Too Crazy?

Is there such a thing as "too Crazy?" Too many thoughts, too many. memories, just too many... Yet another "Memory " came and went. Mothers Day. Seriously?  It doesn't ever seem to be about Mothers. Because really the Mothers, end up doing all the work. It's all the preparing, to make sure that other "Mothers" have a nice time. And you know that all those" Mothers" had to get their families ready to go.  To Mothers day lunch, brunch,  Dinner. You name it. But it was the" Mothers" that held the family in check, to make sure that everyone got to where they were supposed to be. With that said. There are moments though usually throughout the day that we "Mothers" get a moment of gratitude. Weather it's through the beautiful smile that our child gives us. With a big hug, yelling " Happy Mothers Day!!" or  a wonderful brother in law who works so hard to share his "talent" with his in-law mothers, and sisters, and Grandmothers. He cooked a magnificent meal for the mothers. He of course being the shy one that he is, would never accept applause or being fussed over for delighting us "Mothers" in a lovely dinner. Especially one that didn't consist of something ending in "nuggets" or "sticks" or even "n-cheese!"
  There were many moment though for me throughout the day that I remembered past Mothers Days.  Yes, I still did the getting ready of husband and kids. But what I missed were the wonderful things that Pete would do. Make me breakfast,  help the kids make cards for Mommy. He would let me sleep just a bit longer... He would manage the kids while I put my  makeup on  in peace.  It was these little things that I remembered. And missed... Along with that fact that were it not for Pete, I wouldn't have Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo.  A few days before I was at my daughters school and her class had a "Mothers Day Tea". She and her classmates put on a little show for us. With songs and dancing and even a story. Of course I cried. Not only because she was my daughter. But b/c she was getting so big, and how he would have loved to physically have seen her. It was also realizing that no matter how much I tried to smooth over or even over look Mothers Day. I tried my best in my mind not to make a big deal out of it. It felt easier that way. But what it came down to, was that no matter how much I tried to pretend that it wasn't really coming up, It still was. And I would have to face it.  To my kids it wasn't a big deal. They wouldn't know the significance of that day. Petey is 4 and CL being a whole 15 months. They don't know that on this day we celebrate the Mommies.  It may sound selfish but to them it was any other day. It was Pete who would have made it "Mommy Day".
  On Saturday a friend dropped off some stuff for the kids. telling me that it was some stuff for A,P and CL that they had talked about. She told me to have Aryanna call her when she got home from her play-date so they could talk. Aryanna was such a big girl. She talked on the phone. And told Petey, not to "tell" Mommy about the surprise. It was very exciting to see Aryanna in that take charge role. Doing such a "big" girl thing.  On Sunday, I did have to remind her that she had a surprise for Mommy. And her eyes lit up and she was so excited!! I can tell you that I am so grateful to my friend for asking the kids, and helping them, get me a little s something. I know that Pete was proud and happy that she did that too. Really, that was how Pete was. He would have gone and taken the kids to get me just a little something that was from them. Like little pieces of their personality. By having her do that with them made me feel like it wasn't just another day. and to know that to Aryanna it wasn't just another day either. How big she is getting. How much I know that Pete is so so proud of her!!
  Even still I continued not to think about the day. I enjoyed my time with the kids. We watched cartoons together. and then later it was off to my dads for the gourmet dinner made by my brother in law. So I had those things to look forward to. Sort of fill in the gaps. Where I felt them to be empty. However it was today that the tears started to fall. The memories hit me in the gut. That feeling again of "remembering" how things were. How past events had been and felt. How if only he had lived.. Those moments of feeling him so close that if I could just reach out far enough to touch his face.. but its always too far. I am lucky though that I can feel his "presence" so close to me. That even though he is not Physically here in this house. he still is.. I know, Too crazy right?
