Friday, May 10, 2013

Crazy Eyes.

I was driving down the road today, taking Petey to school. When all the sudden I am just a puddle of tears. I  thought of Pete's face and I missed him. That's all. Just that I missed him. With all the changes that have gone on in my life  and since his passing, its in those quiet moments that it still hits me. I miss him. Trying to explain this to someone who is on the outside looking in, would never know that I still have these thoughts. Its no that I don't talk about him, I just don't feel the need to talk about him as much. My perspective has changed. Lots of things have changed, but mostly its me that's changed. I look at my world with new eyes. More like one eye has a new perspective while the other one still see's things as they used to be. Sometimes its gets very confusing. And at other times it makes me want to shout out "Don't you see?"
      I haven't written in awhile. I  was back in hibernation. Recently the more I come out of my inner cave, I see a new pieces to the puzzle called "life." With each light bulb moment, I whisper to God and Pete. "Thank you for the new perspective."  Even in moments of rage and sadness, its still a new idea or thought that I hadn't realized before; and I feel grateful for "seeing" it.  It seems that everyone around here, even as we move forward still finds themselves in moments of grief.  Aryanna has been talking more about Pete, and in things she remembers.  From his cakes to games they played.  Currently she is getting ready for her dance recital. She had one two years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. The dress rehearsal where she looks around and see's all the mommies and daddies taking pictures and laughing. That vacant look in her eyes, as she took it all in.  That moment when the music started and she came alive. She knew the dance so well they placed her right in front for all to see.  Its the moment that happens after everyone is home and in bed, where its just her and me in my room that stands out the most.  We were lying in my bed together and she was crying so hard. Huge tears rolled down her little cheeks. "I miss daddy, I wish he was here." And that helpless empty feeling I had as I held her close. All I could say to her was "I know, Mommy does too."
     Aryanna has the memory of an elephant. Nothing gets by her. I feel that as she prepares for another recital I can't help but feel, that maybe she remembers that longing she felt. I hope that she doesn't remember all the crying and extreme sadness. Since she was all of 4.5 years old.   However I look at this recital with a new perspective. Its that one eye that see's things in a new light. We are happy. We have grown and changed so much in these past two years since his passing, and we now have J in our lives.  The kids look at him like a father. I see Aryanna and Petey come alive when he comes to their soccer game, ballet class, or even just being able to sit in his lap whenever they feel like it.  Aryanna even said last night that she wanted to do something special for J for fathers day. That makes my heart smile. Its a sign of healing, of new beginnings, of new life.  She heals and she grieves, like me.
      Another milestone for me was Pete and my wedding anniversary. It was the 26th of April. I realized the night before that it would have been our 10 yr. It hit like a ton of bricks. Really?? 10 years!! Who was I 10 years ago? Who was he?  It seemed hard to believe that I was even old enough to be married 10 years. The thoughts of how young I was. And the memories of that beautiful day 10 years ago.  I didn't tell many people. I at first didn't want to even tell J. I sort of just wanted it to come and go without notice. I don't know why really.  When in reality its actually huge. Its the beginning of our life together as a family. Like the first chapter of being an official Barajas.  When I did finally tell J he was very supportive and asked what he could do to make it easier. I didn't know. I planned to go out with my girlfriends to have sushi. I don't really go out to dinner and I hardly ever have sushi. So, it was something new and different to do. Along with something to look forward to.  The day came, and I was OK on and off. Then late afternoon. I really wasn't. All I could do was cry. Cry for the life we had, cry for the husband and man that wasn't physically here and cry for me. With one eye, I saw the pain and the hurt. With the other I saw a man who see's the kids and I as his present and future and vice versa brush the tears off my face with concern and say, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to help." However he was helping. I had him. Where in years passed I didn't. I wasn't alone in the present moment even though it felt like a very lonely place. Perspective.
      Who was that young bride with the whole world in front of her. She was strong and she wanted to stop the cycle. She found a good man, with light in his eyes and passion in his heart. She had the whole world and didn't know it. She lived under a rock and lived a little bit like "#JuneCleaver."  On one level that wasn't bad. She learned what a loving family was. What it meant to have trust in another person. To finally understand what being husband and wife was all about. Understanding that he was my best friend, and husband and how important that was. The bond that would pull us through moments where we didn't really like each other very well but why we still kept holding on. The beauty and the frustration of becoming a mother. Learning the balance of motherhood, parenthood  and even partner-hood.  How to be a team, how to be a home-maker, and how desperately not to lose my identity. But I still did lose who I was. I conformed.  I didn't ask questions, I didn't pay enough attention to things that I should have and eventually I felt very helpless. But, That young bride who in a moments eye, lost my whole world. Learned a very important perspective. Strength in a form I never knew I had. I put one foot in front of the other and kept going.
    I didn't lie down and let the emptiness, bitterness, and depression take over. I got up every morning. I hated it. I didn't want to be where he wasn't. But we did it anyway.  Where is that Bride now?  She is strong, courageous, loving, and most of all found out who she is. More that what she thought. I can't be walked on, I can't  be taken advantage of. I ask the questions and look for the silver lining. I look for a perspective when I know there is a better way. I found love in an unexpected place. I found love because I knew what love looked like. I knew what it meant to be loved unconditionally. In both forms. One, with God who carried us when we could not even move. And in another form from Pete, who taught me the importance of family and marriage.  While I have seen this with new eyes. I get why my grief of my 10 year anniversary was a big deal. Its remembering the beauty, the joy, the beginning chapters, as well as the heartache. But still. I am grateful.
     These eyes of mine have seen much. I know they will see and experience more. The perspectives I hope to gain. The ideas of doing it different and in ways that I didn't know I could. . Knowing that this mother and eventually wife knows the importance of holding on to the Woman inside who is capable of incredible things. It's putting the puzzle together one crazy piece at a time, with these crazy eyes.

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