Hello November we meet again.
I was watching my youngest walk into high school this morning and thought to myself He is such a cute kid. We did good Pete.
Needless to say it started that aimless wander down the memory road wishing he was here. I had to remind myself that there was nothing wrong with this statement. I think because there have been so many reminders that past and present happen at the same time. Or that there is no past. That we as humans need to let it all go in order to let all the new energy in. All those influencers spouting words of wisdom about awakening and living your most positive life. The statement or thought is "All we have is now." Its a Rabbit hole with many tunnels.
Back to the original statement. "Wishing he was here,' and knowing that wasn't his path. Gotta love rational and logical brain.
I started to wonder if I would always have that thought. I was transported to the days after his passing. Memories flashed like a video 3x its speed. I sat remembering that woman and the phrases people would tell me including a friend who said She honestly didn't think I would do as well as I did. It reminded me of how many friends and family thought I would follow him into the grave. That I would be too weak to handle what life had just taken from me. Clearly they didn't know that I was made of more than that.
Fast Forward to today. I still have people in my life who can't see me as I am now. Happy, healthy, whole, and light filled. They still see me as broken and treat me as such. Thanks to all of that forward thinking and vibrational shift I am realizing that I don't really need that nonsense in my life anymore. I stand not in a place of anger but more in a space of honor.
I think that this epiphany is like 46 year old me reaching out my arms to 30 year old me and wrapping her in a big hug. I am wanting to show her that she is so brave. I want to show her that she did it! Even though Life doesn't look at all like I thought it would. I rest my hand upon her back and let her rest her head upon my shoulder as she cries. I reassure her that it will be ok. It will be hard, but it will be so worth it.
As with many rabbit holes, comes new perspective. With this new perspective I am thinking that instead of being angry about those people in my life, that maybe it just doesn't really matter that they can't see me as I am now. I believe I was holding on to this thought, that I needed to extend myself more. If I was more successful. Or if I made more money, or if I stood out in the community more. If I did these things then, then, these people would see that I was worthy, that I was no longer broken and down trodden. In reality though they can only see what they want to. Or what they choose too. Isn't that the way of the world? We only see what we can perceive? Its not my place to point it out to them. Its their choice, not mine. I am in charge of me and the many hats I wear. I mean isn't that what self healing, self respect, and loving your Self is really about? Hmmm....It reminds me about this crazy horse I have.
I have this horse that has taught me many important lessons. In fact this horse and I used to go round and round. I couldn't understand why he was so angry with me and he couldn't understand why I was so weird and anxious. He wanted to just go for a run, full speed ahead. I wanted to take a walk. Sometimes I wanted to run but only if I felt safe. Sadly I didn't feel safe very often. He scared me. He was big and loud. He stomped around with his big horse feet and he often misunderstood the things I said. I also had some goats that lived in the barn too. If you know anything about goats you know they are stubborn and sometimes oblivious to things around them. They mean well. But they also like to stick to their own kind. They prefer routine and are not fond of humans that upset that routine. Unfortunately for them I did just that.
I didn't understand why the routine mattered so much. I would come out and feed them at the wrong time and they would stomp on my feet. I would upset the other big horse and that made them fearful of the big horse's attitude the rest of the afternoon. If I tried to make friends with them they would scatter to the other end of the pasture. but then sometimes they would be happy to see me and we would play or i would laugh at their antics and they would laugh at mine. The problem with being with them was that I never knew what kind of time we would have. If I prepared for fun they would be cranky. If I prepared for cranky they would be fun and then stomp on my feet for being quiet.
Sometimes the big horse would neigh really loudly and all the goats would come running to listen to what big horse had to say. Sometimes Big horse and goats would talk without me and sometimes they would surprise me. But that's just the way it is with animals. You love them, but they definitely know how to push your buttons.
The problem I face with this horse now is, is that he is getting older. We don't go for rides anymore. We dont even meet up to walk around the pasture together. I still show up when he calls but he doesn't want treats and he doesn't want to hear about my day, and he wont tell me about his either. The goats are still around. They help big horse if he goes the wrong way or knocks over his feed bucket. They make sure he has everything he needs to continue on with routine. I still show up on the wrong day and time for feeding. And a lot of times I stand in the pasture alone. Although Lately I dont even go in. I just stand on the outside of the fence. I find I am less in the way, that way.
I figure a lot of the time they have gotten used to playing by themselves because I couldn't come out as much to play once I got married and had kids. Then I stayed away to much because I was raising my own children. going through grief. and trauma. Plus the realization that grief doesn't really go away. It just gets less intense. I still have a scar on my heart and they still sense that within me. So they see me as someone who can't play. Someone who isn't reliable, someone who will break at the drop of a hat.
I have decided that Big horse and goats would do best if they had a new barn manager. One where they will get what they needed on a regular basis. A barn manager who showed up in the right attire, had professionalism, and traditional care. None of the holistic health and a woo woo feeding schedule. I honor them for the ways that they loved me in their own way, and for the many important lessons I learned from them. I told the new barn manager I would still be around if there was an emergency. I will miss being with them all the time. But I wont miss being kicked in the shins by their tiny hooves.
I would say that in my many adventures of this crazy life I learned how to be strong for me. That Faith in knowing that God was preparing me for new revelations in my own courage and strength. The importance of looking within instead of outside of my Self. I think back to 30 year old me and I watch as I held my tiny baby in a rocking chair at 2 in the morning alone. It was me that had to figure out how to keep going.
I remember something someone said to me about a month after he passed. I was worried about Christmas morning and how was I going to get through it. I was talking with this friends and she said "You can't ask a family member to stay with you on Christmas eve, that not fair to their family." I remember thinking, oh right. Yeah, that makes sense. But now when I think of this person and what she said I want to say "Fair?? you want to talk about fair?" Even now I can see me sitting on the floor by myself, on Christmas morning, watching Aryanna and Peter look at their Christmas gifts. I see this moment with such clarity. And Again I wrap my arms around 30 year old me. I wish she didn't have to have experienced such heartbreak. But its because she did that she became me.
I can honestly say I am not broken, I am a warrior. I am not helpless, I am resourceful. I am all the things that are worthy. And I remind myself that to those that doubted me, including that big horse and goats, thank you for showing me what I am actually capable of.
Grief has no time limit. It takes the time it takes. Courage has not time limit either. Sometimes you close yourself in the barn with cranky animals because you think that's just the way it is. Yet, other times an Angel takes ahold and says "wait a minute!" You are more than you ever thought possible and I am will show you. Open that barn door, let all the Son in, and all those cranky animals out. I am Courage, Faith, Craziness, Warrior, and Grace all in One.
