On a venting Rampage. So tired of it all. So damn tired. Iand I alsways say that I am frustrated and fed up. But this goes beyond frustrated and fed up! This is just stupid. so here we go. pick up Aryanna from school who is on a compete high because it was pajama day. She gets in the car and won't put her buckles on. I get out of the car, sliding on the driveway. Get in buckle her up and off we go to look at a couch ( mine is falling apart) Why, why, would you take 3 kids to go shopping? But I was meeting my sister so it would be a little better. Ran to McDonald's knowing that the kids would be hungry. Even though Petey had a snack but A did not have lunch at school today. So thankful to have a gift card to McD''s. Off we go. Put our order in and then drive away realizing it's all wrong. Went to another McDonald's that is closer to where I am meeting my sister to pick up all the things they forgot. Now to meet my sister.. She comes out to the car, I run into the store and look at the two that she has picked out. Put one on hold and away we go to another store. Go in store. This place is way bigger. Tell kids all about what good behavior they need to have while in the store. Meanwhile it goes in one ear and out the other. My sister and I are sitting on couches and the big kids are jumping off chairs and love seats. Lovely. finally it's between two. Take a picture of the couch I like best get lady's name and leave the store. Get everyone in the car. It's snowing by the way. Now homeward bound. Here is where the fun begins. I drive all the way home only to realize that I forgot to go to the bank.Turn around and go back out to the bank.
Park in front spot run into building grab a deposit slip and back outside to the car. Fill out the form and then get in drive through line. There are only two lines open and they are full. I could leave but I must get the check in the bank TODAY. so Look in the back seat A and P are asleep and Chase Leo is crying! Lovely!! after about 5 minutes of waiting, he settles down and falls asleep. Ahhh peace at last. All three kids asleep. Eventually it is my turn I give the teller my check and info. Wait some more, then done and back home we go again. Now the joy of waking up three kids, to get them out of the car. Petey is crying cause he wants his binky even though it is in his hand. And Aryanna wants me to carry her. I can't pick her up and get out of the car and get the baby out of the car as well. Alas, everyone in the house. Now Petey and Aryanna are cranky and I am worn out. The kitchen is a mess and I happen to step on some sort of toy that goes crunch. Petey and Aryanna are fighting about who is going to sit where on the couch. I go into Aryanna's room and Chase Leo comes in. Walking of course. What looks to be a fruit snack in his hand I go to inspect what it really is... Ready? It's a piece of Cat poop!!!!! Damnit! I yell at the cats yell at the kids wash the baby's hands. Decide Baby still smells like a litter box. Take all Chase Leo's clothes off and put him in the tub to sanitize him from head to toe.
Meanwhile Petey is mad because I won't let him get into the tub with Chase Leo. Why? because this causes more water. More of a mess and Petey is never careful in the tub with C L. SO he is crying in his room. After a quick wash and rinse I get him out of the tub and to my room to get lotioned and clothed. Aryanna comes in and asks for some Toast, I tell her she has to wait since I am lotioning chase Leo. So she waits. After Chase Leo is diapered she asks again. I tell her no and ask her "what are Mommy's hands doing right now" So C L is finally dressed and she asks again. Grrrr. "Yes here Aryanna, is your Damn toast." Off she goes to the couch. Now the whole house smells like Cat shit to me. So I put chase Leo in the jump-a roo. And go yelling and screaming through the house about the cat shit. That I hate the cats and that they have 48 hours to find a new home. I go to clean out the litter boxes but can't find the liners. Or the pads. So I do find them out in Jenga. Hold my breath empty them out. Clean the littler boxes cussing the whole way. Now I feel dirty.
Put Chase Leo into another bouncy chair and I get in the shower. Where he continues to cry the whole time. Once out of the shower where I feel clean and sterile I post on Facebook that the cats don't have any time left. I mean seriously I have like 400 and some friends I have posted notes and letters and emailed and asked around and told people that it's too stressful on them it's too stressful on me they need to go. I have asked friends of friends to post these letters and emails on their walls. How could no one in the whole nearby states not want two cats!!! They are cats for God's sake. It's not like I can just throw them outside. it's 22 degrees outside. They have no winter coat, it's in humane. I know If your Child were carrying around Cat poop I am sure some of you might just say who gives a shit about humane. However because I so emotional and such a crazy I can't do it. Besides that I kinda don't want them to go in the first place. So many memories with them. It's like honestly NOTHING gets to stay the same. Seriously? But they are after all having bad bad behavior and they can't deal with all the stress and Pete's death. Well guess what? Neither can I.
