some Crazy thinking....

Another crazy day... but when aren't the days crazy?  The anniversary of 9/11 really had me thinking today. One of my thoughts was how interesting it is that I now understand what some of these women went through and go through as they lost their husbands so quickly and tragically.  My hope is that after 10 years things are getting a bit better. However maybe that's my glamorous idea of how the world should work. Or how grief should work. Surely after 10 years, things wouldn't be as crazy right? Here I am coming up on two years and in some ways it feels more crazy now than it did then. Granted I am not pregnant, thank goodness! (lol) And i was going to say my grief isn't what it was almost two years ago... but if that were the case Pete's "journey" hadn't started yet. on Sept 11,2009 Pete was still healthy, living and breathing. Little did either of us know what was to come. Even now I sit here and I think  "what was it like for these women who lost their husbands? The women that were expecting, the women that had just had babies. All those children both born and unborn who never got to either meet their dad's or get to know them. What are they like now? Ten years later...
   I was sitting inside a coffee shop, inside of the church, that the kids and I have just started "trying" out.  As I was sitting there thinking about picking up the kids I had a crazy question cross my mind. "What does Chase Leo think of all the daddy's that come to pick up their kids from his room?" Does he wonder why he doesn't have a Daddy? I mean I know he is only 19 months old, but he is smart. I am sure that somewhere in his mind he must wonder. And I wonder, at what point will he ask me where his Daddy is? I was so bothered by this I thought about calling someone. As if they would have the answer. And really who would I have called? It was like this moment of Oh my gosh! I have to find the answer. But there isn't one. Who is to say when Chase Leo will ask. But is it silly for me to worry about his reaction to all the other toddlers getting picked up from class? Maybe... But still I wonder, and still, I feel sad for him.
   There was a woman that I started talking with while in said coffee place. We got to talking about our lives and I had mentioned that I was a widow. That I had three children, and that he had passed when I was still pregnant. Sometimes it feels so odd to tell people this. Like as if standing outside of myself thinking "wait, that really happened?" And at other times, I find myself feeling sad for them that I am telling them something that is making them sad. Like today, this woman had such expressive eyes that I felt awful for telling her. Like I was sad that she was sad. I know crazy? I didn't want to upset her, I didn't even know her. But I know how telling my story can upset people.  Even though it's my story. It's my crazy. It's my life. My path.  I have wanted to help people who grieve or struggle with their own life. Helping them to see that they are not alone and in pain. Help people, who are feeling that no one could possibly begin to understand at all.  Making people feel sad was not on my list.
   I feel sad for these women of 9/11 today. Feeling sad for Chase Leo that his daddy doesn't come to pick him up. And sad for this woman who had, had her own terrible struggles who felt sad for me.  What does it all mean?  I don't know...  It's interesting how last year I hadn't put the two ideas together. The fact that I now have a better understanding of what these women must have gone through on some level. How even though today is not about Pete, it does still feel  like it  is in some way. Every police officer, and firefighter I saw at that church today I wanted to say... I get it. I don't get your exact experience, cause I wasn't there. But on some level I do. And I am so sorry the pain you felt, and the pain you still feel. What's grief like 10 years later? Does it still hurt as bad? What did these women tell their children when they started asking "Where is my Daddy?" At what age did they ask?  So many questions that run around my brain.
   I remember the first time I went to Brookes Place. (bereavement support for children and families) I listened to the other parents "check in" stating who they were, and how long it had been since their spouse had passed. Chase Leo was only two weeks old the first time I went. I remember listening to people who were like 2 and 3 years out, ever 5 or 6 years out. And I thought "Oh my gosh I am still going to be this horribly miserable in 6 years?" Or even "You can bet I won't be here in 5 years." But who is to say. It's about the kids after all. It's mainly for them and if A and P want to go we will go. Every life change has a grief moment with it. Aryanna is 6 years old now and even she is started to "get it" more.  Another question occurred to me just now will Chase Leo want to go to Brookes Place? Can he? He never met him.. will he still grieve? Obviously not in the same way that A and P do... I don't have the answer. Just like I don't know what's going on inside CL's little mind. And I don't know when he will ask me. But does it matter? In the whole grand scheme of things does it really matter?  I guess it doesn't. Chase Leo will ask when he asks. And I will tell him the best way I know how. And I will tell him that even though his Daddy didn't get to physically meet him, oh how he loved his little boy.
   Just like all these women did. They told their children of how strong and brave their daddy was. So when I recall the events of  9/11 and exactly where I was and where Pete was. I also remember all of those women who lost their husbands and what it did to them and their children.  I hope that in 10 years from now I can remember with love, and beauty, and grace. Of all the wonderful memories that I got to have with Pete. While it was too short. I am forever grateful.

" Good Man"  by Indie Arie
I remember the first day I met you
we were so young
You were a blessing and there was no
guessing, you were the one
Love is so crazy. We had a baby and said our vows
That's when you told me should anything happen
I can hear you now, You told me...

** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man

First anniversary remember we chose a star
And as I stand under it I can't help but
wonder where you are.
For whatever reason, you don't see the seasons
change again
Go there with peace of mind, We'll meet on the
other side
Cause True love don't end
and Baby...

** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man

Two eyes looking up at me
Pointing to a picture like where is he
Mama are you OK
What did the paper say to make you cry that way
It said your Daddy lived for you and your
daddy died for you and
I'll do the same...

** If the sun comes up and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you, do your best
to carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they are old enough to understand
tell them that their Daddy was a good man

Crazy Sight...