  I was talking to a girlfriend of mine who has experienced loss herself. And she said that for her, she tries to  "Live a life that has a positive impact." She says "I try to make the most of my times here. Always trying to keep in mind, that He didn't get to. It brings me peace to have experiences for him so to speak. That when milestones come and go, I am sad that he can't be here for them, but I am glad that I can live them for him." To hear her say this put things in a new perspective for me. My thing recently has been to take all the beautiful things that he taught me about myself, about life, about being a mother. And roll them into a ball and carry it with me. Trying to mold it into me. Which I can still do. and will do. But to take the way she finds peace and add it to mine... Maybe, just maybe it won't be "too Crazy." It won't feel so Crazy.  It's unfortunate that she and I have both had such a big loss at such young times in our lives. And yet a blessing. How can so many things, be so bittersweet?
   I know I can't solve all of my grief and all of my kids grief overnight. How I wish I could. Aryanna has been asking so many questions about Daddy. I think for her, she is needing to remember. Needing to physically be able to remember them happening. Not just a story that she heard. I hate to think that My kids will ever forget him. I like to think that with their "Elephant memories" they won't. But so often I have been told that they will. I don't want them too. I want them to forget those moments when I told them that daddy wasn't coming home. to forget all the insane that happened after he passed, before the baby was born. After the baby was born. those first few weeks... I know, I worry too much. Yet it is these thoughts that have been plaguing me. Again, too many thoughts, too many memories..and not enough sleep. The lack of sleep combined with the sinus infection that I have makes everything seem so..well, crazy is the only way to put it. Sometimes it's these moments that the world feels as though it is standing still. I guess really its just that my world feels as though it is standing still. Wondering again if it is passing me by. My hope is that it isn't. That it is just these few crazy moments that time stops.
   So the world will go on spinning. I will get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. Realizing that "life" is better. I will find the joy in my children's laughter. I will raise my eyes to the sky, nod my head, and say "Thanks Roo, Roo."

Whats with those Crazy Milestones?

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. One minute I was yelling, the next I was crying. Then happy and laughing and finally back to yelling and now crying. Today is Petey's fourth birthday. I look at my son, his fathers exact replica and I weep. So proud of my little man and so sad that his daddy is not here to physically see it! I remember four years ago today. I was so happy. I was also so nervous. I was raised with all women and what was I going to do with a boy. But once I held him in my arms I knew it didn't matter. I loved him. I think back to those first few moments and I remember the way Pete held Petey so close. He was so proud to have a son. His son. Why God? Just Why? And really does it matter. He is not here and I am. I know, I know, I am so blessed to have three beautiful children that have their Daddy's blood running through them. But still.
  My heart is heavy tonight. I am sad. I sat on the floor or Aryanna's room tonight as we sang prayers. and the one song that Pete always liked to sing popped into my head. I had stopped singing it b/c it was just to hard. But I thought, "tonight, I will sing it for Petey". I made it half way through and started to cry. I couldn't finish. I sat and held Chase Leo on my lap and rocked him. I felt like In those moments I was going through my own private hell. Made just for me. I needed Chase Leo's little body close to my heart. So I could feel his sweet baby skin next to mine. Aryanna, and Petey, had fallen asleep. So they couldn't hear my silent tears. I kept thinking how sad I was that Pete never got to hold Chase Leo. In his big strong arms. How today he didn't get to marvel at his big little Petey. I sit and I wonder, What am I doing?...
  I have been struggling with Petey. He needs his Daddy. Damnit he needs his Daddy!!!  I know part of Petey's behavior is being four, but at times I feel like I lack in so many ways. It's hard to be a Daddy to a little boy when you are just the Mommy. I need Pete to help me. I feel that maybe the reason Petey is so head strong is my fault. Things just fell apart after Pete passed. I mean Petey was only 2 and a half!  What does he remember of his Mommy... So many things that I let slide. Because I didn't have the energy to argue. I just didn't know how to do it any other way. and Now am I paying for it? Is it just Petey?  I don't know. I keep having these feelings that if Pete was here he would have all the answers? That he would do it better? But would he have the answers? Could he do it better?