After the cat incident I want to of course, wash all my clothes but lo and behold I can't, because my washing machine still isn't working. Lovely. Called the people today and they said that parts were on order they would call when they were in. Thats helpful. I have had to wash at so many friends and families places I am about to lose it. I know what you are thinking, that it's too late I have already lost it. Now the anxiety of ranting and raving is kicking in. I sit on the chair and cry. Cry about the cats, Cry about the washing machine, and cry about Pete. I text a friend to see if I could use her machine. However I know that it is not easy for other people when we all come over to do laundry. It's not like I can just drop by. We all have to come in. My kids can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Therefore, I usually leave feeling that I have worn out my welcome due to all of the things that Chase Leo can get into and all of the snacks and food that the other two want to eat. Along with the whining and such that goes along with being a kid and being trapped in someone else's space. Even though I know that the kids love being other places it's just the toll it takes on everyone else in the process. Fun! I try to do my wash at other peoples house when no one is home so we won't bother them.
Called my sister " I have got to get out of my Cat shit smelling house and I need to wash some clothes can I use your washing machine while you are gone." Sure" she says come on over. So get everything together all the soap and the clothes. Just the important ones so that I have something to cover up in and Chase Leo has Pj's and Big kids have underwear.. By this point it is now dark outside and is starting to snow again. I have a tall wired laundry basket that has clothes and a bottle of soap in it. I am walking around the car to the passenger side when what happens? I slip and fall! I go all the way down on the ice on my drive way. My hip and hand hit first with the laundry basket on top of me. My fingernail on my right hand gets caught between one of the wire rungs and bends my finger nail back. I yell ouch. And then goddamnit. Pick myself up off the ground, put laundry basket in car and head back inside to get the other one. Let me tell you. I am currently sitting on a soft couch, my butt hurts just sitting here on the couch and my finger still hurts. So get the other basket loaded into the car. Now the kids. Petey won't put his coat on and he can't find his socks. He finds his sock now I am on the floor putting on his shoes and he won't put his coat on by himself. Since I just want to get the hell out or here. I throw on his coat yelling a cussing at the same time. Now everyone out to the car get everyone buckled and off we go to my sisters house who luckily does not live very far away.
Now it is dark in the car and I start to cry again. About how much I hate this. I hate this life. When is enough, Enough. Aryanna is asking for the 800th time for me to turn up the movie. Where I yell "I have already turned up the damn movie maybe you should open your ears!!!" Great Parenting skills I know!! Cry all the way to my sisters house and then try to hold it together. Another thing, I am tired of showing up at different family events just to have a compete meltdown about yet something else. I feel like I just need to pull it together. This is the hand I have been dealt, therefore I should just make the best of it. Like eat shit and smile. I wanted not to fall a part at her house. That feeling of OK this has been going on long enough. Aren't you tired of watching me cry. I know I am tired of crying over nothing and everything. I told my sister about Chase Leo and the Cat Poop thing and she found a no kill shelter but it is like 45 min from here. the one that is here in town is full. Wonderful! But she helped me while I cried my way through the laundry to put it in the washing machine. She left and went to dinner the kids and I stayed behind. The kids did pretty good at her house.
I wanted to be gone by the time she got home but no such luck. Got the clothes out put the wet ones in a bag because "hey my dryer works great". Told everyone it was time to get in the car. My sister and I had to hold Petey down to get his stupid coat on. I get the nice clean folded laundry into the car and the wet laundry. Leave some towels with her to wash and now home we go. When we pulled into the driveway I notice that the driveway wasn't covered in as much ice. I got out of the car to see that there was salt on it. I think the neighbor that saw me fall put some salt down for us. THANK YOU!!! Now to get everyone out of the car including a sleeping Chase Leo. Then get the laundry out and everyone into the house. There is arguing over where to put shoes and me yelling again that they need to listen. Petey is crying/whining cause he can't get his pacifier out of his coat pocket. when I tell him that no, it is not in his pocket. He cries and demands that I get it for him now. So I pick him up and throw him in his room. And say that he can't talk to me that way anymore. I am tired of him not using nice manners, no please or thank you. But hey can you imagine why they don't? I'ts because I am too busy yelling at them in not nice words either.
Now it seems that when I get upset about stuff Aryanna starts telling me how much she loves me over and over and over again. And I always say "yes bug, Mommy loves you too." However she chooses these moments when my head is going to blow off. to say "Mommy I love you." Or when Petey gets into trouble "Mommy, I love you all the way to China." I should be really happy that she loves me. But it grates on me and I feel like I am going to yell even louder. I asked her today. While I was mad about the cats. Why does she tell me over and over again. I said "not that I am not grateful, and love that you tell me that. I just wondered why you tell me so many times in a row. She didn't really say anything. Then I told her that I was just mad at the cats because I can't seem to find a new home for them and they have bad behavior. That it makes mommy really mad. I told her I was not mad at her. Just mad at them. Unfortunately everyone around me has to pay for my bad behavior.
