What is it about grieving that feels like it will never go away? I have moments where I feel that I am free from all of it, then something unexpected happens and I am back in the thick of it. Its not the same heart break, its just a new level. There is this saying about how God doesn't give you more than you can handle. But the question remains. Is it that God doesn't give you more than you can handle? Or is it that your body and your brain can't take any more so eventually it just checks out. Then when you are stronger new "events" which create triggers send you backwards to those places of dark trauma. A trauma that I didn't even know was still an issue.
As I mentioned in my previous post I was having more panic attacks and issues with driving. Sometimes just the thought of visualizing myself driving down the road makes me feel light headed. Little did I know this was just the tip of the iceberg. Dread filled my body and heart as I realized that I needed to get back on a anti depressant, of which I had worked so hard at getting off of, but I also needed to go back to grief counseling as well. Questions filled my mind. How could this happen? I was doing so well. I was healing and moving forward. There is joy in our laughter and love in our hearts. What is going on? To which I responded "Damn grief,. Why cant it just go away."
As I mentioned in my previous post I was having more panic attacks and issues with driving. Sometimes just the thought of visualizing myself driving down the road makes me feel light headed. Little did I know this was just the tip of the iceberg. Dread filled my body and heart as I realized that I needed to get back on a anti depressant, of which I had worked so hard at getting off of, but I also needed to go back to grief counseling as well. Questions filled my mind. How could this happen? I was doing so well. I was healing and moving forward. There is joy in our laughter and love in our hearts. What is going on? To which I responded "Damn grief,. Why cant it just go away."
Recently I have realized one of the reasons why its not going away. One word.. "Trauma." Trauma surrounding not only the events that took place in his passing but all the crazy, scary, terrifying shit, that came after. There are parts of it that I thankfully can't remember and yet many that are so vivid I wish I could forget them. It seems that all the grieving I was doing before, about missing him and the hope of rebuilding our life was just the ground work for the other grieving that would take place. The current grieving is about the effect all that crazy trauma took on my psyche. According to my grief therapist I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The driving? Is just a manifestation of the PTSD.
So, where do I start. At the beginning. Luckily she specializes in PTSD and has devised a plan to get me healed and back in the car and eventually off the meds too. Thankfully. The scary is getting in the car and making myself do it everyday. Drive to the store, drive through the neighborhood, drive with a friend in the car, drive. drive. drive. but not all at once, and not for very long. Its more than the driving though. Its digging deep and bringing out those traumatic moments and letting them heal. I am not afraid of the hard work, I know it is a process. Mostly, I just want be able to get in the stupid car and go where ever I want to go. I often annoy myself. Just get in the car damnit! Its not that hard. And yet it is that hard. Stupid grieving! Stupid trauma!
Three steps forward and two back. I am healing, and grieving, and traumatized and grateful. I feel like a freak of nature. I want to stand in the middle of my street and yell at the top of my lungs at how angry I am to be in this space, and in the next breath I want to sing God's praises for not only carrying us when we couldn't stand but also for bringing a loving man into our lives who loves us in spite of all our crazy.
So what now? I don't know. I guess do what I always do. Keep breathing, keep writing, keep dreaming, keep laughing, keep crying, but most of all, keep healing. After all God only gives us what we can handle right? With my traumatized brain and my grateful heart, I relish in everlasting love, laughter from my children and Hope that I will be back in the car driving confidently on this crazy road to healing.