  I don't know. Are these thoughts normal? rational? I know that I havent' slept well in too many nights. Chase Leo is getting tow teeth in, therefore not sleeping. So Mommy is not sleeping. Is it lack of sleep. On top of that Last Tuesday was our would have been anniversary. It would have been 8 years.   To many milestones all in a row. April 21st was 17 months since Pete has passed. April 26th our would have been anniversary. May 2, Petey's birthday. and finally May 9 Mothers Day.  Sometimes it's too much. How do I just keep going.
  I just keep thinking if I can just get through another night. Get up in the morning. And hopefully one of these morning Aryanna will be on time for school. I trudge on. What choice is there. another day, another time out, another load of laundry, endless bills to pay, and more worries upon worries. Plus the big one how much am I really messing up my kids. I don't feel that I give them enough of my undivided attention. I am always in four otheter places,  And still I wonder if Pete was here with me would he do it better?  Would Aryanna still be late for school? Would the bills still pile up? Would Petey still be so argumentative? Would Aryanna still be so anxious? would I? And what of Chase Leo, He at least would know his Daddy.  What of these thoughts.. lack of sleep? Missing Pete? or just too many milestones in a row? Maybe all of them. Or maybe yet another way of grieving. I don't know.
   I know that in this moment I am not supposed to have all the answers. But I want them. I want to know that I am not doing it wrong. That Pete wold not do it better. Is that selfish?  That in this moment I am doing the best that I can. However I feel that that best is just not enough.. With this day the way it went, was maybe not the "best" fourth birthday that he could have had. between Mommy's many crying spells. My hope is that he will remember his new bike, his train cake, and his new Thomas movie. But Petey being Petey, and as sensitive as he is. Nothing gets by him.... And yet again. I wonder "Would Pete do it better"/
   The answer is still the same.. "I don't know."  I guess that I just have to chalk it up to being yet another "Crazy Milestone" another moments or moments that I survived. That in this day there was laughter, there was silliness. To remember the kids and I were surrounded in people who love us, and care for us. Who may not always understand  why I am the way I am. Or why I think the way I do. I hope that in the years, and Birthdays to come. That my tears will be less. That if the tears do fall.. it will be accepted and loved and kissed away. That on Petey's next birthday I can look to the heavens and Thank Pete for the wonderful gift that he gave me. This life. However not perfect. But Crazy, just the way it is supposed to be. 

A little Crazy...

There are moments When the memory of Pete is so real, I could just reach out and touch him. Like today. There was a dad walking across the street. He was young, married. He moved in just before Pete got sick. I am  not even sure we even got a chance to meet him and his family together. As I drove past him, I instantly saw Pete walking across the street in the same manner. He was wearing his favorite khaki shorts and his purple polo. He was so close. So close.  I sat in Bible study tonight listening to a woman talk about missing her son, who passed in his teens. How she couldn't believe it had been 5 years since she had seen him.  It's in these moments when I physically feel like Pete could walk across the street any minute that I too can't believe this is happening. Like can't I just wake up?
   I sat down at my computer tonight with the intent of staying positive. Trying my best to see his life in the positive. To celebrate the man and not look at the life that was lost too soon. I put the computer on my lap and burst into a million tears. Sobbing, that I missed him so much. I am working at it. Really truly trying my best to stay grounded and not look too far into the future. Thats when the anxiety comes in. As if to remind me that nothing lasts forever. Even in this moment of sadness. I can take comfort, that it will pass. I can and do eventually stop crying. I do see the positive. And I do remember.
 My anniversary is next Tuesday. The 26th of April. My" friend" suggested we go out to dinner.  He said " Let's do something fun!" I was surprised, but grateful. Because really I had no idea what I was "going to do" That sinking feeling that "Oh no, another year without him has passed. Now what?" Instead, he is helping me to see the positive. Or what I want to move forward into. To celebrate Pete. The gift that he is/was. To look for the positive inn each day. And not the constant " Oh my gosh, this is what my life has become..." However Even though I strive for that I am realistic, that there will be moments like now where no matter how grateful I am that I am not in that place of barely surviving but that I really do just miss him so much.
  I go back to the "How can this be?" moment. The man walking across the street. The waiting for him to come around the corner..The wanting to just reach out far enough to touch him.. And it makes me wonder. It makes this grief this pain so real, again. All over again.
