dollars a month if I want to see more. I can't afford to spend millions of dollars on a match/eharmony service. I have children to feed, and car payments and all that other stuff called life. I feel 800 trapped in an almost 32 year old body. Hey at least for 800 I look pretty good right?
   Now more crazy... I wish he was here. Why can't he be? Just come on down!. One new healthy body, same spirit and there you have it. I mean I know people talk about how great heaven is but to quote my sister in law I would think that he would miss his kids and family enough to want to come on back. I wish that none if this happened. I know stupid right? Who doesn't wish that the horrible thing that happened to them had not  happened? I am tried of being the grieving a lonely widow. I don't want to do it anymore. Lets do something else for awhile. I feel like that tag is just following me around. I don't want to go to group anymore. I just want in some ways to just act like it didn't happen. I know, whats the point of that and "oh it's so unhealthy". I just want a damn break from it all. Reality stop looking at me! Go look somewhere else for awhile.
 So here we are, I miss Pete. But I want him here. I want to try meeting someone for coffee, yet really all I want is Pete. So  at this point since I can't have that, now what? I feel old and young. Crazy and sane. Crazy and normal. and the ever so popular response to "Oh honey you are not crazy you are just grieving. Yet I feel crazy and at time and I act a little crazy. So I just chalk it up to being crazy. And How do you put that on an "profile" I supposed adding my blog site is not the smartest route.
     What am I doing? Where am I going? It will be 14 months. Now what?  The survival has ended and now its the how do I live my life?  I look at my kids and think.."Wow, they have accepted it, sort of." Why can't I?" I feel in some ways I am at the point of my "grieving" ( just love that word) Where I am being like a child.  Kicking and screaming on the floor yelling "NO, I DON"T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN." Like I am digging my feet into the mud as if that will hold time. Those stupid why's swirling around in my head. Still swirling.. Damnit Stop swirling, and just go away. Things like. "Why couldn't we have had more time together?" I had so many plans. And so did he. " Why couldn't I have met him sooner?" There is no point in going "why didn't I get him to the hospital sooner?" at this point I don't think it matters. I am past that. Now it's just that I am mad that I didn't have enough time with him. I met him in 2000, married in 2003, had first baby in 2005. he was gone by 2009.
Shit! Now it's 20011
   I wanted the beginning of this year to go so much better. I feel like it's because I wanted it so much that it's starting out like shit. . I feel like on the inside I am just yelling over and over. I want Pete. I am done with this. I just want him. Bring. Him to me. Now.  I am well aware of the many lessons that we have all learned in this process. However at what point can I just hold up my hand and say " OK thanks. I have had enough learning. And test taking, Can you just pass me. Move me to the next grade and we can get on with graduating out of grief and onto healing. Thank you. There however is no class for "putting your life back together again and yet again 101" where is the cliff notes please?  I have mastered the hard class, the heartbreaking class. Made it through the "so Angry I am going to rip your head off class" I did so well in that one I keep going back to it. There is also the give birth to your third baby by yourself without your loving husband class. Seriously I think that one was just plain stupid. I have made it through just one too many heart wrenching, earth shattering, please put me out of my misery classes. I hold up my hands and say enough. Make it stop., Please go away.
   I want more from this life, than grief and survival. Let me guess, With time it gets easier? Thanks. How about the" I am done with this part of my life, lets just get on with it please." When does that come into play? When all the lessons are learned? When I get me feet out of the mud, rinse them off and keep moving forward? When I stop yelling? Or just When I stop asking when, and just know. I have heard it all before. The "It won't always be like this."  I do believe that. It's just when I have to take a trip to re-visit, the angry, the why, the questions and the ever so popular classes at "Widow School" (we have school "Spirit" or even "Spirits" and you can buy "Widow Wear" and "of course "Spirit Wear)  :) However, here we are again Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo, and  myself, Starting out again in 2011.
  I guess what I hope for a more positive, loving and peaceful year. Where we can find peace, but also peace within ourselves and within each other.   To hopefully stop some of the hard and learn to find the simple. looking for the joy of the day and not the constant looking over my shoulder to find a glimpse of Pete. To be happy in my own skin. To let go, and live. I know it's a tall order for one year but, I never do anything the "normal" way. I prefer the crazy way, instead.  

1 comment:

  1. Maybe that is why I love you Kathryn. Love your honesty and your ability to 'tell it like it is.'
    Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. They will come to you in time sweet lady.
    'To meet, to know, to love and then to part is the sad tale of the human heart' - Author Unknown