Thursday, October 6, 2011

Crazy stolen moments...

Sometimes it feels as though being with Pete was a lifetime ago. And sometimes I feel that his memory tap dances it's way through my living room. As if he and our memories are just stnading there in a top hat and a tutu waiting for me to acknowldege them. It's in these moments I want to shout at the Elephant. " What? Yes, I see you" Will you always look at me with those eyes. Will you ever see me as anything other than "Pete's widow?"  I seem to feel this need to just strike out on my own and pull free from all of that. As if closing the door to my "old " life. Or even to my "widowhood." What does that say about me? Am I healing? or have I just finally had enough?
     I went away for a few days. Like far away. The farthest I have been since Pete had passed. And the farthest I have been away from all three of my kids at the same time. It was awesome! (lol) I guess in this situation sometimes far away is the best way to be. I went to visit a friend that actuallly knew Pete first and me second. Sadly I didn't get to really know her until after Pete's passing. But I feel so lucky to know her now. She is a beautiful being. She and her husband invited me to come and stay with them for a few days. To get away and see the sites. It was so beautiful there. Everything about it was interesting and so unlike anything I have been to, or done. I felt alive and excited. Like a kid in the candy store. I couldnt take in enough. Everything from the beautiful mountains and trees. To the way the streets were made and followed the terrain of the land. The building the architexture. The people, and or course the regular touristy things. It was so unlike living here in plain Indiana. Where everything is flat and not a lot of diversity flows.
   The places we went and saw there were so many monets when I wanted to look over my shoulder and say "hey Roo, look at this" One day we went to an Art and Craft fair. It was so cool. The weather was great for being outside and walking all around. To enjoy not only the art but the beautiful landscape surrounding me as well.  There was one booth that we went to that remended me so much of Pete it took my breath. I just stood there looking at this piece of jewelry. It was a bracelet made with chainmaille.  It was a pattern that he had made me once. I remember him watching some turotial on how to make this pattern. He watched it maybe once or twice all the way through and that was that. He put it together as if he had been doing it for years. While I was standing there lost in thought, I remembered the joy on his face. I pictured him standing beside me. How I would pull him towards me and point it out to him. I envisoned his smile. Or how he would talk with the vendor asking him if that was the mans own handiwork or if they had bought it from someones else. It's these moments that so many take for granted.  This man, My Pete was so incredibly talented, that here I am standing in a completely didfferent city imagining what a converstaion with him or stolen moment would have been like. It still seems that after all this time, I still find myself saying "It wasn't supposed to be this way." Me standing here alone without him by my side.
     I watched so many couples that day. Watching them as they so carelessly walked hand in hand. Fingers intertwined, palms touching. The warmth of that other person. To look in each others eyes, to laugh over something you and he/she only knows about. Things that seem so simple to the average person are huge from my side of the street. It's those stolen moments, the quick glances, the look in his eyes. That I, just like all those other couples took for granted. Why didn't I hold on a little longer? Why didn't I take that innocent glance, into holding his face in my hands?  As if burning the image of it in my memeory. Never to be forgotten.   I know that I can't go back, and I can't do it again. And why would I want to. I guess the only thing to do is  remember the way I felt in this moment and hold onto it.   So that when I find that "special someone" I will know how short those "stolen glances" are.  I know that I will forever keep the moments that I can remember with Pete so close to my heart.
   I am forever grateful to and for Pete. For all the things he taught me, and for the things that he still teaches me. To hold onto the small things. To delight in every stolen moment, every touch. To remember that life is so precious. And to always Love unconditionally for I will never know how long I will get, to hold them tight. 

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you and your children Kathryn. I was widowed in June, 2000, at the age of 53 after twenty-eight years of marriage. My husband and I were entwined, never able to have children, we did everything together. I can totally identify with your visions of couples holding hands, smiling and snuggled into each other. We do take all of that for granted when we have it.

    After six years alone, I met a wonderful man, who lost his wife after thirty-eight years of marriage. We cherish every moment we have and celebrate our blessing of another chance at love. You write beautifully, I found writing helped. I wrote in notebooks for years when John died. Finally, after seven years of scribbling in notebooks, I decided to share my story with others. I recently published my memoir, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A Widow's Story of Love, Loss and Renewal, about my grief journey. It's available online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Sending warm thoughts your way.