   I miss you Roo, Roo. I know, I always will. But I want to celebrate you too Roo. and I do, and I will. But for now in this moment. I really wish you were here...

Crazy Mommy tears...

Today feels like one of those days. Where it has hit me full force. He isn't here. He is not away on a business trip. My heart it hurts tonight. So many moments today were full of being mad at him for leaving me here. Moments where I realized just how little Aryanna and Petey were. How it's no wonder they hate hospitals. Since the last time they saw their Daddy alive He was walking into a hospital and never came back home to them.
 So many tears for him today. So many tears for the life that once was. And so many of those dumb questions and answers that go around and around in my head. "I would't be here, if he would have lived." Things wouldn't be this hard if only..." I know it doesn't do me any good. It just causes more tears to flow.
  Today, I felt like my kids were out of control. I feel like their being this way they are is my fault. If Pete was here to help maybe they wouldn't be so crazy. Maybe he could do it better. They know how to push me, until I snap. I keep thinking if, only I could spend more time with them and see them for the wonder that they are. And not be so frustrated with them all the time. They must think I am the worlds crankiest Mommy ever. So often people tell me I am doing such a good job. When I really want to shout.. No, you don't see us at home.  If only I wasn't so tired, I could read the parenting books, and figure out how to do it differently. They need their Daddy!
  Today, I just don't feel good enough. Maybe if I was thinking rationally I would see some really great things in my children. Or some really great things that I did, that they have in them. I just have "The bad mommy Blues" tonight. Feeling that I am not patient enough with them. And that i get too frustrated too quickly. Plus the missing Pete, and trying to figure out why I feel like I have lost him all over again. I know, I know. I just need to relax and try not to stuff the whole elephant in my mouth at once. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.
 Maybe it has to do with the changing of the seasons. I love spring. It's my favorite. Thats why I picked it. To get married in the spring. This is also the month that Pete and I would have been married for 8 years.  I don't know why I feel so inadequate today. Not enough sleep, too much grief, too many worries? I don't know. Over thinking and being too emotional or what so many men call "just being a woman." Thanks Guys! cause really what's so bad about being emotional. It propels you forward, it gets things done. Emotions change the world and break it all at the same time.
  Anyway, I am full of tears. They run down my cheeks, and dry out my skin. My eyes burn, my heart hurts. Feeling a bit empty and full of contradictions tonight. I want to go and lie in bed with Aryanna and Petey and hold them close. But I don't want them to wake up and come and sleep with me. I want to snuggle with Chase Leo but I don't want him to cry and keep  me awake. I want to breathe in their sweet smelling skin, but don't want them all to be on top of me asking me a million questions that I don't have the answers too.  Like when Petey says " Mommy, Chase Leo is calling for Daddy." What am I supposed to say to that? I don't know.  That feeling of wanting to be with them and wanting them to just leave me alone for half a second. These tears just feel like Crazy Mommy tears. crazy widow tears,crazy realizations tears, and just plain crazy.
 Bad Mommy? Good Mommy..ummm Too tired Mommy. Worn out Mommy. Crazy Mommy?  I don't know.. Maybe it was just that kind of day to let the tears that I so often have kept in. Grief, anxiety, Worry, rage and feelings of being inadequate.  Thats what you get when your crazy...

Crazy random and yet new awakenings...

If I hear one more person tell me that they understand my pain. I am going to shout!!! If you have not lost a spouse then you don't get it!. Thats it. You just don't get it. The pain and loss of losing a child is horrid. I can't imagine it. But I would not stand there and tell you that I understand, because I don't. Instead I understand your grief. There are similarities in grief and loss. But everyones loss is completely different. If you have lost your grandparents it is completely not even in the same category as the loss of a spouse, parent or a child. Its just not. The. Same.
