Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Some Crazy thoughts induced by the thought of Birthday Cake..

I was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking Chase Leo. When the anxiety started creeping in. Not that it doesn't always follow me around but this was a different type of creeping in. Tomorrow is Chase Leo's first Birthday. I can't stop thinking about that day last year.
   I started having contractions and thought really nothing of it. I even drove Aryanna to school. I remember I had to pull over on the side of the road after dropping her off and thinking " You know, this really hurts!" Luckily Aryanna's school is only like 3 miles from my house. I got home and started to keep track of how far a apart they were. I called my sister who said I should call the nurse. While on the phone with her. I had to keep stopping and waiting for the contraction to subside. The nurse said  "Well I think you need to come in, do you have any one to drive you here to the hospital?" So Luckily my Aunt was coming over to be with Petey and I that day. I was never left by myself for very long. I usually had someone with me at least once a day if not all day. My Aunt came in my sister came over. My Aunt said "I think you are going to have that baby today." and I said " No, ya know, I think it's nothing." My sister and Aunt were running around my house trying to get a bag packed. Because of course I hadn't packed yet. That would be so unlike me to do things in a timely manner ( lol) Finally ready, off my sister and I went to the hospital.
   It's going to get confusing between sisters so I am going to call them Sister B and Sister J. Sister B is driving me to the hospital and calls Sister J on the phone who was in a meeting. J says to B "need to call you back" B say's " Um no, I am in the car with Kathryn and she is in Labor!" So J hangs up and comes rushing right over. Get to hospital and get everything hooked up. Dr. and a nurse come in and say " Ok lets have this baby at 12:30pm ( I was technically scheduled to come in the nest day the 13th to have him.)  I started to cry. I held B and J 's hand and said " I can't do this without him, I don't want to do this without him" They were crying, I was crying, the nurses were crying. The problem? Chase Leo was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. The C-section was scheduled. So away we went. Sister B and Sister J were my coaching team. I made sure both were in the delivery room with me.
  I got prepped and walked back to the OR. Got my spinal block and laid down. Where I proceeded to freak out. B and J came in soon after that. B and J said " We are right here, it's OK" Dr. called incision at 13:13 and I yelled from behind my curtain " I don't want to know anything, don't tell me anything" at 13:14 Chase Leo was out. I will never forget. I closed my eyes after the nurse had called out the start time. and I felt and saw this beautiful Golden light, and a huge release. as they lifted him out. I never felt that with the other two. I mean like a weight had been lifted ( granted it was an 8 pound 2.4 ounce weight) I felt so light and the golden light was so bright. Like looking into the sun.  As soon as the baby was out I yelled" I feel sick can I have something for the anxiety?" They gave it to me right away. Sister J held my hand and I kept saying "don't leave, please don't let go." Sister B was getting footage of all the wiping down of Chase Leo the things that I couldn't see since they were putting all my insides back in. I thank Sisters B and J for being my strength in holding me up, and sometimes carrying me. They were my comic relief, and my back bone when I didn't have one and couldn't stand upright. My anchor, and in giving a me a little push in the right direction and holding my hand the whole way.There will never be enough thank you's in the world to let them know.
  I looked at his sweet face and breathed in his scent and I cried. He was beautiful, and healthy and chubby. He had made it. and I had made it I did it. With out Pete. I know his spirit was there. But so many emotions so happy and so scared, and so lonely and so wanting Pete, knowing that I couldn't have him. I got to hold chase Leo all the way back to my room. and I held him so tight. My last little bit of Pete.  I got back to my room and all my family was there. after a few hours My Aunt brought the kids over to see Chase Leo and that was weird for me and for them. Petey just wanted to eat Jell-O and Aryanna wanted to hold him. The moment she held him. I was instantly reminded of how she held Petey for the first time. How Pete had helped her hold his head. I could remember even what she was wearing, and I could see Pete's face and the pride and the joy that he felt. I saw it in his face, and the way he held his body. He was still in his blue scrubs.
   I looked at Chase Leo's beautiful baby face tonight. And thought "Oh, I wish your Daddy could see you. I wish he could hold your little hand in his." These thought that I have had all day. Watching Chase Leo walk around the house and thinking things like "If Chase Leo saw a picture of Pete would he recognize him?" Or "Chase Leo never got to have a big bear hug from his daddy, to run his chubby fingers through Pete's goatee. To bury his face in his daddy's neck. The things that he will never know. It breaks my heart. And I miss Pete so much that I feel like I am slowly being torn in half.  I had planned to bake Chase Leo's birthday cake tonight but I don't know if I can do it. Not because I am too tired, but I don't want the smell of cake in my house.  That was what Pete did. He made cakes. All kind of cakes ( "Ace of Cakes. Cakes") The smell of cake baking in the house feels like just too much. Pete should be here. Making him his First birthday cake.  What would he have made him? Maybe a racecar. I'm afraid that the smell of cake baking will be too hard on Aryanna and Petey. Too many memories. The thought that maybe if we make a cake Pete will come back through that door again.  And he could take the pictures, and the video of Chase Leo making ahuge mess of cake and icing. All of these thoughts that are consuming me. I sit here just weeping for him. For the kids for Chase Leo. So anxious, so heart-broken. If the kids weren't asleep I would just scream out "why did you leave me here.  I need you, the kids need you"  I knew C L's Birthday would be hard. I just didn't imagine that it would feel like this. I still don't want to make the cake. But I want Chase Leo to get to have his very own little cake like Petey and Aryanna did.
   I want to make it for him. something special that his Daddy so loved to do. I want to give him something of his daddy's. I know it's just flour and eggs along with way too much sugar. Yet, I can't wait to see the delight in his eyes when he puts his hand in it and tastes his "baby" cake.  Not a store bought baby cake but one that I made with love and lots and lots of tears.  Chase Leo is getting so big. He is walking. I never, never, thought that Pete wouldn't be here to see it all.  Can I force myself to make his cake without Throwing up? I really really hope so. I guess it's a good thing there is a sink in the kitchen.  I can't stop time. I can't give him his Daddy. I so want to.. I feel these words are empty to the pain I feel right now in this moment. As if everything, all 14 months,are just slamming into me right now. Its all real. So very, very real.  Who knew a cake could trigger something so earth shattering,breath taking,and heart breaking. It's just a cake, but it's a cake for a beautiful and smiley baby boy who never physically met his Daddy.  So , I am going to march into the kitchen and make him the best birthday cake that I can. Possibly a cake that Pete would be proud of. I love you Roo,Roo.  Thank you for Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo. Happy Birthday Baby boy!!

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