I finally took a break for a couple days. I went to Story Indiana. If you have never been, you should go. Take the whole family. Or just take yourself and go. A hidden treasure in the woods. I felt free, and safe. Like a little kid, I saw the open fields and I wanted to run as far as I could. Fill my lungs with the wind and the trees, feel the sun touch my skin. Breathe in the new and exhale the old, the exhausted, the completely worn out. I could picture myself standing in the middle of the field surrounded by trees. My arms stretched up high and my eyes taking in the beauty of the sky. I close my eyes and I see a golden ball of light drop down from the heavens and into my soul. It fills me with warmth and wraps ribbons around my body. The sense of peace and joy is overwhelming. Finally a sense that its really OK. I am safe. I can breathe easy here. No worries, no grief, just love. The wind whips through my hair and lifts it off my neck. My curls fly wild in every direction. It fills me with laughter and I can't help but smile. The sky is blue and the clouds look like big pillows in the sky. I am happy, I am free.
It was an amazing experience unlike one I have had in almost 4 years. I didn't worry about my kids, I didn't worry about the places I needed to be, the things I should be doing, or the networking I should be doing.. Nothing. I didn't even have cell service. Which at times was hard when I wanted to talk to the kids. I was seriously footloose and fancy free. The food was amazing, the people were friendly and treated J and I like family. It's no wonder my dad runs away to Story every chance he gets.
The one problem, Now it's time to come back to reality. And I really don't want to. I mean I understand that people love vacation and say that it's so hard to come home. But, this was more that just a vacation. This was a break. Can you imagine never having a break in three years. Never slowing down? Never stopping to smell the roses? I am a constant worrier. I wasn't worried. I enjoyed my life in that moment. Right. Where. I was. We were two people running around not caring about the rest of the world. I finally stopped. I stood still, and I didn't fall down. I breathed. I finally came to understand what it means to breathe and just let go and enjoy. Everything else just melted away. No pain, no anxieties, no utter and complete gaping wound, just peace. I felt it. I really felt peace. Not just putting a band aide over my heart. But, I found the salve to put on my heart and allow it to sink in fully. To absorb and heal the spots that still feel raw and irritated For a moment I didn't hurt. I left it all behind.
The question remains, How to take that salve and serene and apply it to this reality? Back to the hustle and bustle of this every day life. Doctor appointments, bills to pay, people to call, make dinner, do 2nd grade home work. Put out fires, break up fights. referee the children. on and on it goes. I sat in my kitchen tonight looking at the floor just wishing for it all to just slow down. I feel as if I just learned to breathe over the weekend. I want to embrace it and pull it towards me and into my body. Along with three squishy wiggly kids and their sweet smiles. I want it all to just stop for a minute. I don't want it to go backwards or forwards, just stay right here. How can I be back in this space where he isn't? How do I remember to let go of the worry?
I keep jumping back and forth in my mind to that place in the field with my arms stretched out. I want that and I want this too. I like my freedom and I love being a mom. I didn't understand the fullness of really letting my hair down. I haven't stopped to just let the earth heal me. I feel that I have been in constant motion for 2.5 years. constantly moving, just keep moving. To me there is only one way to get through it. Keep going, don't stop! Like trudging through snow. I cant feel my toes, but I know that if I just keep walking I will be home soon. Where a warm fire, hot chocolate and smiling faces await me. Move forward one step at a time, The uphill climb starts to even out and for a little bit I can catch my breath. For a little bit the cold air that I breathe in doesn't hurt my lungs so bad. However my toes are frozen, I hit a rock and fall on my face. I stand up and my forehead is bleeding. I am hurt and frozen but I know, I know, my house isn't far. If I can just keep going. Keep going for me, and keep going for those who are counting on me. I feel that in this past weekend, for a couple of days, I found that warm home. It didn't have the same faces, and these people didn't count on me for everything. These faces came to serve me. I found a place to relax, warm up, and feed my soul from the inside out. I left the cold and the snow outside. I took off my heavy wet clothes and snow covered boots and hung them up to dry by the fire. I washed my cut on my heart, put my FC5 conditioning oil on and allowed it to sink into every layer. To ease, and heal one layer at a time. I am forever grateful for the experience not just for the cabin the woods but for all of it. The walk in the snow, the bruise on my heart. If it weren't for the excruciating pain, I may have never known what it was like to breathe and feel full. I know, I am crazy... But for a little while I found a new kind of free that I didn't know I had and it touched me in a way I won't soon forget.