  My mother in law gave me this beautiful book called " Letter to a Grieving Heart" It was such a good book that I stood in my driveway and read the whole thing. However it brought up many things that i didn't want to remember right now. But then there is never a "good" time to remember things right? Doesn't it always seem that when you are grieving or in severe pain, people crawl or run to you. But if say you are down in the dumps or having a hard day.. then it feels like I just have to suck it up and deal. He is never coming back. End of story. However the pain remains the same. It hurts the day he died and it hurts today. I may not feel like slitting my wrists today but I still hurt for him. Something, that no one can understand unless again you have lost your spouse, your child, the love of your life. What gets me so frustrated at times is that not only did I lose the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and husband. I lost all of those people, that made up one person in 3 1/2 very short weeks. And sometimes I just want to shout "Really...???" I can't get my best friend back. Ever. That man that made up Pete is just not coming back.
  No one  will ever replace him. But Someone, could see me, possibly even catch a glimpse of the me that Pete loved so much. But yet even then. The "friend" can't understand the loss. And wouldn't know where to begin. But is it possible to ask them to try? Is that fair? Will the "friend" feel competition for my affection. Between a dead man, friend, spouse, lover, and father. Is that too much to ask? Is it worth it?
  Its the constant frustration. I stand and look at my situation and think "Um.. yeah, there is no way anyone would want this.." Me ? Yes I think they could/would want me. But it's three kids. They then have to find the love and acceptance of three beautiful and adoring children. Who are protective of me, of each other and still grieve the loss of their Daddy. It feels constricting and suffocating. Then I want to Shout "But I am worth it! I know we are!" Aren't we? We are healing, and we are seeing the light. We are allowing another in to the secret space...
  Still it keeps coming back. The roadblock. Maybe it's not that. Maybe the right person wouldn't see it as that. That this ache, this pain and suffering was part of the journey. That we chose. I know that I am not incapable of love,. I do feel at times that I am incapable of accepting it. Even as I write that it feels like a contradiction. What have i been wanting.. someone to love me. Hold me and tell me that this pain is over. I know, I know, it will never be completely over it will just heal. and the memories remain.  That beauty and that joy, of that life, I had before. I can embrace it. Mourn the loss of it. But yet be grateful for it. That life, that Man that I so completely loved taught me so many things about life, friendship, parenting and just sheer joy that I might never have known.  It's taking all those things that Pete gave to me and trying to fit them into the being I was then, and mold it into the being I am becoming. Is it possible?  Yet I question myself and my motives. I can pour out the love, but why can't I let it in. As if I am punishing myself for some reason. Because Pete is not here. I punish myself because I lived and he didn't. And thats what it comes too. So irrational. I know. But it's a sudden realization that has just come to me in this very moment.
  I have met someone. Someone who has made me feel alive. I thought I was dead. And I started to look around and realize that I wasn't. It is a weird feeling. I am breathing. I am living in this life, right now. Wide awake. I have a pulse, my blood flows freely through out my body and my heart pumps. I have three beautiful children, who know happiness and laughter. And Yet I don't think I knew that. Yet I hold back. It's me. When I thought it was this new "friend". yes he too does hold back. And for God's sake why wouldn't he. But I hold back too. I know what you are thinking. "Of course you hold back you lost your spouse, what did you think would happen when you found someone else? That you could go back?"  My answer is that No, rationally I knew that I could not got back. And I have my eyes wide open. I think it's my heart that maybe not as open. While I do have feeling for him. that I thought at first was so strange. Why? I mean I am married for God's sakes. But No, I am not. Pete is Physically not here. By law, I am a widow. I have the papers that say so.
  The craziness of it all... Is telling myself that I had no problem letting this person in. saying" It is what it is." And yet still realizing that I am punishing myself for living. Something a well rounded, optimistic person doesn't do. Or shouldn't. Or at least thats What I feel on the inside. I know my Pete. He would not be happy to know that I feel I should punish myself for feeling happy with someone else. I have spread my arms out and said "take it or leave it".  "friend" wants to take it. I know, if I was sane I wouldn't' say Why? but still Why? I can't help it. I can give, but I can't receive. And there's the big question. Am I a lost cause? I don't know... Should I know?  By the way for those of you who know me well know that I don't do anything half way. It's all or nothing. So for me to stand on the edge and try to be careful is hard. But , I am careful for my kids. And I have tried to push really hard recently and I get no where but anxious. So, apparently being careful is the best way to do it. You can bet that I won't be in a white dress tomorrow if that is what you are worried about.
