Today feels like one of those days. Where it has hit me full force. He isn't here. He is not away on a business trip. My heart it hurts tonight. So many moments today were full of being mad at him for leaving me here. Moments where I realized just how little Aryanna and Petey were. How it's no wonder they hate hospitals. Since the last time they saw their Daddy alive He was walking into a hospital and never came back home to them.
So many tears for him today. So many tears for the life that once was. And so many of those dumb questions and answers that go around and around in my head. "I would't be here, if he would have lived." Things wouldn't be this hard if only..." I know it doesn't do me any good. It just causes more tears to flow.
Today, I felt like my kids were out of control. I feel like their being this way they are is my fault. If Pete was here to help maybe they wouldn't be so crazy. Maybe he could do it better. They know how to push me, until I snap. I keep thinking if, only I could spend more time with them and see them for the wonder that they are. And not be so frustrated with them all the time. They must think I am the worlds crankiest Mommy ever. So often people tell me I am doing such a good job. When I really want to shout.. No, you don't see us at home. If only I wasn't so tired, I could read the parenting books, and figure out how to do it differently. They need their Daddy!
Today, I just don't feel good enough. Maybe if I was thinking rationally I would see some really great things in my children. Or some really great things that I did, that they have in them. I just have "The bad mommy Blues" tonight. Feeling that I am not patient enough with them. And that i get too frustrated too quickly. Plus the missing Pete, and trying to figure out why I feel like I have lost him all over again. I know, I know. I just need to relax and try not to stuff the whole elephant in my mouth at once. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.
Maybe it has to do with the changing of the seasons. I love spring. It's my favorite. Thats why I picked it. To get married in the spring. This is also the month that Pete and I would have been married for 8 years. I don't know why I feel so inadequate today. Not enough sleep, too much grief, too many worries? I don't know. Over thinking and being too emotional or what so many men call "just being a woman." Thanks Guys! cause really what's so bad about being emotional. It propels you forward, it gets things done. Emotions change the world and break it all at the same time.
Anyway, I am full of tears. They run down my cheeks, and dry out my skin. My eyes burn, my heart hurts. Feeling a bit empty and full of contradictions tonight. I want to go and lie in bed with Aryanna and Petey and hold them close. But I don't want them to wake up and come and sleep with me. I want to snuggle with Chase Leo but I don't want him to cry and keep me awake. I want to breathe in their sweet smelling skin, but don't want them all to be on top of me asking me a million questions that I don't have the answers too. Like when Petey says " Mommy, Chase Leo is calling for Daddy." What am I supposed to say to that? I don't know. That feeling of wanting to be with them and wanting them to just leave me alone for half a second. These tears just feel like Crazy Mommy tears. crazy widow tears,crazy realizations tears, and just plain crazy.
Bad Mommy? Good Mommy..ummm Too tired Mommy. Worn out Mommy. Crazy Mommy? I don't know.. Maybe it was just that kind of day to let the tears that I so often have kept in. Grief, anxiety, Worry, rage and feelings of being inadequate. Thats what you get when your crazy...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Crazy random and yet new awakenings...
If I hear one more person tell me that they understand my pain. I am going to shout!!! If you have not lost a spouse then you don't get it!. Thats it. You just don't get it. The pain and loss of losing a child is horrid. I can't imagine it. But I would not stand there and tell you that I understand, because I don't. Instead I understand your grief. There are similarities in grief and loss. But everyones loss is completely different. If you have lost your grandparents it is completely not even in the same category as the loss of a spouse, parent or a child. Its just not. The. Same.
My mother in law gave me this beautiful book called " Letter to a Grieving Heart" It was such a good book that I stood in my driveway and read the whole thing. However it brought up many things that i didn't want to remember right now. But then there is never a "good" time to remember things right? Doesn't it always seem that when you are grieving or in severe pain, people crawl or run to you. But if say you are down in the dumps or having a hard day.. then it feels like I just have to suck it up and deal. He is never coming back. End of story. However the pain remains the same. It hurts the day he died and it hurts today. I may not feel like slitting my wrists today but I still hurt for him. Something, that no one can understand unless again you have lost your spouse, your child, the love of your life. What gets me so frustrated at times is that not only did I lose the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and husband. I lost all of those people, that made up one person in 3 1/2 very short weeks. And sometimes I just want to shout "Really...???" I can't get my best friend back. Ever. That man that made up Pete is just not coming back.
No one will ever replace him. But Someone, could see me, possibly even catch a glimpse of the me that Pete loved so much. But yet even then. The "friend" can't understand the loss. And wouldn't know where to begin. But is it possible to ask them to try? Is that fair? Will the "friend" feel competition for my affection. Between a dead man, friend, spouse, lover, and father. Is that too much to ask? Is it worth it?
Its the constant frustration. I stand and look at my situation and think "Um.. yeah, there is no way anyone would want this.." Me ? Yes I think they could/would want me. But it's three kids. They then have to find the love and acceptance of three beautiful and adoring children. Who are protective of me, of each other and still grieve the loss of their Daddy. It feels constricting and suffocating. Then I want to Shout "But I am worth it! I know we are!" Aren't we? We are healing, and we are seeing the light. We are allowing another in to the secret space...
Still it keeps coming back. The roadblock. Maybe it's not that. Maybe the right person wouldn't see it as that. That this ache, this pain and suffering was part of the journey. That we chose. I know that I am not incapable of love,. I do feel at times that I am incapable of accepting it. Even as I write that it feels like a contradiction. What have i been wanting.. someone to love me. Hold me and tell me that this pain is over. I know, I know, it will never be completely over it will just heal. and the memories remain. That beauty and that joy, of that life, I had before. I can embrace it. Mourn the loss of it. But yet be grateful for it. That life, that Man that I so completely loved taught me so many things about life, friendship, parenting and just sheer joy that I might never have known. It's taking all those things that Pete gave to me and trying to fit them into the being I was then, and mold it into the being I am becoming. Is it possible? Yet I question myself and my motives. I can pour out the love, but why can't I let it in. As if I am punishing myself for some reason. Because Pete is not here. I punish myself because I lived and he didn't. And thats what it comes too. So irrational. I know. But it's a sudden realization that has just come to me in this very moment.
I have met someone. Someone who has made me feel alive. I thought I was dead. And I started to look around and realize that I wasn't. It is a weird feeling. I am breathing. I am living in this life, right now. Wide awake. I have a pulse, my blood flows freely through out my body and my heart pumps. I have three beautiful children, who know happiness and laughter. And Yet I don't think I knew that. Yet I hold back. It's me. When I thought it was this new "friend". yes he too does hold back. And for God's sake why wouldn't he. But I hold back too. I know what you are thinking. "Of course you hold back you lost your spouse, what did you think would happen when you found someone else? That you could go back?" My answer is that No, rationally I knew that I could not got back. And I have my eyes wide open. I think it's my heart that maybe not as open. While I do have feeling for him. that I thought at first was so strange. Why? I mean I am married for God's sakes. But No, I am not. Pete is Physically not here. By law, I am a widow. I have the papers that say so.
The craziness of it all... Is telling myself that I had no problem letting this person in. saying" It is what it is." And yet still realizing that I am punishing myself for living. Something a well rounded, optimistic person doesn't do. Or shouldn't. Or at least thats What I feel on the inside. I know my Pete. He would not be happy to know that I feel I should punish myself for feeling happy with someone else. I have spread my arms out and said "take it or leave it". "friend" wants to take it. I know, if I was sane I wouldn't' say Why? but still Why? I can't help it. I can give, but I can't receive. And there's the big question. Am I a lost cause? I don't know... Should I know? By the way for those of you who know me well know that I don't do anything half way. It's all or nothing. So for me to stand on the edge and try to be careful is hard. But , I am careful for my kids. And I have tried to push really hard recently and I get no where but anxious. So, apparently being careful is the best way to do it. You can bet that I won't be in a white dress tomorrow if that is what you are worried about.
So now what. Take life as it comes? Yeah OK. And? What about all the questions? It's coming to that place where I can see that there really is life out there. Which sounds so damn stupid. As if I am that Reba MacEntire song. I just don't know how to say it, I know you all are shocked!! But here is a quote that I just read that says it perfectly:
" How do you drag a heavy, frozen heart around every day and night? It's exhausting. Like a fever. But cold. And you think you will never feel very much again. Except pain." (Letter to a grieving Heart ~ Billy Sprague)
That's what it's like. However now, My heart is starting to thaw. It feels. It warms. It breaths. It beats. Its loved. This heart that only knew how to bleed and cry and bleed some more. This heart that is learning to heal and let someone else in. It's confusing. It's frustrating. It's happy. It's sad, It's grieving. How can I feel all those things at one time and still want more. I want it all. I want the kids to feel complete joy. I am not saying that I need this friend to feel whole. It's that I am becoming aware that I am whole even without Pete. I am whole weather I ever love again or not. That feeling or realizing that I can take all those things that Pete taught me and the ones I learned in grief and put them together to BE, Whole!! TO be whole with the kids. And if I can see that right now, then I owe it to myself to receive too. Right? That I am worth it, That Pete thinks I am worth it. That this new "Friend" thinks I am worth it. That I owe it to my kids to teach and show them that we are worth it. I mean I have no doubt that they are worthy of it. They are beautiful and wonderful little beings. Demanding.. but worthy. Yet it's me that stands on the edge and questions weather I am worthy of it. It's in these moments that I put this all together. That it start to settle into my mind, my heart, my body. And it make me wonder?
