Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Crazy Lonely

I feel empty and hollow this evening. I miss Pete. The day was a good one. We had a play date that lasted pretty much all day. However its the end of the evening. the kids are all in bed. And here I sit. This would normally be the time that Pete and I would sit in bed and watch the Food network. Or he would tell me about his day. and I would vent about mine. Sure there I things I could do. Like clean the kitchen for example. It looks like a bomb exploded in there. Lately it bothers me to no end that its a mess. but tonight I just don't care. I don't have it in me to worry about it. The kitchen and it's mess will still be looking at me in the morning. I could watch a movie, tool around on the ever popular Facebook, or even work on my squares that I am crocheting. But Again I just don't want to.
  This type of loneliness is crazy. Its like being depressed and empty all at the same time. On nights like these where I am tired but don't want to sleep. I wander around my kitchen searching for something to fill the void. Usually Dark Chocolate. Lots of dark Chocolate. Then I hate myself later. I beat myself up and say to myself You are never going to get that baby weight off if you eat a pound of Dove dark chocolate. Which doesn't help the loneliness, the depression and the " I don't care's" Because I do care. I just really don't have the energy, I guess to care.  See what I mean Crazy.,  It's crazy thinking. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Some times the thing that takes over is the feelings of just fill the void!! In the end I just want to shout inside my brain Stop It!! No more chatter. Shut up so I can just listen for Pete's voice. I know it is in there I know it is.
   I feel his energy in the house. Sometimes I get up in the morning and things from the top of the fridge have been knocked down to the floor. I know there is no way the cats could have gotten up there. Especially since the counters are all full of crap. It's his way of saying I am here.  Aryanna used to say to me Mommy don't cry just ask Daddy to come to you in your dreams. I looked up at her and asked her "Does Daddy come to you in your dreams?" she said "Yes, and he sits with my while I fall asleep, he sits in my rocking chair." So really If I feel him so strongly in the house and the kids are seeing him in the house, why be so lonely.
 I just want to hold his hand. Look at his face, Feel his embrace. So many people would ask me " So are you getting any sleep?" and I would want to yell Why would I sleep? I don't want to go to bed alone. In the same breath that people ask me that, they tell me a story about how hard it is for them to go to sleep when their husband is out of town. Is that supposed to make me feel better. Really? I feel worse. You at least know that your spouse is coming home from his/her business trip. Mine is NEVER coming home again.  SO why ask me if I am sleeping. Could you sleep??
 The hard thing is that I know people are trying, they just don't know what to say. There is no guide book, no rule book on what to ask what not to ask. I think people are curious. Maybe in their mind I might be sleeping great. Cause lets think about it. I have been running around all day chasing 3 children. How could one not be tired or asleep. That brings me back to my fist point Crazy lonely. Don't want to sleep just want to eat chocolate. Lots and LOTS of chocolate.  I miss him, I want him to come home now. I am tired. I don't want to go to bed alone. I don't want to eat a pound of chocolate. I just want him. So I can say Come sit beside me Roo, Roo. hold my hand , tell me about your day. Then I could look into those laughing eyes and say  "Want some Chocolate? I will share it with you."  Instead I look at myself and in this moment I feel like some crazy  lonely widow sitting on the couch eating a ton of chocolate looking at my messy kitchen beating myself up about being chubby, how I should just get up and put all the the dishes in the dishwasher it's not that hard.  But right now, I don't want to. So I will just sit and wait until I am tired enough to drop into bed. Not thinking. Just dreaming. And knowing that tomorrow is a new day. Granted it will be crazy but still, it is a new day. Another day to step forward.  

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