I have recently stumbled upon a new song. If you have been following me for awhile now, you know my feelings about music. Especially songs that seem to say it all with just a few lyrics.
This song feels like a sign from heaven. If you haven't heard it. Check it out. I feel Pete so much in this song. I feel him telling me he loves me. That he is still here. Yet, he also feels so far away. There are parts of this song that literally makes me want to turn it off and never listen to it again! But the message of this song is so powerful that I push through those lyrics and keep going. Its a lot like grief in that way. Especially when you are in the thick of it. Those early days when each day was shitty but I kept pushing through because I knew there had to be something better.
Today is November 9th. 11 days until "the" day. I have a love hate relationship with November. Some days I love it and the next I hate it. So many good memories, events, and new beginnings. Yet, so many devasting ones too. As with most angelversaries, some are harder than others. In past years I have known every second and every minute that counted down to that asinine day. I now take comfort in realizing that now I participate in the month of November. So much so that I lose track of the days and weeks that go by. It becomes just another month to live, to laugh. Mostly I only have a few days here and there where the countdown sneaks in. Sometimes its just a whispering of the second hand going around. While other days, feel like the second hand has a microphone attached to it, and the amp is turned all the way up. For whatever reason, today is one of those loud days. And this song plays on repeat in my head. Especially the lyrics "It was too soon, when that part of you was ripped away. A grip taking hold. Like a cancer that grows. Each piece of your body that it takes." Over and over like a slow madness.
It makes me angry. It makes me what to scream, and yell, slam the door, then sink to the floor. In my tears, there is another very loud emotion. That I don't think many of us talk about. It's Embarrassment. Embarrassed that I still have these moments while shouting to myself... Um Hello? Crazy Lady? yeah, its been 14 years. Get over it already. I have this back and forth inner dialog in my head. Like each emotion is having its own conversation. Ya know the ones, Rational, Logical, and Emotional. That inner dialog goes something like this:
-no, no, its called moving forward
Be happy look how far you have come. You are no longer in that space
-be sad. Be angry. its ok to have grief moments. they are only moments.
