Just plain Crazy

You know I am real tired of doing things by myself. Those irritating "Family outings". Things that Pete and I would have done together I now have to do by myself. I am done!! Today was one of those things that I thought would be fun. It's such a nice day lets go out and do something. The kids were insane in the house. So why not go out get some chicken nuggets and head to a park. So off we went. Got the chicken and then headed to the par. It was a park we hadn't been to before I mean we had played at the splash pad but not at the playground that was hidden in the woods. I get out of the car, get the stroller out. Adjust the seat. Take Chase Leo out of the car seat and into the stroller put the well packed diaper bag in the bottom of the stroller. Unbuckle Petey, drive stroller to other side of the car unbuckle Aryanna. Shut all the doors and head to the playground. When A and P shout they have to go potty!! So I said OK lets wait a minute and eat some more lunch and then go to the potty. b/c sometimes going to the potty is just something to do. So we went over to the playground. All is going well until Petey decides that he can't wait any longer and Pee's in the mulch at the playground. Wonderful!!  So then Chase Leo gets fussy. And needs to eat. Get out the baby food. And start to feed him. Then Aryanna says she must go to the potty right this instant. Finish feeding Chase Leo pack up the stuff and head to the bathroom. Once inside the bathroom is gross and both potty;s have ick in them. SO back to the car to get the travel potty when Lo and behold I don't have it. I remember I took it into the house to clean it out. Lovely!! So everybody into the car. Meanwhile Petey is crying cause he wants to play in the splash pad when I have told him over and over that I didn't bring his bathing suit that I had only planned to play on the playground. I should have known better. At this pint I feel like no matter what I do everything I do bites me in the ass. Tried to take kids to do something fun and it again doesn't work. Then I feel that If Pete would have been with me, maybe I could have made the trip last a little longer and it would have been a nice day for a fun family event.
 SO load all back into the car. Chase Leo is crying by this point and A and P are arguing over something insane. Everyone in buckles and away we go to go home. A lovely day that I feel was wasted. All that preparing and who knows if they had any fun and I feel completely alone!!
  Alone, Alone., alone. Sometimes I feel that I can't even describe this type of loneliness unless you are a widow then you get it.  The thing is that I don't want to have to wait to ask someone to come over to help me go to the park. For God's sakes Its the damn park. I know, I know some of this every single mother in the whole world has to deal with when they try to go out to the zoo or to the park or anything. But on the other hand it feels like I am  the only one at the moment who has to feel this alone. Tired of looking at all the families together. It's Sunday afternoon. Oh and for the love of GOD I cannot get Petey to shut the hell up for just a minute. Why is it that When I want to just write some stuff out so that I don't blow completely up they can't just give me some space. I even old them what I was doing. and no amount of ignoring is helping. And now Chase Leo is at me feet banging his head into the couch crying that he needs my attention. Again if Pete were here he could entertain them so that I could write. But if he were here I wouldn't need a blog at all. Sometimes it just keeps coming back to that whole thing again. But He is not here and I am writing this blog and I am having a bad day and I am frustrated with life and, and , AND!! today it feels never ending.
 I just wanted to go to the park and have some fun with the kids. So now I feel Crazy on the inside crazy on the outside Just Plain Crazy!!!!!!!!!!