I recently was told again that when things get hard in my life I seem to revert back to Pete's passing. And I am starting to really hate that analogy. Ya know maybe its because I know what loss feels like. Or that I am a walking nerve (another saying I have come to hate as well) because really whats wrong with being sensitive. Nothing. If anything more people could stand to be more sympathetic or even empathetic. I get it. I understand what its like to have the magic carpet ripped out from under you leaving a harsh reality in its place. But I digress.
My reason for responding as many have put it "in the past" maybe has to do with the present and past colliding. A close friend of mine just found out she is having a baby. I am over the moon happy for her. She and her husband will be amazing parents. Its like this bittersweet emotion washes over me. Maybe every other woman when they hear of another friend becoming pregnant has this same reaction. For me, I remember when I found I was pregnant with my first and nervous yet excitement I felt. However in this moment I have sadness too. Another friend of mine said that its more like that achy womb syndrome. The sadness that I can't have anymore children, and that I will never again get to feel the baby kick. Granted I am so glad that I don't have to deal with the nose bleeds, congestion, constant vomiting, sleeping sitting up, or making sure that I ate every two hours all night long to keep from throwing up at night. That awful anxiety, restless leg, and the worst nausea on the planet where nothing seemed to help. I don't miss that at all. But I do miss food that never tasted so good. I miss how everything was just hilarious, and the way Pete would look at me. Even though I was a beast, to him he said I was beautiful. I miss the sparkle in his eye and his excitement in seeing the baby kick underneath his hands, or the ripple across my belly as baby would move and wiggle at the sound of his daddy's voice. Maybe I have this achy womb feeling because Pete didn't get to experience it all. Or maybe that I didn't get to experience it with him.
Its hard not to forget. Again, I am grateful he got to experience it with the first two. I am glad I got to experience it with him. But, still I wonder. If you have your spouse and they were there for the whole thing does one still have that feeling of "aww I remember when we were first pregnant?" Do you feel sad that you can no longer go back to that? Is it just an age thing? Realizing that you're getting older. That your kids are getting older? Do you feel sad that they don't snuggle like they used to? I mean they still snuggle but they don't just curl up like they did when they were babies. I don't know, maybe its just this Crazy Red Haired Lady. You know since I am after all, a walking nerve and I live in the past. However, I have come to realize how important raising kids and having a family is to me. I have come to realize how much I love being a mom and how much family time means to me. For me, pregnancy was not nice. I was super sick with all three and my body never recovered from being stretched beyond stretched. You wont be seeing me in a bikini ever again. Can't say though that I am not jealous of the women who can. Yes, I know the body is an amazing thing and mine has been put through the ringer, and yes, I am grateful that it is still strong and that it looks as good as it does, but...my unrealistic expectations rear their head and I think to myself If I just worked a little harder, if I just tried a little more... Oh well, thats a blog for another day.
I think maybe its just that my memories get in the way. I'm sad that Pete isn't here to see the awesome family that the kids and I have become. I am sad that I can't just look over at him and laughingly say "hey, remember that time, I made you eat your frozen dinner on the back porch in the snow, because the smell of it was so bad it literally made me throw up?" I don't wish a different outcome. I am happy with my life and I am strong because of it. I am empathetic, I am sympathetic, and I am a walking nerve because of it. This life has made me who I am. There are just times that I wish I could just pick up the phone and call him. I know he knows, I know he see's, but its the little conversations, the moments that are long gone, and the feelings that remain. In the end I am happy for this new family and so excited to see the foods that she craves and how her body will change as she nourishes new life. For this Crazy Lady I sit with my bittersweet emotions and pat the empty seat beside me. I close my eyes and if I sit real still, I am sure I can feel the brush of angle wings against my shoulder and laughter in my ears.