Crazy Sight...

The temperature has finally started to drop. Today the winds were much cooler than they have been. With this change brings thoughts of Pete. And memories of days gone by. How he loved this type of weather. He used to say it was "good snuggle weather." :)  Lately I have felt so far away from him. So much change that has happened and at times he seems like a distant memory. Another place, another lifetime. It feels like it's been so much longer than 22 months. The memories that feel too close and yet light years away.
  Today I took the kids to the outlet mall to get new shoes. We were standing on the sidewalk eating ice cream when one of my random thoughts crept in. Pete never met Chase Leo. What.. is it something I have just now figured out? Or is it something I am finally able to accept? As if the realization that he never met him has finally hit. He never saw his face. I mean on some level I feel he did. The spirit world is an interesting place.. And I feel Pete so often in the house that I know he has seen him. And I know that CL has seen Pete and knows who he is. But it's that physical level. I guess it's that I never got to see Pete, see Chase Leo. I never got to see Pete hold Chase Leo. Rock him to sleep, change his diaper, give him a bath. It's me. I never saw it. and I guess that's where more loss, more realizations, comes into play. I missed out on it too.
    Being the emotional, intense and sensitive being that I am, I am starting to realize the many levels of loss and grieving. It's not only the loss of him not being physically present. It's the loss of what I didn't get to physically see, feel, and touch.  I have physical memories of Pete with Petey and Aryanna. The way it felt to hold Aryanna as an infant with Pete holding us both. The things we marveled at, and all the wonder of being a new parent. The memories of naps he had with Aryanna and Petey. The way he held Aryanna, the bond they shared. They way he played with Petey. All the things he taught them. I got to see with my own two eyes. To feel his love and devotion for the kids. To see and feel, to know in my bones what it was like for him to be a Daddy. I got to see all of that. And yes, on many levels I am SO lucky, I know.... but on so many levels I am not.
    I remember standing by his bed and thinking how hard it would be on Pete for him to never hold his son. And that He would live because I knew he couldn't bear not to be here for Chase Leo.  But it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough.... I stood helpless and pregnant and lost and lonely. Looking at this beautiful man that I loved, that I married, that I shared my life with slipping away from me... It was never a thought that he wouldn't live. It was never a thought! Even when the doctors told me I needed to decide that if his heart stopped beating should they try and get him back. Even then, I knew my Pete, and I knew what he could handle. It wasn't death. He would get better. He WOULD, and I would have the baby and he would be right beside me holding the camera.  I pictured it over and over again. He was there, with me, in the delivery room. I pictured him standing, I pictured him in a wheel chair sitting next to me.. But By golly he was there. Because I knew HE wouldn't miss it. I knew it would kill him to miss it. But the truth, the fact remains... He physically missed it.  He missed it? Really? He wasn't there to hold my hand, to tell me it was OK. To tell me how big CL was and so beautiful. That he looked like his name that we had chosen. I missed seeing him looking at me... I missed seeing him hold the camera. I missed seeing, feeling, touching, his face. I missed the warmth of his hand on mine, his kiss on my lips. I missed seeing the pride in his eyes as he looked at me holding his son. I missed seeing him hold and kiss his beautiful baby boy. I missed it all.
    All these realizations hit me full force standing on the sidewalk. Even now... I realize the ache, the pain, this sunken feeling of loss not like I have felt before. Like the lightbulb has gone off. This constant every day missing him is not just about missing Pete, It's missing out on seeing Pete do the everyday things that made him who he was. It's no wonder I constantly feel like I am missing out on life. Because a part of me is. Hello!!  Crazy Lady.. I am. My life without him..I am missing that part of seeing him, see me and our life together.  Thats what's missing. I needed to look into his eyes. His eyes, seeing me. His eyes seeing A, P and CL. I can look at his eyes any time I want because all three kids have his eyes. But they are duplicates of his eyes..they aren't the originals. They aren't Pete's, and yet they are. I know, I know, Crazy....
   The Epiphany has come and gone. It didn't kill me. It;s just another realization of how interesting our minds work. How our hearts work. How these thoughts these "realizations" I am having, I could not have had before. My heart, my psyche couldn't have handled it before.    The levels of loss are incomprehensible at times. And just when I think I have gotten a good grip on it. The weather changes, bringing with it more change, more loss, more grief. And yet more realizations about myself. Of where I have been, and where I am now. All lessons being taught. It's whether I show up to learn them. That's the question isn't it? Will I continue to show up and learn them. Cause Lord knows I can't change them.  It is what it is..He's gone and I'm still here. And whether I skip a day from class, I will still have make-up work. So even if I stop attending, it will eventually catch up with me, and I will have to learn all those lessons that I missed before. It's like anything else you have to work for what you want. I have to study, and learn , and prepare, for the test. And if I don't, then this crazy life takes over. It knocks me down and flattens me. The crazy life wins. And I don't like to lose. Not without a good fight. I don't like to be told I can't. Cause I will prove you wrong until you hold up your hands and say OK enough, You win.
   Still this lesson is hard. It hurts, it's complicated, it's messy and at times it can be brutal. It's in your face there is no beating around the bush. I can't turn away. I have to walk this path. And Unfortunately three very wonderful little children have to walk it too. The four of us have to do the work of learning without our fifth member of our small group. It's horrible and at many times it seems so completely unfair.  However it's taking the lessons we have learned and the tests we have taken and aced and put them up on our refrigerator to remind us how amazing and awesome we are.  Even though he is not here we have continued to show up. And even though I have missed out on seeing it..I continue to have Faith and try to see things from a new point of view. A view that I know he would want me to see. It's also having the Faith, and the trust, to know that when he see's his small group from across the classroom..he is proud of what he see's. For when he see's us, he knows that even though he can't physically show up for class, we will ace this test without him. We don't want to, But we will. It's what he would, have wanted to see. 

