Monday, September 5, 2011

Crazy Sight...

The temperature has finally started to drop. Today the winds were much cooler than they have been. With this change brings thoughts of Pete. And memories of days gone by. How he loved this type of weather. He used to say it was "good snuggle weather." :)  Lately I have felt so far away from him. So much change that has happened and at times he seems like a distant memory. Another place, another lifetime. It feels like it's been so much longer than 22 months. The memories that feel too close and yet light years away.
  Today I took the kids to the outlet mall to get new shoes. We were standing on the sidewalk eating ice cream when one of my random thoughts crept in. Pete never met Chase Leo. What.. is it something I have just now figured out? Or is it something I am finally able to accept? As if the realization that he never met him has finally hit. He never saw his face. I mean on some level I feel he did. The spirit world is an interesting place.. And I feel Pete so often in the house that I know he has seen him. And I know that CL has seen Pete and knows who he is. But it's that physical level. I guess it's that I never got to see Pete, see Chase Leo. I never got to see Pete hold Chase Leo. Rock him to sleep, change his diaper, give him a bath. It's me. I never saw it. and I guess that's where more loss, more realizations, comes into play. I missed out on it too.
    Being the emotional, intense and sensitive being that I am, I am starting to realize the many levels of loss and grieving. It's not only the loss of him not being physically present. It's the loss of what I didn't get to physically see, feel, and touch.  I have physical memories of Pete with Petey and Aryanna. The way it felt to hold Aryanna as an infant with Pete holding us both. The things we marveled at, and all the wonder of being a new parent. The memories of naps he had with Aryanna and Petey. The way he held Aryanna, the bond they shared. They way he played with Petey. All the things he taught them. I got to see with my own two eyes. To feel his love and devotion for the kids. To see and feel, to know in my bones what it was like for him to be a Daddy. I got to see all of that. And yes, on many levels I am SO lucky, I know.... but on so many levels I am not.
    I remember standing by his bed and thinking how hard it would be on Pete for him to never hold his son. And that He would live because I knew he couldn't bear not to be here for Chase Leo.  But it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough.... I stood helpless and pregnant and lost and lonely. Looking at this beautiful man that I loved, that I married, that I shared my life with slipping away from me... It was never a thought that he wouldn't live. It was never a thought! Even when the doctors told me I needed to decide that if his heart stopped beating should they try and get him back. Even then, I knew my Pete, and I knew what he could handle. It wasn't death. He would get better. He WOULD, and I would have the baby and he would be right beside me holding the camera.  I pictured it over and over again. He was there, with me, in the delivery room. I pictured him standing, I pictured him in a wheel chair sitting next to me.. But By golly he was there. Because I knew HE wouldn't miss it. I knew it would kill him to miss it. But the truth, the fact remains... He physically missed it.  He missed it? Really? He wasn't there to hold my hand, to tell me it was OK. To tell me how big CL was and so beautiful. That he looked like his name that we had chosen. I missed seeing him looking at me... I missed seeing him hold the camera. I missed seeing, feeling, touching, his face. I missed the warmth of his hand on mine, his kiss on my lips. I missed seeing the pride in his eyes as he looked at me holding his son. I missed seeing him hold and kiss his beautiful baby boy. I missed it all.
    All these realizations hit me full force standing on the sidewalk. Even now... I realize the ache, the pain, this sunken feeling of loss not like I have felt before. Like the lightbulb has gone off. This constant every day missing him is not just about missing Pete, It's missing out on seeing Pete do the everyday things that made him who he was. It's no wonder I constantly feel like I am missing out on life. Because a part of me is. Hello!!  Crazy Lady.. I am. My life without him..I am missing that part of seeing him, see me and our life together.  Thats what's missing. I needed to look into his eyes. His eyes, seeing me. His eyes seeing A, P and CL. I can look at his eyes any time I want because all three kids have his eyes. But they are duplicates of his eyes..they aren't the originals. They aren't Pete's, and yet they are. I know, I know, Crazy....
   The Epiphany has come and gone. It didn't kill me. It;s just another realization of how interesting our minds work. How our hearts work. How these thoughts these "realizations" I am having, I could not have had before. My heart, my psyche couldn't have handled it before.    The levels of loss are incomprehensible at times. And just when I think I have gotten a good grip on it. The weather changes, bringing with it more change, more loss, more grief. And yet more realizations about myself. Of where I have been, and where I am now. All lessons being taught. It's whether I show up to learn them. That's the question isn't it? Will I continue to show up and learn them. Cause Lord knows I can't change them.  It is what it is..He's gone and I'm still here. And whether I skip a day from class, I will still have make-up work. So even if I stop attending, it will eventually catch up with me, and I will have to learn all those lessons that I missed before. It's like anything else you have to work for what you want. I have to study, and learn , and prepare, for the test. And if I don't, then this crazy life takes over. It knocks me down and flattens me. The crazy life wins. And I don't like to lose. Not without a good fight. I don't like to be told I can't. Cause I will prove you wrong until you hold up your hands and say OK enough, You win.
   Still this lesson is hard. It hurts, it's complicated, it's messy and at times it can be brutal. It's in your face there is no beating around the bush. I can't turn away. I have to walk this path. And Unfortunately three very wonderful little children have to walk it too. The four of us have to do the work of learning without our fifth member of our small group. It's horrible and at many times it seems so completely unfair.  However it's taking the lessons we have learned and the tests we have taken and aced and put them up on our refrigerator to remind us how amazing and awesome we are.  Even though he is not here we have continued to show up. And even though I have missed out on seeing it..I continue to have Faith and try to see things from a new point of view. A view that I know he would want me to see. It's also having the Faith, and the trust, to know that when he see's his small group from across the classroom..he is proud of what he see's. For when he see's us, he knows that even though he can't physically show up for class, we will ace this test without him. We don't want to, But we will. It's what he would, have wanted to see. 

No comments:

Post a Comment