Sunday, January 16, 2011

This Madness, may lead to a padded room for the Crazy!

I am so mad at this moment that I can't even pretend to be nice. Honestly! So mad at Pete for leaving me here to clean up his F**** mess that he left behind. I am so mad, that I physically want to punch something until my hands bleed. Anything to get over being so mad!!!  Let me guess "It's about time I got mad at him" Well here it is full force! I am tired of doing it all the time constantly. Yes, i realize I have breaks and I beg people to watch my kids, and I plan the play dates. But seriously, I don't feel  like I am living. I want to LIVE!! enjoy my children, laugh when they laugh. It's not their fault that God and the universe and who ever else was involved thought this was a good idea. Sure," here Kathryn have a shitty childhood and teen years then find the love of your life. have two beautiful and joyful children together. Get pregnant with the third beautiful and joyful child and then lose the love of your life while you are 7 and a half months pregnant!!" Yes, sign me up thats the life for me!!!!
    I know, no, I wouldn't change anything. I love my children I love Pete for all that he is/was/.isn't/ wasn't But right now I have had it up to beyond the top of my head with life and this shit that we keep trudging through!! The kids are whining, the kids won't sleep. I could be covered in poop and water from head to toe and have no hands and one or both of the big kids, would come and and ask if I could get something for them.  I am constantly saying. "What are Mommy's hands doing?" Are they free? DO you not see all of these bags or groceries I am carrying along with your baby brother and the kitchen sink.? It's constant it's all the time. The talttleing, the...just on and on.... I know, I know .every other mother in the world has to deal with this shit. But this mother is a widow, and this mother does it all day long. There is no one coming home to bring me flowers. There is no one coming home to tell me I am beautiful when I am covered in Baby shit and cat hair. There is no one coming home to give me that extra set of hands. The kids don't get to come to the door and yell at the top of their lungs "DADDY"S HOME" NO, this Mommy is tired and worn out!!
  I know I have said it before and this blog prob sounds a lot like the other blog that I posted. Only this time I am really, really mad at Pete. I have had it!! I am mad at the world. I am so mad. I am mad at myself. I hate that the kids know the F word. I know what kid doesn't know the F word. But c'mon. In an ideal world Pete would come thru the door and say "ROO, watch your mouth!!" Then in that Ideal world he would come through the door after all this time and I would kick his ass!!! But thats the ideal world!! Right?
  I know, there are many people that have it worse than me. and I know that people may be tired of listening to me whine about my life. And I say Gosh I am sorry. but it has been too many nights of not sleeping., Too many nights, of a crying and teething baby, too many nights., of crying myself to sleep, too many nights of shoving the kids over to make room for me in the bed,  that is of course after I have already been sleeping in a rocking chair for the past few hours trying to get the baby to sleep. Why is Aryanna late to school every day I will give you a few guesses.
  I HATE MY LIFE!!! I hate that I don't have one. I hate that I feel that I am only surviving. I hate that I now have to figure out how to live without the love of my life. I hate that my children have to pay for my temper tantrums because after all, it's not their fault their Daddy up and died is it? Whose to blame? NO One. There is no one to blame. cause If I was thinking clearly I would know  it is what it is,. Do you know what that is. It Sucks is what it is!!!  Do you know that it is almost 11pm and C L just made another poopy diaper and I can't just yell "Hey Roo, come change your son again" NO, I have to do it. I don't want to do it. Do you know how many I have changed today? On a baby that rolls over all the time on the changing table. He is constipated and cranky and teething and has a cold and a runny nose. and I have no one to share that joy with. Pete and I used to play Rock,. Paper, scissors over who was going to change the poopy diaper. Who am I going to play that with? The Cat? The cat smells just as bad as the baby. Also I hate that my neck hurts and feet hurt so insanely bad but guess what I don't have Pete here to rub my back., So I just deal with it.
 I know, like every other mother out there. I deal with it. Thats why there is guilt. I know that I am not the only mother who wishes her husband would do more. The thing is, their husbands at least have a pulse. They may not wish they did. But they still do all the same. So here I am feeling  like a bad parent for yelling the F word because the baby had yet another diaper to change. Petey made a huge mess in the bathroom, and I couldn't find the worlds biggest tube of 'Butt Paste" (Yes, it really is called that) This tube of diaper cream was 9 bucks and I cant find it!! I just used it,. No clue can't find it anywhere.
