Monday, June 18, 2012

Crazy loud...

I hurt today more than I have in months. Like my insides have been ripped out. It doesn't matter how they fell out, its the after math. I struggle today with picking up the pieces. I want to sit and lick my wounds. Something I am not prone to doing. Sometimes it doesn't seem to matter how big the picture is, it's realizing you can never please everyone. even in grief. It's my pain. It's my path. And while it may have not been ment to beat me with words or to slash at me, I am an easy target.  I also realize that in a few days I will be able to find a compromise and do so with love and joy.  But for now, I feel the loss as if it happened yesterday. I want to shout and scream that If only he had lived. But he didn't and how long are we going to argue about doing things the "old way" He is not physically here!! I won't stand still and live my life around what if he had lived, or what would he do if he was here. I will not shut off myself, shut out my heart to love. I will not stop happiness from flowing. I will not do that to my kids and I will not do that to this family. It doesn't honor him in any way.  While the rage and frustration of what is,  boils up inside of me and wants to just explode all over the situation doesn't do anyone any good.
   The fact remains the same., I hurt. I miss him. I wish to God he would just step down from the heavens and talk to me. I don't want some one else's opinion about what they think is right. I want Pete. There is only one me. And how it hurts me, is my path and my lesson.. I don't feel that I am entitled by any means. I am just tired of being the punching bag for when things go wrong. Whether is is by my own mind or by someone else,  grief is hard. It's all hard. My hurt is not worse than any one else's. . It still hurts 2.5 years later. It still hurts, and moving forward is not easy, but I do it for Pete, I do it for my children.  To grow, to live, to love, to see the beauty of what once was and what is now. However on this day I feel so sad and so lonely for him that I want to shout until I am hoarse.  I want to run so fast away from all this hurt. leave the parts of me that are aching and scarred on the sidewalk. The parts of me that are full of anger and frustration. Just run To feel only the my ragged breath inside my lungs. Wishing for rain to pour from the sky washing those parts on the ground soothing the red and raw, leaving them peaceful and cool. So that on my way back to where I dropped them I can pick them up, dry them off and put them back in place. Refreshed and ready to start again.
   I know that in time I will get out of my corner, take a deep breath. I will turn around to the music that is on full blast that vibrates me to the core. I will do it with love in my heart, and a sparkle in my eye. With kids in hand and one on my hip. I know that through all the crazy loud there is a soft sound in my right ear. It's the sound of Angel wings. It's those wings that wrap around us, it's that hidden strength the propels us forward. To honor him and life he wants us to live. For he lives through each of us.   

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