The crazy is gettin to me...

I wish Pete was here to hold me close. I need him to just squeeze me and Take all the pain away. Just hold me so tight. Tell me it's ok. I don't want to hurt anymore. At some point I just really want someone to rescue me. Save me from this nightmare. I throw in the towel, I wave my white flag, I surrender. Come find me and hold me close.

Crazy Steps...

I have done nothing but cry for days on end.  I can't seem to focus on one thing. and I mostly just want to go back to bed. Which is so unlike me. I can't seem to want to play with the kids. and I can't seem to muster up the energy to interact with them. I guess you could say I am a bit burned out. Like the whole "kidney stone" was my breaking point. I feel at times that I can't do it anymore... I will... But It feels impossible. Immobilizing. and at times suffocating. Almost to the point of shouting "OK, I need a break from life!"
  My in laws were here for about a day and a half. it was nice to see them. And the kids were so excited!! I was having another weepy day. So they watched the kids while I ran to the store. However I felt the need to go to the cemetery. I never feel the need to go to the cemetery but that day I did. I pulled in drove around the corner and parked. I got out of my car and all but ran to his grave. Where I laid down on top of it and cried my eyes out. There I was lying on my tummy head resting on the headstone just shaking with loss and heartache. The grief overcame me to just breathless sobs of despair. I laid there for awhile and then I sat up. I looked at his picture and wiped away the grass. I started to talk. Words that seemed empty..Along with the occasionally "I don't want to do this without you." I got up to leave. I didn't say goodbye I just walked to my car. Turned the AC on and melted into another puddle of tears. Gripping the steering wheel as if that was some sort of life line. I eventually turned the car around and drove out of the cemetary.
  I drove to Walmart expecting to just get out of the car and go in and get the milk and things that I needed. But obviously I pulled into the spot and started to cry again. By this point it finally started to rain. And I really didn't want to get out of the car. I called a friend and went to her house. Where I cried on her some more and then fell asleep in her guest room.
  The stupid thing about grief. There is no warning. It just smacks me upside the head and brings me to my knee's in no time flat.  Most nights after the kids have gone to bed I have sat in my tub with the shower beating down on me. while I prayed to make it through another day. praying for some peace and comfort. It seems the shower has been my only place where I feel comforted.  However it does make it a bit difficult when I want to go and lie in my shower and the kids want to run wild through the house. The shower seems to be the place to cry where I don't have to hide my tears from the kids. Where I feel as if my anxiety is being washed down the drain. As if being pummeled by water is enough to beat the "yucks' out. But it's the whole getting out and facing the world again that leaves me daunted.
   I feel at times I am sitting in a grief hole. and I am just trying to find the best way to get out. sometimes it is hard to see through my tears the ladder in front of me.  The problem is that no one can get me out of my hole. I have to do it myself. Sure anti anxiety meds and anti depression meds help a lot!! but it is still me that has to hard work at pulling on the rope and climb my way out. I know there are helping hand along the way for when I lose my footing.  But the pain is mine. The fear is mine, the path is mine.  So these last few days I have been at the bottom. But I have my hand on the ladder and I am working my way out. First one step and then the next. I know I can do it... I have done it before. It's just that right now the pain feels raw again. but in a new form. The realization is setting in. I am really here and he really isn't.
   For the time being I stand at half way up the rope ladder. My hands are tired and raw. My face is streaked with tears and my body is tired and worn out. But I know that I have to get to the top. For me, for A, P, and CL, they need me and I need them. And I will get to the top. I will once again be hopeful, courageous, and playful.  I didn't get this far in this crazy journey to give up..I didn't get this far to be a coward. I got this far because I believed in Pete, our kids believed in me, and I believed in myself.  However right now it's finding that courage, that strength, that warrior to push through the pain, the heartache and the sorrow.  And I have to remember the only way to do it, is to take it one crazy step at a time.

