Within the last couple of days I feel that I have jumped off the recovery train Like I have just been moving along and going "OK we can do this, we have been doing this and here we go". The only way to move forward is to keep going right? just one foot in front of the other and keep your head up. However I think that I have hit that stage of grief where many call it the "angry stage"
Me being me, thought to myself "I won't get to the angry stage". I am not mad at him. I am not mad at God. His body wore out and there was nothing more he could do. His spirit was strong and he fought a hard fight but.. well you know where I am going, so why say it. The thing is that now lately I feel really really pissed off. There I said it. And the whole room didn't cave in on me in the process. The trouble with being angry is that it's like horribly Angry, and then it's guilt, and then its complete sadness. I am feeling all of those all at the same time along with feeling them all constantly. My anxiety alone is about to choke me. I feel like there is this ring around my neck that just keeps squeezing me and it squeezes my stomach too. This horrible angry pain that someone has just kicked you as hard as they could in the chest and then told you to get up and just suck it up!
Today I was so mad at Pete I wanted to take the clothes that I have still held onto and just rip them out of the closet and throw them all over the yard. As if to say "there I showed you". But it's not like he would be driving around the bend in his truck coming home from work to look at me and say "What the hell?" Of course after having this thought of taking all his clothes out in the front yard. and I was going to do it too. The panic set in. Because "Oh no, his clothes would be in the yard. Out of my comfort zone. Then I would have the chore to pick up this ridiculous clothes that he is never coming home again to wear". to hang them back up into the closet that doesn't even smell like him anymore. Maybe that is what I was really mad about in the first place. For so many months after he passed his clothes still smelled like him. I could open the closet door and just hold his shirts and they would smell like him. Now I hold his shirt and it doesn't smell the same. So I thought to myself today " why hold onto them" Then the other thought was " Damn you, Your fucking clothes don't even smell like you" Is this just some sick way of making me feel your loss even more" In some ways I feel like an angry bitter woman. I want to yell at the top of my lungs until I don't have any air left in them " You left me!!" not the other way around. You are gone and I am here damnit. I don't want to answer any more questions that A and P ask. I don't want to talk about where is heaven anymore. I hate absolutely despise the fact that I have to look into my children's eyes and see that pain that 'Gosh I wish daddy was here look" I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to explain to a 5 year old little girl who misses her daddy so much that I know she can't even breathe at times. I know that is why she acts sometimes the way she does. I don't want to tell her. I don't want to tell Petey. I just want it to be over. I dont want to feel the pain anymore.!!!!!! I am done. I am mad. I hate where I am right now! I hate it hate it hate it hate it. I have done so many things that were so hard and I dont want to do any more HARD. I want peace. I want to sleep at night. I want to feel his warmth beside me. I miss not having him beside me. I miss his face, I miss his hands . I just want to hold his fucking hand and I can't. I physically can't The man I love and have loved for lifetimes I can't hold his hand because he is not here to hold it!! I am here. Aryanna and Petey and Chase Leo are here. and he is not.
I have these horrible thought like. Why did you pick me. Why did you do it. And then of course you know that if he didn't I wouldn't have had the chance to love him so much. and that it why it hurts so much!! This hole this desperate hole. Make it go away. I feel like if I could beg, steal or borrow just to have a few minutes to hear his voice. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have done well. I have been strong I have put one foot in fromt of the other. I have moved forward. I feel that I have done it . Don't I get something for good behavior. Like time to get out of prison now. He was supposed to be there.
I know, I know tomorrow is a new day another day to step forward. another day to see the light in the situation. Yes that is all true. But Its also another day to think of him every single second and other day to think of him with every breath I take. I want a break I dont want to think anymore. I wanted a break for a little bit. I know I may sound like a coward or that whole " So what in it for me" I am done. I am lonely. I miss the fact that he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. That after a day filled with screaming kids and covered in spitup and sweet potato s. He would open the door come in from work and tell me how beautiful I was. and I would always say "your crazy". I was a mess but to him I was his, I was beautiful. Call me petty or shallow but you know a woman needs to hear that. I need to hear that. I think now even now. Why didn't;t i listen.
You know you can make yourself go crazy with the what if game. but really What if I had known. seriously what difference would it have made. I know I would have worried more. and I know that we wouldn't have had as much fun. I would have always been trying to figure out a way to stop it. It is what it is. It was planned. It happened, and now after 9 months I am really freaking angry. I am mad at him. down right, irrational, stupid crazy mad. Oh and the guilt. Really can't I just be mad. No I have to feel guilty about being mad. Because that part of me says well his body was tired. Yes thank you, rational side. I know. I feel like I have split personality disorder. I can be yelling at him and saying I hate you for leaving me , I hate you for leaving your kids. Your beautiful kids they are just kids and they miss their daddy. . But I love you so much.
So I love you and I hate you. And I am so mad at you that I could explode. I have so much anxiety I can't breathe. I can't move. So often I hear people tell me I am so strong. And I am sure after writing this and sharing this. I wonder " So you think I am strong" I don't feel strong when i wasnt to kill my husband for dying. which would be pretty hard since he is already gone. I don;t feel strong when i run around like a crazy person on the inside and out. Taking it out on the random people that pass by. I don't feel strong when all I want to do is go back to bed instead of taking care of my kids.
I know Soon I will hop back onto that recovery train. Because that;s what I do, thats what I know how do. So I know that tomorrow is a new day. I can jump back on the recovery train and keep on chuggin'