This post has been insightful, not just to you. But to me the author. There are still questions that remain, and yet new awakenings that settle into my new "being". Guess we will all have to see what crazy adventure the kids and I have next. And what crazy things will I think or evaluate about myself. What a crazy journey this is...
My mother in law gave me this beautiful book called " Letter to a Grieving Heart" It was such a good book that I stood in my driveway and read the whole thing. However it brought up many things that i didn't want to remember right now. But then there is never a "good" time to remember things right? Doesn't it always seem that when you are grieving or in severe pain, people crawl or run to you. But if say you are down in the dumps or having a hard day.. then it feels like I just have to suck it up and deal. He is never coming back. End of story. However the pain remains the same. It hurts the day he died and it hurts today. I may not feel like slitting my wrists today but I still hurt for him. Something, that no one can understand unless again you have lost your spouse, your child, the love of your life. What gets me so frustrated at times is that not only did I lose the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and husband. I lost all of those people, that made up one person in 3 1/2 very short weeks. And sometimes I just want to shout "Really...???" I can't get my best friend back. Ever. That man that made up Pete is just not coming back.
No one will ever replace him. But Someone, could see me, possibly even catch a glimpse of the me that Pete loved so much. But yet even then. The "friend" can't understand the loss. And wouldn't know where to begin. But is it possible to ask them to try? Is that fair? Will the "friend" feel competition for my affection. Between a dead man, friend, spouse, lover, and father. Is that too much to ask? Is it worth it?
Its the constant frustration. I stand and look at my situation and think "Um.. yeah, there is no way anyone would want this.." Me ? Yes I think they could/would want me. But it's three kids. They then have to find the love and acceptance of three beautiful and adoring children. Who are protective of me, of each other and still grieve the loss of their Daddy. It feels constricting and suffocating. Then I want to Shout "But I am worth it! I know we are!" Aren't we? We are healing, and we are seeing the light. We are allowing another in to the secret space...
Still it keeps coming back. The roadblock. Maybe it's not that. Maybe the right person wouldn't see it as that. That this ache, this pain and suffering was part of the journey. That we chose. I know that I am not incapable of love,. I do feel at times that I am incapable of accepting it. Even as I write that it feels like a contradiction. What have i been wanting.. someone to love me. Hold me and tell me that this pain is over. I know, I know, it will never be completely over it will just heal. and the memories remain. That beauty and that joy, of that life, I had before. I can embrace it. Mourn the loss of it. But yet be grateful for it. That life, that Man that I so completely loved taught me so many things about life, friendship, parenting and just sheer joy that I might never have known. It's taking all those things that Pete gave to me and trying to fit them into the being I was then, and mold it into the being I am becoming. Is it possible? Yet I question myself and my motives. I can pour out the love, but why can't I let it in. As if I am punishing myself for some reason. Because Pete is not here. I punish myself because I lived and he didn't. And thats what it comes too. So irrational. I know. But it's a sudden realization that has just come to me in this very moment.
I have met someone. Someone who has made me feel alive. I thought I was dead. And I started to look around and realize that I wasn't. It is a weird feeling. I am breathing. I am living in this life, right now. Wide awake. I have a pulse, my blood flows freely through out my body and my heart pumps. I have three beautiful children, who know happiness and laughter. And Yet I don't think I knew that. Yet I hold back. It's me. When I thought it was this new "friend". yes he too does hold back. And for God's sake why wouldn't he. But I hold back too. I know what you are thinking. "Of course you hold back you lost your spouse, what did you think would happen when you found someone else? That you could go back?" My answer is that No, rationally I knew that I could not got back. And I have my eyes wide open. I think it's my heart that maybe not as open. While I do have feeling for him. that I thought at first was so strange. Why? I mean I am married for God's sakes. But No, I am not. Pete is Physically not here. By law, I am a widow. I have the papers that say so.
The craziness of it all... Is telling myself that I had no problem letting this person in. saying" It is what it is." And yet still realizing that I am punishing myself for living. Something a well rounded, optimistic person doesn't do. Or shouldn't. Or at least thats What I feel on the inside. I know my Pete. He would not be happy to know that I feel I should punish myself for feeling happy with someone else. I have spread my arms out and said "take it or leave it". "friend" wants to take it. I know, if I was sane I wouldn't' say Why? but still Why? I can't help it. I can give, but I can't receive. And there's the big question. Am I a lost cause? I don't know... Should I know? By the way for those of you who know me well know that I don't do anything half way. It's all or nothing. So for me to stand on the edge and try to be careful is hard. But , I am careful for my kids. And I have tried to push really hard recently and I get no where but anxious. So, apparently being careful is the best way to do it. You can bet that I won't be in a white dress tomorrow if that is what you are worried about.
So now what. Take life as it comes? Yeah OK. And? What about all the questions? It's coming to that place where I can see that there really is life out there. Which sounds so damn stupid. As if I am that Reba MacEntire song. I just don't know how to say it, I know you all are shocked!! But here is a quote that I just read that says it perfectly:
" How do you drag a heavy, frozen heart around every day and night? It's exhausting. Like a fever. But cold. And you think you will never feel very much again. Except pain." (Letter to a grieving Heart ~ Billy Sprague)
That's what it's like. However now, My heart is starting to thaw. It feels. It warms. It breaths. It beats. Its loved. This heart that only knew how to bleed and cry and bleed some more. This heart that is learning to heal and let someone else in. It's confusing. It's frustrating. It's happy. It's sad, It's grieving. How can I feel all those things at one time and still want more. I want it all. I want the kids to feel complete joy. I am not saying that I need this friend to feel whole. It's that I am becoming aware that I am whole even without Pete. I am whole weather I ever love again or not. That feeling or realizing that I can take all those things that Pete taught me and the ones I learned in grief and put them together to BE, Whole!! TO be whole with the kids. And if I can see that right now, then I owe it to myself to receive too. Right? That I am worth it, That Pete thinks I am worth it. That this new "Friend" thinks I am worth it. That I owe it to my kids to teach and show them that we are worth it. I mean I have no doubt that they are worthy of it. They are beautiful and wonderful little beings. Demanding.. but worthy. Yet it's me that stands on the edge and questions weather I am worthy of it. It's in these moments that I put this all together. That it start to settle into my mind, my heart, my body. And it make me wonder?
This post has been insightful, not just to you. But to me the author. There are still questions that remain, and yet new awakenings that settle into my new "being". Guess we will all have to see what crazy adventure the kids and I have next. And what crazy things will I think or evaluate about myself. What a crazy journey this is...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Crazy "Daddy" Moments...
To me it seems there are certain things that little boys need that only a Daddy can offer. I mean Mommy can only do so much. Say for example Rough Housing. Yes, Mommy can wrestle their boys but only to a certain point. There is just some things that "Daddy's" do better. The other one is sports. I know there are many, many, woman who are very good at sports and excel at them. I , however am not one of them. I can ride a horse and I can play baseball. But, to teach my son anything about sports is not my expertise. I was raised by musicians. My mom was very, very, I do mean very, girlie. So therefore when she was blessed with three little girls she created us all in her image. My dad was into sports but, I would not say he was an active participant. The only thing I remember my dad doing well where sports was concerned. was Tennis. He loves Tennis and Horseback riding. So, when he and my mom were married and he had only girls, there are three things he taught us to do. 1. Ride a horse, 2.Shoot a gun, 3. Play tennis. However that being said. One has to be athletic in order to play tennis. And if you have three very girlie girls, the chances are slim that any of them will be that athletic. But I can proudly say that if push came to shove I could probably play tennis, not well or gracefully but I could. I am also a fantastic horsewoman and I don't miss my target.
However back to being a boy, I am not. I am a Mommy. I could teach Petey to ride a horse, but not play tennis. I don't really know the first thing about football. Although I do like to watch it. I understand it enough to watch it, but get all confused about what makes it a first down... I can teach Petey about art, and music. But would not have any clue as to where to begin with say hockey for example. I was watching him today with his Abuelo (Pete's Dad) They were outside playing T-Ball. Pete Sr. was giving him pointers on where and how to hold the bat. Petey, is just like his Daddy. If a ball is involved you can bet he will master it. I am grateful for Abuelo for showing Petey the things he needs to know. But at the same time I feel sad and empty that his Daddy isn't here to show him how. Pete would have loved that. Even now as I sit here on my couch I can see his smile and hear his laughter. As he would marvel at Petey and the things that his "little boy" can do.