The temperature has finally started to drop. Today the winds were much cooler than they have been. With this change brings thoughts of Pete. And memories of days gone by. How he loved this type of weather. He used to say it was "good snuggle weather." :)  Lately I have felt so far away from him. So much change that has happened and at times he seems like a distant memory. Another place, another lifetime. It feels like it's been so much longer than 22 months. The memories that feel too close and yet light years away.
  Today I took the kids to the outlet mall to get new shoes. We were standing on the sidewalk eating ice cream when one of my random thoughts crept in. Pete never met Chase Leo. What.. is it something I have just now figured out? Or is it something I am finally able to accept? As if the realization that he never met him has finally hit. He never saw his face. I mean on some level I feel he did. The spirit world is an interesting place.. And I feel Pete so often in the house that I know he has seen him. And I know that CL has seen Pete and knows who he is. But it's that physical level. I guess it's that I never got to see Pete, see Chase Leo. I never got to see Pete hold Chase Leo. Rock him to sleep, change his diaper, give him a bath. It's me. I never saw it. and I guess that's where more loss, more realizations, comes into play. I missed out on it too.
    Being the emotional, intense and sensitive being that I am, I am starting to realize the many levels of loss and grieving. It's not only the loss of him not being physically present. It's the loss of what I didn't get to physically see, feel, and touch.  I have physical memories of Pete with Petey and Aryanna. The way it felt to hold Aryanna as an infant with Pete holding us both. The things we marveled at, and all the wonder of being a new parent. The memories of naps he had with Aryanna and Petey. The way he held Aryanna, the bond they shared. They way he played with Petey. All the things he taught them. I got to see with my own two eyes. To feel his love and devotion for the kids. To see and feel, to know in my bones what it was like for him to be a Daddy. I got to see all of that. And yes, on many levels I am SO lucky, I know.... but on so many levels I am not.
    I remember standing by his bed and thinking how hard it would be on Pete for him to never hold his son. And that He would live because I knew he couldn't bear not to be here for Chase Leo.  But it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough.... I stood helpless and pregnant and lost and lonely. Looking at this beautiful man that I loved, that I married, that I shared my life with slipping away from me... It was never a thought that he wouldn't live. It was never a thought! Even when the doctors told me I needed to decide that if his heart stopped beating should they try and get him back. Even then, I knew my Pete, and I knew what he could handle. It wasn't death. He would get better. He WOULD, and I would have the baby and he would be right beside me holding the camera.  I pictured it over and over again. He was there, with me, in the delivery room. I pictured him standing, I pictured him in a wheel chair sitting next to me.. But By golly he was there. Because I knew HE wouldn't miss it. I knew it would kill him to miss it. But the truth, the fact remains... He physically missed it.  He missed it? Really? He wasn't there to hold my hand, to tell me it was OK. To tell me how big CL was and so beautiful. That he looked like his name that we had chosen. I missed seeing him looking at me... I missed seeing him hold the camera. I missed seeing, feeling, touching, his face. I missed the warmth of his hand on mine, his kiss on my lips. I missed seeing the pride in his eyes as he looked at me holding his son. I missed seeing him hold and kiss his beautiful baby boy. I missed it all.
    All these realizations hit me full force standing on the sidewalk. Even now... I realize the ache, the pain, this sunken feeling of loss not like I have felt before. Like the lightbulb has gone off. This constant every day missing him is not just about missing Pete, It's missing out on seeing Pete do the everyday things that made him who he was. It's no wonder I constantly feel like I am missing out on life. Because a part of me is. Hello!!  Crazy Lady.. I am. My life without him..I am missing that part of seeing him, see me and our life together.  Thats what's missing. I needed to look into his eyes. His eyes, seeing me. His eyes seeing A, P and CL. I can look at his eyes any time I want because all three kids have his eyes. But they are duplicates of his eyes..they aren't the originals. They aren't Pete's, and yet they are. I know, I know, Crazy....
   The Epiphany has come and gone. It didn't kill me. It;s just another realization of how interesting our minds work. How our hearts work. How these thoughts these "realizations" I am having, I could not have had before. My heart, my psyche couldn't have handled it before.    The levels of loss are incomprehensible at times. And just when I think I have gotten a good grip on it. The weather changes, bringing with it more change, more loss, more grief. And yet more realizations about myself. Of where I have been, and where I am now. All lessons being taught. It's whether I show up to learn them. That's the question isn't it? Will I continue to show up and learn them. Cause Lord knows I can't change them.  It is what it is..He's gone and I'm still here. And whether I skip a day from class, I will still have make-up work. So even if I stop attending, it will eventually catch up with me, and I will have to learn all those lessons that I missed before. It's like anything else you have to work for what you want. I have to study, and learn , and prepare, for the test. And if I don't, then this crazy life takes over. It knocks me down and flattens me. The crazy life wins. And I don't like to lose. Not without a good fight. I don't like to be told I can't. Cause I will prove you wrong until you hold up your hands and say OK enough, You win.
   Still this lesson is hard. It hurts, it's complicated, it's messy and at times it can be brutal. It's in your face there is no beating around the bush. I can't turn away. I have to walk this path. And Unfortunately three very wonderful little children have to walk it too. The four of us have to do the work of learning without our fifth member of our small group. It's horrible and at many times it seems so completely unfair.  However it's taking the lessons we have learned and the tests we have taken and aced and put them up on our refrigerator to remind us how amazing and awesome we are.  Even though he is not here we have continued to show up. And even though I have missed out on seeing it..I continue to have Faith and try to see things from a new point of view. A view that I know he would want me to see. It's also having the Faith, and the trust, to know that when he see's his small group from across the classroom..he is proud of what he see's. For when he see's us, he knows that even though he can't physically show up for class, we will ace this test without him. We don't want to, But we will. It's what he would, have wanted to see.