*Free* By: Zac Brown Band
So we live out of our old van
Travel across this land
Just me and you
We'll end up hand and hand
Somewhere down on the sand
Just me and you
*Just as Free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Drive until the city lights
Dissolve into the country sky
Just me and you
Lay Underneath the Harvest Moon
Do all the things that lovers do
Just me and you
*Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be and ever...
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is Love.....
*Just as free as we'll ever be
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
So we will live out of our old van
Travel all across this land
Just me and you
It was an amazing experience unlike one I have had in almost 4 years. I didn't worry about my kids, I didn't worry about the places I needed to be, the things I should be doing, or the networking I should be doing.. Nothing. I didn't even have cell service. Which at times was hard when I wanted to talk to the kids. I was seriously footloose and fancy free. The food was amazing, the people were friendly and treated J and I like family. It's no wonder my dad runs away to Story every chance he gets.
The one problem, Now it's time to come back to reality. And I really don't want to. I mean I understand that people love vacation and say that it's so hard to come home. But, this was more that just a vacation. This was a break. Can you imagine never having a break in three years. Never slowing down? Never stopping to smell the roses? I am a constant worrier. I wasn't worried. I enjoyed my life in that moment. Right. Where. I was. We were two people running around not caring about the rest of the world. I finally stopped. I stood still, and I didn't fall down. I breathed. I finally came to understand what it means to breathe and just let go and enjoy. Everything else just melted away. No pain, no anxieties, no utter and complete gaping wound, just peace. I felt it. I really felt peace. Not just putting a band aide over my heart. But, I found the salve to put on my heart and allow it to sink in fully. To absorb and heal the spots that still feel raw and irritated For a moment I didn't hurt. I left it all behind.
The question remains, How to take that salve and serene and apply it to this reality? Back to the hustle and bustle of this every day life. Doctor appointments, bills to pay, people to call, make dinner, do 2nd grade home work. Put out fires, break up fights. referee the children. on and on it goes. I sat in my kitchen tonight looking at the floor just wishing for it all to just slow down. I feel as if I just learned to breathe over the weekend. I want to embrace it and pull it towards me and into my body. Along with three squishy wiggly kids and their sweet smiles. I want it all to just stop for a minute. I don't want it to go backwards or forwards, just stay right here. How can I be back in this space where he isn't? How do I remember to let go of the worry?
I keep jumping back and forth in my mind to that place in the field with my arms stretched out. I want that and I want this too. I like my freedom and I love being a mom. I didn't understand the fullness of really letting my hair down. I haven't stopped to just let the earth heal me. I feel that I have been in constant motion for 2.5 years. constantly moving, just keep moving. To me there is only one way to get through it. Keep going, don't stop! Like trudging through snow. I cant feel my toes, but I know that if I just keep walking I will be home soon. Where a warm fire, hot chocolate and smiling faces await me. Move forward one step at a time, The uphill climb starts to even out and for a little bit I can catch my breath. For a little bit the cold air that I breathe in doesn't hurt my lungs so bad. However my toes are frozen, I hit a rock and fall on my face. I stand up and my forehead is bleeding. I am hurt and frozen but I know, I know, my house isn't far. If I can just keep going. Keep going for me, and keep going for those who are counting on me. I feel that in this past weekend, for a couple of days, I found that warm home. It didn't have the same faces, and these people didn't count on me for everything. These faces came to serve me. I found a place to relax, warm up, and feed my soul from the inside out. I left the cold and the snow outside. I took off my heavy wet clothes and snow covered boots and hung them up to dry by the fire. I washed my cut on my heart, put my FC5 conditioning oil on and allowed it to sink into every layer. To ease, and heal one layer at a time. I am forever grateful for the experience not just for the cabin the woods but for all of it. The walk in the snow, the bruise on my heart. If it weren't for the excruciating pain, I may have never known what it was like to breathe and feel full. I know, I am crazy... But for a little while I found a new kind of free that I didn't know I had and it touched me in a way I won't soon forget.
*Free* By: Zac Brown Band
So we live out of our old van
Travel across this land
Just me and you
We'll end up hand and hand
Somewhere down on the sand
Just me and you
*Just as Free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Drive until the city lights
Dissolve into the country sky
Just me and you
Lay Underneath the Harvest Moon
Do all the things that lovers do
Just me and you
*Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be and ever...
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is Love.....
*Just as free as we'll ever be
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
So we will live out of our old van
Travel all across this land
Just me and you
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