But it's not just the sports. I mean, Pete was going to teach Aryanna about cars. (That is another thing that I don't know much about either.) Not saying that I can't learn.. I suppose I could . But it was Pete's job. He was supposed to be here to do these things for his children. To share with them. To share his hobbies, his talents, his gifts. It feels to me that they are missing out. They are missing out on so many things and it just doesn't seem right!! When Pete was alive, Aryanna already knew about the transmission. We were in the car and she said " Mommy you need to put that stick on the N like Daddy does. He said it's b/c the the transmission is slipping!" She was like 3 and a half. Petey is 3 and a half and doesn't know that. Who is going to teach him that? Aryanna used to be so balanced in liking both the so called "boy things" and "girl things." Now it's just girl things. cause there is no "boy" here to teach her.
I know I am sure you are thinking. Well Pete's not here , why don't you figure it out. And I guess At this point I don't want to. I want Pete to do it. But he can't, and that just doesn't seem right. I never thought I would be one of those people as an adult to say "It's just not fair." But really lets be honest, "It's just NOT fair!!" What must it be like for A and P to see Daddy's with their kids at the park. I am realistic and realize that even kids who have Daddy's in their lives are not always active "Daddy's" Or, that their are lots of single mom's doing the "Daddy" job too. B/c in reality there are a lot of deadbeats out there. On the flip side though there are a lot of really, really great Daddy's.
I do realize as well, that Petey won't grow up not knowing how to play football, or soccer, or even Tennis for that matter. He will get guidance from somewhere. It's just not where I wanted it to come from. Where Petey would have wanted, or needed it to come from. It's in these little moments that I realized how much Pete is missing out. Aryanna and Petey are missing out. I do realize that it's temporary this feeling of missing out. I just wish it wasn't this way. Is that part of grieving? realizing it? Yet accepting it and seeing the rational side too? Knowing that it won't be forever but still having to feel it. That feeling of missing out.
For me I hate to go to a big park where lots of families are together all playing. The sight of the little girl squealing with laughter as her Daddy pushes her so high on the swing. Or the Little boy yelling " Daddy look I caught it!" Or the intimate way that Mommy looks at Daddy over the heads of their children sharing a moment of pride and joy. It's me, looking at my kids faces watching and waiting as they too absorb all that is going on around them. That look of longing, and searching for him in the crowd. Like if they could just look hard enough they would see Pete emerge from the other side of the park. It's me pasting on a smile and pulling them behind me trying to pretend that it will be so much fun.. Just wait and see.. It's me wondering how am I going to keep track of all three of them. Who is going to play catch with Petey? How will I push Aryanna on the swing, and try and keep all the mulch out of Chase Leo's mouth. I want that family scene, I want that back. It's that frustration of knowing that I still grieve for it. That impatient side of me that is stomping her foot yelling "I will not be that woman at the park." You know the one who stands off to the side, with the sad and empty smile. While her kids run in all different directions and she doesn't know which one to go after first.
I know I have to find the peace in myself to accept it. That this is my life now. But I can dream. And I can pray that God brings me a man that Pete would love, his kids and his wife loving. A man who can Love A, P and CL like they were his own . Yet being OK with the fact that they are not biologically his. A man who can be that Daddy type for A, P and CL. To share in those intimate moments between father and son, father and daughter. And even those intimate smiles between a Mommy and a Daddy, of pride and joy. Sometimes there seems to be so much gray area, so much red tape. The hopeless romantic in me that wants to just shout "Love will conquer all!" Love will accept the crazy, the uncertain, the grey area, the red tape. Love will bypass the confusion in "I am not your Daddy, I could never be your Daddy, but I love you like a Daddy."
I know it's all craziness. My fears of the kids missing out. My fears of not being able to be everything for my boys all the time. Trying to raise men, and yet wanting a man of my own too. Too much? Maybe. But then I never do things the easy way. That would be too easy right? I do know this. I may be crazy, but I never do anything half way. Whether that be worrying about things that I cannot change ( I know if you cant change it then why worry) Or loving my kids or that special someone with such passion and intensity. I know that woman that Pete loved is inside of me, but I also know that this woman I am becoming now is strong, beautiful, intense, but also learning to love herself.
I know that rationally A, P and CL won't miss out forever. They will have that special someone not just for Mommy, but for them too. That even for the crazy, the gray area, the red tape. There is Love. For all of us. That is what Pete would want. Its knowing that together the kids and I are lovable even though we may be a whole ball of crazy!! Always unexpected and never for one minute boring.
However back to being a boy, I am not. I am a Mommy. I could teach Petey to ride a horse, but not play tennis. I don't really know the first thing about football. Although I do like to watch it. I understand it enough to watch it, but get all confused about what makes it a first down... I can teach Petey about art, and music. But would not have any clue as to where to begin with say hockey for example. I was watching him today with his Abuelo (Pete's Dad) They were outside playing T-Ball. Pete Sr. was giving him pointers on where and how to hold the bat. Petey, is just like his Daddy. If a ball is involved you can bet he will master it. I am grateful for Abuelo for showing Petey the things he needs to know. But at the same time I feel sad and empty that his Daddy isn't here to show him how. Pete would have loved that. Even now as I sit here on my couch I can see his smile and hear his laughter. As he would marvel at Petey and the things that his "little boy" can do.
But it's not just the sports. I mean, Pete was going to teach Aryanna about cars. (That is another thing that I don't know much about either.) Not saying that I can't learn.. I suppose I could . But it was Pete's job. He was supposed to be here to do these things for his children. To share with them. To share his hobbies, his talents, his gifts. It feels to me that they are missing out. They are missing out on so many things and it just doesn't seem right!! When Pete was alive, Aryanna already knew about the transmission. We were in the car and she said " Mommy you need to put that stick on the N like Daddy does. He said it's b/c the the transmission is slipping!" She was like 3 and a half. Petey is 3 and a half and doesn't know that. Who is going to teach him that? Aryanna used to be so balanced in liking both the so called "boy things" and "girl things." Now it's just girl things. cause there is no "boy" here to teach her.
I know I am sure you are thinking. Well Pete's not here , why don't you figure it out. And I guess At this point I don't want to. I want Pete to do it. But he can't, and that just doesn't seem right. I never thought I would be one of those people as an adult to say "It's just not fair." But really lets be honest, "It's just NOT fair!!" What must it be like for A and P to see Daddy's with their kids at the park. I am realistic and realize that even kids who have Daddy's in their lives are not always active "Daddy's" Or, that their are lots of single mom's doing the "Daddy" job too. B/c in reality there are a lot of deadbeats out there. On the flip side though there are a lot of really, really great Daddy's.
I do realize as well, that Petey won't grow up not knowing how to play football, or soccer, or even Tennis for that matter. He will get guidance from somewhere. It's just not where I wanted it to come from. Where Petey would have wanted, or needed it to come from. It's in these little moments that I realized how much Pete is missing out. Aryanna and Petey are missing out. I do realize that it's temporary this feeling of missing out. I just wish it wasn't this way. Is that part of grieving? realizing it? Yet accepting it and seeing the rational side too? Knowing that it won't be forever but still having to feel it. That feeling of missing out.
For me I hate to go to a big park where lots of families are together all playing. The sight of the little girl squealing with laughter as her Daddy pushes her so high on the swing. Or the Little boy yelling " Daddy look I caught it!" Or the intimate way that Mommy looks at Daddy over the heads of their children sharing a moment of pride and joy. It's me, looking at my kids faces watching and waiting as they too absorb all that is going on around them. That look of longing, and searching for him in the crowd. Like if they could just look hard enough they would see Pete emerge from the other side of the park. It's me pasting on a smile and pulling them behind me trying to pretend that it will be so much fun.. Just wait and see.. It's me wondering how am I going to keep track of all three of them. Who is going to play catch with Petey? How will I push Aryanna on the swing, and try and keep all the mulch out of Chase Leo's mouth. I want that family scene, I want that back. It's that frustration of knowing that I still grieve for it. That impatient side of me that is stomping her foot yelling "I will not be that woman at the park." You know the one who stands off to the side, with the sad and empty smile. While her kids run in all different directions and she doesn't know which one to go after first.
