Thursday, August 19, 2010

Crazy Hearts

I wrote this poem a few months ago and I thought I would share it with you. I felt it needed to be put on this blog because it best describes the way I felt/feel and it embraces this crazy journey that I am one. It was in this poem/writing that I realized something so incredible about myself and where I had been to where I was going that I felt peaceful for once.
You shattered my heart into a million pieces.
Like shards of glass. Each one painful, each one scratching
and cutting and leaving a hole.
Over the past 7 months I have tried to pick up each tiny piece and
tried to make sense of where my heart used to be.
I see now that I have been building a stronger heart, a new heart
hoping for one day to make it whole again.
 The first minutes, hours, and months seemed impossible and often
times I didn't know which way was up. Oh how I prayed for the ground to
swallow me, for God to take away this ache, this burning,  this horrid pain.
Not just my pain but that of my beautiful children's confusion and pain.
Please God take it away, I would beg over and over.
Yet, even though I have been shattered, scared, and in the deepest, blackest despair I have
ever felt. I can say now, it didn't Break me. And it didn't Break my kids either.
We may not feel whole right now but we are Not Broken!
After writing this poem, the words just flew out of me. The realizations that I made. I share them with you here in the following paragraphs.
 ~ I have learned what I can handle in like and  what I can't I have learned to depend upon myself and God. I know that through all the tears that I have cried and still cry and all the tears my kids have cried and will still cry we are not broken.
  I loved Pete, and they loved their Daddy so completely and so unconditionally. It's through that love that we are not broken. It's through that love that we have for him and for each other, that we move forward. To embrace the man that toughed our lives and changed us. Even though it was too short he has helped show us what Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I are made of
  Many People could never understand what it's like. And even you may never get it. But I do. And Aryanna, Petey, chase Leo do. Unless you have walked this same path can you comprehend this earth shattering, life altering,and shear terrifying experience. To live this pain, and panic to it's fullest. Even through all of that there is still Love, Joy, and Laughter.
 I am grateful to the awesome man who made me a wife and mother. Who I got to share just a little bit of time with.  Soon he and I will meet again  Thank you Pete for showing me what I am made of. Stronger than steel. Even though it's only been 7 months and parts of me are still in pieces. I know a few of those pieces have started to connect back into something recognizable. I will never be the same. I won't! I am stronger, more durable, and built to last.  Even thought I have cursed you and screamed at you and been so mad at you for leaving me here to face this alone without you. and there are still  many days that I do yell at you. Because Damnit it's hard. Really, Really hard. But I am Not damaged or faulty.  I am not a victim. And A, P., and C L, know they are loved without a doubt. Our family may be smaller now and our light might not shine as bright right now. But there is hope and knowledge that our light will be so bright it will illuminate the world.
  I miss you Roo, Roo, with every breath and every second of every day. But you have shown me, taught me what you knew all along. I just had to find it. I am strong and confident and I believe in myself and in "our" family. I know and believe that Aryanna , Petey, and Chase Leo and I are going to..not just going to.. We have, We Have Made it. We have. We are. We are amazing together. We are strong. We are not broken, We are Whole, together.

As I sat here and re- read that again. I realize it even more It actually has now been 9 months. Well it will be 9 months on Saturday. These past couple of days have been very rocky and angry. But, I am so glad that I was flipping through my journal and stumbled upon it. I needed to read it. And feel it's power again. That night I felt the lightbulb go off and I got it. That with or without him we were and are going to be just fine. In that moment I could see that small light at the end of the tunnel. It was just a glimmer. But it was there. And I knew and know that my crazy heart will heal. There will be a scar probably the size of Texas but it's a part of me it's who I am, who I have become. But it's healing. And one day it will be whole.  

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