Thursday, August 12, 2010

Roller-coasters are Crazy

This grief and anxiety are like a rollercoaster. You're riding along and then all the sudden a complete drop off. Then you make it back up to the top feeling a little out of breath but glad to be back to riding along again just enjoying the scenery  then a big curve comes and your going upside down. I have to say that honestly I have physically never been on a rollercoaster.! Yes, Really! I just have had no interest in doing so. But Now that I have been on a grief rollercoaster, I definitely have no desire to physically go on one. Thanks, I will stay on the ground.
  Aryanna and I had Brooke's place tonight.  It's really great for Aryanna, She loves it which I am so thankful for.  Petey starts in September. However, most nights I usually dread going. Sometimes it feels like when going there, it really puts my process in my face. Like" Yo your life is really upside down". I feel that when it is day to day stuff and constantly staying at home in my little bubble I can just keep moving at the pace I am going. But there it's like you really have to talk about it. There is no hide behind the bushes. It puts it all out into the open. I'ts kind of like picking at a scab. You know at first it's a gusher. Then it heals a little and it breaks open and a little bit of blood seeps out and then it heals again. Just the over and over again. I mean Yes, it is much better than it used to be. Like at first every time I went to Brooke's place it was a gusher.  It seems like the more we go i get used to the scab being broken open, but it doesn't hurt as bad. Surprisingly I really wanted to go tonight. I had wanted some tips to help with Aryanna and Petey. They have been asking lots of questions about Daddy. So I thought why not ask the experts on how did they or do you handle it. But when it got to be my turn to say how we all were " really" doing. I couldn't remember what I wanted to say. So I just rambled on about how We were and that A and P have been asking questions, and that my anxiety was up and such. But I didn't really ask anyone anything. Like I left my questions and brain at home. In some ways I wanted to say " well if you read my blog you would know how I am doing" because really, it's hard to go through it all again. We go to Brooke's place every 2 weeks. But surprisingly a lot happens in two weeks. And maybe it doesn't but with me and Aryanna and Petey and Case Leo it really feels like it does.
  To night it feels even more like a rollercoaster than ever, because these last few days my anxiety has been high. like it seems hard to shake. Sure I can take something for it but that doesn't last very long and then its back. I want to just stay busy all the time. But thats hard too. You can't have a play date everyday. It makes Aryanna and Petey cranky. Then it's like they have no real routine. It's just that, never having a break in the day. That I think makes it so hard. Like when Pete was alive I always had that time when he got home to just be like " ah someone else to take over" Pete didn't exactly take over. I still had to make dinner and such and do baths and just keep on moving. I guess it was more like someone to share the load. But now, on days that I don't have anyone over it's like the day will never end. I now understand how my Grandmother felt after my Grandpa passed away. You get lots and lots of help at the beginning and then eventually it all stops. And you don't get many visitors anymore or calls on the phone. However I am blessed because I had my sister and brother home from college this summer. So they each took at day to come over and help. So that I could clean the house, run errands or go to Dr appointments. But now school is starting again. And I will miss them. And Aryanna and Petey will miss them. Maybe the reason for all the Anxiety is the "back to School Blues" You know, you can get the "summertime blues" It's just another change, that is going on. Another transition to take on.
  Right now as I sit on this here couch I feel that crazy building up inside me. Just feeling like I am going to spill out crazy everywhere. Like, Why does it all have to change? Why? Just when we finally get the hang of something it's time to move to something else. Yes, I understand that change is good. But sometimes I am like "Wait, stop, slow down" I get the feeling that I am not alone. Many parents/mom's that have kids going back to school have these back to school blues. On one hand it will be nice to have Aryanna at school especially with her, she needs a lot of interaction, a lot of stimulation to keep her out of trouble. But it's not so much school as just everything. It feels hard to say what I mean right now. Other than just to say Anxiety provoking.
   Again rollercoaster. I am up, I am down. I am crazy. I want people all around me, And in the next breath no I don't want anyone Just A,P, and CL. But then I don't want to be alone. But I want some time by myself. Then I just want to be at home with my sisters and friends. Then I think "gosh I would really love to just go somewhere and get away". Then that provokes anxiety because I will be away. Can you see? Up, down, upside down, backwards, forwards. Craziness. Why is everything a question. I want to be here but I just got her and now I want to go home. Sure, makes perfect sense.
    But if I do what I have been doing looking at the whole picture I can see that no matter which way we go up, down or sideways, we are moving forward. It may be a zig zag and all twisty and twirly but, we are moving forward. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I are doing it. It's been 8 and a half months we are still here and healthy. We do laugh, we do cry, and most of all we are surrounded in love. Lots of it!!  Rollercoasters or just standing on the ground, we will make it!

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