I know I have to find the peace in myself to accept it. That this is my life now. But I can dream. And I can pray that God brings me a man that Pete would love, his kids and his wife loving. A man who can Love A, P and CL like they were his own . Yet being OK with the fact that they are not biologically his. A man who can be that Daddy type for A, P and CL. To share in those intimate moments between father and son, father and daughter. And even those intimate smiles between a Mommy and a Daddy, of pride and joy. Sometimes there seems to be so much gray area, so much red tape. The hopeless romantic in me that wants to just shout "Love will conquer all!" Love will accept the crazy, the uncertain, the grey area, the red tape. Love will bypass the confusion in "I am not your Daddy, I could never be your Daddy, but I love you like a Daddy."
I know it's all craziness. My fears of the kids missing out. My fears of not being able to be everything for my boys all the time. Trying to raise men, and yet wanting a man of my own too. Too much? Maybe. But then I never do things the easy way. That would be too easy right? I do know this. I may be crazy, but I never do anything half way. Whether that be worrying about things that I cannot change ( I know if you cant change it then why worry) Or loving my kids or that special someone with such passion and intensity. I know that woman that Pete loved is inside of me, but I also know that this woman I am becoming now is strong, beautiful, intense, but also learning to love herself.
I know that rationally A, P and CL won't miss out forever. They will have that special someone not just for Mommy, but for them too. That even for the crazy, the gray area, the red tape. There is Love. For all of us. That is what Pete would want. Its knowing that together the kids and I are lovable even though we may be a whole ball of crazy!! Always unexpected and never for one minute boring.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Crazy sickness...
Too many sick kids, just too much. I was rocking Chase Leo to sleep this evening. As I was wishing that he would just go to sleep. I was also chanting I wish you were here Pete. Over and over in my head. As if wishing was going to bring him back. If only...
My boys have had the stomach flu this week. Petey got sick early Saturday morning. Luckily it wasn't one of those hours and hours of throwing up. He was sick twice and then just slept it off. However just as soon as I thought I was done with the flu, it came back with a vengeance. Chase Leo got it. He got it really really bad. He was sick for four days. He threw up literally for four days. It was insane. I have been thrown up on so many times this week, that it's just not pretty. Thankfully CL is much better today and is starting to eat and be hungry. But Aryanna came home from school and said her tummy hurt. She didn't really eat dinner until late this evening. She did have a low grade fever. I am hoping that she too can just sleep it off.
It's this whole idea of dealing with sick children by myself that makes me feel like I am banging my head against the wall. I mean, it's not like I can really ask anyone to come in and help me. They then run the risk of getting the flu themselves. I can't ask anyone to watch my sick kids so that I can run here or there b/c no one wants there kids to get it. I mean really, you don't want this in your house!! But before when Aryanna or Petey was to get sick in the night, there was another set of hands. Someone else to worry with me. To help care for the kids, heck to even care for me. On a side note I am so, so, so, Blessed that I did not get it!! Thank You Lord for that blessing. Even then who could come and care for me, or care for the kids if I am throwing up every where. It just feels like this week was too much. Just too much. Tired of doing in alone all the time. Always being the constant caretaker. I mean I hate it when they are sick. Absolutely, hate. it. There is only so much you can do. The virus or bug or whatever, just has to run it's course. I can hold them and snuggle them but I can't take it away for them.
With this "sick" week my grief has been worse. I know that the kids grief has been worse. I can remember when Aryanna got the flu soon after Pete had passed and she was crying in her sleep, "I want daddy". God, it was awful. There was nothing I could do. I just sat in her rocking chair and sobbed, chanting "I want your daddy too". It shattered my heart even more. It was while I was holding Chase Leo that I realized that he doesn't miss his daddy, he doesn't know, that anything is missing. I mean so many people would say that, that is a blessing, and yet it breaks my heart too. Today I was folding the worlds biggest load of towels. and CL pointed to a picture of Pete holding Petey and smiled. He said Da, which made me smile. He knows. even though he doesn't.
I sit here now.. when I should probably be in bed. Too many nights of not sleeping and yet I can't sleep. I was putting clean sheets on my bed and I thought. "Ya know I hate doing this. I wash these sheets and then I make the bed. Just so that I can pull back the covers and slide into them alone". I have started putting all the pillows on one side of the bed and then burrowing in. It makes the bed seem smaller and not so big and alone. Often times I feel like my mother. How many times did she do the same thing. And I remember wondering "why does she do that?" or "How can she breathe with all those blankets on top of her?" Now I know. It's comforting. It's like a nest. That is just big enough for me. No wiggle room. No worry of reaching over too far and feeling the empty space beside me. Sometimes when the lonely creeps in and sinks into my skin there is nothing to do but cry. But for now, I have figured out some ways of coping and if it means that the pillows are piled to the ceiling so that I can sleep in my cozy bed, then I guess so be it.
I miss him, and yes I know that I will always miss him. But like this bug/sickness, There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run it's crazy course.
My boys have had the stomach flu this week. Petey got sick early Saturday morning. Luckily it wasn't one of those hours and hours of throwing up. He was sick twice and then just slept it off. However just as soon as I thought I was done with the flu, it came back with a vengeance. Chase Leo got it. He got it really really bad. He was sick for four days. He threw up literally for four days. It was insane. I have been thrown up on so many times this week, that it's just not pretty. Thankfully CL is much better today and is starting to eat and be hungry. But Aryanna came home from school and said her tummy hurt. She didn't really eat dinner until late this evening. She did have a low grade fever. I am hoping that she too can just sleep it off.
It's this whole idea of dealing with sick children by myself that makes me feel like I am banging my head against the wall. I mean, it's not like I can really ask anyone to come in and help me. They then run the risk of getting the flu themselves. I can't ask anyone to watch my sick kids so that I can run here or there b/c no one wants there kids to get it. I mean really, you don't want this in your house!! But before when Aryanna or Petey was to get sick in the night, there was another set of hands. Someone else to worry with me. To help care for the kids, heck to even care for me. On a side note I am so, so, so, Blessed that I did not get it!! Thank You Lord for that blessing. Even then who could come and care for me, or care for the kids if I am throwing up every where. It just feels like this week was too much. Just too much. Tired of doing in alone all the time. Always being the constant caretaker. I mean I hate it when they are sick. Absolutely, hate. it. There is only so much you can do. The virus or bug or whatever, just has to run it's course. I can hold them and snuggle them but I can't take it away for them.
With this "sick" week my grief has been worse. I know that the kids grief has been worse. I can remember when Aryanna got the flu soon after Pete had passed and she was crying in her sleep, "I want daddy". God, it was awful. There was nothing I could do. I just sat in her rocking chair and sobbed, chanting "I want your daddy too". It shattered my heart even more. It was while I was holding Chase Leo that I realized that he doesn't miss his daddy, he doesn't know, that anything is missing. I mean so many people would say that, that is a blessing, and yet it breaks my heart too. Today I was folding the worlds biggest load of towels. and CL pointed to a picture of Pete holding Petey and smiled. He said Da, which made me smile. He knows. even though he doesn't.
I sit here now.. when I should probably be in bed. Too many nights of not sleeping and yet I can't sleep. I was putting clean sheets on my bed and I thought. "Ya know I hate doing this. I wash these sheets and then I make the bed. Just so that I can pull back the covers and slide into them alone". I have started putting all the pillows on one side of the bed and then burrowing in. It makes the bed seem smaller and not so big and alone. Often times I feel like my mother. How many times did she do the same thing. And I remember wondering "why does she do that?" or "How can she breathe with all those blankets on top of her?" Now I know. It's comforting. It's like a nest. That is just big enough for me. No wiggle room. No worry of reaching over too far and feeling the empty space beside me. Sometimes when the lonely creeps in and sinks into my skin there is nothing to do but cry. But for now, I have figured out some ways of coping and if it means that the pillows are piled to the ceiling so that I can sleep in my cozy bed, then I guess so be it.
I miss him, and yes I know that I will always miss him. But like this bug/sickness, There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run it's crazy course.
Monday, February 28, 2011
A crazy story...
Once upon a time there was a beautiful young woman filled with such happiness.. She had found her Prince. She would say "I know that sounds so cliche" and yet it was so true. That once young woman sits here now and recalls her wedding. She thinks about that beautiful young woman. The joy on her face. and the realization. that no more would there be pain or suffering. That the man she was marrying was bringing joy and light and life into her world. He changed everything. Making her so lucky to be his! He had called her his and she had called him hers. Always to be together. Hearts united together. Never to part or be alone again. The pain, the abuse, was behind her now. What stood in front of her was a beautiful, loving, caring, man who loved her so unconditionally. And she loved him with every breath of her whole existence.