  So now what. Take life as it comes? Yeah OK. And? What about all the questions? It's coming to that place where I can see that there really is life out there. Which sounds so damn stupid. As if I am that Reba MacEntire song. I just don't know how to say it, I know you all are shocked!!  But here is a quote that I just read that says it perfectly:
 " How do you drag a heavy, frozen heart around every day and night? It's exhausting. Like a fever. But cold. And you think you will never feel very much again. Except pain." (Letter to a grieving Heart ~ Billy Sprague)

  That's what it's like. However now, My heart is starting to thaw. It feels. It warms. It breaths. It beats. Its loved. This heart that only knew how to bleed and cry and bleed some more. This heart that is learning to heal and let someone else in. It's confusing. It's frustrating. It's happy. It's sad, It's grieving. How can I feel all those things at one time and still want more. I want it all. I want the kids to feel complete joy. I am not saying that I need this friend to feel whole. It's that I am becoming aware that I am whole even without Pete. I am whole weather I ever love again or not. That feeling or realizing that I can take all those things that Pete taught me and the ones I learned in grief and put them together to BE, Whole!! TO be whole with the kids. And if I can see that right now, then I owe it to myself to receive too. Right? That I am worth it, That Pete thinks I am worth it. That this new "Friend" thinks I am worth it. That I owe it to my kids to teach and show them that we are worth it.  I mean I have no doubt that they are worthy of it. They are beautiful and wonderful little beings. Demanding.. but worthy. Yet it's me that stands on the edge and questions weather I am worthy of it. It's in these moments that I put this all together. That  it start to settle into my mind, my heart, my body.  And it make me wonder?
   This post has been insightful, not just to you. But to me the author. There are still questions that remain, and yet new awakenings that settle into my new "being". Guess we will all have to see what crazy adventure the kids and I have next. And what crazy things will I think or evaluate about myself. What a crazy journey this is...
 

Crazy "Daddy" Moments...

To me it seems there are certain things that little boys need that only a Daddy can offer. I mean Mommy can only do so much. Say for example Rough Housing. Yes, Mommy can wrestle their boys but only to a certain point. There is just some things that "Daddy's" do better. The other one is sports. I know there are many, many, woman who are very good at sports and excel at them. I , however am not one of them.  I can ride a horse and I can play baseball. But, to teach my son anything about sports is not my expertise. I was raised by musicians.   My mom was very, very, I do mean very, girlie. So therefore when she was blessed with three little girls she created us all in her image. My dad was into sports but, I would not say he was an active participant.  The only thing I remember my dad doing well where sports was concerned. was Tennis. He loves Tennis and Horseback riding. So, when he and my mom were married and he had only girls, there are three things he taught us to do. 1. Ride a horse, 2.Shoot a gun, 3. Play tennis. However that being said. One has to be athletic in order to play tennis. And if you have three very girlie girls, the chances are slim that any of them will be that athletic. But I can proudly say that if push came to shove I could probably play tennis, not well or gracefully but I could. I am also a fantastic horsewoman and I don't miss my target.
  However back to being a boy, I am not. I am a Mommy. I could teach Petey to ride a horse, but not play tennis. I don't really know the first thing about football. Although I do like to watch it. I understand it enough to watch it, but get all confused about what makes it a first down... I can teach Petey about art, and music. But would not have any clue as to where to begin with say hockey for example. I was watching him today with his Abuelo (Pete's Dad) They were outside playing T-Ball. Pete Sr. was giving him pointers on where and how to hold the bat. Petey, is just like his Daddy. If a ball is involved you can bet he will master it. I am grateful for Abuelo for showing Petey the things he needs to know. But at the same time I feel sad and empty that his Daddy isn't here to show him how. Pete would have loved that. Even now as I sit here on my couch I can see his smile and hear his laughter. As he would marvel at Petey and the things that his "little boy" can do.
