Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Crazy holiday griever...

The holidays are supposed to be filled with such joy and wonder. And for the most part they are. That is if you aren't grieving. I wouldn't call myself an Active griever. If there is such a phrase. But I am not a passive one either. I am in the middle. I am a learned to live with loss and heartache while moving forward into the next stage of my life griever.  However the holidays make me feel like a full fledged all in griever.  In moments where there is supposed to be joy and wonder I find myself looking out the window thinking and wishing he was here to physically see it. It's another Christmas without him. It's another Birthday without him, its another new year without him.
   The holidays are also full of so many emotions that leave me feeling confused. One minute exuberant and giddy the next angry and sour. Yelling from one end of the house to the other and then sitting on the couch crying my eyes out. And yet, I am still happy to be where I am. Happy that I am not where I was three years ago and happy to have learned to let in love and be loved by another.  My children are happy, they have  have found once again their sparkle and wonder of the spirit of Christmas but also of being a child as well.  So why in all of this happiness should I still ache for him?  It's simple.. I always will. No matter how many holidays, birthdays, seasons, or monumental events I will still look out the window and miss him.  This idea I think escapes many. Those who have never really loved. with their whole heart. Or. have never really known or felt true, pure love. It is because I have had it, known it, tasted it, and lived it. Do I know the sheer and rare beauty of it.  It's why I can learn to live with the pain, and love again. Its not the same love. And why would it be. I am not the same person that I was then.  I have learned much, and I am still learning every day.
    Lately I feel that my anger gets the best of me. I am mad at him. Still mad!  Pete, I think always knew he wouldn't grow old. Its why he lived his life the way he did. The things that make me so mad, are the questions that I cannot ask him. So many things that he didn't tell me and I want to know why. Why did he leave me here to figure them out. No heads up, no warning.  A "hey, if I die before you, some of these things will be really hard, and this is why..."  I had an idea about some of these "ideas" mostly because I watched his relationships and how he interacted with people. What he expected and what made his heart hurt when he was misunderstood.  Most of them though, he protected me from. And while I am grateful, I am also really mad too.  I knew him better than anyone else. He was the inside of my heart and the air that I breathed. We were a team in raising kids, in marriage and most of all my best friend. He was calm when I was over the edge, and I was calm and reasonable when he was being stubborn and bull headed.   However I still feel like he left me here. With each step forward, I realize something new. With each perspective I see with new eyes, and yet I still find myself yelling over my shoulder Damnit Pete! Why didn't you tell me how to do this.
      When I met Pete he was my knight in shining armor. That is exactly what I needed. I needed rescuing. I needed someone to show me that I was needed. That there was more to me than just a pretty face. That I was smart, charismatic,  funny, and witty. He gave me the strength I needed, and I helped him see a new perspective as well. To see wonder, to look outside the engineering box and believe in things unseen.  He helped pave the way  for what was to come.   When he passed, I couldn't see. I was in the dark. Completely blinded. I got up every day for my kids and for the baby that I was growing. I pushed forward. It was as if I put on a harness hooked myself up to the front of my van and pulled everyone in it along. Through rain, through, snow, sleet, mud,  heat, sweat, tears,and blood. Empty, lost, lonely and needing him so badly that I thought the van would crush me. I still thought to myself that what I needed is to be rescued. However in these last couple days, I have realized I don't need rescuing. I am THE Warrior. What I need, is another harness. Another harness, for someone to hook themselves to this van, and pull it with me. So that we the warriors do it together. " I need man that stands beside me, not in front of or behind me, I need a man that stands beside me" (JoDee Messina)       I take that pain, and that anguish of a heart that was fragmented into millions of pieces. With all those fears, angst, worry, anxiety, and tears.  I learned how to put my heart back together. I learned how to put my children's hearts back together. I learned, what we were and are made of and with all of those things that we saw and tasted and tested together I learned  and we learned to love again.
   Its not easy to let go, "I'm holding my heart out by clutching it too." (NickelCreek)  However its the way one survives. To learn, to grow, to gain a new perspective  With each Christmas that passes, with each of his birthday's that goes by. I miss him still, with such intensity that it takes my breath. But my heart still beats, and I still breathe in and out.  I still remember the man that I loved. The man that loved me. The man that picked me to love for always. He married me, and we have three beautiful children. He may not physically be here but I rejoice in the fact that I had him in my life. These two harnesses that now pull this van. This love, this life that we are weaving together.  It makes up every strand that is my life, that was his life that he is not physically capable of living right now.  His heart lives in me. It lives in his children. With his memory., his path, his essence we grow. The man that has been blessed in our lives now, that wears this harness to help pull this van. My children look up to him. He helps them heal. To be like a father in a way that their daddy just can't do right now. I am grateful that CL calls him Dada. That Petey refers to him as his dad to his friends. That Aryanna can look into another man eye's and know love.   What healing has taken place in this house and in our hearts. While I still have many moments of intense grieving,  moments of anger and frustration along with so many questions.  I also have many moments that make my heart smile. With tears in my eyes I look to the heavens, I thank God, for courage and strength that he gives me every day. I reach my left hand over to my right shoulder and pat the place where I feel Pete's hand.  I nod my head and whisper  I am grateful, I am grateful.

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