The way he looked at her. The way her caressed her skin and kissed her softly, yet with such passion and love. Granted he was not perfect but she loved him for everything he was, for everything he wasn't and for everything that she believed he could be. The wedding was beautiful. All their friends and family supporting and praising for a wonderful union of two beautiful and strong people. What a glorious day that was. Everything beautiful from her gown to glow in their eyes when they looked at each other. Sharing secret smiles and inside emotions that only they understood. When they danced he held her close and smiled a smile that lit up the whole room. Laughter and joy filled everyones hearts. For they knew what a beautiful life these two beings would have. They knew that these two would be "that" couple. Passionate, tender and sweet. Yet bold, intense and tentative all at the same time. They sparkled in each others presence. A sparkle unlike any other.
They settled down in a small house. Making it their own. Simple and yet homey. She soon got pregnant after 2 years of marriage. He delighted in her and told her beautiful things. Even though she felt as big and swollen as a house. They both had a vision for the baby's room and together they created it in love. He painted and she stood back in awe of his beautiful gift that God had blessed him with. They filled their new baby's room with love and a beautiful garden. She would dream of putting their baby girl to sleep in that room. She daydreamed as she was lying on the floor. Looking up at the giant tree painted in the corner with its roots going down into the floor and it's branches reaching up so high into the clouds above. The rolling hills so delicately and freely painted. With the one small touch that she added of flowers springing up form the grasses that he had painted. Filling baby's room with a crib and a rocking chair. Bedding flourished with butterfly's and lady bugs. She would sit in the corner in that rocking chair that he had given her. Look up at the clouds that he had painted in this whimsical room, holding her belly and caressing her baby from the outside in. filled with wonder of the new adventure that she and him were about to explore.
The blessed event arrived with lots of labor and finally a c-section. Aryanna was born Jylu 2. Her beautiful baby girl was here. Her Daddy so proud of his baby girl, he held her so close with such pride. A new little sparkle to add to the two big ones in her life. The Daddy loved her and cared for her, delighted in her and thanked her mama for working so hard to bring this bundle of joy into their lives. He was filled with so much love and joy he thought he would pop from the excitement of it all. Taking it in, and absorbing it into his mind, body and soul. How he felt blessed to have such beauty in his life. One woman and one little girl. Both he loved and adored. With feelings of being the luckiest man alive.
He taught his little girl and shared in her joy and the things that she relished. He showed her the things that brought him joy and he shared in them with her. holding her hand and encouraging her to find her own way but with a touch of help from Mommy and Daddy. She was not an easy baby. What with her mama's fire and her daddy;s stubborn streak but she was strong, healthy and independent.
Within a year. The Mommy and Daddy decided it was time to add onto their family. The mama got pregnant within a few months. Before they knew it they were to be blessed with a boy. The father so happy and full of pride. and the Mama feeling so blessed to have now two men in her life to love. Again she stood and watched as her husband and man of her dreams fill the new baby's room with love and a beautiful painting. This one fit for a little king. He filled the room with a vision of airplanes. including a garage for the plane. She watched him as painted the trees. each stroke of his hand with the brush. Watching the tree's fill in around the room. As he painted the sky so blue and with so many dimensions. He carefully and diligently added the touches of fluffy white clouds. Giving one a true sense of flying. He found the perfect decals for the room and placed them in the exact place. Filling her with a feeling that if she stood there long enough she would hear the sound of the engines as they flew over her head. The closet painted with gray colored bricks. And old vintage signs hung on the "garage walls". She marveled in his master piece. And looked on with such pride as he took his old dresser as a child and painted it to look just like a craftsman tool box. She added the delicate touches that Mommy's add. The quilt with the airplanes on them for the baby's bed. The sheets with the vintage trucks and airplanes. She again laid on the floor and would look up at the sky he had painted. Watching the clouds go by. With wonder and excitement of yet another new journey.
Again the blessed day arrived. this time with no labor just in they went with a scheduled c-section. In no time at all another beautiful and breath taking dark haired little baby entered into their lives. How she held her little baby boy so close. While he looked on with such wonder and awe. He finally got his own little boy. He couldn't wait for baseball games, and racecars at the tracks. Playing outside and being muddy. How he looked into those eyes that were exact replica's of his own. What he couldn't believe was that he now had two beautiful baby;s along with the world best mama and wife a man could ask for. He couldn't be any happier.
The nights of course were long and many of them sleepless. But as they together had two sparkles. They learned together how to be parents, how to be husband and wife at the same time. They marveled in each other and with their children they learned so many truly wonderful blessings and trials that children can bring to young and new parents. However not so new with this one. The balance of two independent and sensitive beings always looking to them for guidance, attention, play and adventure. He showed them how to be both creative and smart. Together She and him taught them beauty, love and grace.
Soon much to the surprise of the her Prince they were to be blessed again with another baby. He was so surprised. And she was as well. They knew this would be the final addition to their beautiful and loving home. How ever even though she and him both knew this and agreed to this they still felt so blessed to have such healthy and loving children. As with the other pregnancy's the sickness soon came and the tired and restless nights. But he held her so close. Told her she was so beautiful and she knew that in his eyes she was. Even though again she felt like a small apartment complex. He cherished her, helped her move forward when she was so sick she didn't think she could go on anymore. He continued his role as a dedicated father and role model to his loving and adoring children. He adored his wife and loved her completely. In a way she never had felt before. And she loved him in the same intensity. Yet something went wrong.
One day he came home from work so very sick. She cared for him the best way she knew how. The other two kids had colds and she was tired with this pregnancy. Worried about him and wanting him to get better to help with the other two. feelings of being over whelmed and wonder, as to why he just wasn't' getting better. Within a week he was worse than before. She told him to get in the car they were going to the hospital. Little did she know that when they got to the hospital this part of her life would change forever and never be the same.
The Dr's said he needed more oxygen and that he needed medicine., Admitting him right away. She called her father and he came quickly to the hospital to get Aryanna and Petey. She stayed with him by his side. They talked briefly and she tried to find something to do with her time. Pregnant and worried she called her sister who came to the hospital to be by her side. Within a few hours her Prince was sitting in ICU with an oxygen mask in a room where he was isolated from everyone else. She went into his room, gently running her hands across his arms. telling him how much she loved him and he proclaiming his love to her as well. Asking her to stay away, for fear of the baby she was carrying would get sick too. He looked in her eyes with such endearment and yet fear telling her to go home and rest that this would be a long road. She kissed his hand, and his face then left the room.
The days and weeks to follow were a nightmare. The constant worry, the constant fear of what was really going on. People coming and going from her house. She tried to nail down people to watch the other two so she could get as much time as she could at the hospital. The little boy and girl constantly asking where was Daddy and when was he coming home. She told them what she knew. Daddy is at the hospital b/c he is sick when he is healthy he gets to come home. Every day she went to the hospital she would pray that this day he would be better, that this day he could come home. And every day it was more bad news. She sat in his room and looked at the strong man that she always knew and loved and watch him become weak. Something he never, ever was. She longed to kiss his sweet lips. To see his smiling face look at her with such joy the way he always did. She held his hand and encouraged him to just keep going to keep fighting. She told him over and over until she had no breath that she loved him so much and how proud of him she was. She brought pictures of the kids and filled his room with their smiling faces. Friends brought banners with the words "Go Pete Go". chanting him on from the other side. She filled his room with music and at night she would sing to him the songs he loved best. She watched the monitors and asked questions and waited while they ran more tests and more questions with no answers. She cried and cried begging him to just keep fighting. That she needed him, that his little girl and son needed him and that their unborn baby needed him. She stayed by his side and held his hands massaged his feet and caressed his face. Running her fingers through his goatee and telling him how amazing he was.
One day he started doing better, the Doctors started waking him up and he opened his eyes. He looked for her. He raised his head off the bed as she walked into his room. This man that she loved and all his strength he would watch her and mouth beautiful words to her. Telling her how much he loved her and asking how the baby was. She held his hand and looked in his eyes. He looked so tired but she held on, and didn't let go. She filled him with peace and love. Chatting about the new things the kids were doing and how big the baby was measuring. But as he tried to make sense of it all, he got overwhelmed and frustrated causing him to need more oxygen. She tried to just let him rest but he wanted to be with her so badly that he couldn't rest when she was around. She looked at him and told him how beautiful he was and how amazing he was and that he needed some rest that she would be back in a few hours. However when she returned things were not well.
His blood was clotting and his lungs were tired. He was losing the fight. She stood by his side with her big pregnant belly and had him listen to the baby's heart beat through a Doppler. She whispered though her tears listen to your baby. He needs you. You can do this, I know you can. But for all his fighting and all her encouragement it just wasn't enough. She went to his room touched his face rubbed his ear like she always did. and whispered in his ear. "I need you to stay, but understand that you can't. It's OK. Go to the Garden your Angel will meet you there. It's OK. I love you so much. I am going to name the baby Chase. I love you more than breath." She looked at him, and with so much anguish and tears streaming down her face walked out of his room. Never to see him again. He passed away peacefully with family and friends around him. His Mama and daddy holding his hand as he left this beautiful earth and into the next joyous place.
