Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Seriously, I think I am going crazier..

I feel crazier than usual. Lately I want to just erase him from my memory. Get rid of everything as if he was never here. I don't want to go to group anymore. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to grieve. If I erased him then I wouldn't feel the pain. I know though that I would still feel like "isn't something missing?" This is why I feel so crazy. Why would I feel that I would want to erase my soul mate. the love of my life. All the wonderful and fun and beautiful  things we did together. One of the best fathers ever. Without him I wouldn't have had Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo. Without him I wouldn't have learned the things I did. He helped me see things from a new perspective. And yet Because the loss and the grieving is wearing on me I want to erase it. Am I completely Insane? Then of course automatic guilt sets in. I feel that I am doing something wrong. If I was thinking rationally I would realize that it was just "another step in the grief process." (Lucky me)  The lack of sleep, the anxiety, the holidays, and the house and appliances falling apart and I guess the stress of it all are taking its toll.
  My in laws are coming into town today,. And I love them dearly. It's still just so hard. When I look at it from their perspective I have no idea how hard it must be for them to come here and visit our home without him in it. Maybe thats why I have such a hard time traveling back to where he grew up. That and the fact that it feels impossible to get anywhere with 3 kids. And I feel that If I am going to travel there I am going to do it myself. But back to his parents. Sometimes the fear of them coming is earth shattering. All those questions. Am I doing it right? Will it be up to their standards? the house is a mess and I am too tired and overwhelmed to clean it? and I feel guilt. Will they be disappointed.? I wish they could know that I am just trying to do the best that I can. and That right now. The best does not involve cleaning every single corner of the room. However,  It's also all the things they represent. They are him. His father looks just like him but with some gray. I used to be shocked every time but now it's gotten better. There is always an aftermath when they leave. In me and in the kids. It is getting better the more we see them. It's just so hard. It's hard for me, it's hard for the kids, its hard on his parents. Again Why does everything have to be so hard.  Sometimes when they come it's like we all just look around waiting for Pete to come bursting through the door yelling" Sorry I'm late, got stuck at work." We wait and it never happens. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. Just scream until I can't scream anymore. But I don't ever. Not when they are around. I try not to cry. Feeling that it is a form of weakness.  Sometimes it's a constant clash. They feel that I don't know what they are going through because they have lost a son. And I feel they don't know how hard it is cause I have lost my husband and whole world. The kids have lost their Daddy and best friend. But I don't know what they are going through. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a son. A beautiful wonderful son!  I feel that I try so hard and then it goes no where. We are all grieving/ This time of year is even worse with his birthday being Christmas eve. I guess it just is what it is. Hard. And stupid that a young and healthy man passed away leaving his family behind. Lovely!
   Again if I erased it, I wouldn't have met all of his wonderful family. So why think it? It's so Damn confusing. I love him, I hate him. It goes on and on all the time. Mad at him for leaving. And yet understanding that his body wore out and he couldn't fight anymore. Mad at the world for not understanding, and knowing how are they supposed to know. I am not wearing "Widow Wear." Tired so completely tired of it all. Still I can realize that it's all part of the process. You have to grieve in order to get to the other side of it all. I confuse myself all day long. I wear myself out. My kids wear me out and yet they keep me going. See CRAZY!  If you have seen the Harry Potter movies I wish I had a "Pensive" I could just take out the memories and thoughts when my brain is too full and come back to visit them at a later date. Although I may never come back to those thoughts for years. Hmm maybe not a good idea.
  For now I guess I will do what I always do. Keep going. Pick up the house as best as I can. Keep chase Leo out of the cat food and water bowl. encourage the kids. Enjoy my time with his family. Cry when it's too much. And somehow just keep going. To keep believing that it has to get better, that it WILL get better. Have faith in myself and the crazy. And put one foot in front of the other.

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