Crazy stones...

Today is the 21st. Which means that is has been 21 months since Pete has passed. I wonder how long I will notice the 21st of every month. Personally I am tired of noticing. It seems the more I try to avoid it the more I notice that the 21st is just around the corner.  I miss him more these past few days. I mean really? how could I miss him more than I already do.. But I think it has to do with the recent events.
  Sunday afternoon I had to call my Aunt to come and get me to take me to the ER. I have a kidney stone and it was on the move. There I was lying on my bedreoom flooor. Crying and not able to move. With three sets of eyes all looking at me and climbing on me trying to figure out what was wrong with Mommy. I litterally could not move. The pain was so bad it took everything I had to crawl to my phone to cal my aunt. Luckily my neighbor was home so she watched the kids while my Aunt drove me to the ER.  I didn't want to go. I did not want to step one foot inside of a hospital. But at this point I had no choice. Since I felt as though my kidney was being ripped in two. So, in I went.
   I gave the nurses all the information that I could and then it was off to a room. I walked in and turned right back around. As if to leave. Thinking to myself. "I can't do this"/ Thank good ness for my aunt. She held me close and said. "Honey you are going to feel so much better" So we joked about the riduculous gown that I had to wear. and watied for them to start an IV. IV in, blood drawn, Meds in. Thank goodness for heavy pain meds. :) then off to get a CT scan.  The CT showed I basically had an 8 mm kidney stone stuck and blocking the ureter. And that It needed to come out. *panic*  I don't want to go anywhere, where I have to have something out. That means more hospitals.. more.. stuff that I don't want to see. Just more. Too much more.
  Dr. gave me some meds to take and told me to follow up with the other dr on Monday morning. Only come back if the pain was worse. Well the pain got worse. So Monday morning at 6am My Aunt is pulling kids from their beds to take me back to the ER. We got there, I fell out of the car and hobbled my way into the ER again. As my Aunt and kids were pulling away. Aryanna asks.."Why are we taking mommy to the ER" Bless My Aunt. She says. "Well the doctors aren't in thier offices yet. so they come to the ER to see people before the office opens. And since your mommy needs to see a dr before the office opens this is where we take her."  I knew that Aryanna would ask. It had to be so De ja vu for her. The last time she saw her Daddy. Mommy was driving him to the hospital and he walked into the ER never to come out again...
   Back to the room, more blood work and more meds. Now a new Dr said "It has to come out today" So my sister came to get me and off we went to the main hospital to be prepped. Waited for about 3 hours and then in I went to the OR. I was so nervous. and Eeveryone was so nice. Some very nice nurse held my hand and told me it was going to be OK. I so needed that. Got knocked out. they did the procedure "surgery" and I was waking up in no time. however I was still terribly uncomfortabel but at least the boulder was no more.
  Now comes the recovery... I survived the hospital. I survived the ER, the procedure, the IV's the blood. You name it I did it. I am in this state of after shock. I am not taking the heavy meds anymore. ( Don't really like to take them) the only thing I am on is the antibiotic and the blue pill that helps with the stint pain. ( Can;t wait to get that out!!!)  The main thing I hate most about heavy pain meds is how weepy they make me feel. . Mixed with all the anxiety  and the constant fear that I can't do this... To the point I litterally want to just run away. Get on an airplane and go somewhere else.
  The one place I want to go on that airplane I can't go to today... In the middle of all this crazy. Lies some truth.  Truth that I don't like to face. Truth that I don't want to face.   I am still here and Pete is still there. I am where I am supposed to be and Pete is where he is supposed to be.. It is what it is.  To those poeple who have not spent a great deal inside of a hospital or even spent enought time in one to watch someone die. The last thing I ever wanted to do was spend time in a hospital. But there I was facing all those things that I never wanted to do again. In 48 hours I stared my fear in the face. However it is that fear and that grief that has haunted me these past few days. Making it at times impossible to function. Feeling as though I could not take one more step forward. Today I didn't. Instead after I put the kids in the car. turned on the AC and a movie. I came back into the house a laid down face first on my bedroom floor and sobbed like a baby.   No one came in to wrap their arms around me and whisper in my ear that it would be OK.  To hold me close rocking me gently. Soothing the hurt that could no longer stay hidden inside. There were no words to yell. Just anguish and pain from the reality of the past few days, mingled with the anniversary of 21 months.
  I don't know how long I laid there. Probably not as long as I would have liked. I was worried the kids would be worried about me. So I stood up put my sunglasses on and continued to let the tears roll. There comes a time when it's pointless to act like I am not in pain. Weather it's physical pain or emotional pain. often times as of lately it has been both. There was no one to comfort me but me. I could feel Pete's spirit with me.. I know he was there. But it was me who stood up, shook my hair free and walked to the car.. It is me who pulls the choker collar off every morning and throws it on the table, it is me who holds my babies when they cry and miss their Daddy, or even the way their life used to be. It is me who walked into that hospital and faced the cold hard truth again. And it is me who is healing from the inside out.

