I miss Sunday afternoons. Pete would be home an working on some project of some sort. The kids would play. Or help Pete in the garage. Usually he would have racing on. He would sit on the couch an have a snack. I would just plop down beside him and lie my head on his shoulder. Probably complain of being bored, or wanting to go out and meet a friend for coffee. Now it seems that these memories creep in ever so vividly. As if I could just reach out and touch them. Bringing them so close to my body. Last night I was standing staring at the fridge. I keep lots of random pictures on it along with the kids art work. One picture in mind stuck out however. It was one of Pete holding Petey as a baby in the hospital. Petey was lying on Pete's forearm and Aryanna was leaning in to kiss Petey on the top of his head. However when the picture was originally taken the photographer couldn't get a good shot of Aryanna and Petey. So she photoshopped Aryanna in later. As I was looking at this picture I reached out to touch the picture. I ran my hand over the smooth cool surface. I kept running my hand back and forth over Pete's hand as if somehow I could feel his touch. If I just reached far enough, touched enough somehow I would feel the warmth of his hand, or feel something. But all I felt was the cold paper under my finger tips. The flood of memories that consumed me.
How worried I was about leaving Aryanna to have Petey. I had never left her over night before. Worried about how she would handle having a new baby brother. So scared about having to walk back to the OR and lie on the table willingly as they opened me up to get my beautiful baby boy. The pride on Pete's face the first time he looked at his son. How I kept asking him if he looked like his name so I wouldn't have to hear what the doctor's were talking about while putting me all "back together". The way Petey felt in my arms. The way Pete held him so close and so tenderly. And the memory of how holding Petey and looking at his new baby boy brought tears to his eyes. My Pete so tough on the outside and so tender and sweet on the inside. Touched by his son's hand and that feeling of never wanting to let go... Yet little did either of them, let alone all of us know. What was to come.
It's those memories that I know are blessings in disguise. No matter how much they hurt to remember. How much they take my breath away as if all the air has been sucked out of my lungs just to look that close at one small and yet monumental memory. The hurt, the pain of losing him and never being able to touch him, see his smiling face look at me again. His smiling face that doesn't get to see and physically feel his children's touch. And vice versa. The feelings of being completely lost and lonely. I sit here on my couch and look at A and P. I can hold them so close, to kiss their sweet faces and yet I probably don't as much as I could or should. The feelings of being so tired and just wanting some time away. And yet feeling the loneliness ever so present on this Sunday afternoon.
The snow is melting and the sun is shining. I sit here and look out the window wondering what Pete would have done with this day. Would he be sitting at the table with Aryanna making a new piece of jewelry to sell. Playing trains or drawing with Petey. And I wonder what he would be doing with Chase Leo. Reading to him. Wrestling with him. Or feeding him some new concoction that he cooked up in the kitchen. I think of how the house would feel, how would it sound? I sit here and miss him.
It seems the more I move forward the more I wonder about things. The future before that seemed so bleak and impossible seems to have some clearer lines and pictures. People that have come into my life. Bringing with them more questions and yet a bit of happiness. The grief that has started to sit in the passenger's seat and move closer to the door. Instead of always being the driver. It's on these days when I remember something that I want to just pull him so close to me. To take a line from a song. " To reach back in the past and whisper in your ear, oh darling I wish you were here" (Owl City-Vanilla Twilight) Yet knowing that in this moment I can't. But I have my memories those memories so fresh and so real. That i feel if I could just stand still long enough I could really feel them again. Wanting to, begging to and yet knowing I still can't. So in this new crazy life.. I have these moments like today that seem intangible to those on the outside or recently becoming the inside. There are no comforting words to say. Just sit with me, Share my space. Let me feel safe in your presence to re live, re- breath. To take in remembering the beautiful life, love and laughter that we once had. And hoping and praying that with the spring brings newness, re-birth, and new life. That on the other side there is peace, hope love and laughter once again. For this Crazy red haired lady and the beautiful, and wonderful children that I am so completely blessed with.