Another crazy day... but when aren't the days crazy? The anniversary of 9/11 really had me thinking today. One of my thoughts was how interesting it is that I now understand what some of these women went through and go through as they lost their husbands so quickly and tragically. My hope is that after 10 years things are getting a bit better. However maybe that's my glamorous idea of how the world should work. Or how grief should work. Surely after 10 years, things wouldn't be as crazy right? Here I am coming up on two years and in some ways it feels more crazy now than it did then. Granted I am not pregnant, thank goodness! (lol) And i was going to say my grief isn't what it was almost two years ago... but if that were the case Pete's "journey" hadn't started yet. on Sept 11,2009 Pete was still healthy, living and breathing. Little did either of us know what was to come. Even now I sit here and I think "what was it like for these women who lost their husbands? The women that were expecting, the women that had just had babies. All those children both born and unborn who never got to either meet their dad's or get to know them. What are they like now? Ten years later...
I was sitting inside a coffee shop, inside of the church, that the kids and I have just started "trying" out. As I was sitting there thinking about picking up the kids I had a crazy question cross my mind. "What does Chase Leo think of all the daddy's that come to pick up their kids from his room?" Does he wonder why he doesn't have a Daddy? I mean I know he is only 19 months old, but he is smart. I am sure that somewhere in his mind he must wonder. And I wonder, at what point will he ask me where his Daddy is? I was so bothered by this I thought about calling someone. As if they would have the answer. And really who would I have called? It was like this moment of Oh my gosh! I have to find the answer. But there isn't one. Who is to say when Chase Leo will ask. But is it silly for me to worry about his reaction to all the other toddlers getting picked up from class? Maybe... But still I wonder, and still, I feel sad for him.
There was a woman that I started talking with while in said coffee place. We got to talking about our lives and I had mentioned that I was a widow. That I had three children, and that he had passed when I was still pregnant. Sometimes it feels so odd to tell people this. Like as if standing outside of myself thinking "wait, that really happened?" And at other times, I find myself feeling sad for them that I am telling them something that is making them sad. Like today, this woman had such expressive eyes that I felt awful for telling her. Like I was sad that she was sad. I know crazy? I didn't want to upset her, I didn't even know her. But I know how telling my story can upset people. Even though it's my story. It's my crazy. It's my life. My path. I have wanted to help people who grieve or struggle with their own life. Helping them to see that they are not alone and in pain. Help people, who are feeling that no one could possibly begin to understand at all. Making people feel sad was not on my list.
I feel sad for these women of 9/11 today. Feeling sad for Chase Leo that his daddy doesn't come to pick him up. And sad for this woman who had, had her own terrible struggles who felt sad for me. What does it all mean? I don't know... It's interesting how last year I hadn't put the two ideas together. The fact that I now have a better understanding of what these women must have gone through on some level. How even though today is not about Pete, it does still feel like it is in some way. Every police officer, and firefighter I saw at that church today I wanted to say... I get it. I don't get your exact experience, cause I wasn't there. But on some level I do. And I am so sorry the pain you felt, and the pain you still feel. What's grief like 10 years later? Does it still hurt as bad? What did these women tell their children when they started asking "Where is my Daddy?" At what age did they ask? So many questions that run around my brain.
I remember the first time I went to Brookes Place. (bereavement support for children and families) I listened to the other parents "check in" stating who they were, and how long it had been since their spouse had passed. Chase Leo was only two weeks old the first time I went. I remember listening to people who were like 2 and 3 years out, ever 5 or 6 years out. And I thought "Oh my gosh I am still going to be this horribly miserable in 6 years?" Or even "You can bet I won't be here in 5 years." But who is to say. It's about the kids after all. It's mainly for them and if A and P want to go we will go. Every life change has a grief moment with it. Aryanna is 6 years old now and even she is started to "get it" more. Another question occurred to me just now will Chase Leo want to go to Brookes Place? Can he? He never met him.. will he still grieve? Obviously not in the same way that A and P do... I don't have the answer. Just like I don't know what's going on inside CL's little mind. And I don't know when he will ask me. But does it matter? In the whole grand scheme of things does it really matter? I guess it doesn't. Chase Leo will ask when he asks. And I will tell him the best way I know how. And I will tell him that even though his Daddy didn't get to physically meet him, oh how he loved his little boy.
Just like all these women did. They told their children of how strong and brave their daddy was. So when I recall the events of 9/11 and exactly where I was and where Pete was. I also remember all of those women who lost their husbands and what it did to them and their children. I hope that in 10 years from now I can remember with love, and beauty, and grace. Of all the wonderful memories that I got to have with Pete. While it was too short. I am forever grateful.
" Good Man" by Indie Arie
I remember the first day I met you
we were so young
You were a blessing and there was no
guessing, you were the one
Love is so crazy. We had a baby and said our vows
That's when you told me should anything happen
I can hear you now, You told me...
** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man
First anniversary remember we chose a star
And as I stand under it I can't help but
wonder where you are.
For whatever reason, you don't see the seasons
change again
Go there with peace of mind, We'll meet on the
other side
Cause True love don't end
and Baby...
** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man
Two eyes looking up at me
Pointing to a picture like where is he
Mama are you OK
What did the paper say to make you cry that way
It said your Daddy lived for you and your
daddy died for you and
I'll do the same...
** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man
I was sitting inside a coffee shop, inside of the church, that the kids and I have just started "trying" out. As I was sitting there thinking about picking up the kids I had a crazy question cross my mind. "What does Chase Leo think of all the daddy's that come to pick up their kids from his room?" Does he wonder why he doesn't have a Daddy? I mean I know he is only 19 months old, but he is smart. I am sure that somewhere in his mind he must wonder. And I wonder, at what point will he ask me where his Daddy is? I was so bothered by this I thought about calling someone. As if they would have the answer. And really who would I have called? It was like this moment of Oh my gosh! I have to find the answer. But there isn't one. Who is to say when Chase Leo will ask. But is it silly for me to worry about his reaction to all the other toddlers getting picked up from class? Maybe... But still I wonder, and still, I feel sad for him.
There was a woman that I started talking with while in said coffee place. We got to talking about our lives and I had mentioned that I was a widow. That I had three children, and that he had passed when I was still pregnant. Sometimes it feels so odd to tell people this. Like as if standing outside of myself thinking "wait, that really happened?" And at other times, I find myself feeling sad for them that I am telling them something that is making them sad. Like today, this woman had such expressive eyes that I felt awful for telling her. Like I was sad that she was sad. I know crazy? I didn't want to upset her, I didn't even know her. But I know how telling my story can upset people. Even though it's my story. It's my crazy. It's my life. My path. I have wanted to help people who grieve or struggle with their own life. Helping them to see that they are not alone and in pain. Help people, who are feeling that no one could possibly begin to understand at all. Making people feel sad was not on my list.
I feel sad for these women of 9/11 today. Feeling sad for Chase Leo that his daddy doesn't come to pick him up. And sad for this woman who had, had her own terrible struggles who felt sad for me. What does it all mean? I don't know... It's interesting how last year I hadn't put the two ideas together. The fact that I now have a better understanding of what these women must have gone through on some level. How even though today is not about Pete, it does still feel like it is in some way. Every police officer, and firefighter I saw at that church today I wanted to say... I get it. I don't get your exact experience, cause I wasn't there. But on some level I do. And I am so sorry the pain you felt, and the pain you still feel. What's grief like 10 years later? Does it still hurt as bad? What did these women tell their children when they started asking "Where is my Daddy?" At what age did they ask? So many questions that run around my brain.
I remember the first time I went to Brookes Place. (bereavement support for children and families) I listened to the other parents "check in" stating who they were, and how long it had been since their spouse had passed. Chase Leo was only two weeks old the first time I went. I remember listening to people who were like 2 and 3 years out, ever 5 or 6 years out. And I thought "Oh my gosh I am still going to be this horribly miserable in 6 years?" Or even "You can bet I won't be here in 5 years." But who is to say. It's about the kids after all. It's mainly for them and if A and P want to go we will go. Every life change has a grief moment with it. Aryanna is 6 years old now and even she is started to "get it" more. Another question occurred to me just now will Chase Leo want to go to Brookes Place? Can he? He never met him.. will he still grieve? Obviously not in the same way that A and P do... I don't have the answer. Just like I don't know what's going on inside CL's little mind. And I don't know when he will ask me. But does it matter? In the whole grand scheme of things does it really matter? I guess it doesn't. Chase Leo will ask when he asks. And I will tell him the best way I know how. And I will tell him that even though his Daddy didn't get to physically meet him, oh how he loved his little boy.
Just like all these women did. They told their children of how strong and brave their daddy was. So when I recall the events of 9/11 and exactly where I was and where Pete was. I also remember all of those women who lost their husbands and what it did to them and their children. I hope that in 10 years from now I can remember with love, and beauty, and grace. Of all the wonderful memories that I got to have with Pete. While it was too short. I am forever grateful.
" Good Man" by Indie Arie
I remember the first day I met you
we were so young
You were a blessing and there was no
guessing, you were the one
Love is so crazy. We had a baby and said our vows
That's when you told me should anything happen
I can hear you now, You told me...
** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man
First anniversary remember we chose a star
And as I stand under it I can't help but
wonder where you are.
For whatever reason, you don't see the seasons
change again
Go there with peace of mind, We'll meet on the
other side
Cause True love don't end
and Baby...
** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man
Two eyes looking up at me
Pointing to a picture like where is he
Mama are you OK
What did the paper say to make you cry that way
It said your Daddy lived for you and your
daddy died for you and
I'll do the same...
** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man
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