a crazy "blip"..

I wrote this part of the "story" first but fell asleep while writing it. But it's still good, and thought it needed to be shared too.

 Today Is Aryanna's 6th Birthday ( July 2,). I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it was. Silly me!! It was hard. I did lots of crying and at times moments where I felt I could not keep going. My heart was heavy, so heavy that it felt it was pushing down on my lungs. As if the upper half of my body was caving in on itself. Huge tears rolled down my face. With thoughts of. "I can't do this" I can't do this without him."  I needed him with me. By my side. Not up in the clouds. Here, on this plane!!

  I found myself in moments of just survival mode. Like I didn't care if the party started and everything wasn't just perfect. I felt I should be entertaining but.. I just didn't have it in me. I wandered through Walmart like a zombie picking up the things on my list and not thinking about anything else. I wasn't feeling. I should have been like "Lady!! Get going. you have 4 things on your list and people coming to your house in like an hour and a half." But I wasn't thinking about that. I just wasn't thinking. Made it out of the store only to realize I forgot one of the main reasons I went there. Chase Leo's milk. I was frustrated but not enough to go back in the store and get some more. I was here... but I wasn't.

  

Birthday crazy...

There are times when my anxiety I feel takes over. I can't eat, I, cant think.. and often times I feel that I am just going through the motions. Today and yesterday have been these types of days. Aryanna turned 6 yesterday. She had a great day, and a great party!! However from my perspective it was a really hard day. I cried more yesterday and today than I have in a few months. I would be driving around yesterday running errands, and I thought my heart and chest would cave in. It was as if my heart was to heavy to be inside me.  The pain of what was so real stared me in the face. To the point I felt numb and unable to look away. What would be the point. It was yet another milestone without Pete. Another major moment that I had to buck up, and do it by myself.
  I feel very grateful and blessed because I was surrounded by people who love Aryanna and they love me. So they were there for support. Don't get me wrong the support is great and all.. But it still feels like my battle to fight. The battle to not let "Anxiety"win. To come in and take over. I woke up with it yesterday and I woke up with it this morning. That kind of anxiety where I feel that I am wearing a choker collar. The more intense it gets the less I can breathe. The other place I feel it is in my stomach. it's where the no eating or drinking comes into play. Cause I can't feed it and I can't drown it. It still stays. It takes up my whole stomach so even if I am starving. I cant seem to swallow...
  I think its the fact that I stand here in this moment without him. Physically at my side. I needed him here. I wanted him here. I wanted to give Aryanna her Daddy the one thing she only wants and needs is him. But I can't. That in itself is tough to swallow. Even though I had all these people around me.. I still felt so lonely.
  I am sure that one could wonder "How could that be?" You were surrounded in people who love you and care for you and the kids.. Yes, but I wanted to be wrapped in a big bear hug, and held so tight.  And again it the quesion of " i wouldn't be in this sitaution if Pete was here".  I miss being married. I miss the feel of a wedding ring on my finger. Granted I am not going to run right out and look for a husband that would so not be smart!! But I do long for that moment of knowing I will never have to be alone again. While yes I will still raise children all day but the hope of someone coming home to me. to us. Feels like a blessing.
  Recnetly I feel that my frineds have been telling me in a nice way that "I had it really good" when I was married to Pete. and I say "Yes, I know" He wasn't like most men. He loved children, he loved his kids. He played with them, he rough housed with them, he diciplined them. but he loved them so crazy bad. Not only was he a good father but he was a good husband as well. Don't get me wrong though, there were things about him that were not easy to live with but over all.. he was an amazing man. I know this, I know I had it good. Don't you think I know that. I know that my friends are trying to be helpful..and be supportive. But sometimes its hard too because they are just voicing what I already know. Although it does make me wonder.. will I find that again?
  I know that no one will be Pete. I know this. However I can hope that there are men like Pete. Who love kids and adore me. Who can embrace the "crazy's" and understand that Pete will always be a part of me. Not only because of the kids but because he is in my heart. He is a part of my heart. So many times I look at my situation and think "This is so much.. who could want to take us on?" and then it hit me square in the face. To the right man it won't be too much. To the right man the four of us will bring love and joy to his life. Enriching it in ways that he may not have had before. I have to believe that he is out there somewhere for me. I know that God and Pete will  and are guiding the kids and I. Guarding and protecting us. My hope is that For Aryanna's next birthday, I won't be alone. I will have fought the battle and won. Hopefully I will have the "right man" beside me. But if not. I know I will always have my Pete encircling us all in his angel wings.