Here I am again with the "enough is enough". I feel like a raging, yelling, overly tired, worn out, burned out, stupid, grieving, crazy brat. Done and so over it. I can't take a break, I can't take a vacation. It feels like it wouldn't be worth it. At what cost? The kids mad at me cause i went away for a weekend. The trying to get back to normal daily life. Would I come back refreshed? Or just more insane.
Its the constant picking up and falling over toys and trying to stay on top of it all. I pick up stuff and Chase Leo pulls it out. The kids fight and argue over the dumbest things. The cats are barfing on the floor. Chase Leo is getting into their water bowls and cat food. Picking him up and moving him to a new location. Petey and Aryanna are so loud. Aryanna is moody even at 5. Yet I sit here and think can you blame them? look who is raising them. I try so Fucking hard and feel at times I get nowhere. I know, I know, that it what a lot of stay at home moms say. But are they yelling at their kids? are they waiting for their husbands to come home that never do? Worn out, physically and mentally tired, over stressed, over stretched and just plain over it!!
Petey argued about getting his "day" clothes off and putting on his "night" clothes. Aryanna listened and started to brush her teeth when at the last minute I realized I forgot to give her medicine that I put into juice. Which she thinks is so funny when mommy forgets something. On the inside I don't think it's so damn funny. It's just one more thing that I forgot. There fore it's another thing that I have to do again. I love doing things twice. Itchy juice done, brush teeth again. Petey hands me his tooth brush and I help him brush. But he acts like he has never brushed his teeth before. Grr. I am not only trying to brush Petey's teeth I am also holding Chase Leo on my hip who is way tiered. Finally, get the big kids into Aryanna's room to get in bed. Aryanna swears that Petey has her pillow. So there is more yelling. I move the pillows around. Then Petey and Aryanna are being squirely, I can't seem to find the night light and they were supposed to be in bed almost 45 minutes ago. Lights out Prayers said. Kids want me to sing to them but honestly I just don't have it in me. Here we are the best part of the whole day. Kisses and hugs. Love it!! They want to kiss and hug Chase Leo it's very sweet. I give them hugs and kisses we pray for a home for the kitties and I pray outloud to "help Mommy be nicer"
The I love yous and the reminder to come find me if they need me in the night.
Now to get Chase Leo to bed. Feed him some fruit and get him a bottle. Go and sit in his room. with the night light on, along with the humiderfier and sit in the rocking chair he drinks about half and starts to wriggle. wants to get down. It's 10:15 and he wants to play. I don't want to play I want him to go to bed so I can write. Finally I put him down and say Fine Chase Leo. Out we go to the family room and I turn the computer on pull up my page and start to write. If he wants to be awake then he can just be awake while I write. eventually he starts to lie his head on the floor. So in his room we go again. We are sitting there in the rocking chair and I am singing to him. he has his blanket and his paci all should be well. When he starts to pull my glasses off. and play with my face, my hair, my necklace. I think to myself I should be cherishing these moments he is going to be one next week and is changing so much. Why can't I just enjoy it? I know why, because I have had a crazy day. I am tired I want some time to myself. just go to sleep. I do some Reiki on him and he starts to settle down and drift off to sleep. give him kisses. and back out to write. Cats are milling around and constantly under my feet wanting to be fed. feed cats grab the chocolate sit down to write and not 3 minutes go by do I hear the cat starting to throw up in the kitchen. Really?!!
So there you have it my day. I am tired, sore, worn beyond worn, and I don't want to go to bed. Yes, I want this day to end. However it feel like When I wake up in the morning the crazy starts all over again. The anxiety, the boredom, the cranky, the whining, the needing, the wanting, the mess, the toys, the cleaning, on and on it goes all the time. Tonight I don't know what to say about being positive and seeing the whole picture. Tonight I just feel over done. I don't know what there is to look forward too. I don't have any plans for tomorrow. I know that it is Saturday. A day that 2 years ago would have been a "family" day. Pete would be home from work, we would all be together. I want it back, but it's not coming back. So, I can hope for a better nights sleep, for no anxiety in the morning, and for a better "Nicer Mommy" day. A day where I am not yelling, And a day where I get an email or phone call that says' " hey I found that loving home you wanted for your cats, they are coming to get them tomorrow." I will be sad, but happy that they will have a better happier environment. An environment like they used to have. On the bright side. My kids are healthy, clothed, fed, and know how to laugh a lot. Maybe, just maybe, I might be doing something right after all.