I actually wasn't going to write tonight. I hadn't felt the need to. But I was getting ready for bed. And went into Aryanna's room to put some medicine on her mouth while she was sleeping. Since she won't let me do it during the day, or that she rubs it off and her lips then will never get better. Anyway. I leaned over her to brush the ointment across her lips when I noticed that she was sleeping with her album. This album was given to her a couple of years ago. My sister made the cousins all scrapbooks with pictures of each other in them along with them, and different family members. In this particular album is a couple pictures of Pete. One picture is of Pete holding Petey at about 9 months old, one picture of Pete, me and Aryanna when she was about a yr old. Since Pete has passed away she has slept with this photo album in her bed. But tonight it was right beside her. At this moment I feel my heart break into tiny little pieces. Not only is grief hard but it feel a thousand times worse when you have to see your kids go through the same pain. Or too see that same anguish reflecting in their eyes. Their looks of complete loss and sadness. Eyes that used to sparkle and laugh now look dark, cloudy, and hurt.
I know it is her way of coping with this horrible thing that has happened but It is so hard to watch her and Petey embrace this new life path that we are all on. So many times his passing colors everything. I often think of things like " Is Aryanna lashing out at Petey b/c she is mad at Daddy or because she is being 5 years old" The thing is that I have started to figure out when it is going to be one of those days for her. Where her grief and anger take over. Lately it seems to happening more often. We are involved in Brookes Place and that really does help. But we can't go everyday, heck we can't even go every week. It meets every 2 weeks. Petey has been on a waiting list since May. They don't take them until they are 3 years old. At first I thought Oh that's OK he seems to be doing OK. But lately he has been asking more questions. Like when he was getting out of the bathtub the other day and said " Mommy why is Daddy an Angel" and I said " Remember Petey Daddy got sick and he had to go and live with Jesus" Which he replied to " Mommy I want Daddy to come home to us now" I said " I know Buddy, Mommy does too" Or when Aryanna said to me " Mommy did we make Daddy sick, did we give him something" I said " No Bug, you and Petey didn't do anything. Daddy just picked up this bug somewhere and it made him really really sick." I knelt down in front of her and held her face in my hands and told her " Aryanna it's not your fault that Daddy is an Angel." She said" OK Mommy. I miss Daddy" I said " I know, Mommy does too". It feels impossible. I look up to the sky and say " What, what do you want me to do?" The thing is that kids know so much. They are so much closer to God than we are as adults. They still remember what it's like to be with him. Some people would say "Oh no they don't." But I know that Yes, they do! Pete and I used to talk about things we did as kids. Pete once told me that he used to talk to his Grandfather. He said he would come into his room and they would talk about stuff. His Dad even remembers when he would come into Pete's room as a boy and ask " Who are you talking to" and Pete would say "Grandpa" Kids know. But still even though they know, I think there is a huge part of them that just doesn't know. It feels hard to explain. But I know my kids. I feel their pain so deeply. I am not saying that if this happened to you , you wouldn't feel it too. But it's not the same. To me it's because I know them and the special gifts that God gave them. I have seen these gifts in action. However it still hurts all the same.
The other night Aryanna kept telling Petey over and over that Daddy was never coming out of heaven. she just kept saying never over and over again. And then she and Petey started talking about throwing a rope up to Daddy so they could play. And Aryanna had a big plan, Said she was going to pray to Jesus right now and tell Daddy to come to her and help her sleep when she couldn't sleep at night. But she kept going on and on. I kept telling myself that it was her way of handling it so to just let it go. I tried to go outside and get my ipod out of the car and put the headphones in my ears to drown out some of it. But when I went to get in the car the doors were locked and I hadn't brought the keys with me. It feels horrible on the inside. Parts of me want to yell" enough I can't take it anymore please, please stop talking about it." It makes me crazy on the inside. Finally when I think I can't listen anymore she moves on to another topic. And I think to myself Oh good it has passed. But then she does something silly or crazy and I fly off the handle. Her words, their questions make me feel crazy. I feel bad for saying that or thinking that. Because they are kids they are going to ask. I remember nights right after he passed, I would beg God, Please don't let them ask me anything about Pete tonight, Please don't let them ask. I would chant this over and over until prayers were over and I kissed them good night. But I can't imagine what is going on in their minds. So often I hear" oh you know kids are so resilient". And I want to say that may be but they are living in it now. Not later right NOW. It is happening to them now. Their best friend in the whole world, their Daddy that they loved so so much is no longer with them. And they know that he is never coming home. How scary for them. How totally crazy for them. It make me feel crazy for them. I would hate that. I hate it for them. I swear the next time someone says "oh but they aren't going to remember it later". I am going to yell,. Maybe they won't in a few years from now. But they remember it now. They remember it yesterday. They remember that Mommy lost it. That Mommy went a little crazy. They remember the day their whole world turned upside down. They know that they right now they don't have someone to call Daddy. In fact Aryanna spends so much of her day convincing Petey to play house with her where she is the baby and he is the Daddy. Just so she has someone to call Daddy. Now granted I know that is part of the development that she and he are in right now. But some it isn't. A lot of it isn't. I cringe when I have to say Oh you know that little boy or girl you played with the other day their Daddy is over there. They may not notice it. But I do. I feel that If I was in their shoes I would be looking around at every family and counting to see which family has a Daddy and who doesn't. I wonder sometimes if A and P don't wish they had t-shirts that said " My daddy's in Heaven, I am having a bad day" I am always amazed that when we go somewhere new where there are lots of families around that they don't walk up to someone and say " You know my Daddy's in Heaven". I actually have that fear that Aryanna just might do that. And I feel bad for the poor parent that she says it to.
Yes Aryanna is head strong and bull headed. But lets be real here she gets it honestly. Look at her Mom and Dad. She is so independent and so not. I get so frustrated when she picks the most inopportune times to say Mommy lets snuggle. It's those times when everything is crazy Like Dinner time or going to target. Again it's her way of trying to have something sane to hold on to. I am surprised that she picks me to hold onto. SInce so often I feel so Insane. I know that is my own insecurities but I just hope that one day when they do look back at this crazy time in their life. I hope they can know that Mommy loves them so much and that I did the best that I knew how. Its Crazy heartbreak, it's mine and theirs. It feels at times too crazy. And looking at that album tonight made me just want it to all go away. Just go away heartbreak and let us be, just for a little while. We know you have to come back because thats how it is. Thats how we learn, thats how we grow, thats how we keep on moving forward. One crazy step at a time.