A space to let out the Crazy's

I am irritable so watch out!!
   I know that people are trying to be kind and ask me how I am and how the kids are. But At some point I just really want to be honest. The next time someone asks how I am I might just give them an earful. Everything these days is about being so PC. But, sometimes I really want to answer questions like "so, how are the kids doing?" with. "How do you think they are?" or even. "Well it's been 20 months and it's finally sinking in that there Daddy lives in heaven."  How is that for an answer. I know, that is not the best answer. Or The question I get from people who haven't lost a spouse, parent, or child that frustrates me the most.  Is their opinion on how kids grieve. Thinking that if I keep bringing it up they will never get over it. It makes me want to shout! Or even when people say "Well kids are so resilient, you know, they probably won't remember this time in their lives." Really? I want to answer "How do you know?" Or even say something like "Well, that is a possibility, but they remember now, They hurt now. They miss their Daddy now."  It's questions like this, or questions that lead to this, are just irritating to me. I know that some people are trying to be "helpful" or inquisitive about it, but sometimes I feel people don't think  through the whole question before tasking. Granted I know that I have said some pretty dumb things. And I know that I still do. I say dumb things to people who have just lost someone who has recently passed. So one would think, that I wouldn't be so irritable about "said questions" but I am. It must be the day.
   I feel like I don't have time to answer annoying questions. I sometimes don't feel that I have the time or the patience to answer my own children. I know that is really sad. But honestly.. I get so frustrated with the people around me. I don't have a quiet spot and it seems that Mommy doesn't always get a time out just because she needs one. Its as though for parents we are always putting our kids in time out for bad behavior, however there is no time out chair for Mommy, Why is that?  Even if I tell my children stay right here Mommy is going to get the mail. They all want to follow me outside. It's like I am speaking and words are coming out of my mouth but they can't hear me, or comprehend them. I just can't take it!
  When kids are little they get their own room. or a place that they know is just for them. And they get to go and play in their room. And we as parents try so hard to make it a place where they can feel free to be themselves, to create, and imagine. But when it comes to "Mommy's room" no matter how hard I try it still is not, just mine. Because what happens when the kids have a bad dream, or the laundry needs to be folded? It goes into Mommy's room. Everything goes into Mommy's room. Kids, clothes, books. crap that I don't know what to do with, Toys are all shapes and sizes all end up in Mommy's room. I stand in the middle of the room and go "What happened to Mommy's space?" But that just it. As a parent it seems there isn't a space for our "stuff." We move out our stuff to make room for more kid stuff. Sometimes it's a necessity, but a lot of the time it is not.  Lots of times when I get to these points of "just don't talk to me or ask me one more question that I don't know the answer to. Or ye,t another answer to a question you have asked me a 100 times already." I want a small space that is just mine. A space that is just mine, all mine!
