There are times when my anxiety I feel takes over. I can't eat, I, cant think.. and often times I feel that I am just going through the motions. Today and yesterday have been these types of days. Aryanna turned 6 yesterday. She had a great day, and a great party!! However from my perspective it was a really hard day. I cried more yesterday and today than I have in a few months. I would be driving around yesterday running errands, and I thought my heart and chest would cave in. It was as if my heart was to heavy to be inside me. The pain of what was so real stared me in the face. To the point I felt numb and unable to look away. What would be the point. It was yet another milestone without Pete. Another major moment that I had to buck up, and do it by myself.
I feel very grateful and blessed because I was surrounded by people who love Aryanna and they love me. So they were there for support. Don't get me wrong the support is great and all.. But it still feels like my battle to fight. The battle to not let "Anxiety"win. To come in and take over. I woke up with it yesterday and I woke up with it this morning. That kind of anxiety where I feel that I am wearing a choker collar. The more intense it gets the less I can breathe. The other place I feel it is in my stomach. it's where the no eating or drinking comes into play. Cause I can't feed it and I can't drown it. It still stays. It takes up my whole stomach so even if I am starving. I cant seem to swallow...
I think its the fact that I stand here in this moment without him. Physically at my side. I needed him here. I wanted him here. I wanted to give Aryanna her Daddy the one thing she only wants and needs is him. But I can't. That in itself is tough to swallow. Even though I had all these people around me.. I still felt so lonely.
I am sure that one could wonder "How could that be?" You were surrounded in people who love you and care for you and the kids.. Yes, but I wanted to be wrapped in a big bear hug, and held so tight. And again it the quesion of " i wouldn't be in this sitaution if Pete was here". I miss being married. I miss the feel of a wedding ring on my finger. Granted I am not going to run right out and look for a husband that would so not be smart!! But I do long for that moment of knowing I will never have to be alone again. While yes I will still raise children all day but the hope of someone coming home to me. to us. Feels like a blessing.
Recnetly I feel that my frineds have been telling me in a nice way that "I had it really good" when I was married to Pete. and I say "Yes, I know" He wasn't like most men. He loved children, he loved his kids. He played with them, he rough housed with them, he diciplined them. but he loved them so crazy bad. Not only was he a good father but he was a good husband as well. Don't get me wrong though, there were things about him that were not easy to live with but over all.. he was an amazing man. I know this, I know I had it good. Don't you think I know that. I know that my friends are trying to be helpful..and be supportive. But sometimes its hard too because they are just voicing what I already know. Although it does make me wonder.. will I find that again?
I know that no one will be Pete. I know this. However I can hope that there are men like Pete. Who love kids and adore me. Who can embrace the "crazy's" and understand that Pete will always be a part of me. Not only because of the kids but because he is in my heart. He is a part of my heart. So many times I look at my situation and think "This is so much.. who could want to take us on?" and then it hit me square in the face. To the right man it won't be too much. To the right man the four of us will bring love and joy to his life. Enriching it in ways that he may not have had before. I have to believe that he is out there somewhere for me. I know that God and Pete will and are guiding the kids and I. Guarding and protecting us. My hope is that For Aryanna's next birthday, I won't be alone. I will have fought the battle and won. Hopefully I will have the "right man" beside me. But if not. I know I will always have my Pete encircling us all in his angel wings.
I feel very grateful and blessed because I was surrounded by people who love Aryanna and they love me. So they were there for support. Don't get me wrong the support is great and all.. But it still feels like my battle to fight. The battle to not let "Anxiety"win. To come in and take over. I woke up with it yesterday and I woke up with it this morning. That kind of anxiety where I feel that I am wearing a choker collar. The more intense it gets the less I can breathe. The other place I feel it is in my stomach. it's where the no eating or drinking comes into play. Cause I can't feed it and I can't drown it. It still stays. It takes up my whole stomach so even if I am starving. I cant seem to swallow...
I think its the fact that I stand here in this moment without him. Physically at my side. I needed him here. I wanted him here. I wanted to give Aryanna her Daddy the one thing she only wants and needs is him. But I can't. That in itself is tough to swallow. Even though I had all these people around me.. I still felt so lonely.
I am sure that one could wonder "How could that be?" You were surrounded in people who love you and care for you and the kids.. Yes, but I wanted to be wrapped in a big bear hug, and held so tight. And again it the quesion of " i wouldn't be in this sitaution if Pete was here". I miss being married. I miss the feel of a wedding ring on my finger. Granted I am not going to run right out and look for a husband that would so not be smart!! But I do long for that moment of knowing I will never have to be alone again. While yes I will still raise children all day but the hope of someone coming home to me. to us. Feels like a blessing.
Recnetly I feel that my frineds have been telling me in a nice way that "I had it really good" when I was married to Pete. and I say "Yes, I know" He wasn't like most men. He loved children, he loved his kids. He played with them, he rough housed with them, he diciplined them. but he loved them so crazy bad. Not only was he a good father but he was a good husband as well. Don't get me wrong though, there were things about him that were not easy to live with but over all.. he was an amazing man. I know this, I know I had it good. Don't you think I know that. I know that my friends are trying to be helpful..and be supportive. But sometimes its hard too because they are just voicing what I already know. Although it does make me wonder.. will I find that again?
I know that no one will be Pete. I know this. However I can hope that there are men like Pete. Who love kids and adore me. Who can embrace the "crazy's" and understand that Pete will always be a part of me. Not only because of the kids but because he is in my heart. He is a part of my heart. So many times I look at my situation and think "This is so much.. who could want to take us on?" and then it hit me square in the face. To the right man it won't be too much. To the right man the four of us will bring love and joy to his life. Enriching it in ways that he may not have had before. I have to believe that he is out there somewhere for me. I know that God and Pete will and are guiding the kids and I. Guarding and protecting us. My hope is that For Aryanna's next birthday, I won't be alone. I will have fought the battle and won. Hopefully I will have the "right man" beside me. But if not. I know I will always have my Pete encircling us all in his angel wings.
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