The details to follow a blur and the memories of that awful nightmare often revisited in dreams. She was surrounded with people constantly. She made it to term and delivered a healthy, beautiful, dark haired little baby boy named Chase Leo. She cried when she saw him and held his so close. Whispering in his ear. Your Daddy would be so proud.
She sits here now 15 months later and thinks again of that young woman. She knows that if she were to ask that woman if she knew the outcome, would she do it again? Would she date and marry him again? Knowing that he wouldn't live.. Her answer will always be Yes. Because for awhile she knew, breathed, lived happiness to it's fullest. She knows her Prince, and knows that even though he is not with her now, she was blessed to have had him touch her life. Blessed to have had his love, blessed to have loved him. To have cared for him. To have been blessed to be his wife and the mother of his children. Even though it was too short. She knows, with out a doubt she would do it all over again.
The way he looked at her. The way her caressed her skin and kissed her softly, yet with such passion and love. Granted he was not perfect but she loved him for everything he was, for everything he wasn't and for everything that she believed he could be. The wedding was beautiful. All their friends and family supporting and praising for a wonderful union of two beautiful and strong people. What a glorious day that was. Everything beautiful from her gown to glow in their eyes when they looked at each other. Sharing secret smiles and inside emotions that only they understood. When they danced he held her close and smiled a smile that lit up the whole room. Laughter and joy filled everyones hearts. For they knew what a beautiful life these two beings would have. They knew that these two would be "that" couple. Passionate, tender and sweet. Yet bold, intense and tentative all at the same time. They sparkled in each others presence. A sparkle unlike any other.
They settled down in a small house. Making it their own. Simple and yet homey. She soon got pregnant after 2 years of marriage. He delighted in her and told her beautiful things. Even though she felt as big and swollen as a house. They both had a vision for the baby's room and together they created it in love. He painted and she stood back in awe of his beautiful gift that God had blessed him with. They filled their new baby's room with love and a beautiful garden. She would dream of putting their baby girl to sleep in that room. She daydreamed as she was lying on the floor. Looking up at the giant tree painted in the corner with its roots going down into the floor and it's branches reaching up so high into the clouds above. The rolling hills so delicately and freely painted. With the one small touch that she added of flowers springing up form the grasses that he had painted. Filling baby's room with a crib and a rocking chair. Bedding flourished with butterfly's and lady bugs. She would sit in the corner in that rocking chair that he had given her. Look up at the clouds that he had painted in this whimsical room, holding her belly and caressing her baby from the outside in. filled with wonder of the new adventure that she and him were about to explore.
The blessed event arrived with lots of labor and finally a c-section. Aryanna was born Jylu 2. Her beautiful baby girl was here. Her Daddy so proud of his baby girl, he held her so close with such pride. A new little sparkle to add to the two big ones in her life. The Daddy loved her and cared for her, delighted in her and thanked her mama for working so hard to bring this bundle of joy into their lives. He was filled with so much love and joy he thought he would pop from the excitement of it all. Taking it in, and absorbing it into his mind, body and soul. How he felt blessed to have such beauty in his life. One woman and one little girl. Both he loved and adored. With feelings of being the luckiest man alive.
He taught his little girl and shared in her joy and the things that she relished. He showed her the things that brought him joy and he shared in them with her. holding her hand and encouraging her to find her own way but with a touch of help from Mommy and Daddy. She was not an easy baby. What with her mama's fire and her daddy;s stubborn streak but she was strong, healthy and independent.
Within a year. The Mommy and Daddy decided it was time to add onto their family. The mama got pregnant within a few months. Before they knew it they were to be blessed with a boy. The father so happy and full of pride. and the Mama feeling so blessed to have now two men in her life to love. Again she stood and watched as her husband and man of her dreams fill the new baby's room with love and a beautiful painting. This one fit for a little king. He filled the room with a vision of airplanes. including a garage for the plane. She watched him as painted the trees. each stroke of his hand with the brush. Watching the tree's fill in around the room. As he painted the sky so blue and with so many dimensions. He carefully and diligently added the touches of fluffy white clouds. Giving one a true sense of flying. He found the perfect decals for the room and placed them in the exact place. Filling her with a feeling that if she stood there long enough she would hear the sound of the engines as they flew over her head. The closet painted with gray colored bricks. And old vintage signs hung on the "garage walls". She marveled in his master piece. And looked on with such pride as he took his old dresser as a child and painted it to look just like a craftsman tool box. She added the delicate touches that Mommy's add. The quilt with the airplanes on them for the baby's bed. The sheets with the vintage trucks and airplanes. She again laid on the floor and would look up at the sky he had painted. Watching the clouds go by. With wonder and excitement of yet another new journey.
Again the blessed day arrived. this time with no labor just in they went with a scheduled c-section. In no time at all another beautiful and breath taking dark haired little baby entered into their lives. How she held her little baby boy so close. While he looked on with such wonder and awe. He finally got his own little boy. He couldn't wait for baseball games, and racecars at the tracks. Playing outside and being muddy. How he looked into those eyes that were exact replica's of his own. What he couldn't believe was that he now had two beautiful baby;s along with the world best mama and wife a man could ask for. He couldn't be any happier.
The nights of course were long and many of them sleepless. But as they together had two sparkles. They learned together how to be parents, how to be husband and wife at the same time. They marveled in each other and with their children they learned so many truly wonderful blessings and trials that children can bring to young and new parents. However not so new with this one. The balance of two independent and sensitive beings always looking to them for guidance, attention, play and adventure. He showed them how to be both creative and smart. Together She and him taught them beauty, love and grace.
Soon much to the surprise of the her Prince they were to be blessed again with another baby. He was so surprised. And she was as well. They knew this would be the final addition to their beautiful and loving home. How ever even though she and him both knew this and agreed to this they still felt so blessed to have such healthy and loving children. As with the other pregnancy's the sickness soon came and the tired and restless nights. But he held her so close. Told her she was so beautiful and she knew that in his eyes she was. Even though again she felt like a small apartment complex. He cherished her, helped her move forward when she was so sick she didn't think she could go on anymore. He continued his role as a dedicated father and role model to his loving and adoring children. He adored his wife and loved her completely. In a way she never had felt before. And she loved him in the same intensity. Yet something went wrong.
One day he came home from work so very sick. She cared for him the best way she knew how. The other two kids had colds and she was tired with this pregnancy. Worried about him and wanting him to get better to help with the other two. feelings of being over whelmed and wonder, as to why he just wasn't' getting better. Within a week he was worse than before. She told him to get in the car they were going to the hospital. Little did she know that when they got to the hospital this part of her life would change forever and never be the same.
The Dr's said he needed more oxygen and that he needed medicine., Admitting him right away. She called her father and he came quickly to the hospital to get Aryanna and Petey. She stayed with him by his side. They talked briefly and she tried to find something to do with her time. Pregnant and worried she called her sister who came to the hospital to be by her side. Within a few hours her Prince was sitting in ICU with an oxygen mask in a room where he was isolated from everyone else. She went into his room, gently running her hands across his arms. telling him how much she loved him and he proclaiming his love to her as well. Asking her to stay away, for fear of the baby she was carrying would get sick too. He looked in her eyes with such endearment and yet fear telling her to go home and rest that this would be a long road. She kissed his hand, and his face then left the room.
The days and weeks to follow were a nightmare. The constant worry, the constant fear of what was really going on. People coming and going from her house. She tried to nail down people to watch the other two so she could get as much time as she could at the hospital. The little boy and girl constantly asking where was Daddy and when was he coming home. She told them what she knew. Daddy is at the hospital b/c he is sick when he is healthy he gets to come home. Every day she went to the hospital she would pray that this day he would be better, that this day he could come home. And every day it was more bad news. She sat in his room and looked at the strong man that she always knew and loved and watch him become weak. Something he never, ever was. She longed to kiss his sweet lips. To see his smiling face look at her with such joy the way he always did. She held his hand and encouraged him to just keep going to keep fighting. She told him over and over until she had no breath that she loved him so much and how proud of him she was. She brought pictures of the kids and filled his room with their smiling faces. Friends brought banners with the words "Go Pete Go". chanting him on from the other side. She filled his room with music and at night she would sing to him the songs he loved best. She watched the monitors and asked questions and waited while they ran more tests and more questions with no answers. She cried and cried begging him to just keep fighting. That she needed him, that his little girl and son needed him and that their unborn baby needed him. She stayed by his side and held his hands massaged his feet and caressed his face. Running her fingers through his goatee and telling him how amazing he was.