  But it's not just the sports. I mean, Pete was going to teach Aryanna about cars. (That is another thing that I don't know much about either.) Not saying that I can't learn.. I suppose I could . But it was Pete's job. He was supposed to be here to do these things for his children. To share with them. To share his hobbies, his talents, his gifts. It feels to me that they are missing out. They are missing out on so many things and it just doesn't seem right!! When Pete was alive, Aryanna already knew about the transmission. We were in the car and she said " Mommy you need to put that stick on the N like Daddy does. He said it's b/c the the transmission is slipping!" She was like 3 and a half. Petey is 3 and a half and doesn't know that. Who is going to teach him that? Aryanna used to be so balanced in liking both the so called "boy things" and "girl things." Now it's just girl things. cause there is no "boy" here to teach her.
  I know I am sure you are thinking. Well Pete's not here , why don't you figure it out. And I guess At this point I don't want to. I want Pete to do it. But he can't, and that just doesn't seem right. I never thought I would be one of those people as an adult to say "It's just not fair." But really lets be honest, "It's just NOT fair!!"  What must it be like for A and P to see Daddy's with their kids at the park. I am realistic and realize that even kids who have Daddy's in their lives are not always active "Daddy's" Or, that their are lots of single mom's doing the "Daddy" job too. B/c in reality there are a lot of deadbeats out there. On the flip side though there are a lot of really, really great Daddy's.
  I do realize as well, that Petey won't grow up not knowing how to play football, or soccer, or even Tennis for that matter. He will get guidance from somewhere. It's just not where I wanted it to come from. Where Petey would have wanted, or needed it to come from. It's in these little moments that I realized how much Pete is missing out. Aryanna and Petey are missing out. I do realize that it's temporary this feeling of missing out. I just wish it wasn't this way. Is that part of grieving? realizing it? Yet accepting it and seeing the rational side too? Knowing that it won't be forever but still having to feel it. That feeling of missing out.
   For me I hate to go to a big park where lots of families are together all playing. The sight of the little girl squealing with laughter as her Daddy pushes her so high on the swing. Or the Little boy yelling " Daddy look I caught it!" Or the intimate way that Mommy looks at Daddy over the heads of their children sharing a moment of pride and joy. It's me, looking at my kids faces watching and waiting as they too absorb all that is going on around them. That look of longing, and searching for him in the crowd. Like if they could just look hard enough they would see Pete emerge from the other side of the park.  It's me pasting on a smile and pulling them behind me trying to pretend that it will be so much fun.. Just wait and see.. It's me wondering how am I going to keep track of all three of them. Who is going to play catch with Petey? How will I push Aryanna on the swing, and try and keep all the mulch out of Chase Leo's mouth. I want that family scene, I want that back. It's that frustration of knowing that I still grieve for it.  That impatient side of me that is stomping her foot yelling "I will not be that woman at the park." You know the one who stands off to the side, with the sad and empty smile. While her kids run in all different directions and she doesn't know which one to go after first.
  I know I have to find the peace in myself to accept it. That this is my life now. But I can dream. And I can pray that God brings me a man that Pete would love, his kids and his wife loving. A man who can Love A, P and CL like they were his own . Yet being OK with the fact that they are not biologically his. A man who can be that Daddy type for A, P and CL. To share in those intimate moments between father and son, father and daughter. And even those intimate smiles between a Mommy and a Daddy, of pride and joy.  Sometimes there seems to be so much gray area, so much red tape. The hopeless romantic in me that wants to just shout "Love will conquer all!"  Love will accept the crazy, the uncertain, the grey area, the red tape. Love will bypass the confusion in "I am not your Daddy, I could never be your Daddy, but I love you like a Daddy."
