Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Crazy Letters..

Dear Pete,
 Why did you leave me here? I know, I have told you over and over again that I understand  that you had to go, and I understand that your body wore out. But on the flip side.  I can't understand it. So I ask again. Why did you leave me here? You broke my heart. No, I mean really broke it. You reached in and ripped it out of my chest. Stomped on it and then gave it back. Now I am left here on this plane to carry it around. Its' heavy and it hurts And it often bleeds for no reason. You ruined me. I can't love anyone. I feel incapable of love. . And I can't let anyone love me!! You set the bar so Damn high that no one, can ever be you. I want to take a knife and physically cut it out of my body. To reach in and pull out this horrid awful pain. It's like a a ball of utter and complete hurt, that no one can understand. Unless they have lost a spouse.  There is no amount of covering it up. There is no amount of stuffing it away. It chokes me.,I'ts like someone is constantly pummeling me in the stomach and I have gotten so used to it that I have become numb to it. I can't eat. Sleeping feels pointless. I just chase you around all night looking for you in my dreams and I never find you. Why did you leave me here?
  I am raising our kids. Your kids. You said Forever. Where is my forever? I hate myself. I hate this life. I hate it all. I want to scream so Loud that the earth shakes. I needed you!!! I have three children. 3. and One lonely me!! I hate you for leaving me here. Dead is dead. You are gone. and I am here and we are here. My children have no father. None!! And no one will ever be able to be what you were to them. There isn't a being out there who could love them the way you did. Do you hurt too? Do you cry too? Do you hate that you are there and I am here? Tell me, damn you!!
  What am I supposed to do now. Date? fall in love? For what? I had it all. The house, the kids, the wonderful and adoring husband. and Now I have the house, the kids and no one to share it with. The constant doing it alone. I am always a mom. Always!!! So many people say that is the best thing in the whole world. They are right but it is the hardest thing in the whole world and to do it without my soul mate well just shoot me.
Do you hear me? Every single detail of out life together is so clear. Every fight, every kiss, and every moment that I prayed for you to live and then watched you die. Every thing. and I am just supposed to figure it out. To keep going? to find love again? Have you lost your ever loving mind? You, are supposed to be here with me. By my side, to hold my hand to help with the kids, to teach Petey to be a man. To hold your baby boy in your arms. To love your daughter and have her want to marry you when she gets big. All those things that Daddy's are supposed to do with their kids. And what about all those things that Husbands do with their wives. To hold me, love me.,be with me. Where is that? Gone.
   I loved you more than breath. My whole world was you and our kids and the life we were making for ourselves. You ruined me. You broke my heart. You kicked me in the gut and left me to bleed. How do you feel now?  There is nothing left.
   I keep going, and I keep waking up every morning and I keep pasting on a smile and yelling to myself "today is better. Today i will let someone love me. Today I will let someone in. Today I will accept me and this new life." And I can tell myself that and I can tell everyone else that. But no one knows the truth. I don't even let myself know the truth.  You left me here to figure it all out. Thanks. and WTF.
  You said Forever? I know we weren't perfect. But we were pretty damn close. I don't know Roo, I hope you are happy where you are. I hope you feel whole and light filled. I hate the mess you left. But, I love you enough to let you go. Damn you I let you go... This is not how it was supposed to Go!
Dear God,
 GOD why did you take him from me!!! Why did you do it? IF everything is a lesson then get on with it.
  Please, Please, just take the pain away. The sick, empty, disease of loss and yuck that is so indescribable. Bring me someone to love me like he did. To love my kids. You took the best. So give me second best.  I have hit a new kind of rock bottom,. I don't like it here. Can you die from hurting too much? I don't know how to be any other way. My intensity on life, my intensity on love and in love. Pete could always handle it. It wasn't too much for him. I am who I am. But You took the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. Without him I wouldn't have the amazing children that I have. Together Pete and I were a team. In life, in love, in raising kids. Now there is no team. It's just me. and I fear so often that is not enough. I want more. But how? You did this, so fix it. Show me the light? Show me the love? Show me that I am not too much to take on. Help me see the woman that Pete loved so much. It's been almost 15 months. The longest, nightmare of my life.
 So.. now what? I don't know. Will the bleeding one day cease altogether? I don't know. Will the beatings ever stop? I hope so. For now, I guess I will write my letters in hopes that someone will hear me. That being strangled and choked will no longer take place. That the magic in me will spark again. That love and happiness will spill out of my house and hearts of my children and I. That I will remember to accept love and be loved. In whatever form that may be.


  1. We should talk sometime. I would love to help you. I know no one can really help you with this pain, but I can say I KNOW how you feel. How can I help you?

  2. Sadly, even seven years later, I still feel the same way about my late husband. I just started writing this blog to get some things off my chest. Sometimes I am mad at my husband, sometimes my friends or family, but most of the time myself because seven years is way too long to still feel so sad. :(

  3. I lost my husband to suicide on Sept 14, 2009. He left me with two little boys 7 and well... I was 9 months pregnant at the time (16 months now). I have been going through all the same feelings as you. I cry reading your posts its in a weird way, therapeutic for me. Please know you're not alone in this, I feel you with the anger, the depression, the trying to move on and date, and the struggles to raise little ones alone. Are your in-laws around? Mine aren't they told me I drove him to do what he did. God bless you sweetie, I understand.

  4. Kathyrn kindly send an email on my hotmail we met at walmart at Fishers with your two kids.

  5. Daniel, I can't seem to view your blog. Thank you for writing. Would love to talk some time. Sarah, Thank you for posting. I am sorry about your loss. It is nice to know that you also understand what it's like to lose your husband while being pregnant and all that that entails. I am sorry that your in laws are so mistaken in who is at fault. But you friend are NOT at fault. I hope you know that. SoSorry, It takes as long as it takes to grieve. My hope for you is that you are gentle with yourself. It's hard when you have found your soul mate and they leave before you. It feels like we are just walking around in the dark trying to figure out what to do now. I hope you have peace and that you feel that your path is being lit everyday even if it is just a flicker. Have faith,and know that your husband believes in you and loves you so much. Thank you all for your posts. Please keep posting. I love to hear your stories or how my words touched you in some way. Or how you know exactly what I am talking about. Blessings.