One day he started doing better, the Doctors started waking him up and he opened his eyes. He looked for her. He raised his head off the bed as she walked into his room. This man that she loved and all his strength he would watch her and mouth beautiful words to her. Telling her how much he loved her and asking how the baby was. She held his hand and looked in his eyes. He looked so tired but she held on, and didn't let go. She filled him with peace and love. Chatting about the new things the kids were doing and how big the baby was measuring. But as he tried to make sense of it all, he got overwhelmed and frustrated causing him to need more oxygen. She tried to just let him rest but he wanted to be with her so badly that he couldn't rest when she was around. She looked at him and told him how beautiful he was and how amazing he was and that he needed some rest that she would be back in a few hours. However when she returned things were not well.
His blood was clotting and his lungs were tired. He was losing the fight. She stood by his side with her big pregnant belly and had him listen to the baby's heart beat through a Doppler. She whispered though her tears listen to your baby. He needs you. You can do this, I know you can. But for all his fighting and all her encouragement it just wasn't enough. She went to his room touched his face rubbed his ear like she always did. and whispered in his ear. "I need you to stay, but understand that you can't. It's OK. Go to the Garden your Angel will meet you there. It's OK. I love you so much. I am going to name the baby Chase. I love you more than breath." She looked at him, and with so much anguish and tears streaming down her face walked out of his room. Never to see him again. He passed away peacefully with family and friends around him. His Mama and daddy holding his hand as he left this beautiful earth and into the next joyous place.
The details to follow a blur and the memories of that awful nightmare often revisited in dreams. She was surrounded with people constantly. She made it to term and delivered a healthy, beautiful, dark haired little baby boy named Chase Leo. She cried when she saw him and held his so close. Whispering in his ear. Your Daddy would be so proud.
She sits here now 15 months later and thinks again of that young woman. She knows that if she were to ask that woman if she knew the outcome, would she do it again? Would she date and marry him again? Knowing that he wouldn't live.. Her answer will always be Yes. Because for awhile she knew, breathed, lived happiness to it's fullest. She knows her Prince, and knows that even though he is not with her now, she was blessed to have had him touch her life. Blessed to have had his love, blessed to have loved him. To have cared for him. To have been blessed to be his wife and the mother of his children. Even though it was too short. She knows, with out a doubt she would do it all over again.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Crazy memories spilling around me...
I miss Sunday afternoons. Pete would be home an working on some project of some sort. The kids would play. Or help Pete in the garage. Usually he would have racing on. He would sit on the couch an have a snack. I would just plop down beside him and lie my head on his shoulder. Probably complain of being bored, or wanting to go out and meet a friend for coffee. Now it seems that these memories creep in ever so vividly. As if I could just reach out and touch them. Bringing them so close to my body. Last night I was standing staring at the fridge. I keep lots of random pictures on it along with the kids art work. One picture in mind stuck out however. It was one of Pete holding Petey as a baby in the hospital. Petey was lying on Pete's forearm and Aryanna was leaning in to kiss Petey on the top of his head. However when the picture was originally taken the photographer couldn't get a good shot of Aryanna and Petey. So she photoshopped Aryanna in later. As I was looking at this picture I reached out to touch the picture. I ran my hand over the smooth cool surface. I kept running my hand back and forth over Pete's hand as if somehow I could feel his touch. If I just reached far enough, touched enough somehow I would feel the warmth of his hand, or feel something. But all I felt was the cold paper under my finger tips. The flood of memories that consumed me.
How worried I was about leaving Aryanna to have Petey. I had never left her over night before. Worried about how she would handle having a new baby brother. So scared about having to walk back to the OR and lie on the table willingly as they opened me up to get my beautiful baby boy. The pride on Pete's face the first time he looked at his son. How I kept asking him if he looked like his name so I wouldn't have to hear what the doctor's were talking about while putting me all "back together". The way Petey felt in my arms. The way Pete held him so close and so tenderly. And the memory of how holding Petey and looking at his new baby boy brought tears to his eyes. My Pete so tough on the outside and so tender and sweet on the inside. Touched by his son's hand and that feeling of never wanting to let go... Yet little did either of them, let alone all of us know. What was to come.
It's those memories that I know are blessings in disguise. No matter how much they hurt to remember. How much they take my breath away as if all the air has been sucked out of my lungs just to look that close at one small and yet monumental memory. The hurt, the pain of losing him and never being able to touch him, see his smiling face look at me again. His smiling face that doesn't get to see and physically feel his children's touch. And vice versa. The feelings of being completely lost and lonely. I sit here on my couch and look at A and P. I can hold them so close, to kiss their sweet faces and yet I probably don't as much as I could or should. The feelings of being so tired and just wanting some time away. And yet feeling the loneliness ever so present on this Sunday afternoon.
The snow is melting and the sun is shining. I sit here and look out the window wondering what Pete would have done with this day. Would he be sitting at the table with Aryanna making a new piece of jewelry to sell. Playing trains or drawing with Petey. And I wonder what he would be doing with Chase Leo. Reading to him. Wrestling with him. Or feeding him some new concoction that he cooked up in the kitchen. I think of how the house would feel, how would it sound? I sit here and miss him.
It seems the more I move forward the more I wonder about things. The future before that seemed so bleak and impossible seems to have some clearer lines and pictures. People that have come into my life. Bringing with them more questions and yet a bit of happiness. The grief that has started to sit in the passenger's seat and move closer to the door. Instead of always being the driver. It's on these days when I remember something that I want to just pull him so close to me. To take a line from a song. " To reach back in the past and whisper in your ear, oh darling I wish you were here" (Owl City-Vanilla Twilight) Yet knowing that in this moment I can't. But I have my memories those memories so fresh and so real. That i feel if I could just stand still long enough I could really feel them again. Wanting to, begging to and yet knowing I still can't. So in this new crazy life.. I have these moments like today that seem intangible to those on the outside or recently becoming the inside. There are no comforting words to say. Just sit with me, Share my space. Let me feel safe in your presence to re live, re- breath. To take in remembering the beautiful life, love and laughter that we once had. And hoping and praying that with the spring brings newness, re-birth, and new life. That on the other side there is peace, hope love and laughter once again. For this Crazy red haired lady and the beautiful, and wonderful children that I am so completely blessed with.
How worried I was about leaving Aryanna to have Petey. I had never left her over night before. Worried about how she would handle having a new baby brother. So scared about having to walk back to the OR and lie on the table willingly as they opened me up to get my beautiful baby boy. The pride on Pete's face the first time he looked at his son. How I kept asking him if he looked like his name so I wouldn't have to hear what the doctor's were talking about while putting me all "back together". The way Petey felt in my arms. The way Pete held him so close and so tenderly. And the memory of how holding Petey and looking at his new baby boy brought tears to his eyes. My Pete so tough on the outside and so tender and sweet on the inside. Touched by his son's hand and that feeling of never wanting to let go... Yet little did either of them, let alone all of us know. What was to come.
It's those memories that I know are blessings in disguise. No matter how much they hurt to remember. How much they take my breath away as if all the air has been sucked out of my lungs just to look that close at one small and yet monumental memory. The hurt, the pain of losing him and never being able to touch him, see his smiling face look at me again. His smiling face that doesn't get to see and physically feel his children's touch. And vice versa. The feelings of being completely lost and lonely. I sit here on my couch and look at A and P. I can hold them so close, to kiss their sweet faces and yet I probably don't as much as I could or should. The feelings of being so tired and just wanting some time away. And yet feeling the loneliness ever so present on this Sunday afternoon.
The snow is melting and the sun is shining. I sit here and look out the window wondering what Pete would have done with this day. Would he be sitting at the table with Aryanna making a new piece of jewelry to sell. Playing trains or drawing with Petey. And I wonder what he would be doing with Chase Leo. Reading to him. Wrestling with him. Or feeding him some new concoction that he cooked up in the kitchen. I think of how the house would feel, how would it sound? I sit here and miss him.
It seems the more I move forward the more I wonder about things. The future before that seemed so bleak and impossible seems to have some clearer lines and pictures. People that have come into my life. Bringing with them more questions and yet a bit of happiness. The grief that has started to sit in the passenger's seat and move closer to the door. Instead of always being the driver. It's on these days when I remember something that I want to just pull him so close to me. To take a line from a song. " To reach back in the past and whisper in your ear, oh darling I wish you were here" (Owl City-Vanilla Twilight) Yet knowing that in this moment I can't. But I have my memories those memories so fresh and so real. That i feel if I could just stand still long enough I could really feel them again. Wanting to, begging to and yet knowing I still can't. So in this new crazy life.. I have these moments like today that seem intangible to those on the outside or recently becoming the inside. There are no comforting words to say. Just sit with me, Share my space. Let me feel safe in your presence to re live, re- breath. To take in remembering the beautiful life, love and laughter that we once had. And hoping and praying that with the spring brings newness, re-birth, and new life. That on the other side there is peace, hope love and laughter once again. For this Crazy red haired lady and the beautiful, and wonderful children that I am so completely blessed with.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Crazy Letters..