  I know it's all craziness. My fears of the kids missing out. My fears of not being able to be everything for my boys all the time. Trying to raise men, and yet wanting a man of my own too. Too much? Maybe. But then I never do things the easy way. That would be too easy right? I do know this. I may be crazy, but I never do anything half way. Whether that be worrying about things that I cannot change ( I know if you cant change it then why worry) Or loving my kids or that special someone with such passion and intensity. I know that woman that Pete loved is inside of me, but I also know that this woman I am becoming now is strong, beautiful, intense, but also learning to love herself.
   I know that rationally A, P and CL won't miss out forever. They will have that special someone not just for Mommy, but for them too. That even for the crazy, the gray area, the red tape. There is Love. For all of us. That is what Pete would want. Its knowing  that together the kids and I are lovable even though we may be a whole ball of crazy!! Always unexpected and never for one minute boring.

Crazy sickness...

Too many sick kids, just too much. I was rocking Chase Leo to sleep this evening. As I was wishing that he would just go to sleep. I was also chanting I wish you were here Pete. Over and over in my head. As if wishing was going to bring him back. If only...
  My boys have had the stomach flu this week. Petey got sick early Saturday morning. Luckily it wasn't one of those hours and hours of throwing up. He was sick twice and then just slept it off. However just as soon as I thought I was done with the flu, it came back with a vengeance. Chase Leo got it. He got it really really bad. He was sick for four days. He threw up literally for four days. It was insane. I have been thrown up on so many times this week, that it's just not pretty. Thankfully CL is much better today and is starting to eat and be hungry.  But Aryanna came home from school and said her tummy hurt. She didn't really eat dinner until late this evening. She did have a low grade fever. I am hoping that she too can just sleep it off.
  It's this whole idea of dealing with sick children by myself that makes me feel like I am banging my head against the wall. I mean, it's not like I can really ask anyone to come in and help me. They then run the risk of getting the flu themselves. I can't ask anyone to watch my sick kids so that I can run here or there b/c no one wants there kids to get it. I mean really, you don't want this in your house!!  But before when Aryanna or Petey was to get sick in the night, there was another set of hands. Someone else to worry with me. To help care for the kids, heck to even care for me. On a side note I am so, so, so, Blessed that I did not get it!! Thank You Lord for that blessing. Even then who could come and care for me, or care for the kids if I am throwing up every where. It just feels like this week was too much. Just too much. Tired of doing in alone all the time. Always being the constant caretaker. I mean I hate it when they are sick. Absolutely, hate. it. There is only so much you can do. The virus or bug or whatever, just has to run it's course. I can hold them and snuggle them but I can't take it away for them.
  With this "sick" week my grief has been worse. I know that the kids grief has been worse. I can remember when Aryanna got the flu soon after Pete had passed and she was crying in her sleep, "I want daddy".  God, it was awful. There was nothing I could do. I just sat in her rocking chair and sobbed, chanting "I want your daddy too". It shattered my heart even more.  It was while I was holding Chase Leo that I realized that he doesn't miss his daddy, he doesn't know, that anything is missing. I mean so many people would say that, that is a blessing, and yet it breaks my heart too. Today I was folding the worlds biggest load of towels. and CL pointed to a picture of Pete holding Petey and smiled. He said Da, which made me smile. He knows. even though he doesn't.
   I sit here now.. when I should probably be in bed. Too many nights of not sleeping and yet I can't sleep. I was putting clean sheets on my bed and I thought. "Ya know I hate doing this. I wash these sheets and then I make the bed. Just so that I can pull back the covers and slide into them alone". I have started putting all the pillows on one side of the bed and then burrowing in. It makes the bed seem smaller and not so big and alone.  Often times I feel like my mother. How many times did she do the same thing. And I remember wondering "why does she do that?" or "How can she breathe with all those blankets on top of her?" Now I know. It's comforting. It's like a nest. That is just big enough for me. No wiggle room. No worry of reaching over too far and feeling the empty space beside me.  Sometimes when the lonely creeps in and sinks into my skin there is nothing to do but cry.  But for now, I have figured out some ways of coping and if it means that the pillows are piled to the ceiling so that I can sleep in my cozy bed, then I guess so be it.  
  I miss him, and yes I know that I will always miss him. But like this bug/sickness, There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run it's crazy course.