Thursday, December 9, 2010

One Cray widow's perspective of time and waiting!!

I would say that lately there has been lots to write about. Just feeling too tired to write about it! It gets to be that time of the night when the house is quiet and all the kids are sleeping in their beds. Its just me and my insane and not so respectful cats. They really need a new home!! But that's another crazy story. I sit down on the couch with my dark chocolate in hand and think to myself " I really need to write about that." But lately it seems, that I just feel  I am even too tired to put it into words. Is it the Holiday's or just being over tired and worn out? Maybe both.
  I went to group this evening and it was one of those times where, I left feeling like I wanted to run out of there yelling and screaming. I feel that I have been having these moments of "is this really my life?" I am not just watching some one else go through this? It's really happening. I sit in group and listen to others talk about how they and their kids are just pushing through. The struggles of parenting children at a wide variety of ages. However when it got to be my turn. I talked mostly about the big "anniversary" and how we survived that. But I felt as I looked around the room That I had finally become one of them. I had hit the one year mark and the rest of them in my group understood and remembered that one year feeling. It was however one of the facilitators that I felt didn't' want to be there this evening. She kept looking at her watch and then looking at me. I felt like saying "am I keeping you from something?"   As if I was taking too much time.  I realize their are a lot of people here this evening, but why the watch. Maybe it was just the kind of mood that I was in. The beginning of Group didn't start out very well.
  Petey spilled juice all over himself while we were there and he was crying and mad that he was wet and that I didn't bring any extra pants for him. So there I sat with all these people looking at me. I mean yes, it was different than say if it would have happened at a school function. Because everyone here at group knows what it's like to have your  kid  completely freak out. But then he didn't want to leave my side. He had been talking about going to group for weeks. Even talking to strangers about coming. And here we were and he didn't want to go. Finally I got him to go into one of the rooms to color. And I waited outside for him so he could see me. He eventually got immersed into what he was doing and was OK with me going. But it was this odd sort of helpless feeling. I kept asking "what am I supposed to do?" Wait. Just wait!
  I feel thats what it's about isn't it. Waiting?  Lets hurry up and wait. Wait for what? To get over the heartache? To get over the loss? the sorrow? The utter and complete loneliness? The memories, the scared, the helplessness? What? What am I waiting for?  To feel normal again? Doubtful. I am not normal. I never have been. I don't do things in the normal way. But Why does it have to be about waiting? Is that how one gets through another holiday? Another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, by waiting? Is that the same as when people say "Well, with time it will get easier.  Thats what people say when they don't know what to say. and really I wish they wouldn't say anything. So, time and waiting!! Wonderful Two of my least favorite things.
   I hate to wait. I would say I am not a very patient person. Especially when it comes to something I want. Like I couldn't get too excited about having a baby until after the baby was here. Because if I get myself so excited about something, I am like a child it seems impossible for me to "wait." And when it comes to time. People who know me well know that I am never on time. Always late no matter what it is. You can bet, I will be late. Plus I recently realized that I can't look to far ahead in the future because it causes too much panic. Like The thought of Christmas Morning with my 3 kids makes me want to jump out a window. Thats' too much time into the future. So here I sit waiting to get a clue about what they hell I am waiting on.  Do people know what they are talking about when they say it really does get better with time? Maybe. The reason I say maybe is because yes, this holiday season has gone better than last year. Well, from the bits and pieces that I can remember. In some ways I feel that I am too busy to wait for things to get better. I feel that If I want them to change then it's up to me to do it. I can't sit around on the couch and wait for my life to fall into place. Time is flying by. Chase Leo will be 12 months in January! A whole year has passed since he was born. A whole year! And yet it feels as though time and waiting is standing still.  I don't want to wait for Aryanna to remember a time when Mommy was not all with it. I don't want Aryanna to say as an adult that her Mommy waited for life to begin. I want her to say My mommy took this tragic thing that happened to us and grabbed it by the horns and looked it int the face. Because whats the point in waiting for that bull to trample me to the ground? It still hurts. If I waited for that bull, I might still be bleeding. Instead of taking off the band-aide and letting the wounds heal.
  So what is it about time and waiting? I guess maybe I really do need them. To wait and be still. To hear God's voice guiding me along. Time to heal. Letting the wounds breath and scab over, to then scar. It's that scar that shows me and reminds me where I have been. That I waited for the bleeding to stop, with care and lots and lots of tears and time it healed. My heart, My soul. My children. We wait, sometimes not very patiently. But with time, our hope is that the waiting will have been worth it!


  1. I too hope Kathryn that the wait will be worth it. The difficulty being that we have no way of knowing just what we are waiting for.
    I get the sense that you are learning to 'live in the moment' which is good.
    These are difficult, sometimes dark, days. I would be concerned about the facilitator. I wonder?
    Always in my thoughts

  2. Kathryn as you are constantly in my thoughts I am leaving the link to Beliefnet in the hope there may be something useful for you there sweetie.

  3. I have said before that WAIT is a four letter word for some of us, but over the years have come to realize that more often than not God is protecting me from something or preparing me for something. I truly believe that is the case for you. You sell yourself short sometimes, my friend, for you don't wait when it is time to love, hug, appreciate, give, bless. You DO IT! What a gift you are to your friends and family. Love you...God's with you (thankfully we don't have to wait for that!)