   Whats the point of all this mad!! Honestly. Is it to finally, Finally realize that he really is dead? It's been 14 months. So it has taken 14 months to figure it out. Lovely. My kids have figured it out. And yet they still have to grieve. that is what makes me so Damn mad. Why Pete? Why do that to them? Why God? Why do that to them. They are just kids, just babies? They are left with a a crazy, crazy Mother. Is this what you had in mind?" You had to die in order for me to find my back bone. To find what I was made of. Seriously? thats what this is about? Well thats just dumb!!! and Messed up!! Dear God, did you make a Mistake?  I feel like it's a sentence for something. Welcome to Hell. Thanks, How do I get out of it? When do the kids and I get to get out for good behavior? Let me guess, when we have gone through our 12 step program of grief. I hate my life, have I mentioned that.
   I love my kids beyond breath!! That must be why they make me so insane. I wish I could put them all in bed with me and put me in the middle and have them all surrounding me. So I could keep my hands on all of them. and we could just ease each others pain. I know Crazy right? Cause earlier, I was mad that I had to move them over so I could make room for myself in my own bed. Honestly I refuse to sleep on his side of the bed. I can't even seem to make myself sit on that side of the bed.
   As cozy as my kids make me, there are nights when I go to bed with so much anxiety, I secretly hope one of the bigger ones will wake up and come into my room and sleep next to me so, that I don't have to be alone. Craziness I know. Its still after 14 damn months. Come over, go home. Wait come back I am lonely. No, now you need to leave because I feel crowded. Don't breathe on me, spit up on me, just don't. But wait I need you near me. Insane. and Mad. What a great combination!!!!!
  What's my lesson? Where's my sign? To stop waiting? To realize this is it? My life is now their life? What about the things that I had wanted? The things that I had dreamed? The things I wanted to accomplish? What about the things that Pete and I were going to do? Where am I supposed to put those dreams?  In a box hidden away. to look at someday when I am 85?  He was supposed to be with me, when I was 85!! Now what?  Survival is over. I know how to survive. What I don't know how to do, is Live. I hate this life. I don't want to live it without him in it. What I want, what I can have are two completely and totally different lives. I am not only mad at Pete I am mad at the life that I had with him and the life that we were going to have together. Damn you!! That life is dead too. Fuck. Now what? Where is the guide book? I want to know? How? Thats what I am mad about it's the How? It's hard! It's been hard, it's still so hard. I am mad that it is still so freaking hard. Damnit. I don't want to yell anymore. I don't want to just get up and do the same day over and over and over again. My therapist said it best, its like being on a constant treadmill. You wake up do it all day long, sometimes all night long.  Get up and do it again. The scenery never changes. Its' still hard, it's still long. and Pete is still not here. Now what? Where is my white flag?
   So, I have no Pete. I have no old life. I have 3 beautiful children. I have my family and my friends. I have my house. Two obnoxious cats. I have the love of Pete and for Pete in my heart. He is in the kids hearts. He is in their smile. His spirit is here in this house. However, Still mad. It's now knowing the new challenge. Not only did we have to deal with Pete's passing and the survival mode. It's the knowing that we still have to figure out the Living mode. In some ways I say Damn this Crazy Ride. And at the same time I say Bless this Crazy, Angry. furious, truth telling, character building,Faith infused, Love binding, road to recovery, ride. The light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing a glimpse and hoping, praying, begging that we will make it to the other side.  
      Having Faith in each other.  Having Faith in the foundation that Pete and I set. Knowing now that he is physically not here to help me carry it out. But knowing and hoping that I can stand tall and the kids and I will stand together and live. Really live.


  1. Beautiful Kathryn while reading this post I found myself holding my breath as I tried to feel myself in your situation. Trying to 'feel' your pain was a difficult thing. I was asking myself if you were getting the help and support, so essential to working within the boundaries and overcoming your own pain.
    As I neared the end I 'felt' a little ray of sunshine and felt that you 'lived' in HOPE.
    God bless you darling.

  2. Love being a part of your crazy world and only wish there was some way that I could do you and know that God is with you...and He can take your MAD!

  3. It gets better. Thats the only thing I can say. It gets better. Get angry. Get it out. Vent. Blow it off. Then move on.
    Im getting ready to hit year number four of being a widow. It was pure hell those first couple years. Its still not easy. But its certainly much better.