Dear Pete,
Why did you leave me here? I know, I have told you over and over again that I understand that you had to go, and I understand that your body wore out. But on the flip side. I can't understand it. So I ask again. Why did you leave me here? You broke my heart. No, I mean really broke it. You reached in and ripped it out of my chest. Stomped on it and then gave it back. Now I am left here on this plane to carry it around. Its' heavy and it hurts And it often bleeds for no reason. You ruined me. I can't love anyone. I feel incapable of love. . And I can't let anyone love me!! You set the bar so Damn high that no one, can ever be you. I want to take a knife and physically cut it out of my body. To reach in and pull out this horrid awful pain. It's like a a ball of utter and complete hurt, that no one can understand. Unless they have lost a spouse. There is no amount of covering it up. There is no amount of stuffing it away. It chokes me.,I'ts like someone is constantly pummeling me in the stomach and I have gotten so used to it that I have become numb to it. I can't eat. Sleeping feels pointless. I just chase you around all night looking for you in my dreams and I never find you. Why did you leave me here?
I am raising our kids. Your kids. You said Forever. Where is my forever? I hate myself. I hate this life. I hate it all. I want to scream so Loud that the earth shakes. I needed you!!! I have three children. 3. and One lonely me!! I hate you for leaving me here. Dead is dead. You are gone. and I am here and we are here. My children have no father. None!! And no one will ever be able to be what you were to them. There isn't a being out there who could love them the way you did. Do you hurt too? Do you cry too? Do you hate that you are there and I am here? Tell me, damn you!!
What am I supposed to do now. Date? fall in love? For what? I had it all. The house, the kids, the wonderful and adoring husband. and Now I have the house, the kids and no one to share it with. The constant doing it alone. I am always a mom. Always!!! So many people say that is the best thing in the whole world. They are right but it is the hardest thing in the whole world and to do it without my soul mate well just shoot me.
Do you hear me? Every single detail of out life together is so clear. Every fight, every kiss, and every moment that I prayed for you to live and then watched you die. Every thing. and I am just supposed to figure it out. To keep going? to find love again? Have you lost your ever loving mind? You, are supposed to be here with me. By my side, to hold my hand to help with the kids, to teach Petey to be a man. To hold your baby boy in your arms. To love your daughter and have her want to marry you when she gets big. All those things that Daddy's are supposed to do with their kids. And what about all those things that Husbands do with their wives. To hold me, love me.,be with me. Where is that? Gone.
I loved you more than breath. My whole world was you and our kids and the life we were making for ourselves. You ruined me. You broke my heart. You kicked me in the gut and left me to bleed. How do you feel now? There is nothing left.
I keep going, and I keep waking up every morning and I keep pasting on a smile and yelling to myself "today is better. Today i will let someone love me. Today I will let someone in. Today I will accept me and this new life." And I can tell myself that and I can tell everyone else that. But no one knows the truth. I don't even let myself know the truth. You left me here to figure it all out. Thanks. and WTF.
You said Forever? I know we weren't perfect. But we were pretty damn close. I don't know Roo, I hope you are happy where you are. I hope you feel whole and light filled. I hate the mess you left. But, I love you enough to let you go. Damn you I let you go... This is not how it was supposed to Go!
Dear God,
GOD why did you take him from me!!! Why did you do it? IF everything is a lesson then get on with it.
Please, Please, just take the pain away. The sick, empty, disease of loss and yuck that is so indescribable. Bring me someone to love me like he did. To love my kids. You took the best. So give me second best. I have hit a new kind of rock bottom,. I don't like it here. Can you die from hurting too much? I don't know how to be any other way. My intensity on life, my intensity on love and in love. Pete could always handle it. It wasn't too much for him. I am who I am. But You took the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. Without him I wouldn't have the amazing children that I have. Together Pete and I were a team. In life, in love, in raising kids. Now there is no team. It's just me. and I fear so often that is not enough. I want more. But how? You did this, so fix it. Show me the light? Show me the love? Show me that I am not too much to take on. Help me see the woman that Pete loved so much. It's been almost 15 months. The longest, nightmare of my life.
So.. now what? I don't know. Will the bleeding one day cease altogether? I don't know. Will the beatings ever stop? I hope so. For now, I guess I will write my letters in hopes that someone will hear me. That being strangled and choked will no longer take place. That the magic in me will spark again. That love and happiness will spill out of my house and hearts of my children and I. That I will remember to accept love and be loved. In whatever form that may be.
Why did you leave me here? I know, I have told you over and over again that I understand that you had to go, and I understand that your body wore out. But on the flip side. I can't understand it. So I ask again. Why did you leave me here? You broke my heart. No, I mean really broke it. You reached in and ripped it out of my chest. Stomped on it and then gave it back. Now I am left here on this plane to carry it around. Its' heavy and it hurts And it often bleeds for no reason. You ruined me. I can't love anyone. I feel incapable of love. . And I can't let anyone love me!! You set the bar so Damn high that no one, can ever be you. I want to take a knife and physically cut it out of my body. To reach in and pull out this horrid awful pain. It's like a a ball of utter and complete hurt, that no one can understand. Unless they have lost a spouse. There is no amount of covering it up. There is no amount of stuffing it away. It chokes me.,I'ts like someone is constantly pummeling me in the stomach and I have gotten so used to it that I have become numb to it. I can't eat. Sleeping feels pointless. I just chase you around all night looking for you in my dreams and I never find you. Why did you leave me here?
I am raising our kids. Your kids. You said Forever. Where is my forever? I hate myself. I hate this life. I hate it all. I want to scream so Loud that the earth shakes. I needed you!!! I have three children. 3. and One lonely me!! I hate you for leaving me here. Dead is dead. You are gone. and I am here and we are here. My children have no father. None!! And no one will ever be able to be what you were to them. There isn't a being out there who could love them the way you did. Do you hurt too? Do you cry too? Do you hate that you are there and I am here? Tell me, damn you!!
What am I supposed to do now. Date? fall in love? For what? I had it all. The house, the kids, the wonderful and adoring husband. and Now I have the house, the kids and no one to share it with. The constant doing it alone. I am always a mom. Always!!! So many people say that is the best thing in the whole world. They are right but it is the hardest thing in the whole world and to do it without my soul mate well just shoot me.
Do you hear me? Every single detail of out life together is so clear. Every fight, every kiss, and every moment that I prayed for you to live and then watched you die. Every thing. and I am just supposed to figure it out. To keep going? to find love again? Have you lost your ever loving mind? You, are supposed to be here with me. By my side, to hold my hand to help with the kids, to teach Petey to be a man. To hold your baby boy in your arms. To love your daughter and have her want to marry you when she gets big. All those things that Daddy's are supposed to do with their kids. And what about all those things that Husbands do with their wives. To hold me, love me.,be with me. Where is that? Gone.
I loved you more than breath. My whole world was you and our kids and the life we were making for ourselves. You ruined me. You broke my heart. You kicked me in the gut and left me to bleed. How do you feel now? There is nothing left.
I keep going, and I keep waking up every morning and I keep pasting on a smile and yelling to myself "today is better. Today i will let someone love me. Today I will let someone in. Today I will accept me and this new life." And I can tell myself that and I can tell everyone else that. But no one knows the truth. I don't even let myself know the truth. You left me here to figure it all out. Thanks. and WTF.
You said Forever? I know we weren't perfect. But we were pretty damn close. I don't know Roo, I hope you are happy where you are. I hope you feel whole and light filled. I hate the mess you left. But, I love you enough to let you go. Damn you I let you go... This is not how it was supposed to Go!
Dear God,
GOD why did you take him from me!!! Why did you do it? IF everything is a lesson then get on with it.
Please, Please, just take the pain away. The sick, empty, disease of loss and yuck that is so indescribable. Bring me someone to love me like he did. To love my kids. You took the best. So give me second best. I have hit a new kind of rock bottom,. I don't like it here. Can you die from hurting too much? I don't know how to be any other way. My intensity on life, my intensity on love and in love. Pete could always handle it. It wasn't too much for him. I am who I am. But You took the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. Without him I wouldn't have the amazing children that I have. Together Pete and I were a team. In life, in love, in raising kids. Now there is no team. It's just me. and I fear so often that is not enough. I want more. But how? You did this, so fix it. Show me the light? Show me the love? Show me that I am not too much to take on. Help me see the woman that Pete loved so much. It's been almost 15 months. The longest, nightmare of my life.
So.. now what? I don't know. Will the bleeding one day cease altogether? I don't know. Will the beatings ever stop? I hope so. For now, I guess I will write my letters in hopes that someone will hear me. That being strangled and choked will no longer take place. That the magic in me will spark again. That love and happiness will spill out of my house and hearts of my children and I. That I will remember to accept love and be loved. In whatever form that may be.
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