 One space, where the kids can't get to. One place, where the only one who has a key to enter, is me. If it gets messy it's because I made it that way. Not because it is full of clothes that are all too small for my son. Or trains in the middle of the floor just waiting to be stepped on with my bare feet in the middle of the night!!  How many of us as parents want that but don't ever get that?
  I guess I get so frustrated and irritable that I just want to shake everyone and everything off. As if to say "Back away from the Crazy Lady!"  I don't want to ask any more questions to myself, I don't want anyone to ask me anything. I want at times to just sit and think of nothing. No worries, no anxiety, no fears, and even no Pete. Nothing to cloud my head. I want to see each situation as it comes with clear eyes, and mind. Not with all the fog that goes with it. All the questions I get tired of asking myself only to reply to myself with more questions that usually sound like 'I wonder when I will stop asking myself that"  Mostly the big one that I keep asking regularly is "If Pete was here, I wouldn't be in this situation." Then the question after that is "When will I stop asking myself this question, and realize this is my life now."  The problem, I know this is my life now. I know it, and yet I don't know it. It's like it still hasn't settled into my bones. Which to me seems baffling as if to ask myself " You have spent 600 days, 14,400 hours without Pete, how could you not know?"  I don't know. The question still remains "This is my life now? Really?"
  I am not saying this is a bad life. I am blessed I have three beautiful children, a nice home. Loving family and good friends. I know that I am safe, and am surrounded in people who love me and want me to heal and have a happy life. Its just that even though I know all of these things. There is still a chunk that is missing. Yes, my heart is learning to heal. And Yes, I am tons stronger than I ever thought possible. It's just not how I pictured it to go. But that's life. I know that. It's reality. I know that too. Sometimes it seems like too much to swallow. Too many questions. Like being in a big noisy room and I am in the middle with everyone talking to me at once. The irritability. The stuff on the inside, the stuff on the outside. The negative and fearful thinking, the constant worry from friends and family that I am not taking care of myself. And my reply is "Well no, when would I have time." But is it time, or is it fear?  Along with the same question from close friends "If you don't take care of yourself., then you can't take care of your kids well either" " A happy healthy Mommy, is happy, healthy, children."  To that I say "Well...., maybe"
  I have three kids who have all been fed dinner, are bathed and all sleeping peacefully in their beds. I know, that they know,  they are loved so very much. Mommy may be a bit crazy but A,P and CL know how to laugh, they know joy, they know how to love, they know they are loved. They also know things that I wish I could change and I can't. I can't take their hurt away. I know this. And I do agree that kids are reliant in some ways. But they do know how it feels to miss their Daddy so much. But they are lucky too, because they also know how much their Daddy loves them.
 . . I Do hope that You if you are a parent make time to find your "little space" that is just yours. That next time you ask someone how they are, that you truly do want to know. But please don't be offended if you find the person may dodge the question.  Life is Crazy, people are crazy, and reality is crazy.   It seems though that if we all were just a bit gentler with ourselves, and with each other. Maybe there wouldn't be as much craziness. Who knows maybe there would be, But at least it would be crazy, with a touch of class.