Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Tug of war..for the Crazy.

I need to do something about this not sleeping thing. I am just getting to worn out. It doesn't help that A and P like to sleep with me. So just as soon as I seem to be really asleep. They come in one at a time. Last night I finally got up and went to the couch. I know how is that fair. They get the nice bed and I get the couch. A friend of mine suggested some sort of sticker chart. So they get a sticker for the days they stay in their bed all night. And then get some sort of prize for doing it so many days in a row. So I will try this.And see how it goes.
  I don't know if it is the time of year or just where I am in my grief process.  but this whole moving forward thing sometimes feels just as hard as standing still. It's like a constant tug of war on the inside. I mean if I am thinking rationally I know that Pete wouldn't want me to feel this pain forever but at the same time. As I try to realize how to "live" and figure out what that looks like.. I feel that I am leaving a part of him behind.  It's scary. But then it's scary to stay here in this place as well. Feeling that same " how do I go on without him?" and Yet knowing that I have to, in order to survive. To live, really live. The questions of not wanting to be alone forever, and yet missing him.  And if there is someone else for me, then what does that look like. I mean it's not like my story is your average story. Sometimes it feels so complicated that I feel "who would want to take this on?" They would have to be as crazy as me! :)  It's these types of questions that pull on me and wonder what the future holds.
  There seems to be so many changes going on around me. Even just simple things like.. they are putting in a new stoplight at the end of my street. Wishing I could call him up and say.. Can you believe it? Or this insane weather that we are having. The ice is so thick. My sisters kids are going outside to skate in the street. Wishing I could see him laugh at something like that.  How Aryanna and Petey have changed so much since he last saw them.
  My birthday was a week ago. I turned 32. Yet another milestone without him. I had a very emotional weekend. Crying a lot, and feeling the pull of his loss and the pull of what the future holds. I talked to a friend that seemed overly worried about my tears.. my only reply was " it is what it is."  I can't stop the years from coming. I can't stop time. I can't reverse it. And why would I want to. The days, nights, weeks, months keep coming. No matter how often I wish that I was out of this hell. The more I seem to dig my feet in. I want to move forward. I want to be happy again.. But I don't want to be without him. I want to feel loved and respected, but I don't want to dishonor Pete in some way. But then there is that same thing that stares me in the face everyday. Pete is not physically here. I am. No amount of wishing him here, bargaining and yelling at him for leaving me here. Even though I know he didn't have a choice. Still all of that is not going to bring that Pete that I knew back. Yet the question remains "How can that be?" I know,  Spiritually he is here. However he cannot physically hold my hand.  How do I move forward and bring him with me? Always feeling him by my side, and now not as much. I still feel him but not with the same intensity. And what does that mean? What does that say about him? About me? About Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo?  Are we all moving forward but in separate ways? For me it comes back to the constant reminder that I am alive. Even though I have felt dead and numb on the inside. That my heart, my life, my entire being died right along with him.
   Here I sit Contemplating the future. Trying so desperately  to live, and let the light in. It's been 14 months since I have seen his face, held his hand. I can't stand still. I can't live in the past. I have to live in the now. For me, for the kids. For our future. I never thought I could see anything but this blackness. Not that I don't still see it. However I do see a crack of light. In some ways it's a high. I love how the light feels on my heart, how light it is, and the warmth of it. But that light still feels so far away. With anything there is fear. I am not saying that Pete is the blackness. Blackness is what he left behind. The pushing forward. The feeling of progress. To see my children smile again. really smile. To laugh is more than just surviving, it's living. This journey that we are on is a hard one. But I am trying to learn to take those cracks of light and bring them into my soul. Bring them into my children's soul as well.  With those cracks of light, comes hope. With hope, comes a feeling of being whole and maybe not so bruised and battered. I know the tug of war will continue. My hope is that I can find the positive, the light, in a way that Pete would be proud of.  Wanting him with me, physically beside me. And yet knowing I can't have that.
  So, now I look to the future. The unseen, Future. Feeling the need to hold onto Pete with such fierceness. And knowing that I have to let go a little in order to bring in more light. I know he wouldn't want me to stay in the dark, black, empty forever. I just never pictured my life without him. I could never see it after he passed, but maybe with a little Faith.. I catch a glimpse. Of what he would want for us. Of what we want for him, And what the present, and now the future holds for all of us.

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