Too much crazy for one time. I mean really, even for me. I feel like saying OK universe thanks but no more. Thats it. I am done with it being so Damn hard. I miss Pete. I know shocker! Christmas was so insanely hard that I wanted to curl up in a ball and just lie there and cry. I would have to say it was the first time that I really really wanted to do that. That I could feel my knee's buckling right out from under me. Aryanna and Petey were right there and I thought "you know if I go down I don't care. I don't want to get back up again.
" Christmas Eve (also would have been Pete's 39th Birthday) was not too bad. The day was fun. The kids and I along with my sister and her two kids went to the State museum. Where we saw Santa, and rode the train. Then we tried to make it to a family service that started at 3pm, we got there at 3:55pm. Needless to say we missed it. Then to my Dad's house for dinner and gifts. It was at the Christmas Eve gift exchange that I lost it. My dad had given my recently new brother in law a "leather-man". It was this gift that I had to take Chase Leo and leave the room. I went and hid, and stared out the window and cried a lot! Because this was the gift that my Dad gave to PeteThe first Christmas that we were married. It was another reminder that Shit, he really, really isn't here with me. Seriously, I know my dad had no idea that this would be hard for me to watch or be a part of. Knowing him he probably doesn't remember.
Once dinner was over, the kids and I headed back home. But by then it was 9pm and I was really tired. I wanted to get the kids in bed. And then realized that we forgot to finish icing the Santa cookies and I forgot to make reindeer food. So I told them I would do it but that we needed to make sure that we got to bed so that Santa could come. They were finally asleep by like 11pm. However it was Chase Leo that was the one that took forever to go to sleep
Finally, finally they all were in bed and I called my brother to come over and Be Santa's helper. He helped put the toys together that needed assembly and to put the gifts out under the tree. To help me make sure everything was just so. He was filling in for Pete. He did a wonderful job. He not only ate the cookies but he also wrote the "Santa" note as well. It was Christmas Morning and everything was great. Except for Aryanna. She didn't want to open her gifts she just wanted to sit and watch Petey tear through everything. She was cranky and I think in her mind she had hoped for her Daddy wrapped up under the tree. Maybe not. I do know by looking in her eyes that she missed him not being there. I know that is what I wanted most for Christmas. I wanted Pete with a Bright red bow and a tag that said I'm here now.
Eventually she warmed up to Christmas and opened her toys and clothes and wanted to play. It was when we started to get ready to go to my Aunt's house for lunch when things really started to shift for me. I went into the laundry room and what should I see but water on the floor. My washer was leaking. Not only was it leaking but it got underneath my new hardwood floor. So that in certain area's where I walked you could see water coming up through the seems in the boards. Lovely. Clean up the water. call a friend to figure out what to do. Put a fan on it and then started to cry. Lots and lots of crying. Chase Leo slept terrible on Christmas eve. I was awake a lot with him. So I am now not only over tired. But I had just finished Christmas morning with A, P, and C L. The kids were on a sugar high, Chase Leo wanted to be held all morning and I missed Pete so bad I could barely stand it. Then the washing machine leaked all over the floor. I had, had it!!! NO more!
It was in this moment that I felt that knee buckling feeling. I was standing in the kitchen looking out into my backyard at all the snow and I could feel myself loosing my grip on reality. Like a moment of Serioulsy? We are still dealing with this. The moment of complete and utter realization that he was really and so very clearly not just on some business trip somewhere. Not in a hospital. But that he was in fact dead. And here I was. Looking around my house. At my children. And I wanted to just lie on that kitchen floor and take a nap.
How envious I am of my children. They still have me. Someone to hold them and comfort them when they cry. Petey still has his pacifier ( I know, he should have let it go by now) He has his blanket. Aryanna has her pillow and her bear. To hold onto that makes her feel better. I want that. No, what I want is Pete. To hold me while I cry and comfort me. Yes, I have family but it's not the same. I want Pete. To bury my face in his chest and breath in the scent of him. To feel his sturdy body embrace me in a big bear hug and hold me while I cry. but I can't have that. And it is so hard to face. To swallow to come to terms with. I need him. I need him to help me raise these wonderful and beautiful children. I want him here with Me. No more being by myself, No more being alone. This is not how it was supposed to be. I don't want to grieve any more, I don't want to be crushed by my own sadness. Enough!
I am tired, worn out. over done, and fried. It's 11:56pm and Chase Leo is awake again. It never stops. He is teething or has an ear infection. But he isn't sleeping well. Which means I don't sleep well. Which causes my grief to be worse and the anxiety to be worse. And even my somewhat rational thinking. But then I haven't really slept in 13 months. Recently if I sleep I have crazy dreams that seem to impossible to figure out. There seems to be no amount of coffee or soda that can help with being so tired. It doesn't help that all I want to eat is Chocolate. I have started gauging things by how badly do I want to take 3 kids to go and run errands.
The holidays are just so damn hard. I feel that if I see one more happy family I am going to shoot something. I have some to be one of "those " people that can't stand to look at married people. I loved being married. It's like I have a hard time hearing about why other people get divorced. Its not the same as your spouse being dead. You could still call up your spouse on the phone if you really wanted to or had to. I want to shout at people who just can't get along with one another " Well things could be worse your spouse could be dead." I don't mean to sound like other people's lives are not hard I just think that some things are worth fighting for. I suppose that you can't help it if the other person doesn't want to fight for it. Like everything else it is, what it is.
I am ready to put 2010 behind me. To get on with it. I am hoping for a little more fun in 2011. I know I just need to jump back on the recovery wagon. However that wagon I feel for now, has left me on the side of the road. I am just following it on foot. I know that I will catch up to it again. Thats how this stupid thing called grief goes. But for now I feel his loss all over again. I miss him, to the point that I have no words. Once upon a time I did have happily ever after., I had my prince. He wasn't perfect. But I didn't want him to be. Where is the fun in that. I even miss arguing with him. However the question remains Where is Happily ever after? when and do I get to have it again.? Did it die with him? It feels like he took it with him when he left. I don't know. I hope and pray that someday I can have it again. And this man will love me and the kids and understand that part of me will always belong to Pete.