I hate movies. I used to love movie. But now, not so much. I just watched "The Proposal" on TV. Usually I try to avoid that movie. Not because I don't like it. Because it was one of the movies I watched while Pete was in the hospital. I remember I rented that movie. along with "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" and "Mall Cop". Thinking he would like to watch them while he was home sick. He did get to watch the Ghosts from Girlfriends Past but not the others. I remember my younger sister came over to sit with me. I don't know where the kids were. But She sat in the chair and I sat on the couch and we watched it. The sun was shining through the window and I think I was wearing a red sweater. I remember asking something about "I wonder whats going on at the hospital"...Funny the things you remember and the things you don't.
But back to what I was saying, Movies. They aren't real. I mean seriously Do you think Hollywood would make a movie about my life? or other people like me? I figured out some of whats been plaguing me while watching "The proposal". Sandra Bullock's character is talking about how she has been on her own since she was 16 and forgot what it felt like to have family that cares about her. quoting things about what "family" does. Visit you on the holidays and such. It was after she said that, that I thought," you know? it's the same thing with trying to "date"again". Let's be honest here. I don't want to "date" I want something real. The problem is that I figured out what I miss.. It's not just the lonely. Or being the only one. Its missing that intimate part of having someone to lean on. To just curl up next to him on the couch and watch football. While the kids played whatever. Knowing that I could just lie my head on his chest and it be the most common gesture. To reach out and touch him. And feel my hand squeezed. I reach out now and there is nothing, but air.
Say for example I find someone that I like, and want to get to know. Then what? Pass a few emails back and forth meet up go see a movie, grab a cup of coffee and hang out. However all of those things require a sitter. When I go home, I am back to reality. It's like Playing "boyfriend" When I am at home with the kids this is life.
Say "friend" wants to meet the kids and get to know them. What now? Its not "Playing House" It's "So you like me well enough that you want to get to know me more.." However I don't want to play house., I don't want to pretend. Cause the girl that is with you without kids is a little different than the girl with the kids. Then there comes all the questions. Like "OK I have opened myself up and put myself out there." and? Is my heart going to get broken? More so than it is now? Can I really see myself sitting down and talking with this person about my hopes and dreams and deepest fears? Telling another person things that only Pete knew. I know, It's not like that when you are just "friends" or just "dating" However I have never been the type who ever does anything half way. If I am going to get to know someone. Then lets get to know them. I am not saying I am ready to just be foot loose and fancy free. Jumping in head first with the first person who calls me "beautiful" But How do I protect my heart and let someone in? If I let them in a little or a lot there is always going to be 3 little kids at home. These thoughts come and haunt me. Bringing tears to my eyes and making me feel like. I don't want to. I don't want to pretend. If I am going to let someone in, then I feel like It's letting go of Pete. He gets foggier. Like a distant memory. Someone I once knew. But still wanting that life back.
Is anyone stable? So many people say they want a Stable relationship. And I think " I had that once." Can I be so lucky to have it again? I know I have talked about in the past being so lonely that my heart might drop out of my body altogether. But It's not so much the lonely but its' also learning to care. Learning to wait. Learning to go on, even when I don't want to at times. 14 months is a long time and it isn't, but its a long enough time to feel that doing it on my own is better. And maybe that my sharing the load or learning to be Kathryn, Mommy, and a widow. All at the same time. Not that "Widow defines me" But in some ways it does. I will never be the same. And the person that I am with one "friend" feels different that who I am right now. I really am crazy. It's split personalities. How do I learn to put the two together? Kathryn and Mommy.
Does this show that I am not ready to "date"? I don't know. Maybe, just another way of processing it all. The one thing that I have felt through passing emails and conversation. Is that I am alive. Something I think I never realized I had lost touch with. A girl friend of mine and I were talking over lunch the other day. And I started to cry because I felt like "Who would want to take this on? Look at us?" She told me that I was not unlovable. I didn't realize I thought that. But maybe I do/did. I told her it seems like too much. she said. "If Pete was alive, would it be too much?" and I said "no" she said "Someone will want to get to know you and know that the kids are part of you. And want to be with them too. To share in their joy, and love them because that person loves you!! Remember how much Pete loved you, You are young and beautiful and smart, you have a lot to offer. You will find love again. I know it won't be the same. It could never be what you and Pete had. But it's not too much for someone, and it's not too complicated." All of these things that she told me I take to heart. Not only are they beautiful, but I needed to hear those things. Recently I feel that maybe I have lived my life. That at 32 I had lived all that I could. I had dated, I found the one I wanted to spend forever with. Married had 3 beautiful children but that now in this light My life was over and that all that remained was a Mommy and not a Kathryn. After hearing her words. I realized I wanted both. To find Kathryn and Mommy and put them together. I guess though in this moment I feel lost. I know what my responsibilities are, I know that I am needed. But I also had forgotten what it was like to be worried about. I forgot what it felt like to have someone want to know what I thought about something. Not that I don't have friends who ask me these things. But it's different on a more personal level. It's different coming from a "friend" another "man"
The movie hit it on the head. I forgot these things. It makes me sad. And wish that I was married. Wish that I didn't have to go through this who process. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have. But now Its wanting to protect it, guard it. Be wary of who I let in. What if they see my heart for what it really is and don't like it? Then what? In that case I would have let someone in to a very fragile part of me, For nothing? I know that is how it is in life,in love. It's complicated, it's hard, and it's crazy. For now, I am missing a piece of my soul. I am trying to put it back together. I wonder what that looks like. I guess it's just a balance. Like trying to figure out who is "Kathryn" and who is "Mommy" and how do I put them together? To feel alive, to be alive. Not only for me, but for the kids..and possibly for Pete too...